Please help me not hate my adult stepson
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Anonymous
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OP, I posted upthread. I work 70 hours a week to afford basics like food, childcare and housing. Meanwhile DH pays no child support, but just bought his ADULT "child" a used car.
You mistook your DH's attachment to his son to be good parenting. In reality, it is just evidence that he is addicted to the drama of a manipulative relationship. REAL parenting is about respect, hard work and self-denial. Your husband has demonstrated none of those towards either of his children. Don't hate your stepson; hate his father. |
Anonymous
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OP I am a very responsible adult and am also a stepchild. My dad remarried 10 years ago and it was hard. I find my SM and dad to be incredibly selfish and I think this is more typical. You sound like a really nice person and are probably concerned about the stereotype. Having kids of my own now, I can understand how it would be hard to love someone as much your own kids. I know I couldn't.
The fundamental problem is that your DSS uses money as a proxy for love. He hasn't grown up and your husband has been an enabler out of guilt. If your husband won't establish boundaries then you need to do so. I would say something like when we decided to have a child I expected that you would be fully committed. This means we need to provide shelter, daycare, food, car, etc which comes to 4k a month. We also need to save for retirement and college which comes to 1k per month. We have 1k left over. Let's come up with a fair number that can be used for personal things ( clothes, electronics) or if you want to give this money to your son than great but no more than this. I personally think that you married a leech. |
Anonymous
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The title "Help me not hate my stepson" caught my attention. My SS is 31. 4 yrs ago he got a DUI, reckless driving and lost his firefighting job. Moved back in with us when we'd been married only 3 yrs. 7 now. It was the most miserable 2 years of my marriage. SS finally moved out, moved back in a couple months, then moved out, then back for 2 weeks and finally out since last June 2014. He rents a bonus room in someones house and is an EMT. He comes to spend the night all the time. One night turns into 3 almost every week. My husband encourages it because he feels sorry for him. When is an adult male too old for sleepovers? I don't want to go home when he's there. He's arrogant and entitled, and acts like it's his dad's house and not mine too. Can't really say anything to my husband. I know it's unhealthy, but that's how it is. I fanticize about my own place when SS comes over.
signed, miserable |
Anonymous
A good bartender at a good place can make a lot more than 3K a month. |
Anonymous
I know- that's $36K a year, hardly a king's ransom. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry you're going through this, OP! You, your husband, and your baby all deserve better. Talk to your DH more (and go to counseling) to try to come to a compromise on how much help you two will give DSS. It will be more than you want, but less than what you are doing now. It will be more that what your DSS deserves, but this isn't ever going to be a fair situation where people get what they deserve. Just come to an agreement on what money and support DSS will get from you guys and stick to it. Expect nothing else from him (not kindness, not repayment, not love for your son). Just give him what you have agreed to give him and try to deal with him as little as possible beyond that. It sucks, but that's the only way you can get free of DSS' toxicity for now. GL! |
Anonymous
| You need marriage counseling b/c it's not going to resolve itself. |
Anonymous
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My husband is a step dad to my irresponsible grown son. It was hard. My son manipulated me, only called when he wanted money, had a run in with assault charges, which were dropped after paying lawyers. My son stinks a lot of the time. But I still want him to be okay.
But here's the thing. I thought this was a phase, and that my son will grow up. I wasn't trying not to support my spouse. I was trying to have everyone be able to come out of this and stand up straight. However, I am saying no most of the time, and letting him experience the consequences of his decisions. I do not let my spouse deal with him any more. My son is a grown man, and my spouse doesn't like who he is. It's hard on me, my son's dad died when he was seven. I worked so much I was barely home. So yes, I have guilt. Yes, I compensate for that guilt. I have to believe it will all end up as it should, and my son is the captain of his own ship. It's hard to watch. |
Anonymous
| I know this is an old post but if anyone reads it, none of these parents are being "good" parents. Good parents help their children grow up and take responsibility for their lives. Bailing children out over and over does nothing to help them learn and grow. Life is hard. For everyone. You learn not to do certain things by facing the consequences. When parents keep their children from experiencing the consequences of their actions, they rob them from growing up. The parents do it for their own well being--they don't want to watch their child suffer or struggle. they put their own mental well being above their child's own. I know some cases are more complicated but children learn what they live. Kids learn early what works and what doesn't. Kids who continue to manipulate parents as young adults do it because it works. That's the lesson their parents taught them. Again, I know that some have real personality disorders that go deeper but most haven't had to grow up because no one has made them. |
Anonymous
| Make sure you stay employed. Have your own savings account. Frankly, both your DH & stepson are going to continue to be dysfunctional train wrecks. You just worry about yourself and the baby. KEEP YOUR $ SEPARATE. |
Anonymous
| This thread is almost a year and a half old. Look at the original date. Hopefully, OP has found some sort of peace in her blended family. |