Do the elderly always end up alone?

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about this alot now that I'm firmly middle-aged and about to have an empty nest (that's a whole other level of grief). As kids go on to college and their lives, and families spread out, do the elderly always end up alone?

I just fear being in this big house (not mcmansion big but big for only 1-2 pple) with just spouse and I? And when/if one passes, the other being her alone. It's the "family home" and we are all sentimental about it. The idea of downsizing or selling as we age is painful. The idea of some sort of tiny apt in an AL situation makes me want to be sick after the "glory days" of raising a family with a yard, and a bit of green space, and pets, and BBQs, and Birthday Parties.

Also, as we get older, how do we stay social and connected once we are alone and/or people start dying around us? To keep mobile and mentally "with it"?

It seems that growing old in this country is such a sad, lonely affair. And with it looming for me in the upcoming decades, I am growing more anxious and scared for what lies in front of me. And knowing my best days are potentially behind me.

Can anyone offer perspective? Cheer me up?

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the human condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the human condition.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Not in The Villages. Lol, a friend’s mother is living there and her behavior is like that of a 16-year-old. Her social life is amazing but embarrassing and ridiculous at the same time. It’s really nuts. But she is the opposite of alone.

[Anonymous]

If you have adult children with whom you have a good relationship I think living near them would be helpful. I wish my parents or in-laws were open to that (cost is a barrier for in-laws.m).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in The Villages. Lol, a friend’s mother is living there and her behavior is like that of a 16-year-old. Her social life is amazing but embarrassing and ridiculous at the same time. It’s really nuts. But she is the opposite of alone.

I've heard a similar story recently about a friend's dad who passed out after his doctor gave him viagra. His wife passed last year and he has a new GF and is almost 90.

Unfortunately, I think these stories are the exception and not the norm. I see lots of lonely elderly living alone and seemingly very sad. Some have no kids. Some have kids nowhere in the vicinity. Even with local ones, it seems it's a chore for them to care for their parents. And it makes me so sad.

For my elderly neighbors, we talk, invite over, bring food, etc. but it's not really a replacement for family support.

[Anonymous]

My DH’s grandfather was well loved by the whole extended family and there was a line of family willing to take care of him (he lived with one of his daughters who is my DH’s mother). The grandfather raised the large family by himself. He was generous and helpful: took care of the veg garden and sharing veg with neighbors and friends, active socially always walking around, watched my DH after school when he was young. This extended family situation imo is ideal, but seems so rare nowadays. The adult child can look after the elderly parent—make sure they don’t fall for any scams, and take care of them; the elderly keep an eye out for grandkids, everyone is emotionally nourished.

Contrast that with now. My father actively told me that his retirement state has bad schools (ie, don’t move close to him). He said he did his part in raising me and my sibling, and he wants no hand in dealing with his grandkids. Now that he’s older, he has done a 180 and trying to say there are private schools in his state. Too late, we are already settled in our new home, and he’s unwilling to move. Many in the boomer generation are so selfish. Anyways I think that’s why you see many so isolated.

Of course if the elderly have severe medical issues like dementia, that’s a different matter and they need AL.

Not too late to bring back traditional values for the next generation.

[Anonymous]

We live with my elderly mother in a multigenerational home. It is, of course, stressful and difficult at times. But it would be much more stressful for me knowing that she is all alone somewhere. She helped me raise our kids and I am eternally grateful. The saddest thing with old people is that all their friends and relatives die, so they are lonely, even when the younger generation is close by. But we are here to keep her company and keep her safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in The Villages. Lol, a friend’s mother is living there and her behavior is like that of a 16-year-old. Her social life is amazing but embarrassing and ridiculous at the same time. It’s really nuts. But she is the opposite of alone.

Is she happy and safe? Many elderly people revert to childish behaviors regardless of where they end up. I would love for my mom to move somewhere where she could have a great social life.

[Anonymous]

I had your same fear as you at your age and now I’m old. As you know the life stages come along organically. Are you fearful of change? If you have made it this far in life you will be fine. For me there was a period of time between kids launching and becoming a grandparent that provided huge growth for me.Sold the big old barn we raised kids in and bought a place that I (ME, like no consideration for schools or anything I spent a lifetime having to consider!). A little secret, life gets better than you could ever imagine. Have a pity party and mourn your past life and get on with the best years of your life.

[Anonymous]

When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

[Anonymous]

I think we all need to evolve and adapt to some degree as we age.

My parents made it clear that they would move near one of us to be close to their grandkids. They ultimately moved near me and it was such a gift. When they were still able, they helped with childcare, cooking, and other minor things, and when they got sick we took care of them. After dad passed away my mom kept herself busy. She attended a local church and forged new friendships. She was also an avid user of social media and kept in touch with old friends and relatives that way.

My mom was unafraid of change and also had the emotional resiliency to adapt. I see others not faring as well when they dwell on feeling sorry for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My mother-in-law is very similar. I think she relished her independence until medical conditions made it harder to drive and to take care of her home. Moving into independent living, with friends and activities at the ready, has been a really good change. I'd rather make the move a year or two too early than be stuck in a home that I can't take care of (and enjoy!) properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment.

My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house. She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored. I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom. My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around. I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us. Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me. I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had your same fear as you at your age and now I’m old. As you know the life stages come along organically. Are you fearful of change? If you have made it this far in life you will be fine. For me there was a period of time between kids launching and becoming a grandparent that provided huge growth for me.Sold the big old barn we raised kids in and bought a place that I (ME, like no consideration for schools or anything I spent a lifetime having to consider!). A little secret, life gets better than you could ever imagine. Have a pity party and mourn your past life and get on with the best years of your life.

I love this approach and perspective.