Do the elderly always end up alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in The Villages. Lol, a friend’s mother is living there and her behavior is like that of a 16-year-old. Her social life is amazing but embarrassing and ridiculous at the same time. It’s really nuts. But she is the opposite of alone.

Why embarrassing? Because it does not comport with your rule book for how older people should behave?

Spare me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love your house more than you love people, why would you be lonely at your house?

Yeah. I see some family friends who routinely made long drives to their aging parents who refused to sell their old house/move closer to their children, even well past the time when they can practically/realistically live independently in said houses. They rob their children of months/years of time with their own children and spouses, not to mention all the physical and emotional toll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

DP. I am also from an immigrant family. My grandparents lived next to us, and they were able to age in their apartment, and basically stayed there until they died at 96 and 90. My mom, the eldest daughter was the one who made it possible. It was a successful outcome.

But seeing what that did to my mom, and what it deprived her of, I don’t want to do that to my children. I’d rather crawl to die somewhere in the wilderness. Or buy a ticket to Switzerland.

Asking genuinely, What did it deprive her of?

I feel like, if it's that problematic, that falls into the "should be in AL" bucket. If the parent is otherwise happy, healthy for age, and not causing problems (like with dementia), as with my grandparents and greats (until the very end) it was a better outcome for the person. I'm certainly not suggesting kids sacrifice and be burdened. I don't want to do that to my child, either. But part of it is perspective. At what point is it a burden vs. just an unwelcome presence or inconvenience? I don't like how disposable people become (generally speaking and not referencing any specific situation) as they age in this country. And we should all be cognizant of that as it will be us one day.

It wasn’t an AL situation - fine cognitively and fairly mobile. But… do you remember when you had elementary school age children? That was my mom from her 20s (her own kids) until into her 60s. Every vacation, every theater outing had to come with extensive back up plans for “what if”, and she was still the single back up for everything and everyone, so most of the time she simply said why bother. It wasn’t common then, so it wasn’t like we were deprived, but to put it into contemporary context, there wouldn’t be any serious EC commitments, no attending school plays, no college visits, no girls trips, no travel as empty nesters, no help with grandchildren for me and my brother - mom had the other priorities. That’s how my grandparents made it to their advanced ages - they ate her.

That happened to my white American mom as well. After I was out of the house and throughout her retirement she cared for her mother who lived with us; once I left home I would occasionally use my vacation leave and travel back to stay with my grandmother so mom could have a weekend away. It was the way her family traditionally did things, but the difference was that her grandparents etc... all died before they were in their mid 70s.

Grandma lived into her 90s, having not worked outside the home once, and basically doing almost nothing at all, even at our house, since she was in her late 60s, my mom had to do everything.

There was no way I was going to get sucked into a similar situation, and Mom didn't really want me to, even though I helped her out when I could. I plan to go to a nice assisted living retirement home and make friends in my old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

IMO, it's cultural. Americans are about the individual whereas a lot of other cultures are about the collective, especially family.

Also, now a days a lot of people move away from home for work, and some move multiple times. It's hard for the elderly parents to keep moving with their adult kids.

I'm also an immigrant. My eldest sister takes care of my parents; we are lucky to have her. She quit her job to take care of them (mom has medical issues). She has an independent adult child and is single. They pay her a little bit so she can pay taxes and report her income so she can earn social security credits. When she was working FT and trying to take care of them, she was super tired and stressed. We all agreed that the best thing for all of them was for her to quit. I have another sibling who could also potentially take care of my parents; they'd just have to move across the country. I still have kids at home.

That's the other thing: now a days people aren't having more than one or two kids, so the brunt of the parental care will fall on that one child, and maybe the two will share that burden, hopefully. I have two kids myself; my two siblings have two and one, respectively.

BTW, I have a brother who does jackshlt to help my parents, and they have no kids. I don't now who's going to take care of them when they are older. I guess they'll put themselves in a retirement home, too, but with no one to watch out for them.

[Anonymous]

I think many (not all) families didn't deal with this to the extent we are seeing now. People are living longer. My grandparents all died when I was in middle school. So people weren't giving it too much thought. Now, my parents' generation is living longer, but many don't have the means to pay for elder care. Or pay to move. Pay to downsize, since even a smaller place frequently more expensive than the old pile.

I am now in the process of dealing with my parents and siblings in-laws deal with elder issues. It is so sad to watch, both for them, and for the thought that thesis what is ahead.

I feel for you, OP. But the PP's advice of grieving, then get busy living and making these years the best they can be, resonated with me.

[Anonymous]

I seriously hope we have AI robots to help a bit when I am old in 25+ years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I seriously hope we have AI robots to help a bit when I am old in 25+ years

I don't want no robot touching my body and cleaning me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live with my elderly mother in a multigenerational home. It is, of course, stressful and difficult at times. But it would be much more stressful for me knowing that she is all alone somewhere. She helped me raise our kids and I am eternally grateful. The saddest thing with old people is that all their friends and relatives die, so they are lonely, even when the younger generation is close by. But we are here to keep her company and keep her safe.

My mom is in her 90s and has been active and involved in numerous hobbies and groups. She is in great physical shape and that has helped her enjoy life. She has had few medical problems. She has been through so many rounds of her friends dying off though and she always dealt with it better than anyone I've ever known. She was hanging around a younger group of delinquint 70 year olds and having a lot of fun until covid hit. She grew up in a large family and they always stayed in touch. She was very close with two of her sisters and they both died within the last few years and that has been the thing that rocked her. Now she plans for the end where before she lived every moment as if she was going to live for 200 years.

[Anonymous]

Make new friends! It's a skill. Keep exercising it. If it's hard now, work at it. Decades from now, you'll certainly have more connections.

[Anonymous]

Look into a Continuing Care Retirement Community like Goodwin House. People buy in and live in an Independent Apartment until they need extra help like Assisted Living, etc. Lots of people love it b/c there is a lot to do and they make a lot of friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are born alone and you die alone. In the sense that no one feels what you feel, even if you are surrounded by people.

But between those bookends, every day can be an adventure! Empty nest does not equal hospice, silly! You still have decades to go, and you have to reinvent yourself and find things to do that make you happy. That's your homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I seriously hope we have AI robots to help a bit when I am old in 25+ years

NP. This is what I predict also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

+1 Same. So many coulda, woulda, shouldas. One woman I dated moved to AZ (near Phoenix) and is literally in the middle of desert, in a planned community. They moved because one of their kids went to school in AZ, and the couple ended up there. Their kids all centered in one place, and can never move, seemingly, because now their parents have given up their life in an "alive" place, to golf and "hike" and have strip malls. I would feel better if my kids made their own lives, and were happy, and checked in on me regularly. That would be fine with me. I would miss them, but I would feel like I did them right. I would not want them to feel obligated to me, on the day to day. Holidays yes - but not day to day.

When we were dating, the whole spiel was that she could not leave her parents. But, her and her spouse did not seem happy all that time, it was just a grind. So, they missed all those years when it did not have to be that way.

[Anonymous]

My parents moved nearby to me (an expensive DC suburb, but they did it out of love for me). They're actually 3 houses down, the kids can easily walk to their home when they're bored. They love being near grandkids, help out after school, read in their preschools, hang out with them at the pool, make us dinner once a week. We all play games at night. It's very nice and it makes our life much easier. Contrast that to other parents I know who don't visit and just expect visits. I get that kids move away, but sometimes you have to follow them in your retirement.

When we renovated our home, we put an inlaw/au pair suite in our basement. I figured there would be a time when one of my parents would need to live with us. Yeah there are stairs, but they make stair lifts I guess? I've never been in a home in this area with a first floor bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Maybe we should design, develop and build a DCUM retirement community. Let’s do a simulation here. Assume buy in. List location, necessities, and amenities. Those who aren’t willing to relocate or have other options, don’t apply unless you’re an investor. I know lots of developers and builders.