Do the elderly always end up alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

DP. I am also from an immigrant family. My grandparents lived next to us, and they were able to age in their apartment, and basically stayed there until they died at 96 and 90. My mom, the eldest daughter was the one who made it possible. It was a successful outcome.

But seeing what that did to my mom, and what it deprived her of, I don’t want to do that to my children. I’d rather crawl to die somewhere in the wilderness. Or buy a ticket to Switzerland.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

DP. I am also from an immigrant family. My grandparents lived next to us, and they were able to age in their apartment, and basically stayed there until they died at 96 and 90. My mom, the eldest daughter was the one who made it possible. It was a successful outcome.

But seeing what that did to my mom, and what it deprived her of, I don’t want to do that to my children. I’d rather crawl to die somewhere in the wilderness. Or buy a ticket to Switzerland.

Asking genuinely, What did it deprive her of?

I feel like, if it's that problematic, that falls into the "should be in AL" bucket. If the parent is otherwise happy, healthy for age, and not causing problems (like with dementia), as with my grandparents and greats (until the very end) it was a better outcome for the person. I'm certainly not suggesting kids sacrifice and be burdened. I don't want to do that to my child, either. But part of it is perspective. At what point is it a burden vs. just an unwelcome presence or inconvenience? I don't like how disposable people become (generally speaking and not referencing any specific situation) as they age in this country. And we should all be cognizant of that as it will be us one day.

[Anonymous]

For those who like to bring up Switzerland . . . you all know you can just show up right? There is a process and a buy in for that to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who like to bring up Switzerland . . . you all know you can just show up right? There is a process and a buy in for that to work.

I am the one who brought it up, and I know how Dignitas works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

DP. I am also from an immigrant family. My grandparents lived next to us, and they were able to age in their apartment, and basically stayed there until they died at 96 and 90. My mom, the eldest daughter was the one who made it possible. It was a successful outcome.

But seeing what that did to my mom, and what it deprived her of, I don’t want to do that to my children. I’d rather crawl to die somewhere in the wilderness. Or buy a ticket to Switzerland.

Asking genuinely, What did it deprive her of?

I feel like, if it's that problematic, that falls into the "should be in AL" bucket. If the parent is otherwise happy, healthy for age, and not causing problems (like with dementia), as with my grandparents and greats (until the very end) it was a better outcome for the person. I'm certainly not suggesting kids sacrifice and be burdened. I don't want to do that to my child, either. But part of it is perspective. At what point is it a burden vs. just an unwelcome presence or inconvenience? I don't like how disposable people become (generally speaking and not referencing any specific situation) as they age in this country. And we should all be cognizant of that as it will be us one day.

It wasn’t an AL situation - fine cognitively and fairly mobile. But… do you remember when you had elementary school age children? That was my mom from her 20s (her own kids) until into her 60s. Every vacation, every theater outing had to come with extensive back up plans for “what if”, and she was still the single back up for everything and everyone, so most of the time she simply said why bother. It wasn’t common then, so it wasn’t like we were deprived, but to put it into contemporary context, there wouldn’t be any serious EC commitments, no attending school plays, no college visits, no girls trips, no travel as empty nesters, no help with grandchildren for me and my brother - mom had the other priorities. That’s how my grandparents made it to their advanced ages - they ate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH’s grandfather was well loved by the whole extended family and there was a line of family willing to take care of him (he lived with one of his daughters who is my DH’s mother). The grandfather raised the large family by himself. He was generous and helpful: took care of the veg garden and sharing veg with neighbors and friends, active socially always walking around, watched my DH after school when he was young. This extended family situation imo is ideal, but seems so rare nowadays. The adult child can look after the elderly parent—make sure they don’t fall for any scams, and take care of them; the elderly keep an eye out for grandkids, everyone is emotionally nourished.

Contrast that with now. My father actively told me that his retirement state has bad schools (ie, don’t move close to him). He said he did his part in raising me and my sibling, and he wants no hand in dealing with his grandkids. Now that he’s older, he has done a 180 and trying to say there are private schools in his state. Too late, we are already settled in our new home, and he’s unwilling to move. Many in the boomer generation are so selfish. Anyways I think that’s why you see many so isolated.

Of course if the elderly have severe medical issues like dementia, that’s a different matter and they need AL.

Not too late to bring back traditional values for the next generation.

Elder care is like child care: when you have two full time working people in a household, you still have to outsource it.

[Anonymous]

It seems like for many people it stays pretty good until 75, for a lot until 80, but not a lot after 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who like to bring up Switzerland . . . you all know you can just show up right? There is a process and a buy in for that to work.

I am the one who brought it up, and I know how Dignitas works.

Then this comment wasn't for you, was it? I see lots of ppl bring it up on the health/aging boards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp.

DP. I am also from an immigrant family. My grandparents lived next to us, and they were able to age in their apartment, and basically stayed there until they died at 96 and 90. My mom, the eldest daughter was the one who made it possible. It was a successful outcome.

But seeing what that did to my mom, and what it deprived her of, I don’t want to do that to my children. I’d rather crawl to die somewhere in the wilderness. Or buy a ticket to Switzerland.

Asking genuinely, What did it deprive her of?

I feel like, if it's that problematic, that falls into the "should be in AL" bucket. If the parent is otherwise happy, healthy for age, and not causing problems (like with dementia), as with my grandparents and greats (until the very end) it was a better outcome for the person. I'm certainly not suggesting kids sacrifice and be burdened. I don't want to do that to my child, either. But part of it is perspective. At what point is it a burden vs. just an unwelcome presence or inconvenience? I don't like how disposable people become (generally speaking and not referencing any specific situation) as they age in this country. And we should all be cognizant of that as it will be us one day.

It wasn’t an AL situation - fine cognitively and fairly mobile. But… do you remember when you had elementary school age children? That was my mom from her 20s (her own kids) until into her 60s. Every vacation, every theater outing had to come with extensive back up plans for “what if”, and she was still the single back up for everything and everyone, so most of the time she simply said why bother. It wasn’t common then, so it wasn’t like we were deprived, but to put it into contemporary context, there wouldn’t be any serious EC commitments, no attending school plays, no college visits, no girls trips, no travel as empty nesters, no help with grandchildren for me and my brother - mom had the other priorities. That’s how my grandparents made it to their advanced ages - they ate her.

That's hard, for sure. Our parents are in their 70s/80s and healthy'ish FTMP and refuse to move to us (and we are not moving back to the midwest).

[Anonymous]

If you love your house more than you love people, why would you be lonely at your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who like to bring up Switzerland . . . you all know you can just show up right? There is a process and a buy in for that to work.

I am the one who brought it up, and I know how Dignitas works.

Then this comment wasn't for you, was it? I see lots of ppl bring it up on the health/aging boards.

DP. What a weirdly aggressive flex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love your house more than you love people, why would you be lonely at your house?

Don't be a jerk. It's far more complicated than that. And you know it. Its about memories and where you're comfortable. And it's traumatic for some people to give that up (a friend's relative is dealing with this right now).

And it's kids not wanting to care for their parents (see the posts even on here). It's about spouses dying. Friends dying. Relatives Dying. Maybe you've outlived them all but your kids, but they don't want to deal with you? They view you as a child or an inconvenience.

I"m not suggesting none of those feelings are invalid. It's hard. But they are your parents. They raised you. But, I guess I don't understand how people can view their parents in that manner. It's sad and it is a uniquely American thing (I have relatives in other countries, as do friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking about this alot now that I'm firmly middle-aged and about to have an empty nest (that's a whole other level of grief). As kids go on to college and their lives, and families spread out, do the elderly always end up alone?

I just fear being in this big house (not mcmansion big but big for only 1-2 pple) with just spouse and I? And when/if one passes, the other being her alone. It's the "family home" and we are all sentimental about it. The idea of downsizing or selling as we age is painful. The idea of some sort of tiny apt in an AL situation makes me want to be sick after the "glory days" of raising a family with a yard, and a bit of green space, and pets, and BBQs, and Birthday Parties.

Also, as we get older, how do we stay social and connected once we are alone and/or people start dying around us? To keep mobile and mentally "with it"?

It seems that growing old in this country is such a sad, lonely affair. And with it looming for me in the upcoming decades, I am growing more anxious and scared for what lies in front of me. And knowing my best days are potentially behind me.

Can anyone offer perspective? Cheer me up?

All I can say is that I share your view. It is hard to be optimistic about what lies ahead.

I was a single parent. My kid is successfully launched, which means I did a good job…but I am about to retire. I fear no one to do anything with (travel, walk, eat out) and no one to support me through health crises. Sad and scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who like to bring up Switzerland . . . you all know you can just show up right? There is a process and a buy in for that to work.

I am the one who brought it up, and I know how Dignitas works.

Then this comment wasn't for you, was it? I see lots of ppl bring it up on the health/aging boards.

DP. What a weirdly aggressive flex.

Nah, the PP got offended that the comment as directed to him/her and it wasn't. That was the weird comment.