Please help me not hate my adult stepson
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Anonymous
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My husband is a dedicated, committed, caring father. I love that about him. We started dating when his son was in high school and I loved how much time my DH spent on homework with him and making the effort to see him every single day, if only for 20 minutes but usually for dinner, every single day even when he was with his mom. We're married now and have a new baby while my SD is 21.
The catch is that my DH is a total pushover for his son, who manipulates and guilts him into giving him money constantly. Even though it was DH's ex who wanted a divorce when DSS was 22, DH has always felt miserable and guilty about having only part time custody during those years, and he and his ex had a v amicable divorce on the surface but engaged in a dangerous cold war arms race for DS's affections during the teen years. Dad gets an iPod tmTouch, Mom gets an iPad, that kind of thing. DSS never says thank you for anything. We are not at all wealthy (in fact, I married my DH's lingering credit card debts from 1st marriage which we're aggressively trying to pay down) but we bought him a brand new MacBook Pro for HS graduation and got no thanks. We paid tuition, room & board for 1 semester at college, which he blew off completely by partying & failed every class. We paid for a vocational program which he blew off. Now we're paying for as other trade program which could be great, but I worry he'll blow off too. He's living with his mom and makes about $3 grand a month under the table bartending, but he still asks to borrow money regularly and never even attempts to pay back the last time. Our baby, his baby brother, was born earlier this year. I knew it would be a hard adjustment for him, because he's used to being the center of attention. But it's been even worse than I imagined. The baby had to have heart surgery a day after delivery and spent a month in the NICU. During that time, he stopped by the hospital only once, to borrow money. He asked to move in for a month while his mon was between apartments, and we said yes, with the requirement that he pay is $300 rent and take care of all the yard work that month, since we were so busy with the baby. He mowed half of the lawn once, broke the mower by running it with no oil, and said he couldn't help take the mower to the repair shop because it might dirty the SUV his mom gave him, so my DH spent the day after we got horn from the nICU wrestling a mower into out car and taking it in. No other attempt to help in the yard was ever made. He held his little brother a few times...basically when I asked him in front of other's and he was too embarrassed to say no, but otherwise he's shown no interest and of course hadn't helped at all. Strangely enough, he and I are unfailingly polite to each other. When he was in HS, I tried hard to reach out and love him in small ways, mostly listening as he'd talk about relationship problems, but we barely speak now. I made the mistake of looking at his FB wall one day when he failed to log off my laptop after using it, and I found pics from our wedding which he captioned "Fat Whore", "Dad's Tubby Hubby", etc. It really hurt - I'm indisputably fat, but I had never been anything but kind to him. He's happy to borrow my car or crash in my house, but gleefully disses me behind my back. Which, fine, whatever, I can be the evil stepmom in his eyes, but it's the disrespect toward his dad that hurts because his dad loves him so much. 3 months ago, he got his second reckless driving ticket in a year. The week before his court date, he asked us to borrow $$$ for a lawyer. Mind you, we don't have a lot of money. Like, a few grand in emergency savings, period. We budget every month and every dollar has a job. So finding $2900 on short notice was really hard. The agreement was he'd come by 1x/wk to give us $250/week. It's about 1/3 of his income but he has no expenses at home with his mom. But when the day came, he left a VM that he was really sick and stuck at home b/c he didn't want to get his brother sick. But I saw on FB that night that he was at the beach partying. He hadn't tried to reschedule. My DH and I fight about this all the time. I want to know when he's coming to pay us back and he doesn't want a confrontation...that is, he'll do anything to avoid confronting his son, but he'll yell at me. My DH works really hard in a tough, blue collar job. dSS has absolutely no appreciation for how hard it is for us to save the money that he blows off. I This is a novel but I guess I'll end saying that I know I could be angry with my DH for being such a pushover and for trying to kick Lucy's ball every time his son asks for something. I lost my dad at 23, and I'd give anything to have him back, and he didn't do 1/3 of what my DH does for DSS. Part of why I am growing to hate him is remembering how I was with my own Dad these years. How do I be civil to such an ungrateful, spoiled brat? |
Anonymous
| Sorry for all the typos...typing on phone while rocking baby. Fact typo correction: DSS was 12 when DH and Ex split. |
Anonymous
| your stepson does not make 3k a month bar tending |
Anonymous
Well, let's just say he makes 3K a month, and he works 5 shifts a week as a bartender. He says he makes anywhere from $100-200 a shift, occasionally more on weekends. He could be found something shadier for money, I guess. That never occurred! It seemed reasonable to me, but I was a foolishly big tipper when I used to drink! |
Anonymous
| You will never get any money from this kid. You cannot make him love his baby brother. You can go to counseling. I would not recommend asking him to go to counseling at this point in time. |
Anonymous
Funny, that's the first thing that jumped out in the post to me too. Where are bartenders making $3k/month? Maybe ones who are selling their customers something else on the side. |
Anonymous
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So sorry you're dealing with this. I'm usually on the "evil stepmother" side of things, but you seem really great.
I'd say nothing will change unless your DH shows him some tough love. Sorry 
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Anonymous
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He might make $3k as a bartender - my friend's boyfriend makes $75k as a waiter at a nice restaurant in this area.
OP, this is like the ultimate cop-out but you and your family need an impartial counselor. Someone who can help your DH set boundaries with his oldest child; who can give you reasonable expectations; and who can even work with your stepson on his interactions. |
Anonymous
| My stepson sound just like this. In and out of rehab, reckless driving, parents competed for his attention and he was spoiled. I am separated from DH mainly for this reason. His inability to prioritize the financial stability of the ACTUAL CHILD who is living at home over the desires of the adult man was a huge argument in our marriage and eventually I knew that if I wanted financial freedom, I couldn't be legally bound to a man who was so ready to drop any financial goal to bail his wayward son out. |
Anonymous
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He could definitely be making $3k monthly as a bartender.
No advice here, so sorry to hear you are struggling. Try not to hate him, life is long, he may mature and you are married to his dad- the father of your dc. |
Anonymous
| I think you need to find a way to set up emergency savings that is an account with your name only. Do you have a job? |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to separate "being kind" from "giving someone everything they ask for."
You can kindly say, the next time he asks for money, "Sorry honey. I wish I could help, but after having to pay to fix the mower and scrounge together money for your lawyer, we don't have any spare money to give. But hey, I wish you the best of luck in finding a solution." Stop paying for things for that boy. Stop giving him money. Do not lay out money for anything. Do not accept his promise to pay you back. He will never pay you back. By the way, this will not go over well with him. He will throw a man-temper tantrum. When he does, you smile sadly at his lame attempts to manipulate you, and say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Well, take care. I'll walk you out. Bye bye now." and then you close the door. |
Anonymous
Why was it so urgent to take the mower in immediately? |
Anonymous
OP here. I do have a job. And I do have a small savings in my name only. We budget together as a couple and consider the savings ours both, though. I actually created a category in our budget for $100 a month of [Stepson] Emergency Fund money knowing he'd be hitting us up for $ and that it would fester in my heart that he wasn't paying us back, so I just wrote off this $1200 in my mind, though we can scarcely afford it. But he's blown through that. DH and I have been married just over a year, and the only thing we have seriously fought about is this. And the weird thing is, one of the reasons I want our marriage to succeed so much is that my DSS has no successful marriages in his life...every single grandparent, aunt, uncle, and even his mom's remarriage have all ended in divorce. I know the mom's 2nd marriage broke up largely over conflicts about the son...he brags that he broke them up, and sadly it seems that he pretty much did. He moves back home the month his stepdad moved out, and hasn't left except for the unpleasant month he spent with us. I should clarify that my DH did really try hard to discipline DSS in high school, give him some structure and stability. He lived with each parentb 50/50. But every time he'd get his iPhone taken away or get grounded with Dad, he's just go stay with his mom and refuse to come back. That's what he still does now when DH reminds him about money, etc...he just doesn't return calls or come visit for weeks. So when he finally does visit, my DH doesn't want to make it unpleasant by bringing up the debt. He plays him perfectly! Just has DH felt guilty about the divorce, I really think he feels guilty about having another baby now and is working overtime to make sure DSS is not jealous. So DSS parlayed that into another loan! PP's above are right that I should just try to come to peace with never seeing any of that money. But I fantasize about getting DSS alone and saying, "I love your dad too much to show him your Instagram pics from when you were supposedly sick. You don't deserve a father who is so decent to you after how much you have hurt him. Grow the fuck up and show some decency to your father." That would probably just result in him not seeing us for even longer and then hitting up his heartbroken dad for more guilt money in a Few months, though. Thanks so much to everyone for your kind responses. I was afraid I'd get walloped here---probably rightfully for enabling my DH's enabling, at the very least -- but I appreciate the kindness more than I can say. |
Anonymous
Good question.  You picked up on a bone of contention at the time! The lawn hadn't been mowed in weeks because we were busy with baby in the NICU and DSS kept dying he'd mow it. I was all for asking the next door neighbor boy to mow for $20, but my DH was mortified to ask a neighbor boy to do what his son living with us had said gems do. I was actually pretty hurt and mad that the mower trip happened when it did, but in a weird way I think it was DH protecting his son...he thought his son would be embarrassed by us paying another kid to mow our lawn. Sadly, I don't think DSS cared or even really noticed.
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