Please help me not hate my adult stepson

[Anonymous]

(OP here, so sorry about autocorrect typos galore!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepson sound just like this. In and out of rehab, reckless driving, parents competed for his attention and he was spoiled. I am separated from DH mainly for this reason. His inability to prioritize the financial stability of the ACTUAL CHILD who is living at home over the desires of the adult man was a huge argument in our marriage and eventually I knew that if I wanted financial freedom, I couldn't be legally bound to a man who was so ready to drop any financial goal to bail his wayward son out.

OP, wow, your post is pretty much my worst fear, that this will break us up. That DH's guilt about his first son will poison his relationship with his 2nd. We had an argument not long ago about prioritizing his baby CHILD over his grown adult child...basically DSS asked (actually ASKED this, can you imagine?!?) whether the new baby would mean that he wouldn't get all of his dadMs life insurance. Seriously. So DH says yes, it would be split between you, wife, and baby equally. After he left, I was livid - first of all, that wasn't what we agreed to when we married and bought our house. We agreed we'd be each other's sole beneficiary with the stipulation that is pay for DSS's education if DH died. I was like, wait, you have an INFANT who can't support himself for 18 more years. Why would your adult son get the same amount as a completely dependent infant? And DH said he knew it was wrong but he worried his older son would hate his baby brother if the baby "got more money". I'm like, if you died, it's not like the BABY would buy a new car and take himself to Disney World! That would pay for diapers, food, mortgage, etc! Anyway, he said he didn't actually change the beneficiary but now my trust is eroding to the point where I wonder if he did!

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, does he live rent free with mom?
I recently lived with my parents rent free for a couple years to save money. I took home 4000 a month. I bought my own food and easily saved 2000 a month without even trying, but usually saved 2500 to 3200. It does not cost that much to live if all you have to pay is food and phone (did not have a car).
There is something wrong with this picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a dedicated, committed, caring father. I love that about him. We started dating when his son was in high school and I loved how much time my DH spent on homework with him and making the effort to see him every single day, if only for 20 minutes but usually for dinner, every single day even when he was with his mom. We're married now and have a new baby while my SD is 21.

The catch is that my DH is a total pushover for his son, who manipulates and guilts him into giving him money constantly. Even though it was DH's ex who wanted a divorce when DSS was 22, DH has always felt miserable and guilty about having only part time custody during those years, and he and his ex had a v amicable divorce on the surface but engaged in a dangerous cold war arms race for DS's affections during the teen years. Dad gets an iPod tmTouch, Mom gets an iPad, that kind of thing. DSS never says thank you for anything. We are not at all wealthy (in fact, I married my DH's lingering credit card debts from 1st marriage which we're aggressively trying to pay down) but we bought him a brand new MacBook Pro for HS graduation and got no thanks. We paid tuition, room & board for 1 semester at college, which he blew off completely by partying & failed every class. We paid for a vocational program which he blew off. Now we're paying for as other trade program which could be great, but I worry he'll blow off too. He's living with his mom and makes about $3 grand a month under the table bartending, but he still asks to borrow money regularly and never even attempts to pay back the last time.

Our baby, his baby brother, was born earlier this year. I knew it would be a hard adjustment for him, because he's used to being the center of attention. But it's been even worse than I imagined. The baby had to have heart surgery a day after delivery and spent a month in the NICU. During that time, he stopped by the hospital only once, to borrow money. He asked to move in for a month while his mon was between apartments, and we said yes, with the requirement that he pay is $300 rent and take care of all the yard work that month, since we were so busy with the baby. He mowed half of the lawn once, broke the mower by running it with no oil, and said he couldn't help take the mower to the repair shop because it might dirty the SUV his mom gave him, so my DH spent the day after we got horn from the nICU wrestling a mower into out car and taking it in. No other attempt to help in the yard was ever made. He held his little brother a few times...basically when I asked him in front of other's and he was too embarrassed to say no, but otherwise he's shown no interest and of course hadn't helped at all.

Strangely enough, he and I are unfailingly polite to each other. When he was in HS, I tried hard to reach out and love him in small ways, mostly listening as he'd talk about relationship problems, but we barely speak now. I made the mistake of looking at his FB wall one day when he failed to log off my laptop after using it, and I found pics from our wedding which he captioned "Fat Whore", "Dad's Tubby Hubby", etc. It really hurt - I'm indisputably fat, but I had never been anything but kind to him. He's happy to borrow my car or crash in my house, but gleefully disses me behind my back. Which, fine, whatever, I can be the evil stepmom in his eyes, but it's the disrespect toward his dad that hurts because his dad loves him so much.

3 months ago, he got his second reckless driving ticket in a year. The week before his court date, he asked us to borrow $$$ for a lawyer. Mind you, we don't have a lot of money. Like, a few grand in emergency savings, period. We budget every month and every dollar has a job. So finding $2900 on short notice was really hard. The agreement was he'd come by 1x/wk to give us $250/week. It's about 1/3 of his income but he has no expenses at home with his mom. But when the day came, he left a VM that he was really sick and stuck at home b/c he didn't want to get his brother sick. But I saw on FB that night that he was at the beach partying. He hadn't tried to reschedule.

My DH and I fight about this all the time. I want to know when he's coming to pay us back and he doesn't want a confrontation...that is, he'll do anything to avoid confronting his son, but he'll yell at me. My DH works really hard in a tough, blue collar job. dSS has absolutely no appreciation for how hard it is for us to save the money that he blows off.
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This is a novel but I guess I'll end saying that I know I could be angry with my DH for being such a pushover and for trying to kick Lucy's ball every time his son asks for something. I lost my dad at 23, and I'd give anything to have him back, and he didn't do 1/3 of what my DH does for DSS. Part of why I am growing to hate him is remembering how I was with my own Dad these years. How do I be civil to such an ungrateful, spoiled brat?

Welcome to step-parent hell. You are fighting a losing battle with your stepson who is not a child anymore but an adult and knows exactly what he is doing. Instead, try focusing on your new baby who does need lots of attention.

Your stepson needs to grow up (with DH's help). And you need to set up some financial boundaries or stepson will milk you dry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. His fb comments alone are so hurtful. Obviously his dad is parenting from guilt, which is such a self-indulgent emotion. It certainly isn't good for your stepson, but I don't know how/if you'll be able to change their dynamic. Counseling, maybe, to help you and DH get on the same page about him? The only thing I don't really get about your post is that you seem to expect your stepson to show interest and affection toward your new baby. I don't know that I'd expect that from a person his age - yeah, it would be nice if he wanted to hold your baby, etc but I wouldn't really be disappointed if he didn't. Young adults are notoriously self-centered and that's ok, it's part of growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, does he live rent free with mom?
I recently lived with my parents rent free for a couple years to save money. I took home 4000 a month. I bought my own food and easily saved 2000 a month without even trying, but usually saved 2500 to 3200. It does not cost that much to live if all you have to pay is food and phone (did not have a car).
There is something wrong with this picture.

Yep, stepson lives rent free with mom. She also bought his car, pays his car insurance, car taxes, and cell phone. We pt his health insurance. If he had any sense of responsibility, he could be saving HUGE money. Instead, he's blowing everything. He goes to concerts nearly every weekend, hosts big tailgate parties, gets tattoos, goes on vacations, buys $300 sunglasses, goes out to meals a lot. It's pretty easy to blow it all if you don't need to save any.

Last year he brought up the idea of moving in with us and I actually overstepped and answered immediately that he could live with us if he was a full time student and contributed chores to the household or if he was working full time and would out at least half of his income into savings. He makes enough to get a place to share with buddies but I said we would be happy to help him if he were saving for a goal like going back to college. He was like, what!!? You guys have to pay if I go back to college! You always said you'd pay for college! (His father did say that.) so I suggested maybe he's want to save for a car (why? Mom bought me one!) or some other goal, but he wasn't having it. I was just the evil stepmom who was making him feel unwelcome to move back home. And that, frankly, I don't mind being. If he's not a student or saving money, he IS unwelcome here. I'm not going to disrupt my household to enable his partying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. His fb comments alone are so hurtful. Obviously his dad is parenting from guilt, which is such a self-indulgent emotion. It certainly isn't good for your stepson, but I don't know how/if you'll be able to change their dynamic. Counseling, maybe, to help you and DH get on the same page about him? The only thing I don't really get about your post is that you seem to expect your stepson to show interest and affection toward your new baby. I don't know that I'd expect that from a person his age - yeah, it would be nice if he wanted to hold your baby, etc but I wouldn't really be disappointed if he didn't. Young adults are notoriously self-centered and that's ok, it's part of growing up.

OP here, thanks for the empathy and kindness. And yeah, I definitely had sown unrealistic hopes about the baby. Just hopes that he thought a little brother might be cute and cool. Even had the tiny insane hope that being a big brother to someone else might mature him. I even bought a couple of cute onesies like, "Handsome like my big brother!" just so he's know I was thinking of him too and including him in new baby stuff, not just my kid. I thought with him living here just as the baby was coming home, he might even get a little attached, or feel protective. But I'm not surprised he didn't. I do feel for him...it's hard to be your dad's whole world and then have your dad start loving a new person. And now have your dad have a whole new child!!!! If he asntnsuch an entitled jerk, my heart would kinda be breaking for him, because it's hard to be so old and be faced with the reality that you're not te center is everyone's world. It's rough for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really need to pick your battles here. What, exactly, is the problem? He doesn't hold his baby brother? So what? I get the feeling that if he did, that would be a big problem for you anyway (the germs!). He doesn't pull his weight. Okay. That's really his dad's problem though, isn't it?

What irks you the most, and what is your problem? You have a newborn. Concentrate on what is your real problem right now. Because I can't imagine writing this post with a newborn to care for.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is your husband. Until DH realizes he's doing (or he's done) a disservice to his man-child, you'll never have peace. I think a kid that age can easily be a lazy flake about mowing the lawn or failing classes, but mooching off parents and step-parents for large amounts of money? That will never end until someone makes him stand - or fall - on his own.

[Anonymous]

Your step son is not yet an adult and still needs his dad. Sounds like you want him to grow up and move on, but that is not happening. Yourhusband will still need to spend time with him even though the baby is here. Most young men are not interested in babies or infants. There is not a lot to see when a baby is in nicu. Just accept it. First born had the father first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your step son is not yet an adult and still needs his dad. Sounds like you want him to grow up and move on, but that is not happening. Yourhusband will still need to spend time with him even though the baby is here. Most young men are not interested in babies or infants. There is not a lot to see when a baby is in nicu. Just accept it. First born had the father first

OP here. My stepson IS an adult, albeit an immature, young adult. I agree he needs his dad, and both my DH and I have gone out of our way to invite him to dinners and other visits as well as clear my DH's schedule so they can do things 1-1 without me. Literally without a single exception (except when he came home to sleep here for one month), my DSS has not come over one time just to have a meal or do something. If he turned up, it was for money.

I don't get your comment about first born. So what? Are you implying that gives him a lifetime's free pass to cash in on his father's guilt for his first wife leaving him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to pick your battles here. What, exactly, is the problem? He doesn't hold his baby brother? So what? I get the feeling that if he did, that would be a big problem for you anyway (the germs!). He doesn't pull his weight. Okay. That's really his dad's problem though, isn't it?

What irks you the most, and what is your problem? You have a newborn. Concentrate on what is your real problem right now. Because I can't imagine writing this post with a newborn to care for.

I typed this post on my phone last night as I was rocking my sleeping baby, hoping that venting my anger anonymously would help me let go of it a little so I would not carry it with me into another day with my baby and husband.

Why irks me the most is that a fully capable, fully fit adult with no expenses at all and a good income keeps mooching off his hardworking dad for money to party or clean up his irresponsible messes, like reckless driving. I realize my DH is enabling him by never following through when tries to say no and faces his son's cold shoulder, but it's my stepson's ingratitude and unkindness to his father that makes me most angry. I don't care if the kid's biggest hobby is not playing with a baby, but when your little brother is having heart surgery, you can be arsed to make it to the hospital to see if you can help or show concern. It's what decent people do for family, and I expect better from someone who has been raised by a parent who has shown such dedication.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your stepson resents you and the baby. In my opinion, those are two perfectly logical and natural reactions. I would feel the same way if my parents divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, you get baggage in second marriages, and there really is not much you can do about it but try to live with it. The stepson is obviously troubled and should not be enabled, however, your husband is his father. Think about how you feel about your child. That's how your DH feels about his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to pick your battles here. What, exactly, is the problem? He doesn't hold his baby brother? So what? I get the feeling that if he did, that would be a big problem for you anyway (the germs!). He doesn't pull his weight. Okay. That's really his dad's problem though, isn't it?

What irks you the most, and what is your problem? You have a newborn. Concentrate on what is your real problem right now. Because I can't imagine writing this post with a newborn to care for.

I typed this post on my phone last night as I was rocking my sleeping baby, hoping that venting my anger anonymously would help me let go of it a little so I would not carry it with me into another day with my baby and husband.

Why irks me the most is that a fully capable, fully fit adult with no expenses at all and a good income keeps mooching off his hardworking dad for money to party or clean up his irresponsible messes, like reckless driving. I realize my DH is enabling him by never following through when tries to say no and faces his son's cold shoulder, but it's my stepson's ingratitude and unkindness to his father that makes me most angry. I don't care if the kid's biggest hobby is not playing with a baby, but when your little brother is having heart surgery, you can be arsed to make it to the hospital to see if you can help or show concern. It's what decent people do for family, and I expect better from someone who has been raised by a parent who has shown such dedication.

Maybe you should stop expecting "decency" at this time from immature stepson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your stepson resents you and the baby. In my opinion, those are two perfectly logical and natural reactions. I would feel the same way if my parents divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, you get baggage in second marriages, and there really is not much you can do about it but try to live with it. The stepson is obviously troubled and should not be enabled, however, your husband is his father. Think about how you feel about your child. That's how your DH feels about his child.

He does resent us, and I do have empathy for that emotion. I would have had a really, really hard time if my dad had gotten remarried and had a baby after I was grown. That really is pretty much the only thing keeping me cordial and making me at least give overtures of welcome to him. I also have empathy for the fact that he was raised to be this entitled. It's not his fault that his parents competed for him by seeing who could spoil him more. And having a hurt baby in the hospital does make me better understand the impulse to never, ever want your kid to be in any kind of pain or discomfort. Seeing how much having everything given to him has crippled this kid emotionally, though, makes me even more determined to try not to absorb every bump or stress in my kid's life. I do have a better understanding of why it's so hard to say no, though.