Do the elderly always end up alone?

[Anonymous]

My aunt can't speak or read english or drive, came to USA at 75 because all 3 kids came here for higher studies, found jobs and settled here instead of going back to war torn country. She was all alone there after her husband died. She can't live in a retirement home and hard to find home same ethnicity aids here. So far she is mobile and her kids take turns hosting her but nobody's home during day. Kids have to come home to take her to her appointments. She is deteriorating and its scary what would happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many (not all) families didn't deal with this to the extent we are seeing now. People are living longer. My grandparents all died when I was in middle school. So people weren't giving it too much thought. Now, my parents' generation is living longer, but many don't have the means to pay for elder care. Or pay to move. Pay to downsize, since even a smaller place frequently more expensive than the old pile.

I am now in the process of dealing with my parents and siblings in-laws deal with elder issues. It is so sad to watch, both for them, and for the thought that thesis what is ahead.

I feel for you, OP. But the PP's advice of grieving, then get busy living and making these years the best they can be, resonated with me.

The oldest generation is now living so long that the "kids" who are expected to be able to take care of them are not spring chickens themselves. My brother is in his sixties and recently had some kind of back operation. Guess who can no longer help his 90 year old mother in and out of bed and into the car, up and down the stairs, etc. We can foresee a scenario in which our parents live to their late 90's and we are in our seventies, and instead of caring for ourselves we are caring for an even older generation. Newsflash: There are people in their seventies with significant health issues who probably shouldn't be driving, who suffer from cataracts, who struggle driving at night, etc. And yet we will be the caregivers for people in their nineties! When do WE get to be old and looked after?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

But what some of us are saying: WHY isn't there a better in between option??? That makes it safe and social for them and takes some of the work out of it for their adult kids? And allows those adult kids to be more compassionate and caring towards their elderly parents?

I'll be honest, I am shocked at some of the attitudes and views I've read on this thread. Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle. Such lacking in empathy. While it IS hard and those views are understandable at some level, I just don't understand the . . . sterility or lack of wanting to care for parents that some of you are displaying. So I guess the answer to the original question is, yes, in this country, get ready to be alone.

That's really sad. And scary.

I think you are reading it the wrong way. People aren't saying that they don't want to take care of their elderly parents, but that it is extremely difficult if you have a FT job and also have kids to take care of. That's hard enough; throw in an elderly person who doesn't have to do what you say unlike a child, and the stress level goes way up.

My sister had to quit her job to take care of my mother who has dementia. They are lucky that she can do that because they don't have high expenses even as they live in hcol area, and she is single with an adult son who can also help.

I have kids and work FT. The thought of having to take care of my mother in addition to my current responsibilities is daunting, and I think something would have to give. If I give up my job I would not be able to support my mother financially, nor would I be able to pay for DC's college.

It's fine to live with your elderly parents when they don't need so much care. But, once they need a certain level of care, it becomes overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

But what some of us are saying: WHY isn't there a better in between option??? That makes it safe and social for them and takes some of the work out of it for their adult kids? And allows those adult kids to be more compassionate and caring towards their elderly parents?

I'll be honest, I am shocked at some of the attitudes and views I've read on this thread. Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle. Such lacking in empathy. While it IS hard and those views are understandable at some level, I just don't understand the . . . sterility or lack of wanting to care for parents that some of you are displaying. So I guess the answer to the original question is, yes, in this country, get ready to be alone.

That's really sad. And scary.

There are other options.

My favorite is daycare. In my inlaws' city, a city ran daycare picks up elderly at their home every morning (and the bus is wheelchair accessible. It's a real city bus). They hang out in the community center, get free food, have activities. The more mobile ones go on a lot more excursions during the day, but some of the extremely elderly are happy to just play cards and watch movies with their friends. Then they get dropped off at the end of the day.

This sort of fun daycare takes such a burden off their relatives that they live with. Their children or relatives that they live with are able to work still.

"Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle."- I think you're misunderstanding the burden. How can children work or care for their own children (the grandchildren) when they are watching their elderly parents 24/7? Even the special lift gear needed to changed the sheets on the bed of an immobile person is a lot. And they need to be changed and wiped numerous times a day. Have you spent time with dementia patients? They aren't always rational. My grandma tried to burn down her house numerous times and that's when we were present!

Yes, I have. And the OP specifically excluded things like that. Dementia or Alzheimers is an entire separate animal, imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

Because we are significantly more transient as a society than we used to be. People don't live in the same place as their aging parents anymore.

Yup. For those of us from rural areas, we may not have the option to move back (no jobs). If they won't move to us, what are we supposed to do?

Yeah, my parents lived in a place so rural that there wasn't even really a good airport to fly into. So getting to them involved two airplanes and a long drive. Basically a day spent traveling every time, a rental car and at least a thousand dollars. Yet they insisted that someone visit them every three weeks and take them grocery shopping. We also got to clean their house since they wouldn't let strangers in to do it. So once a month, a sibling leaves their own kids and spouse at home to fend for themselves, spends a thousand dollars and burns some vacation leave to get their appliances fixed, take them grocery shopping, clean their house, etc. And if we don't do this, the random internet lady on this conversation will tell us that we're bad people. But is this really sustainable for years on end? My parents never offered to reimburse us for any of these expenses, and frankly that's a lot of money that isn't spent on our own families -- There isn't enough leave to take a trip with your own family, work on your own marriage, and in our case we might have been able to retire sooner if we didn't have to do this. My parents took care of their parents but didn't spend oodles of money, all of their vacation time, all of their leave, and didn't ignore their own marriages and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

Because we are significantly more transient as a society than we used to be. People don't live in the same place as their aging parents anymore.

Yup. For those of us from rural areas, we may not have the option to move back (no jobs). If they won't move to us, what are we supposed to do?

Yeah, my parents lived in a place so rural that there wasn't even really a good airport to fly into. So getting to them involved two airplanes and a long drive. Basically a day spent traveling every time, a rental car and at least a thousand dollars. Yet they insisted that someone visit them every three weeks and take them grocery shopping. We also got to clean their house since they wouldn't let strangers in to do it. So once a month, a sibling leaves their own kids and spouse at home to fend for themselves, spends a thousand dollars and burns some vacation leave to get their appliances fixed, take them grocery shopping, clean their house, etc. And if we don't do this, the random internet lady on this conversation will tell us that we're bad people. But is this really sustainable for years on end? My parents never offered to reimburse us for any of these expenses, and frankly that's a lot of money that isn't spent on our own families -- There isn't enough leave to take a trip with your own family, work on your own marriage, and in our case we might have been able to retire sooner if we didn't have to do this. My parents took care of their parents but didn't spend oodles of money, all of their vacation time, all of their leave, and didn't ignore their own marriages and children.

I agree this is not sustainable or a good set up. You're doing what you can and it's too much to ask in some ways. And the lack of support for families is part of the problem.

Part of the issue is that some of those conversations -about expectations, arrangements- need to happen before certain stages come into being. My mother and my FIL all have plans in place. But getting rid of all their stuff after they pass will be a huge pain.

My MIL refuses to talk about anything. But, when her DH passes we've made it clear she's going to need to move here. She cannot stay on an acre property in a SFH by herself, 8 hours away, at nearly 85. It's not happening, not only for convenience but her own safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My parents moved into a Brightview last year and now have more friends that I can ever remember them having. They are very happy there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

But what some of us are saying: WHY isn't there a better in between option??? That makes it safe and social for them and takes some of the work out of it for their adult kids? And allows those adult kids to be more compassionate and caring towards their elderly parents?

I'll be honest, I am shocked at some of the attitudes and views I've read on this thread. Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle. Such lacking in empathy. While it IS hard and those views are understandable at some level, I just don't understand the . . . sterility or lack of wanting to care for parents that some of you are displaying. So I guess the answer to the original question is, yes, in this country, get ready to be alone.

That's really sad. And scary.

There are other options.

My favorite is daycare. In my inlaws' city, a city ran daycare picks up elderly at their home every morning (and the bus is wheelchair accessible. It's a real city bus). They hang out in the community center, get free food, have activities. The more mobile ones go on a lot more excursions during the day, but some of the extremely elderly are happy to just play cards and watch movies with their friends. Then they get dropped off at the end of the day.

This sort of fun daycare takes such a burden off their relatives that they live with. Their children or relatives that they live with are able to work still.

"Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle."- I think you're misunderstanding the burden. How can children work or care for their own children (the grandchildren) when they are watching their elderly parents 24/7? Even the special lift gear needed to changed the sheets on the bed of an immobile person is a lot. And they need to be changed and wiped numerous times a day. Have you spent time with dementia patients? They aren't always rational. My grandma tried to burn down her house numerous times and that's when we were present!

Yes, I have. And the OP specifically excluded things like that. Dementia or Alzheimers is an entire separate animal, imo.

But most of us will get that way and it's unreasonable to expect family to always be able to take care of you. Unless you die a quick death, most deaths are where you slowly deteriorate and you are bed bound at the end (sometimes for years). While I'm a strong female, I'm still petite and I would be absolutely unable to support either of our dads or moms while they shower, fall down, use the toilet. I also work full time and need to do so to provide for my family.

My parents are absolutely not a hassle and I want to help them in any way possible as they age. My mom had a major issue and flew out to another hospital several states away last year. It was last minute that they could get the surgery scheduled. If my dad hadn't been there to support her, I have no idea how I could have swung it. My dh was out of town and I have 3 kids. I think for a lot of us it's scary knowing how to help and how much help our parents will need. I don't have siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

Better from a practical perspective maybe. There is no technology that will EVER replace another human being's kind touch or look in the eyes. Imagine spending your last years of life with nothing but a robot to feed/care for you and maybe, once in a blue moon, another human looks at you briefly, like an animal in a zoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in The Villages. Lol, a friend’s mother is living there and her behavior is like that of a 16-year-old. Her social life is amazing but embarrassing and ridiculous at the same time. It’s really nuts. But she is the opposite of alone.

Ummmm.. Where are these villages? Asking for a friend.

[Anonymous]

I would love to chose the time I pass like in the young adult novel The Giver. The elderly have a ceremony/celebration (Release) where the community comes together to tell them their life was meaningful.

"The telling of his life … is always first. Then the toast. We all raised our glasses and cheered. We chanted the anthem. He made a lovely good-bye speech. And several of us made little speeches wishing him well."

Then you walk through doors as they chant your name and you are euthanized.

Watching my mother who is in her early 80's with dementia, there is absolutely no way I want to go like that. It is such a cruel disease and there is so much suffering. I absolutely don't want to live like that until I forget how to walk, can't hold on to any memories, and can't even remember how to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my dad died my mom was struggled to figure out where she wanted to be and was adamant about not moving to an adult housing situation. So she spent a few years renting condos and being completely isolated in her world. My once every two week visits (she refused to move closer) were her only social avenues during that time. When she finally admitted she needed more help she was amenable to a move to an independent living apartment and she started making friends there. I think it’s important for seniors who are essentially alone (deceased spouse, kids with their own responsibilities) to make their own peer friends and try to salvage what little time they have left. If they are lonely and miserable that is a choice they’re making.

Your compassion for people with declining physical and cognitive abilities, and for your parents, is overwhelming. I hope your family shows you a bit more that you do.

What do to you boomers actually want? Do you want your adult children to leave you to your own folly because you won’t listen to reason about isolation / too big house / dangerous house / we can’t drop everything and fly to you for every medical issue . . . Or do you want your children to acknowledge that your physical and cognitive abilities are fading faster than you are willing to admit and take preemptive steps to help you?
What you don’t get is to have your adult children give up their own lives to cater to you in the home and location of your choice.

Why are you so angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

This is horrible.

It may be better than having grandma sit in her soaking wet bed waiting for the overworked nurse's aide to come and change her sheets.

Or falling down the stairs in her own home that's unsafe to live in. Or allowing water damage in a bathroom to get so bad that whole forms in the subfloor.

But what some of us are saying: WHY isn't there a better in between option??? That makes it safe and social for them and takes some of the work out of it for their adult kids? And allows those adult kids to be more compassionate and caring towards their elderly parents?

I'll be honest, I am shocked at some of the attitudes and views I've read on this thread. Viewing parents as nothing more than a hassle. Such lacking in empathy. While it IS hard and those views are understandable at some level, I just don't understand the . . . sterility or lack of wanting to care for parents that some of you are displaying. So I guess the answer to the original question is, yes, in this country, get ready to be alone.

That's really sad. And scary.

Right, it is not like you could not see the baby boom generation coming from decades ago.

But we are a capitalist country. The emphasis is on making money and rewarding those who do. DCUM parents choose their kid’s college based upon ROI (not quality of education or best place for my kid to mature into an adult).

Many other countries have better values, and policies which reflect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

Because we are significantly more transient as a society than we used to be. People don't live in the same place as their aging parents anymore.

Yup. For those of us from rural areas, we may not have the option to move back (no jobs). If they won't move to us, what are we supposed to do?

Yeah, my parents lived in a place so rural that there wasn't even really a good airport to fly into. So getting to them involved two airplanes and a long drive. Basically a day spent traveling every time, a rental car and at least a thousand dollars. Yet they insisted that someone visit them every three weeks and take them grocery shopping. We also got to clean their house since they wouldn't let strangers in to do it. So once a month, a sibling leaves their own kids and spouse at home to fend for themselves, spends a thousand dollars and burns some vacation leave to get their appliances fixed, take them grocery shopping, clean their house, etc. And if we don't do this, the random internet lady on this conversation will tell us that we're bad people. But is this really sustainable for years on end? My parents never offered to reimburse us for any of these expenses, and frankly that's a lot of money that isn't spent on our own families -- There isn't enough leave to take a trip with your own family, work on your own marriage, and in our case we might have been able to retire sooner if we didn't have to do this. My parents took care of their parents but didn't spend oodles of money, all of their vacation time, all of their leave, and didn't ignore their own marriages and children.

Don’t exaggerate. I am a poster who believes that kids have a moral obligation to concern themselves with the welfare of their elderly parents’ (assuming no abuse by the parents). BUT I think the scenario you describe is not tenable.


So it is not one or the other. You kids sound wonderful, but your parents expectations are not reasonable (while you are raising your own families). Someone has to move or they have to accept help )from paid caregivers). Perhaps a professional who identifies elder care solutions can help you.

I am sorry for your circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we should design, develop and build a DCUM retirement community. Let’s do a simulation here. Assume buy in. List location, necessities, and amenities. Those who aren’t willing to relocate or have other options, don’t apply unless you’re an investor. I know lots of developers and builders.

There are those here but they are pricey.

I like the ones where there's a daycare and a retirement home next to each other. My 90 year old grandma with dementia and my 2 year old do often enjoy the same activities and would love to sing and dance together (and I mean this in a kind way, I love both!). However, have you SEEN how sick 30 something parents get from the little germ factories that are daycare!?!?! This would be a death sentence for a retirement home. This past winter I had: flu, pink eye, strep, covid, some vomiting sickness, some random high fever for a week (no other symptoms) and my son has a cough that's been going on for a month. Any one of those would have killed an elderly person. As a healthy 30 something with a great immune system, I'm barely hanging on. My eldest's elementary school is just as bad and maybe worse. Daycares at least clean nonstop.

This is a common arrangement in China