Confession: I resent that so many of my friends won't hire babysitters to get out on a Sat night

[Anonymous]

Pack up your suavé de boner lifestyle, move to Beverly Hills or Vegas and become hep-C infected swingers.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I make a similar income to yours, but we save aggressively for retirement, for our emergency fund, and for college. What's left is allocated to necessities.

Babysitters and evenings out to the tune of hundreds a month are not a priority for us. At all. With or without you. We like the way we live and have no incentive to change it.

If you don't like it, then find someone else to go out with. This is how we do things in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a similar income to yours, but we save aggressively for retirement, for our emergency fund, and for college. What's left is allocated to necessities.

Babysitters and evenings out to the tune of hundreds a month are not a priority for us. At all. With or without you. We like the way we live and have no incentive to change it.

If you don't like it, then find someone else to go out with. This is how we do things in our family.

But do you complain to your friends about not getting out? That is the OP's point.

[Anonymous]

dont worry Op, it gets better. My kids are older now so we have tons of flexibility, as do our friends.

My experience, when my kids were young, was that between working, traveling for work (and needing to make childcare arrangements for some of those times), and required social events (school auctions, etc.) I was babysittered out by the time a free Saturday rolled around. We chose to do things with other families rather than couples. Or I got together with girlfriends for dinner during the week when my DH was home. Not sure I ever recall meeting up just with other couples on a Sat night.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to find a sitter like others have said. Do you seriously look someone up on sittercity and hand your kids over to her? I don't get how you get a sitter unless you have family or a trusted sitter you use quite often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I'm not sure where the SAHM assumption came from. I actually work full time. And I do feel like my time with my kids is limited, but for me, this isn't about whether I'm with my kids or my friends. I typically put the kids to bed BEFORE I go out.

I'm not talking about late nights out either. We're usually home by 11.

No one was assuming that you are a SAHM but if you want to meet up for a late dinner/drinks with other couples then you will have more luck if the other mom is a SAHM not a working mom.

I don't get the whole SAHM thing and going out. Are WOHMs not entitled to a night out alone with their husbands? I am a WOHM and we get babysitters about 2x/month on Saturday nights. Usually it is just my DH and I, but occasionally we go out with other couples, too. We don't stay out late and we don't drink to excess, but we do have a nice meal and a few drinks before coming home by about 10. My DH and I are on totally different schedules work-wise - I go in early and come home early, he goes in later and often is at work/receptions until later, so really, often the only time we can re-connect as a couple is during these nights out. All of the other couples we go out with are WOHMs and WOHDs and we all have fun together. My kids (5 and 3) have had the same babysitter for years and are with her for about 2 hours before she puts them to bed and they are fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a similar income to yours, but we save aggressively for retirement, for our emergency fund, and for college. What's left is allocated to necessities.

Babysitters and evenings out to the tune of hundreds a month are not a priority for us. At all. With or without you. We like the way we live and have no incentive to change it.

If you don't like it, then find someone else to go out with. This is how we do things in our family.

But do you complain to your friends about not getting out? That is the OP's point.

I don't, but I certainly understand why someone would - it's a social nicety, a way of making conversation, of assuring the person extending the invitation that, but for ____, you'd love to go.

Also, few people in my life know how frugal we are, or more accurately, we don't talk finances with our friends. I will never tell a friend that I can't go out to dinner because I don't want to spend the money - I'll make some other excuse.

[Anonymous]

OP, it must be so very tiring going around resenting perfectly reasonable people and their reasonable obligations as you do...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a similar income to yours, but we save aggressively for retirement, for our emergency fund, and for college. What's left is allocated to necessities.

Babysitters and evenings out to the tune of hundreds a month are not a priority for us. At all. With or without you. We like the way we live and have no incentive to change it.

If you don't like it, then find someone else to go out with. This is how we do things in our family.

But do you complain to your friends about not getting out? That is the OP's point.

Their feigned complaints are not the point. Everyone says these sorts of things without really meaning it. It's OP's resentment that's the point.

[Anonymous]

We have parents close by so we have fairly regular nights out but we'd still love to find a regular babysitter. Just not sure really how to go about it and with a million other things to do hasn't been a priority. How do you find a sitter anyway? Not sure I'm comfortable with SitterCity or CL. My kids are pretty young...

[Anonymous]

OP, I could be one of your friends, except that I don't have any married w/kids friends who are constantly asking me out that I'm having to turn down. Presumably b/c they're all in the same boat I'm in: they're too busy during the day and too tired at night. We can certainly "afford" a date night here and there (though twice a month seems a bit steep, between sitters and dinner/movie), and we would love, in theory, to have some adult time out of the house with our friends, without kids. Our two main obstacles are: (1) we use day care, so we don't have a regular sitter, and are only willing to impose on family/friends or hire a stranger in very special circumstances; and (2) (this is really the main one) we are so freaking exhausted by the end of the day that even when we have family in town, visiting, and STAYING with us, OFFERING to babysit, and PUSHING us out the door, we often decide to watch 40 minutes of Tivo and go to bed early rather than getting dressed up to go out to dinner, or even just heading to a theater and battling the crowds of teenagers out on a weekend night.

[Anonymous]

Those pictures on Sittershitty look completely fake. I'd sooner leave my child with Britney Spears and Charlie Sheen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I'm not sure where the SAHM assumption came from. I actually work full time. And I do feel like my time with my kids is limited, but for me, this isn't about whether I'm with my kids or my friends. I typically put the kids to bed BEFORE I go out.

I'm not talking about late nights out either. We're usually home by 11.

No one was assuming that you are a SAHM but if you want to meet up for a late dinner/drinks with other couples then you will have more luck if the other mom is a SAHM not a working mom.

I don't get the whole SAHM thing and going out. Are WOHMs not entitled to a night out alone with their husbands? I am a WOHM and we get babysitters about 2x/month on Saturday nights. Usually it is just my DH and I, but occasionally we go out with other couples, too. We don't stay out late and we don't drink to excess, but we do have a nice meal and a few drinks before coming home by about 10. My DH and I are on totally different schedules work-wise - I go in early and come home early, he goes in later and often is at work/receptions until later, so really, often the only time we can re-connect as a couple is during these nights out. All of the other couples we go out with are WOHMs and WOHDs and we all have fun together. My kids (5 and 3) have had the same babysitter for years and are with her for about 2 hours before she puts them to bed and they are fine with it.

It's not about being entitled to go out. OP is having trouble finding friends who value couples time on weekends without the children around as much as she and her husband do. Because SAHMs have far less adult interaction during the week, they are a pool of people who are more likely to highly value kid-free couples outings on the weekends. I have been both a SAHM and WOHM mom. When I was staying home, I would have cut off my right arm for adult conversation and the chance to wear a nice outfit and dine in a good restaurant on a Saturday night. With paid work outside the home, I crave curling up on the sofa in my fuzzy slippers with DH, a bottle of wine and a good video from Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We could afford sitters and make more than your friends but we never go out with friends on a Saturday night.

Since DH and I both work we both want to spend time with the kids on the weekends. My kids get up early so we are all up at around 6:30 in the morning. This usually means being pretty busy going to parks, museums, activities, and running around them. We pretty exhausted at the end of the day. Once they go to bed is when we catch up on house stuff, maybe sit down for an hour, and we really don't have the energy to go out after 8pm to meet friends for a late dinner. We'll be yawning by 9 and falling asleep by 10. A babysitter is expensive, you need to make arrangements, and since both your sitter and the friends are counting on you, you don't have the option of cancelling if its been a really tiring day.

When we do do a date night, DH and I really need it to be by ourselves. We don't get alot of alone time and giving up what little we have to hang out with old friends frequently on a Saturday night doesn't trump our relationship.

OP you may want to make friends with more SAHM whose spouses make enough for them not to worry about the cost of a sitter. Its entirely different for a SAHM who has been with kids and limited adult conversation all week. When we visit my SIL/BIL we always offer to watch all the kids while they go out for several nights. DH and I want the time with kids wile she is dying to get away so it works out well.

THAT'S IT, right there! This makes a big difference. OP, this is great advice. My husband and I enjoy adult conversation at work and during lunches with friends, so we get our fill. Evenings and weekends tend to be family time. Give your friends and yourself a break. Find someone new to socialize with.

I disagree. I'm also a FTWM and we also make time for maintaining our social life. We have some friends who don't have kids, so especially when we go out with them, we get a sitter. We can still maintain a social life and have QT wtih the kids. We have a baby and a 5yr ild and 100% of the time the sitter arrives just as we are putting the baby down, around 6:45. Our oldest goes to bed around 8:30, so it really does not slice into family time.

Furthermore, DH and I also take a vacation together (alone) once a year. It is wonderful to know that we still enjoy each other's company. It is good to know that when the birdies leave the nest DH and I still have a blast together.
Honestly, people who cannot separate from their kids are often boring. They seem to have nothing going on, but their kids. I love my kids, but I also think it healthy to nurture friendships and my relationship with my spouse. It is easy to get sucked into the grind and forget what it feels like to be person who likes to have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to find a sitter like others have said. Do you seriously look someone up on sittercity and hand your kids over to her? I don't get how you get a sitter unless you have family or a trusted sitter you use quite often.

From friends who have babysitter age children. Or referrals from friends who have outgrown their sitters.