Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

[Anonymous]

You obviously think there’s something wrong with her deep down and that has influenced how she perceives you. I suggest therapy for yourself before you try to figure out your DDs issues with you.

[Anonymous]

I would do nothing. She sounds like a brat and owes you an apology. She is an adult and needs to learn she cannot insult others without receiving similar criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do nothing. She sounds like a brat and owes you an apology. She is an adult and needs to learn she cannot insult others without receiving similar criticism.

Exactly! +1. Run.

[Anonymous]

I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

[Anonymous]

You’re only telling us your side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do nothing. She sounds like a brat and owes you an apology. She is an adult and needs to learn she cannot insult others without receiving similar criticism.

Oh how rich 😂

[Anonymous]

You need to ask her to find new living arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Are you mentally ill? Anxiety? Controlling? What the truth about you?

[Anonymous]

Sad but it happened. I would apologize for my part and ask to do joint therapy to figure out what went wrong and how to make it hurt less. It doesn't have to be paid therapy,can be a clergy person or a wise aunt/uncle/grandparent she respects.

[Anonymous]

I think for now, the best thing you can do is to look at yourself and your own contributions to this dynamic.

My mom would describe my childhood the same way and she wouldn't be wrong. Except she was emotionally abusive. It wasn't the obvious emotional abuse yet it was manipulation, guilt tripping, controlling. I know I wasn't perfect and contributed to part of the reason she acted the way she did. I got a lot of therapy to help me deal with my issues.

I would recommend therapy for yourself. My mom started going about 3 years ago (not because of me, but because of my dad's death) and things between us are a lot better. Not great, but I can spend extended times with her without her blowing up at me.

[Anonymous]

This is teen behavior, 22 is too old for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is teen behavior, 22 is too old for this.

Not if your mom is a psycho… it’s just when she has the freedom to speak her mind. Before she was trapped by finances.

Now she can stand up for herself.

Who wants to disown a 22 yo? I’ll tell you who, a psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not.[b] I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

It sounds like you want permission to shut the door on your daughter. Maybe you want nothing to do with her too?

[Anonymous]

??? Nothing you said was bad, OP. If you believe you said things you can't take back... then I have to doubt the rest of your story. Perhaps what she said wasn't that terrible? Or perhaps it was, but you allowed her to walk all over you for years?

I don't really get your story. Saying someone is mentally ill might be hurtful, but maybe it's true. Or maybe they thing it's true. They might be factually wrong, but it's not a swear word. You saying "look in the mirror" might actually be entirely true, since she inherited your genes

You got into a heated dispute with your 22 year old. OK. It happens.

What matters is WHY she was upset in the first place - and I notice you're not including that in the list of your concerns, when really it's the crux of the matter.

As another poster has touched on, there are ways to be a shitty parent while paying for after school activities and outings.