My aunt can't speak or read english or drive, came to USA at 75 because all 3 kids came here for higher studies, found jobs and settled here instead of going back to war torn country. She was all alone there after her husband died. She can't live in a retirement home and hard to find home same ethnicity aids here. So far she is mobile and her kids take turns hosting her but nobody's home during day. Kids have to come home to take her to her appointments. She is deteriorating and its scary what would happen? |
The oldest generation is now living so long that the "kids" who are expected to be able to take care of them are not spring chickens themselves. My brother is in his sixties and recently had some kind of back operation. Guess who can no longer help his 90 year old mother in and out of bed and into the car, up and down the stairs, etc. We can foresee a scenario in which our parents live to their late 90's and we are in our seventies, and instead of caring for ourselves we are caring for an even older generation. Newsflash: There are people in their seventies with significant health issues who probably shouldn't be driving, who suffer from cataracts, who struggle driving at night, etc. And yet we will be the caregivers for people in their nineties! When do WE get to be old and looked after? |
I think you are reading it the wrong way. People aren't saying that they don't want to take care of their elderly parents, but that it is extremely difficult if you have a FT job and also have kids to take care of. That's hard enough; throw in an elderly person who doesn't have to do what you say unlike a child, and the stress level goes way up. My sister had to quit her job to take care of my mother who has dementia. They are lucky that she can do that because they don't have high expenses even as they live in hcol area, and she is single with an adult son who can also help. I have kids and work FT. The thought of having to take care of my mother in addition to my current responsibilities is daunting, and I think something would have to give. If I give up my job I would not be able to support my mother financially, nor would I be able to pay for DC's college. It's fine to live with your elderly parents when they don't need so much care. But, once they need a certain level of care, it becomes overwhelming. |
Yes, I have. And the OP specifically excluded things like that. Dementia or Alzheimers is an entire separate animal, imo. |
Yeah, my parents lived in a place so rural that there wasn't even really a good airport to fly into. So getting to them involved two airplanes and a long drive. Basically a day spent traveling every time, a rental car and at least a thousand dollars. Yet they insisted that someone visit them every three weeks and take them grocery shopping. We also got to clean their house since they wouldn't let strangers in to do it. So once a month, a sibling leaves their own kids and spouse at home to fend for themselves, spends a thousand dollars and burns some vacation leave to get their appliances fixed, take them grocery shopping, clean their house, etc. And if we don't do this, the random internet lady on this conversation will tell us that we're bad people. But is this really sustainable for years on end? My parents never offered to reimburse us for any of these expenses, and frankly that's a lot of money that isn't spent on our own families -- There isn't enough leave to take a trip with your own family, work on your own marriage, and in our case we might have been able to retire sooner if we didn't have to do this. My parents took care of their parents but didn't spend oodles of money, all of their vacation time, all of their leave, and didn't ignore their own marriages and children. |
I agree this is not sustainable or a good set up. You're doing what you can and it's too much to ask in some ways. And the lack of support for families is part of the problem. Part of the issue is that some of those conversations -about expectations, arrangements- need to happen before certain stages come into being. My mother and my FIL all have plans in place. But getting rid of all their stuff after they pass will be a huge pain. My MIL refuses to talk about anything. But, when her DH passes we've made it clear she's going to need to move here. She cannot stay on an acre property in a SFH by herself, 8 hours away, at nearly 85. It's not happening, not only for convenience but her own safety. |
My parents moved into a Brightview last year and now have more friends that I can ever remember them having. They are very happy there. |
But most of us will get that way and it's unreasonable to expect family to always be able to take care of you. Unless you die a quick death, most deaths are where you slowly deteriorate and you are bed bound at the end (sometimes for years). While I'm a strong female, I'm still petite and I would be absolutely unable to support either of our dads or moms while they shower, fall down, use the toilet. I also work full time and need to do so to provide for my family. My parents are absolutely not a hassle and I want to help them in any way possible as they age. My mom had a major issue and flew out to another hospital several states away last year. It was last minute that they could get the surgery scheduled. If my dad hadn't been there to support her, I have no idea how I could have swung it. My dh was out of town and I have 3 kids. I think for a lot of us it's scary knowing how to help and how much help our parents will need. I don't have siblings. |
Better from a practical perspective maybe. There is no technology that will EVER replace another human being's kind touch or look in the eyes. Imagine spending your last years of life with nothing but a robot to feed/care for you and maybe, once in a blue moon, another human looks at you briefly, like an animal in a zoo. |
Ummmm.. Where are these villages? Asking for a friend. |
I would love to chose the time I pass like in the young adult novel The Giver. The elderly have a ceremony/celebration (Release) where the community comes together to tell them their life was meaningful.
"The telling of his life … is always first. Then the toast. We all raised our glasses and cheered. We chanted the anthem. He made a lovely good-bye speech. And several of us made little speeches wishing him well." Then you walk through doors as they chant your name and you are euthanized. Watching my mother who is in her early 80's with dementia, there is absolutely no way I want to go like that. It is such a cruel disease and there is so much suffering. I absolutely don't want to live like that until I forget how to walk, can't hold on to any memories, and can't even remember how to eat. |
Why are you so angry? |
Right, it is not like you could not see the baby boom generation coming from decades ago. But we are a capitalist country. The emphasis is on making money and rewarding those who do. DCUM parents choose their kid’s college based upon ROI (not quality of education or best place for my kid to mature into an adult). Many other countries have better values, and policies which reflect them. |
Don’t exaggerate. I am a poster who believes that kids have a moral obligation to concern themselves with the welfare of their elderly parents’ (assuming no abuse by the parents). BUT I think the scenario you describe is not tenable. So it is not one or the other. You kids sound wonderful, but your parents expectations are not reasonable (while you are raising your own families). Someone has to move or they have to accept help )from paid caregivers). Perhaps a professional who identifies elder care solutions can help you. I am sorry for your circumstances. |
This is a common arrangement in China |