Anyone else graduated college directionless and with no social network?

[Anonymous]

I have family with autism and the poster who suspected this is the case gave a lot of useful advice. Also BPD can co-exist.

As others have said, focus on getting therapy and a good health provider, don't get street drugs, exercise, build your social skills, and focus on career counseling to figure out what best suits you. You are lucky to have family that can support you with housing and healthcare and paying for your education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Your therapist cannot diagnose you with anything. You need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist who does evaluations, tell them what the therapist said, and seek a formal evaluation, then go from there if they find something. The reason I say this is that the therapist could be way off. You could have autism, for example. From the way you write, it's a definite possibility.

2. People with mental health disorders have a harder time of it, OP. You have to be resilient and persevere. My college freshman has autism, ADHD and low processing speed. He has no friends in high school and has so far made none in college. Despite my explanations and exhortations, he has no clue how to make friends or network. This is going to hurt him in both his professional and private life!

3. STOP BLAMING OTHERS. This is the most unpleasant trait of many people with mental health disorders. My son hasn't done it very much so far, because he's young and was born with a very sweet nature, but I've noticed it in many others, including my husband, who is also on the spectrum. No, it's not the fault of others. Since you probably have some neurodivergence, I don't even want to say it's your "fault". It just IS, you have to live with yourself, try to improve, and find joy and fulfillment in your life.

4. Force yourself to get out of your basement, stay off the worst parts of the internet and volunteer for others who have more troubles than you. The people with mental issues who isolate themselves end up developing extreme views and hurting others or themselves. Don't be that person.

5. Best of luck.

OP here. This is really interesting. If you don't mind me asking, what about my writing suggests autism to you?

PP you replied to. It's a combination of the following:
1. Tendency to catastrophize, ie, overreact. People with autism don't have an innate sense of what a proportional emotional response should be, so they either under or overreact. Your post uses exaggerated language.

2. Long post with lots of extraneous details. People with autism usually also have executive functioning issues (ADHD) and find it hard to triage and distinguish salient points from minor details (and in life generally, may find it hard to organize themselves and function optimally).

3. As PP said, inability to present someone else's point of view. It's true that teens can be incredibly self-centered, but you're a young adult and should know by now that presenting a situation to strangers should generally include a diversity of viewpoints so they can better understand it. People with autism have a hard time putting themselves in other people's shoes, because they do not understand nonverbal cues, hints and implicit messaging. They can only work with what they've been explicitly told, or what they see other people do. It makes them miss out on a lot of sensitive or delicate matters that people might prefer to suggest instead of explain, in the workplace or privately; and it prevents them from predicting important moves, such as layoffs or romantic break-ups, because they cannot take hints. They can feel blindsided and thus resentful.

4. If you're so asocial and disconnected that you do not have access to other people's opinions, then that in itself is a red flag, since the classic presentation of autism is an asocial one, with a inability to make or retain friends. It's rare to have no friends at all. Usually those people are on the autism spectrum.

Reading this list, you'll see that these notions work together. A person with ASD might end up with good reason to catastrophize, if they've frequently experienced being blindsided because they're unable to fully understand subtle social cues. They might end up reflexively blaming everyone but themselves. And they do.

This was a very thoughtful and balanced response. I would guess that the writer is an expert on Autism on some level. Thanks for sharing your insight, it was helpful to me as well. (Another poster)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Your therapist cannot diagnose you with anything. You need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist who does evaluations, tell them what the therapist said, and seek a formal evaluation, then go from there if they find something. The reason I say this is that the therapist could be way off. You could have autism, for example. From the way you write, it's a definite possibility.

2. People with mental health disorders have a harder time of it, OP. You have to be resilient and persevere. My college freshman has autism, ADHD and low processing speed. He has no friends in high school and has so far made none in college. Despite my explanations and exhortations, he has no clue how to make friends or network. This is going to hurt him in both his professional and private life!

3. STOP BLAMING OTHERS. This is the most unpleasant trait of many people with mental health disorders. My son hasn't done it very much so far, because he's young and was born with a very sweet nature, but I've noticed it in many others, including my husband, who is also on the spectrum. No, it's not the fault of others. Since you probably have some neurodivergence, I don't even want to say it's your "fault". It just IS, you have to live with yourself, try to improve, and find joy and fulfillment in your life.

4. Force yourself to get out of your basement, stay off the worst parts of the internet and volunteer for others who have more troubles than you. The people with mental issues who isolate themselves end up developing extreme views and hurting others or themselves. Don't be that person.

5. Best of luck.

OP here. This is really interesting. If you don't mind me asking, what about my writing suggests autism to you?

NP here. I also suspected high-functioning autism from your post. The tip off for me was how self-centered and self-absorbed your post seemed. Me, me, me. I, I, I. One long post about you, and nothing about how other people have helped you or how you can use your education to help others or serve the world.

A lack of empathy and an intense self-focus is often a sign of autism. Or a personality disorder. Or, in your case, most likely both.

I grow up in a collective thinking culture, let me just say this me me me thinking is way better suited for living in the states.

There's a lot of undiagnosed Asperger's and Autism in Asian culture.
Asian emphasis on book learning and de-emphasis on personal social development helps mask the problem too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Your therapist cannot diagnose you with anything. You need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist who does evaluations, tell them what the therapist said, and seek a formal evaluation, then go from there if they find something. The reason I say this is that the therapist could be way off. You could have autism, for example. From the way you write, it's a definite possibility.

2. People with mental health disorders have a harder time of it, OP. You have to be resilient and persevere. My college freshman has autism, ADHD and low processing speed. He has no friends in high school and has so far made none in college. Despite my explanations and exhortations, he has no clue how to make friends or network. This is going to hurt him in both his professional and private life!

3. STOP BLAMING OTHERS. This is the most unpleasant trait of many people with mental health disorders. My son hasn't done it very much so far, because he's young and was born with a very sweet nature, but I've noticed it in many others, including my husband, who is also on the spectrum. No, it's not the fault of others. Since you probably have some neurodivergence, I don't even want to say it's your "fault". It just IS, you have to live with yourself, try to improve, and find joy and fulfillment in your life.

4. Force yourself to get out of your basement, stay off the worst parts of the internet and volunteer for others who have more troubles than you. The people with mental issues who isolate themselves end up developing extreme views and hurting others or themselves. Don't be that person.

5. Best of luck.

OP here. This is really interesting. If you don't mind me asking, what about my writing suggests autism to you?

NP here. I also suspected high-functioning autism from your post. The tip off for me was how self-centered and self-absorbed your post seemed. Me, me, me. I, I, I. One long post about you, and nothing about how other people have helped you or how you can use your education to help others or serve the world.

A lack of empathy and an intense self-focus is often a sign of autism. Or a personality disorder. Or, in your case, most likely both.

I grow up in a collective thinking culture, let me just say this me me me thinking is way better suited for living in the states.

There's a lot of undiagnosed Asperger's and Autism in Asian culture.
Asian emphasis on book learning and de-emphasis on personal social development helps mask the problem too.

What makes you say that?

[Anonymous]

OP, find something that takes you out of your own head and out of the narrow, self-focused lens you are viewing everything through. Go volunteer, join Big Brothers, teach, backpack around Southeast Asia. Get out of the basement. Take a break from haphazardly sending out resumes. Acknowledge that CS is not your path forward and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Your therapist cannot diagnose you with anything. You need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist who does evaluations, tell them what the therapist said, and seek a formal evaluation, then go from there if they find something. The reason I say this is that the therapist could be way off. You could have autism, for example. From the way you write, it's a definite possibility.

2. People with mental health disorders have a harder time of it, OP. You have to be resilient and persevere. My college freshman has autism, ADHD and low processing speed. He has no friends in high school and has so far made none in college. Despite my explanations and exhortations, he has no clue how to make friends or network. This is going to hurt him in both his professional and private life!

3. STOP BLAMING OTHERS. This is the most unpleasant trait of many people with mental health disorders. My son hasn't done it very much so far, because he's young and was born with a very sweet nature, but I've noticed it in many others, including my husband, who is also on the spectrum. No, it's not the fault of others. Since you probably have some neurodivergence, I don't even want to say it's your "fault". It just IS, you have to live with yourself, try to improve, and find joy and fulfillment in your life.

4. Force yourself to get out of your basement, stay off the worst parts of the internet and volunteer for others who have more troubles than you. The people with mental issues who isolate themselves end up developing extreme views and hurting others or themselves. Don't be that person.

5. Best of luck.

OP here. This is really interesting. If you don't mind me asking, what about my writing suggests autism to you?

NP here. I also suspected high-functioning autism from your post. The tip off for me was how self-centered and self-absorbed your post seemed. Me, me, me. I, I, I. One long post about you, and nothing about how other people have helped you or how you can use your education to help others or serve the world.

A lack of empathy and an intense self-focus is often a sign of autism. Or a personality disorder. Or, in your case, most likely both.

I grow up in a collective thinking culture, let me just say this me me me thinking is way better suited for living in the states.

There's a lot of undiagnosed Asperger's and Autism in Asian culture.
Asian emphasis on book learning and de-emphasis on personal social development helps mask the problem too.

What makes you say that?

Because Autism and Aspberger's has a very small representation in China? i.e. it's not diagnosed nor recognized widely.
Bipolarity, dyslexia, schizophrenia... none of it is widely understood. The child or adult person is simply lazy and not working hard enough.

[Anonymous]

If you’re in the DMV, apply for a job as a patent examiner at the USPTO. They are often hiring entry level CS majors. Do it for a few years and if you don’t like it there are good private sector/legal jobs you could transition to.

[Anonymous]

Seek a therapy practice that offers DBT for BPD and find a counselor/therapist who has experience with BPD. Sounds like you want to have a friend group, get any job and start being nice to people. Get on a dating app and meet someone and hang out. Go to a meet up or join a gym, rec team, class and put yourself out there.

[Anonymous]

You got a lot of good advice here re mental health. In terms of career, you might be a good match for patent or IP law. You would probably do well on the LSAT. Maybe just do something fun for a year or so and apply to law school.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the responses but I wanted to encourage you to use your degree to your advantage as leverage for many jobs. I have a CS degree and enjoyed my career for the first 10 years until I slowly didn’t because it required long hours (I was a tech lead/ architect and in management) plus I had to keep up with new technology in my limited free time. I transitioned out to govt consulting in IT groups, offering a variety of assignments. You can also try for entry level jobs in data analytics, social media, and requirements/ systems analysis. Take a 9-5 job and plan extracurricular for a few times a week. Sport leagues and meetups.

You got this OP!!

[Anonymous]

CS degree from semi-prestige flagship U
Female (diversity in CS)
Wealthy doctor parents
No student debt?
Resume has summer internship(s)

This isn't adding up. You're very privileged and it's not difficult for you to get a $75,000 remote job.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t have the mental health issues you do, but the rest of your story was me 10 years ago. (I know that the mental health issues are making things more challenging so I don’t say that to minimize your experience but more to say I didn’t have that aspect to manage.

I found a CS job after graduation, just to support myself. I knew going in that I wasnt going to like it, but it allowed me to support myself, have some money for fun, and didn’t leave large gaps on my resume. I spent my free time volunteering in different fields and exploring careers that I would like better. I transitioned to a new field and was able to leverage the volunteering for references and experience in my new field. It will take some work and being productive in your free time, but you can do it, OP. I feel strongly that anyone can switch careers to different fields. You just have to stitch a story together that makes sense to people. It doesn’t even have to be totally true but needs to make sense to interviewers etc wondering why you’re looking for X jobs with Y background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about national service programs, like AmeriCorps/AmeriCorps Vista? They don’t pay a lot, but I think they give a small stipend plus a lump sum at the end that can be used for educational purposes.

Something like that could give you time to figure out what you want to do, while helping others in the community.

This is a solid suggestion. We host AmeriCorps volunteers and are open to hiring them if they do a good job (public health). They often form friendships with the other volunteers that lead to lifelong social networks and marriages. They usually love the experience and often leverage it into a career, or at the least learn team building, resilience and coping skills. Peace Corps could be another transformative option. Great resume builders too. The alum networks for these programs are powerful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a vision for your life. Don’t think in terms of passions or qualifications, but rather, what is the world missing or need more of that that I can contribute towards? Get outside of yourself and find a way to help people/the world. I’m not talking about volunteering, but a life direction that has meaning for you. Once you have an idea, do informational interviews with alumni in that area. Read about it. Take any role related to it. Throw yourself at it. Magic will happen.

Same poster here. From your background, it’s obvious that you are smart and a hard worker. CS is hard enough to get through if you’re motivated, but you did it while unmotivated! Your lack of proactiveness at your internship just reflected your apathy toward CS, not you. Once you find something that means something to you, you will work hard and be productive.

Love this post. OP you just need to get out there and follow the signposts of what you are drawn to, they will lead you. I'll also add this:

[Anonymous]

History is the best indicator of future behavior. It sounds like poor social skills and inability to form friendships have been a lifelong problem for you. I have this to a degree and have ultimately just accepted that I'm never going to have many friends and the effort it takes to make friendships is just not worth it for me. You can either choose to really work on your social skills or gain confidence in being a more independent person who does not need much from others. I have connections from work and was able to find a partner with worse social skills than my own but has other positive attributes.

You need to forge a separate path from your immigrant parents. Obviously, computer science isn't for you. Find a decent paying job that allows you to be independent that you actually enjoy.

People do respond to vibes that you put off and you are putting off a lot of woe is me energy. Figure out how you can infuse some joy into your life.