Please help me not hate my adult stepson

[Anonymous]

It's sad that your husband doesn't love his son enough to be firm and to stop raising a spoiled brat. Your stepson is going to be in big trouble when his parents are dead and he has to learn how to take care of himself.

[Anonymous]

14:56 She can't set limits unless they're the same as her husband's. This is one complicated triangle. OP, counseling for yourself is a great start. Good luck. How's your baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your stepson resents you and the baby. In my opinion, those are two perfectly logical and natural reactions. I would feel the same way if my parents divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, you get baggage in second marriages, and there really is not much you can do about it but try to live with it. The stepson is obviously troubled and should not be enabled, however, your husband is his father. Think about how you feel about your child. That's how your DH feels about his child.

+1. You picked a man with baggage. And given what your dh parents like, your baby will likely end up like his older half brother. You chose poorly.

[Anonymous]

That was way to long to actually. Even though I didn't bother to read it, I'm going to help you anyway.

Don't hate him. It takes too much time and too much of your energy and too much of your positive energy and focus. It's ironic but those whom we hate in some strange way are able to continue to exerting power and control over us to a certain degree.

Not for him, but for yourself, avoid him if you can, but let the hate go.

[Anonymous]

Feel free to hate him, he deserves it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your stepson resents you and the baby. In my opinion, those are two perfectly logical and natural reactions. I would feel the same way if my parents divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, you get baggage in second marriages, and there really is not much you can do about it but try to live with it. The stepson is obviously troubled and should not be enabled, however, your husband is his father. Think about how you feel about your child. That's how your DH feels about his child.

+1. You picked a man with baggage. And given what your dh parents like, your baby will likely end up like his older half brother. You chose poorly.

You are an asshole. I am not an OP, and yes, I am my DHs first and only wife.

Btw, I don't see what this has to do with love. Most parents love their children to death yet come nowhere close to tolerating behavior of the kind OP describes.

[Anonymous]

OP here, yes, I married a man with baggage. At first, I saw only his great parenting qualities, and he has many. The greatest was tha after his ex left him, she moved to a town 20 miles away. While they were waiting for their marital home to sell (it took 3 years and was seriously underwater, he would come home from a commute in the opposite direction and then head straight over to his ex's new place to have dinner with his son before she came home from work, do homework, take him to practice, etc. I haven't dated many divorced dads, but I've never known one who literally went so far out of his way to see his kid on non-custodial days. He is a really caring, really devoted dad. Just lacks a backbone when faces with his kid's rejection.

It wasn't until late high school when he had 50/50 custody that the ping-pong emotional manipulation became evident. DH really did try to set firm expectations, but his ex did not and DSS would just go back to his mom's when DH would pull the tough love card. They had never been officially adversarial in the divorce and it seemed too late to try to officially change the custody order (and I don't think a judge would go for "one parent spoils the kid more than the other" as a reason to make a 16 year old go where he doesn't want to go. So a dynamic was created. And I guess I just kept thinking it was temporary...like, once DSS graduated high school, once we're married, once he goes off to college and gets more mature, etc etc etc...I hoped he'd change. And I keep hoping my DH will finally stop kicking Lucy's football and just walk away from the game. Not from his son, but from the game of playing one parent against the other.

Reading reactions here makes it all the more obvious that I'm a fool to count on either of them changing. I don't think it was crazy of me to think a 16 year old would mature in 5 years, but he seems to have gotten worse. (Perhaps because
I'm in the picture so his dad's attention has a whole new significance.)

[Anonymous]

Op your husband spoils him because he feel incredibly guilty about the prior divorce, an probably the crappy mom his son has. Maybe one solution would be to see of you can get him (dh) to go see a therapist and work through some of that guilt. If he can forgive himself and see himself as the great dad he is, he may gain more confidence in his parenting and learn to care for his son in a healthier way.

[Anonymous]

Great parenting. His son is a n'ee do we'll. very foolish to blame mom. Your husband has made it abundantly clear that he is a huge part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your stepson resents you and the baby. In my opinion, those are two perfectly logical and natural reactions. I would feel the same way if my parents divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, you get baggage in second marriages, and there really is not much you can do about it but try to live with it. The stepson is obviously troubled and should not be enabled, however, your husband is his father. Think about how you feel about your child. That's how your DH feels about his child.

+1. You picked a man with baggage. And given what your dh parents like, your baby will likely end up like his older half brother. You chose poorly.

You are an asshole. I am not an OP, and yes, I am my DHs first and only wife.

Btw, I don't see what this has to do with love. Most parents love their children to death yet come nowhere close to tolerating behavior of the kind OP describes.

+1
And age has a TON to do with this- this grown man is exhibiting the "natural behavior" of a child who has parents divorcing/remarrying......at some point when you are a child of divorce you have to just deal with the fact that your parents are going to need to live their own lives, as you have the right to live yours at 22!

This isn't a step-mommy situation, he's 22 and this woman came into his life when he was 17. Having been there, yes feelings are real, but at some point coddling a petulant 22 year old is only hurting him

[Anonymous]

Stepdaughter was the major cause of our divorce! It sucks, unfortunately people are so child centric it makes it difficult to validate your feelings as the "evil stepmother". Forget being about being perceived as the villain, you are the horrible person in the first kids life and that may never change.
Make you wishes clearly known to your husband. He is free to have a relationship with his son, but given the level of disrespect (FB post, destruction of property, and the never ending money train he thinks of his father) you need to focus on your marriage and your new baby.
I support you and wish you the best.
Step kids are tough, and you got a rotten one

[Anonymous]

Op, a lot of people are giving great advice. I just want to add (and emphasize) that you need to talk to your DH about the money issue. If you both are really strapped for cash, then your DH needs to see that. You could take over finances (give DH an allowance on what he could spend on all things - including his DS), you could have separate finances - and let him handle his half any way he likes.

The other thing I think you should point out to your DH is that if he is really worried that his son will stop visiting if DH stops giving him money, then he needs to realize he's paying for company. And that's what whores are for. Explain to him that he's basically paying someone to give him attention. And that he needs to take a step back and decide if that's the kind of relationship he wants with his son. And if it is - you both decide what the hourly rate will be - $50/hour for each visit? $100/day? what? because honestly, that's all it is - a business transaction for his son.

[Anonymous]

OP, you know why you have a problem now? Same reason as to why you are overweight. You just cannot get angry and "spit it out". You keep "swallowing" insults directed at you.
Think about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes, I married a man with baggage. At first, I saw only his great parenting qualities, and he has many. The greatest was tha after his ex left him, she moved to a town 20 miles away. While they were waiting for their marital home to sell (it took 3 years and was seriously underwater, he would come home from a commute in the opposite direction and then head straight over to his ex's new place to have dinner with his son before she came home from work, do homework, take him to practice, etc. I haven't dated many divorced dads, but I've never known one who literally went so far out of his way to see his kid on non-custodial days. He is a really caring, really devoted dad. Just lacks a backbone when faces with his kid's rejection.

It wasn't until late high school when he had 50/50 custody that the ping-pong emotional manipulation became evident. DH really did try to set firm expectations, but his ex did not and DSS would just go back to his mom's when DH would pull the tough love card. They had never been officially adversarial in the divorce and it seemed too late to try to officially change the custody order (and I don't think a judge would go for "one parent spoils the kid more than the other" as a reason to make a 16 year old go where he doesn't want to go. So a dynamic was created. And I guess I just kept thinking it was temporary...like, once DSS graduated high school, once we're married, once he goes off to college and gets more mature, etc etc etc...I hoped he'd change. And I keep hoping my DH will finally stop kicking Lucy's football and just walk away from the game. Not from his son, but from the game of playing one parent against the other.

Reading reactions here makes it all the more obvious that I'm a fool to count on either of them changing. I don't think it was crazy of me to think a 16 year old would mature in 5 years, but he seems to have gotten worse. (Perhaps because
I'm in the picture so his dad's attention has a whole new significance.)

Hope is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am really grateful that so many people posted such thoughtful and supportive replies. (Even when support was a bit of a kick in the ass, which I need.)

I'm sorry to say that things aren't any better right now. I took about a week and did not bring up my stepson to DH at all, not even once, just to have a week of peace with my baby and new husband. And it actually was really nice. But then DSS stopped by without calling to pick something up from storage in our basement, and left $40 cash toward the loan, and that led me to ask DH about setting up a more firm and definitive repayment schedule, which within 5 minutes led to DH shutting down and not speaking to me for now two days. Which really sucks in general, and sucks even more when you have an infant to care for.

Obviously, this is really a problem between me and DH and how we communicate (or don't, at least not functionally, when it comes to my stepson) but I feel like I'm really hitting the wall here.

Anyway, I don't know what my timeline is for doing anything about this -- most days, I just function getting by with work and trying to enjoy this beautiful baby - but at some point I have to try to either fix this or make a change. I did not sign up for the silent treatment, and I know it's not healthy for a child to grow up with conflict like this. I'm just so, so sad and tired.