Confession: I resent that so many of my friends won't hire babysitters to get out on a Sat night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We won't hire sitters either and make plenty of money to do so if we wanted to. It is not about the money. We want to include our DD in activities and have little desire to do the things that require no kids (bars, nightclubs, expensive/fancy restaurant). We plan our social life around things our DD can enjoy with us. Find new friends if you are so resentful. They are probably annoyed that you don't want to include your and their children.

Same here, although, it's also about the money for us. I really like spending as much time as possible with my toddler, right now, and I know it won't be this way forever. Besides, I'm usually tired and ready to crash by 9pm, 10pm tops. Sure, my husband and I fantasize about nights out and we probably even complain a little, but the reality is, sitter or not, we'd still have to get up with our daughter early the next morning and be coherent. It's just not that appealing. We have early dinners with friends and their kids, but we have very few nights outs, alone or with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You resent them? Why do you resent them? Because you only see them during the day? That makes no sense to me. I'd understand if you were saying they didn't make time for you -but it sounds like you are complaining about the type of time. Or maybe you are just tired of hearing "we never get to go out" and you don't understand why they don't just do it.

$200K is a lot of money, but depending on their other expenses, it doesn't mean they are rolling in extra dough. And babysitters are not cheap. Also, I can't speak for your friends, but there may be other reasons. Personally, I just can't get over the hurdle of hiring someone I don't know to watch my kid. It sounds nice in theory, but I just can't get over it in practice, especially with the cost. I'm paying more money for less trust. So maybe they just haven't found a trusted sitter.

But do I resent people who use sitters all the time and go out? No, of course not. To each their own. It sounds like you just need to find friends that share you values.

Not the OP, but I can explain my resentment. Some of my friends think they can have quality time with me with their children around, but there are so many interruptions to handle or do something for the kids that we can't get into a good conversational flow. It's just much more fun to spend time adult on adult without kids around once in a while.

[Anonymous]

We have HHI around $140 (so maybe less than your friends), but daycare and housing costs are high and we try to live on a pretty tight budget to make room for savings. A babysitter is a once-in-awhile treat for us and we particularly try to avoid nights where we have to pay for a babysitter and an expensive dinner out. Some of your friends may be in a similar boat...

Yes, but would you complain about it to others? It is one thing to make a choice, but another to complain "Oh, I can't, I can't" especially from friends. I have kids to whine at me - I don't need the adults to do the same. It's the complaining and then not doing anything about it. OP: your friends don't see it as you do. Just let go - either they'll surface at some point or not. It would help if you found a few friends who think like you do.

[Anonymous]

We could afford sitters and make more than your friends but we never go out with friends on a Saturday night.

Since DH and I both work we both want to spend time with the kids on the weekends. My kids get up early so we are all up at around 6:30 in the morning. This usually means being pretty busy going to parks, museums, activities, and running around them. We pretty exhausted at the end of the day. Once they go to bed is when we catch up on house stuff, maybe sit down for an hour, and we really don't have the energy to go out after 8pm to meet friends for a late dinner. We'll be yawning by 9 and falling asleep by 10. A babysitter is expensive, you need to make arrangements, and since both your sitter and the friends are counting on you, you don't have the option of cancelling if its been a really tiring day.

When we do do a date night, DH and I really need it to be by ourselves. We don't get alot of alone time and giving up what little we have to hang out with old friends frequently on a Saturday night doesn't trump our relationship.

OP you may want to make friends with more SAHM whose spouses make enough for them not to worry about the cost of a sitter. Its entirely different for a SAHM who has been with kids and limited adult conversation all week. When we visit my SIL/BIL we always offer to watch all the kids while they go out for several nights. DH and I want the time with kids wile she is dying to get away so it works out well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We could afford sitters and make more than your friends but we never go out with friends on a Saturday night.

Since DH and I both work we both want to spend time with the kids on the weekends. My kids get up early so we are all up at around 6:30 in the morning. This usually means being pretty busy going to parks, museums, activities, and running around them. We pretty exhausted at the end of the day. Once they go to bed is when we catch up on house stuff, maybe sit down for an hour, and we really don't have the energy to go out after 8pm to meet friends for a late dinner. We'll be yawning by 9 and falling asleep by 10. A babysitter is expensive, you need to make arrangements, and since both your sitter and the friends are counting on you, you don't have the option of cancelling if its been a really tiring day.

When we do do a date night, DH and I really need it to be by ourselves. We don't get alot of alone time and giving up what little we have to hang out with old friends frequently on a Saturday night doesn't trump our relationship.

OP you may want to make friends with more SAHM whose spouses make enough for them not to worry about the cost of a sitter. Its entirely different for a SAHM who has been with kids and limited adult conversation all week. When we visit my SIL/BIL we always offer to watch all the kids while they go out for several nights. DH and I want the time with kids wile she is dying to get away so it works out well.

THAT'S IT, right there! This makes a big difference. OP, this is great advice. My husband and I enjoy adult conversation at work and during lunches with friends, so we get our fill. Evenings and weekends tend to be family time. Give your friends and yourself a break. Find someone new to socialize with.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not sure where the SAHM assumption came from. I actually work full time. And I do feel like my time with my kids is limited, but for me, this isn't about whether I'm with my kids or my friends. I typically put the kids to bed BEFORE I go out.

I'm not talking about late nights out either. We're usually home by 11. We always ask the sitter if she needs to be up early and needs us to come home by a certain time and she just laughs at us because she knows we never last late. Too old for that!

For the posters asking whatever happened to friends over for dinner and game night - I'm not talking about a night out partying. It's usually a casual dinner and sometimes a movie or a play. I'd LOVE for it to be games and dinner at each other's houses like we used to do before kids, but when I invite friends here it's always the issue of the sitter and I can't exactly invite myself over there.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are a being a bit dense. Yes, they are complaining but they are doing so to make conversation. They aren't actually burdened by this issue and know very well how to hire a sitter. They are choosing not to. Or they do, and they just don't tell you about it as they don't wish to hang out with you or with any couple in their free time.

[Anonymous]

to 8:46- not going on an expensive date night equals divorce? a $10 bottle of wine, long conversation, and some great sex does the trick in our house!

OP, when I am missing out on "kid-free" time w/ my girlfriend, we'll often go over each other's houses for a glass of wine after out kids go to bed, while our spouse stays home. This doesn't work for couples to get together, but I can unwind with a friend and catch up for a couple hours.

[Anonymous]

Our problem isn't spending the money, it's finding good sitters and then getting the kids used to the sitters, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not sure where the SAHM assumption came from. I actually work full time. And I do feel like my time with my kids is limited, but for me, this isn't about whether I'm with my kids or my friends. I typically put the kids to bed BEFORE I go out.

I'm not talking about late nights out either. We're usually home by 11.

No one was assuming that you are a SAHM but if you want to meet up for a late dinner/drinks with other couples then you will have more luck if the other mom is a SAHM not a working mom.

[Anonymous]

OP: try doing some moms' nights. The dads stay home with the kids, the moms go out (even if it is just to each other's home to watch a DVD and eat munchies). I do this a few times a year with my girlfriends and it is so good for the soul. And I get more heart-to-heart conversation in than when the husbands are around.

IF the kids are all compatible, have your friends bring their kids to your house. Feed them, put them to bed (or in front of a movie, or in the playroom with board games, depending on the ages of the kids), then have your adult couples time. This works better with some families than with others. Sometimes it means I am the main referee for hours on end, which is not relaxing. But when it works, it can be even better than going out to eat.

two scenarios that don't require your friends to hire babysitters. Although if your parenting styles are so different that you are comfortable with babysitters and they are not, the friendship might not endure through parenthood anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: try doing some moms' nights. The dads stay home with the kids, the moms go out (even if it is just to each other's home to watch a DVD and eat munchies). I do this a few times a year with my girlfriends and it is so good for the soul. And I get more heart-to-heart conversation in than when the husbands are around.

IF the kids are all compatible, have your friends bring their kids to your house. Feed them, put them to bed (or in front of a movie, or in the playroom with board games, depending on the ages of the kids), then have your adult couples time. This works better with some families than with others. Sometimes it means I am the main referee for hours on end, which is not relaxing. But when it works, it can be even better than going out to eat.

two scenarios that don't require your friends to hire babysitters. Although if your parenting styles are so different that you are comfortable with babysitters and they are not, the friendship might not endure through parenthood anyhow.[/quote]

OP here. You may have hit the nail on the head about why this bugs me. It's not just different parenting styles. It's different lifestyles.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to find some childless friends to add to your friend mix. We do game nights all the time, but only with our childless friends. They come over at 7-7:30, we put kiddo to bed, and then we have a fun night of drinking and games or whatever. It's nice because we don't sit around and talk about baby stuff all night like we do with our friends who have kids. The one problem is that it's hard to get them to leave. I have to practically fall asleep on the couch to get them to go because they don't quite get the parent lifestyle.

But I really do think this is a good solution. I don't want to go to someone else's house and hang out for hours on end while I fret about how much it costs or whether my baby is going to wake up and freak out. Hopefully, our friends with kids understand this and don't feel resentment toward us.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand people who never want to do ANYTHING without their kids.

[Anonymous]

OP is frustrated because her friends complain about not being able to go out, yet they won't get a sitter -- that would get on my nerves, too! There's probably some underlying smugness on the part of the friends who are subtly suggesting that they love their kids too much to get a sitter (the implication being that those who get sitters don't love their kids) -- that would get on my nerves, as well.

I get you OP!