Anyone else graduated college directionless and with no social network?
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Anonymous
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I’m currently a senior at a “prestigious” state flagship (think UVA, UMich, Berkeley, etc). My time at college has been pretty miserable, and I don’t have anything to show for it.
I graduated high school in May of 2020. High school was a bad experience; I moved in the middle of high school from the DMV to the Mountain West, and I made no friends at my new school during my junior and senior years of high school. During March of my senior year of high school, the pandemic hit. I was relieved that things like prom and graduation and senior week were cancelled because I had zero friends to do any of those things with. I don’t talk to anyone from high school, or from my childhood at all for that matter. My freshman year of college started in September of 2020. It was entirely online. I was in my parents’ house the whole time and took remote classes. Not fun. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I came to my college's campus for the first time. As soon as I hit campus, I rushed a sorority because my older sister went to the same big state school I went to and had a very positive experience in a sorority. But I neglected to consider that my sister and I are very different people — she’s much more of a conventional “sorority” girl than me. I dropped my sorority at the end of my sophomore year because I was a terrible fit for Greek Life. None of those girls continued to talk to me afterwards. My junior year of college started in September of 2022. I got in a serious relationship with a wonderful guy who dumped me at the end of the year because I “have a lot of baggage” and am “too alienated and disconnected to be joyful around.” I’m really sad about this because this guy was a really emotionally intelligence and caring guy. I also spent all of my (very limited free time) around my ex-boyfriend and his friends, and when he dumped me this past May, I was left with no social life or close relationships. This past September was the beginning of senior year of college. I was abroad this past fall, which I really enjoyed, but it didn’t lead to any permanent friendships or relationships (my abroad program had very few American college students and I spent most of my time with Europeans and the locals which I thoroughly enjoyed). Technically, this is my last semester of college, but I graduated back in December because I had enough AP credits to graduate a semester early. I've been at home since Christmas, and I haven't talked to anyone from college in the meantime. I really grinded my sophomore and junior years of college in a difficult major I had absolutely zero interest in (Computer Science), which I was only able to complete thanks to a cocktail of Adderall and Vyvanse I bought from a dealer (I don’t have ADHD but I have some inattentive ADHD tendencies). I hate CS and programming, but my parents forced me to pick a “lucrative” major. I hated the idea of pre-med, and I didn’t want to do Business/Econ/Finance (my sister was in the business school at my college and works in consulting, and I know I wouldn’t fit into that culture at all or find the work interesting), so I just chose CS because it seemed like my only option (even though I loathe STEM). While I somewhat resent my parents for forcing me to choose among a limited set of majors, I understand why they’d do this — they grew up below the poverty line in dying industrial New England towns and were among the few people from their rural hometowns to make it out. This past summer, I interned at a tech company as a software engineer that paid me pretty well (the company is maybe one step down from a FAANG in terms of prestige). However, I didn’t get a return offer because my manager told me that I didn’t take initiative and could only complete my deliverables when micromanaged. I don’t disagree with this — my apathy for all things CS-related really just made me jaded towards the whole internship and I definitely slacked off. I've been at home living in my parents' basement for the past three months, essentially just sending blank applications for post-grad jobs into the void. I've sent over a hundred so far, but to no response. I have no friends from college or high school who can vouch for me. My parents are doctors, so they can't really help me out either. I feel like I have no way to really get an "in" into any job. I don't even know what type of job I'd want in the near future -- I hate CS/tech/STEM, but it seems like all I'm really qualified for. I feel abandoned by everyone in my life. My parents, teachers, and professors all told me that "a degree in CS from Berkeley/UVA/UMich is worth its weight in gold," but I feel extremely disconnected from whatever is supposed to make me happy in my twenties. I ran cross country and rowed crew in high school, which taught me how to endure painful situations and keep pushing myself past my limits. I adopted this mindset with me in college as well -- it was the only way to get through a difficult degree at a big, competitive flagship where I had no friends. But maybe I'm at my limit when it comes to enduring and pushing. I feel really disconnected from everything. Even my therapist dumped me, saying that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and telling me that I need to find a therapist who specializes in BPD. I don't know. Maybe this site can tell me to suck it up and get my shit together. Maybe you guys can tell me that I should do more introspective navel-gazing. I don't know. I'm so lost. I feel like I'm drowning. |
Anonymous
| I was like this and went to law school so I could get a redo at internships and new grad hiring, but the key was not taking debt so I went to a good regional school that offered a full scholarship. |
Anonymous
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You have a unique voice and sound like a character in a movie. Could you be a writer, or create something driven by your life and perspective?
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Anonymous
Anonymous
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Tech is a brutal field right now. I know people who were laid off after years of working and can't find anything after almost a year.
Please go back to therapy and find someone specializing in BPD. You need to build your network and gain confidence. Put yourself out there to make friends and take initiative. You are young and you have a lot ahead of you. You have many options with a CS degree from a good school. Network and go on LinkedIn and message people, talk to your career services, reach out to alumni and ask them to take 30 minutes to chat with you on Zoom. Get a career coach and have them advise you on resumes and interviewing. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| OP here. If anyone else has advice I'd appreciate it. Thanks |
Anonymous
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Stop blaming other people
Practice gratitude, not entitlement In ohio, a mom left her 2 year old alone in a pack and play to go on vacation for 10 days. Child died of starvation. Your parents are housing you, supported you through a college degree. My advice? Go take any work you can find (babysitting, barista, home depot boxer, grocery cashier), give half of your first paycheck to your parents. Apply at night for jobs. |
Anonymous
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Go find some job with your CS degree maybe near your parents home if they will let you stay. This is a job strictly to earn money. Save all you can for a few years.
I know it will suck but it's a means to an end. I don't know what that end is but while you're working you are going to use your spare time to figure that out. Research all you can about other career paths while you are saving (maybe your college's career center can help, they have interest tests and things of that sort) Maybe your interests involve more schooling, you can pay for them with money you are saving. Try to involved yourself in activities that look interesting, maybe your schools alumni center does volunteer work or something like that. Keeping yourself social is part of the deal. So you aren't like your sister, well nows the time to find out what kind of people and situations you do like. None of these have to be forever, just you figuring yourself out. At the end of a few years (set a deadline) gather up your money saved and your interests and figure out where you go from here in your life. You are very young still. I've known people who were gung ho about what they studied in college and still had to do this whole process I'm suggesting to you as they hated their careers once they started working. |
Anonymous
| Does your school have a job board or a networking site or offer mentors? I’d start there. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you go to medical school? |
Anonymous
+1. Grad school can be a reboot or provide career direction. Don't do law if it doesn't interest you, but if it does, a CS degree + JD can be a powerful combo. That said, you have to address the other stuff or you won't succeed in a career. You need a therapist, a hobby you enjoy, and a new group of friends (possibly through that hobby). |
Anonymous
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What about national service programs, like AmeriCorps/AmeriCorps Vista? They don’t pay a lot, but I think they give a small stipend plus a lump sum at the end that can be used for educational purposes.
Something like that could give you time to figure out what you want to do, while helping others in the community. |
Anonymous
| If you enjoyed Europe maybe try moving there and doing a grad program there. |
Anonymous
So unhelpful and ridiculous. |
Anonymous
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OP, I just wanted to say that there are a lot of doctors in my family. IME they are VERY unsympathetic wrt job loss, unemployment, trying to find a job, etc. They just dont get it. At all. Their job security is immense and they've never had to hustle to keep their careers going. They can be really arrogant, unsympathetic, and obnoxious.
If that fits your parents, try not to let them get your down too much. I think you need to get a JOB. Like, working at Starbucks or a grocery store or something. You can continue looking for a better job while doing that. You need to get out of the house and start earning money. Go pound the pavement. Go door to door at businesses and ask to apply for jobs. |