TMI: I haven't "gone" in a week, please help!

[Anonymous]

I think every working mom reading this should take a minute to scan the women's restrooms at the office. The chances that one of us works with this poor woman are pretty high, right? DC is a small world.

[Anonymous]

And her proposed sign would eliminate the need for any of us to actually enter the restroom!

[Anonymous]

I pee every hour. She does not appear to work here.

[Anonymous]

OP, come give us an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, come give us an update.

Oh, it's just YOU. Thought it was going to be OP back with an update about the backup. Or should I say the log jam? Whatever...still dying to know how this will all come out!

[Anonymous]

OP here: Wow, I am flattered that I have so many awaiting fans!

Well, I timed things out perfectly! After my meeting, I told my boss I was feeling "under the weather" and she said I could just leave, so I did. Up until that point, I didn't feel a THING. My stomach (or whatever) was kind of rumbling, but that's all. So I got on the Metro and headed home. On my walk home, I remembered that I needed to buy dog food. My poor dog didn't eat yesterday because I totally spaced and forgot to buy food then. I headed to Whole Foods. As I was walking home with a bag full of dog food, fiber bars, and more raisin bran, I started feeling a cramp. Thankfully I live two blocks from the P St Whole Foods.

By the time I got home, I started feeling a lot more cramping and gas. I put the groceries away and headed into the bathroom with a relaxing book. All of a sudden I felt that amazing feeling! I put the book down, grabbed my knees, and gave it hell! I basically took a deep breath and just pushed nonstop for about 20 seconds. Out it came!

It was freakin' the hugest poop I've ever seen, and it was all bumpy, BLACK, and at least 8" long and 3" wide. No joke. It was extremely hard, too. I have no clue how that first piece even made it out of me. All I kept thinking about was giving birth, actually! After that initial push, that first piece just fell out, and then a second, which was about 3/4 the size of the first and looked exactly the same. It looked like I just shit rocks. I held there for a few more minutes to see if any more needed to come out, but I was done for the time being.

I thought, "No way was that 11 days worth!" And sure enough, it wasn't. About 30 minutes later, I had another episode, but this time it was actually more difficult. I was probably on the pot for about a half hour. I dropped a few good-sized turds and they were also very hard and very dark.

And just a few minutes ago, I let out a softer one, but it still had some shape, and it was lighter and MUCH longer. I felt some INTENSE cramping with that one, though. It felt like my guts were being wrenched and seized inside of me. I was literally sweating and saying, "Oh my god, oh my god, please please please please." It was like diarrhea cramping and I was kind of shivering too.

So I haven't needed to use the suppositories yet, and I'm wondering if I even have to at this point since the "cork" has been let out. I am sure I have a whole night of this to look forward to, but at least things are moving!

Well, there's my epic update! Laxatives work, and I don't have any diarrhea yet. Hooray!

[Anonymous]

Totally fake post -- the whole thing. But worth the laughs.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations!

Wow, I don't know what else to say. I just came over to DCUM to check out the expectant mom's thread after a few days away. Thought I'd be reading the usual, but this thread had me laughing so hard, I'm crying.

OP, thanks for having such a good sense of humor throughout this, um, ordeal! And congratulations. I hope childbirth will be a piece of cake in comparison!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally fake post -- the whole thing. But worth the laughs.

I totally agree. Last post from OP was complete bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Best thread in the history of DCUM. OP, you rock. I'm glad you finally got some relief, I logged in tonight just to see the update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thread in the history of DCUM. OP, you rock. I'm glad you finally got some relief, I logged in tonight just to see the update!

OP made a lot of it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thread in the history of DCUM. OP, you rock. I'm glad you finally got some relief, I logged in tonight just to see the update!

OP made a lot of it up.

[Anonymous]

EVERYONE IGNORE THE PERSON TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT. If we don't see her, she will go away.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a sucker now.

[Anonymous]

OP Here: I don't know why people find this so hard to believe. It happens. Sorry if I'm trying to inject some levity into my story. I realize it's gross and practically "epic" but it's completely true. Excuse me for having a sense of humor about it now. I have a life... I don't need to make up fake poop stories that go on for seven pages. Geez.

Anyway, the "consistency" is, um, much "easier" now. The cramping has gotten worse, but it's at least my signal to get to the bathroom. I am hoping it's not quite like this tomorrow. I mean, I realize I'll probably still have to GO tomorrow, but I've gone six times today already, and I'm honestly not sure how much is left. I actually do feel physically different. It's amazing. I don't really feel that much gas, and there honestly isn't anything "explosive" going on like I thought there might be. I think I should be fine tomorrow. I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to control it. The cramping gives me enough time to make it, though.

I will never let this happen again. I swear! I cannot do this ever again. I am fully stocked with all sorts of fruits and fibers. This was one amazing lesson for me, let me tell you. I hope you've all learned something, especially if you're experiencing constipation in pregnancy. It can get MUCH worse, so please do something about it sooner rather than later.

Thanks everyone for rooting for me. This was truly a miserable experience but I feel so much better now.