Do the elderly always end up alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are born alone and you die alone. In the sense that no one feels what you feel, even if you are surrounded by people.

But between those bookends, every day can be an adventure! Empty nest does not equal hospice, silly! You still have decades to go, and you have to reinvent yourself and find things to do that make you happy. That's your homework.

Love this! About to have an empty nest myself.

[Anonymous]

My parents lived in the same 40 mile radius until their mid-60s. They were surrounded by friends from HS, college, work, and a church they were active in for over 40 years.

They moved to be closer to me just before Covid. They joined a new church, book clubs, play pick up pickleball at the rec center, joined a winery, volunteer at the library and more. In their 70s they are making new friends and finding new hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

Because we are significantly more transient as a society than we used to be. People don't live in the same place as their aging parents anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

Because we are significantly more transient as a society than we used to be. People don't live in the same place as their aging parents anymore.

Yup. For those of us from rural areas, we may not have the option to move back (no jobs). If they won't move to us, what are we supposed to do?

[Anonymous]

This is why I would never actively encourage my kid to go to college out of state. I won’t forbid it of course but since he is not focused and driven that way, he probably won’t pursue it on his own.
I do take care of my dad (moving him closer to me rn).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

Because we are significantly more transient as a society than we used to be. People don't live in the same place as their aging parents anymore.

That may be how it is but I’m not sure it should be. Or I should say, I’m not sure it’s best. Lots of lonely people and disconnected people. Especially at end of life.

[Anonymous]

If not literally, most are emotionally alone, more so if family is scattered around different states or countries. Internet is a Godsend for elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love your house more than you love people, why would you be lonely at your house?

I think this is true. My mom refuses to leave her house but I have to admit she is really happy and relaxed there. We did want her to downsize but figure the next move is likely to an aged care home

I think the hard thing about becoming an empty nester is that is creeps up on you. One minute you are crazy busy with kid stuff and then suddenly they are at college and you have way too much time on your hands.

[Anonymous]

After my dad died my mom was struggled to figure out where she wanted to be and was adamant about not moving to an adult housing situation. So she spent a few years renting condos and being completely isolated in her world. My once every two week visits (she refused to move closer) were her only social avenues during that time. When she finally admitted she needed more help she was amenable to a move to an independent living apartment and she started making friends there. I think it’s important for seniors who are essentially alone (deceased spouse, kids with their own responsibilities) to make their own peer friends and try to salvage what little time they have left. If they are lonely and miserable that is a choice they’re making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my dad died my mom was struggled to figure out where she wanted to be and was adamant about not moving to an adult housing situation. So she spent a few years renting condos and being completely isolated in her world. My once every two week visits (she refused to move closer) were her only social avenues during that time. When she finally admitted she needed more help she was amenable to a move to an independent living apartment and she started making friends there. I think it’s important for seniors who are essentially alone (deceased spouse, kids with their own responsibilities) to make their own peer friends and try to salvage what little time they have left. If they are lonely and miserable that is a choice they’re making.

Your compassion for people with declining physical and cognitive abilities, and for your parents, is overwhelming. I hope your family shows you a bit more that you do.

[Anonymous]

Previously worked on elder care and had a parent who was in a full-care facility for many years.

Bottom line in future: I predict elder care will be increasingly done by medication, robotics and technology. Essentially, warehousing the elderly in larger and larger facilities.

Even now, many elderly are over medicated almost to the point of stupor and are often completely bed-ridden, to be able for staff to manage them easier and spend less time on their care.

Profit is the motivator. Most assisted living and
Skilled nursing facilities are corporately owned now and are primarily interested in profits.

In China, they already have huge high-rise facilities where the elderly are assisted by technology (robotic meal delivery, sensors/cameras in room, beds/wetness sensors, robots lifing/moving people) where all of it is monitored by a central "command post."
Basically, no need for staff unless/until a monitor shows distress or a specific need.

I am certain this will be elder care in future America.

Welcome to the 21st Century

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After my dad died my mom was struggled to figure out where she wanted to be and was adamant about not moving to an adult housing situation. So she spent a few years renting condos and being completely isolated in her world. My once every two week visits (she refused to move closer) were her only social avenues during that time. When she finally admitted she needed more help she was amenable to a move to an independent living apartment and she started making friends there. I think it’s important for seniors who are essentially alone (deceased spouse, kids with their own responsibilities) to make their own peer friends and try to salvage what little time they have left. If they are lonely and miserable that is a choice they’re making.

Your compassion for people with declining physical and cognitive abilities, and for your parents, is overwhelming. I hope your family shows you a bit more that you do.

What do to you boomers actually want? Do you want your adult children to leave you to your own folly because you won’t listen to reason about isolation / too big house / dangerous house / we can’t drop everything and fly to you for every medical issue . . . Or do you want your children to acknowledge that your physical and cognitive abilities are fading faster than you are willing to admit and take preemptive steps to help you?
What you don’t get is to have your adult children give up their own lives to cater to you in the home and location of your choice.

[Anonymous]

My grandfather may have lived alone but he was most definitely not lonely or bored. He worked full-time until the last weeks of his life. He had many friends through his job. He had a girlfriend who he enjoyed going out for meals with. They spoke on the phone every night. He had many loving nieces and nephews in the same city who he visited with on a very regular basis. His kids and grandkids came to visit or he traveled to visit them fairly regularly. He kept busy and he was in no way housebound as he took the subway around the city and walked miles.

My aunt was widowed not long ago after a very long and wonderful marriage. Before my uncle died they kept busy with their family, travel and social clubs. About a year after being widowed she met a man who is now her travel companion. She is physically very active. She is aging well!

[Anonymous]

I've met women the past few years that are 50+ who are traveling and house sitting stateside or living the expat life. These women saw OPPORTUNITY, some are planning on co-living (ala Golden Girls) if marriage doesn't happen. IMHO if you are old and alone it's because you see aging as an end rather than a NEW beginning.

[Anonymous]

Maybe we should design, develop and build a DCUM retirement community. Let’s do a simulation here. Assume buy in. List location, necessities, and amenities.

Good idea. Probably have to start a new thread. Maybe a developer will pick-up on it. I would want a pool, indoor most important. I was staying at an Embassy Suites recently (one of their older properties), thought that set-up would work w/ the adjustment of a front & back outside sitting area.