Confession: I resent that so many of my friends won't hire babysitters to get out on a Sat night

[Anonymous]

We have HHI around $140 (so maybe less than your friends), but daycare and housing costs are high and we try to live on a pretty tight budget to make room for savings. A babysitter is a once-in-awhile treat for us and we particularly try to avoid nights where we have to pay for a babysitter and an expensive dinner out. Some of your friends may be in a similar boat...

[Anonymous]

Let's look at the math:

A simple adults "night out" -
A babysitter at $15/hour, 6 pm - 10 pm = $60 (doesn't count snacks or pizza for kids)
Dinner for two downtown at a mid-priced to expensive restaurant = $100-150 (easily), + $50-75, if you're drinking (this is conservative - I know many couples who can spend more than this)
Parking downtown = $20 (minimum) + tip

You're talking about each family dropping anywhere from $230 - $300 for a night out? Really? Even twice a month would add up to $6K a year. For nights out?

[Anonymous]

"You know, it seems like you often say you can't have a date night -- can I ask? Is there some reason you feel you can't go out? Maybe I can help you find a reliable sitter or something...."

Next time they complain, "Yeah, you said you can't have date night before. You've been saying that a lot. Are you sure you really want to have a date night?"

Third time: "Meghan -- stop telling me you ca't have date night, already!"

[Anonymous]

8:41 here.

Oh - and at your tax bracket, you probably have to make $10K gross to spend $6K on Saturday evenings out.

A) Get new friends who can spend money like you do.
B) Take a hint from your friends and be more conservative. What happened to having friends over for dinner on Saturdays or game nights?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at the math:

A simple adults "night out" -
A babysitter at $15/hour, 6 pm - 10 pm = $60 (doesn't count snacks or pizza for kids)
Dinner for two downtown at a mid-priced to expensive restaurant = $100-150 (easily), + $50-75, if you're drinking (this is conservative - I know many couples who can spend more than this)
Parking downtown = $20 (minimum) + tip

You're talking about each family dropping anywhere from $230 - $300 for a night out? Really? Even twice a month would add up to $6K a year. For nights out?

MUCH cheaper than a divorce.

[Anonymous]

The day DH actually bothers to find a babysitter on his own, plan the evening, and arrange DC's food, give them a bath, and get the cash to pay the babysitter.

I used to do all of this stuff for "date nights," but given that we both WOTH full-time, and I still shoulder the burden for the majority of childcare, I thought that if DH really wanted date night, he could arrange it. Guess what? He still hasn't.

I don't mind. I'd rather save the money or have dinner with my kids at home. I prefer having friends over for a leisurely playdate/dinner on Saturday nights. I like making complicated recipes, multi-course meals, and being able to drink without worry about driving.

If you don't like your friends' priorities, you need to find new friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm with you. And it did decrease the closeness of several of our good couple friends. I do agree it's frustrating.

[Anonymous]

We look forward to the time when we can go out more and leave the kids behind with a sitter, but honestly, they have so many sleeping problems that I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a sitter at this point. We have a 10 month old and a 2 year old and they both wake up screaming a lot. The toddler would freak out if she woke up to someone other than me, DH, my sister, or my parents there.

DH and I both would like to get out with friends without kids but figure we'll have to wait a few years for that to happen.

[Anonymous]

I could be like your friends...I rarely get out on Saturday & sometimes I complain about it. We had a bad experience with one babysitter and are reluctant to try again until DS is a little older. We have no family in town & it's just hard to find a sitter I trust with an infant. I expect I'll feel better about leaving him when he's old enough to tell me what he did, etc, with a sitter. For now, I (reluctantly) stay home on weekend nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are selfish with our date nights. We don't want to go out with other couples. We want to spend time together, just the two of us.

This is exactly how I feel. I guess I don't really feel the need for "couples date nights." If want to spend quality time with my friends, I can have my DH take care of the baby and save a lot of money and stress. I also have a frequent night waker, so we can't just have any old person watch him or he won't go back to sleep. And you have no idea what people's finances are like, even if you know their income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My group of friends is all in a similar financial position to us (not rolling in dough but in the $200k/yr range). Yet so many of them won't just pay for a sitter on the occasional Saturday night. (We hire sitters and go out. We're with the kids when they're up. I mean we have a sitter when they go to bed.)

For my friends who won't shell out the cash for a sitter we now only hang out during the day with all the kids running around. And then I feel resentful when they gripe about never having date night. So, I feel I'm drifting a bit from some of the friends who won't invest in a babysitter, because the time we spend together isn't really quality time. It's runinng after kids, etc, etc.

Is it crazy to think that a couple making about $200k could afford a sitter on the occastional saturday night (or even most)?

Funny. . .I think $200K/yr is sort of rolling in it Enough to hire a sitter anyway!!!

[Anonymous]

You resent them? Why do you resent them? Because you only see them during the day? That makes no sense to me. I'd understand if you were saying they didn't make time for you -but it sounds like you are complaining about the type of time. Or maybe you are just tired of hearing "we never get to go out" and you don't understand why they don't just do it.

$200K is a lot of money, but depending on their other expenses, it doesn't mean they are rolling in extra dough. And babysitters are not cheap. Also, I can't speak for your friends, but there may be other reasons. Personally, I just can't get over the hurdle of hiring someone I don't know to watch my kid. It sounds nice in theory, but I just can't get over it in practice, especially with the cost. I'm paying more money for less trust. So maybe they just haven't found a trusted sitter.

But do I resent people who use sitters all the time and go out? No, of course not. To each their own. It sounds like you just need to find friends that share you values.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. We routinely have date nights and when my close friend complains that her marital relationship is strained, or she is fed up with watching the kids because she SAH and her DH is always gone/busy, I say 'you need a date night' or 'we need a night out just us two' and the response is always 'oh it's not THAT bad, yeah I know we need one but I just couldn't leave the kids!'. So, whenever we get together, it's us women minding the children (because the other mom won't leave her DH in charge even if my DH is there too) and we barely get to talk. It's not fun for me since my kids are a lot more rambunctious than hers. But I value her friendship so I suck it up, and I think she's just the type of person who wants our families to hang out all together more than anything.

I also want to correct people when we're talking about 'date night'. We leave our kids with the grandparents all the time and hang out and play Rock Band with our friends or go to a movie (expensive, but not so much when you just buy popcorn). It's not necessarily going out and spending cash for fancy food and drinks; it's just about hanging with friends. Maybe you need some friends without kids? That's who we hang out with the most on our 'date nights'.

And for our sanity, splurging on a babysitter twice a month is the BEST thing. Of course, last weekend I was so excited for a girls' night (just me, kids with a sitter) since I let DH go away on an overnight, but I was exhausted and home by 10pm. At 10:15 in comes DH; he was bored and missed us so he decided to come home So we're not talking 'out till 1am' nights, just little bites of adult time!

(We also have the babysitter put the kids to bed. If they wake up, it won't be a surprise - I agree that having them wake to a stranger is a bad idea.)

[Anonymous]

I wonder if this is a SAHM thing? I work FT as does my husband, and for me date nights are not about hanging out with other couples, unless there's a party or special occasion. I suppose if you stay at home with your kids, you might be more eager that double dates or whatever. For dual-career couples whose kids are in school / daycare / with a nanny (or some combination thereof), my weekends are for spending time with my family, relaxing with my husband, and getting everything done that I can't do during the week.

I read some of these responses and remember that there is a really wide age range on these boards. Honestly the idea of paying a babysitter so that I could go to a friend's house with my husband and

and hang out and play Rock Band

sounds ridiculous to me. Must be a generational thing!

[Anonymous]

OP, I can imagine one of my friends writing your post. Here's why we don't go along...

- Babysitters are expensive. Between daycare, commuting costs, housing, and retirement savings, we actually don't have much left over.

- When we have grandparents in town we go out. Because of the above, DH and my 'dates' are usually to places like Chipotle followed by a movie. This is our style and budget.

- We pay $20K a year for daycare and spend 9 hours a day without our child. We usually don't feel like paying more money to spend even less time with him.

- When we made an effort to get together with the group of friends, we'd inevitably wind up sitting next to the couple that another couple invited, who we don't even know, and so we wind up shelling out $60+ for a babysitter (and $100+ for dinner) so we can talk to strangers all night. Not fun!

- Having a babysitter can be a lot of work. We typically clean up the house on Saturday and Sunday mornings. When we have a sitter we feel rushed to get it all done on Saturday. Two of our sitters don't have transportation (and don't live around the block either) so DH has had to take them home at the end of the night.

I would much rather put the kids to bed, order some takeout, and have a nice date with DH and the TiVo.