Need advice dealing with angry, bitter wife.

[Anonymous]

I am at my wits end. Let me first say that I love my wife. We have three kids together and have been together for almost 20 years. We have two young children and a college bound daughter.

When my wife was pregnant with the second child, her personality began to change. Her moods went from loving sweet to bitter, paranoid and lots of anger. I wrote it off as normal pregnancy mood swings. By the 9th month I wasn’t sure our marriage was going to make it. She was continually threatening to divorce me. Her bitter moods and anger continued until about the time she stopped breast feeding and then things slowly got better. A year and a half later we had one more. During that pregnancy, things started to get bad again. I told her that she needed to see the doctor about her mood swings. She got very angry with me insisting that it was ALL me. I found out later she did go to the doctor and got medication but she said she wasn’t taking it out of fear of harming the baby. Maybe she did, I really don’t know. Things weren’t as bad as the previous pregnancy and we persevered. Fast forward three years later.

My wife is like two different people. One I know and love and one so mean, bitter and angry it actually scares me. I never know who is going to walk through the door. Some days I actually shutter and begin to shake when the mean/angry/bitter one comes home. It seems to be stress driven, whether from work or the children. She has a hard time dealing with the challenges of two young kids. Everything gets channeled to me in the form of anger, bitterness and being really mean.

I honestly feel that she has a chemical imbalance. I have mentioning this to her and she gets defensive and angry. She accuses me of playing head games with her and insist that I am the problem.

Our college bound daughter is also caught up in this and sees everything I do. She thinks her mom is bipolar. They fight constantly to the point our daughter will lock herself in her room sobbing. My wife has told our daughter numerous times during her mean episodes that she doesn’t love her. I feel like I can take the abuse but our daughter has a much harder time. She gets so mean it is hard to describe. This is tearing me to pieces. I love my children dearly and have a great relationship with all of them. We have a nice house and are financially secure. A few days ago, out of the blue my wife started a fight and then accused me of some horrible stuff. I got really mad and yelled back (I have a hard time keeping everything bottled up). Now my wife is insisting on a divorce. She is obviously not happy. She refuses to accept that she has something medically wrong with her. Even with all of this I still love her. We have been through a lot and I want to save the marriage. Even though things are bad, the thought of breaking up the family and the hurt it would cause to the children hurts me so bad I am willing to do whatever I have to do to save the marriage. But some days, I just want to cry.

How do I get my wife to seek medical treatment?

[Anonymous]

She may love you or not, want out or not.

But what seems certain is that she needs help to overcome whatever she has and that you need help dealing with her. Don't try to do this alone.

Have you talked to your family or hers about this? Friends of hers she could listen to? How is her work going? Your wife needs to hear this from somebody outside her nuclear family. You might consider an intervention.

Good luck. It will take time, so hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Your post could have described me, at times, minus the telling my children I don't love them. I think your wife is depressed, not "chemically imbalanced." I have suffered from depression for years, and it was worsened post-partum. I can recommend someone if you are interested.

[Anonymous]

First of all let me say that my heart goes out to you - I know how tough this can be and feel for you. I am an adult daughter who has dealt with this type of behaviour from my Mother almost my entire life. Maybe not as severe as your wife but there are a lot if similiarities. And to this day my Mom does not feel that she is at fault, that she is mean/angry/bitter/nasty and that it is all my fault or my Dad's. She is really nasty to my Dad and I'm convinced she hates his guts - he is too (after 45 years of marriage).

Through the years I have begged my Mom to get help, take meds, see a therapists and she refuses - she says she is not crazy. My Dad and I have tried to have a serious family discussion about her behaviour towards us and she accuses us of ganging up on her and refuses to seek help. So, the only thing I can do is seek help by going to see a therapists and learn how to deal with her. When I was your oldest daughters age, I too remember hysterically crying in my room becuase of the things that she said to me. I truly feel for all of you.

Your situation is different becuase you have three children in the mix and need to help them deal with this. I can tell you from experience your children will deal with this their entire life - they will remember how she treated them and the things that she says - I do. If your wife's attitude doesn't improve and she continues this well into your children's life, it will cause major conflict and anxiety for everyone involved - it still is in my family. It tears my Dad apart to see how she treats me - he ignores her actions towards him but he HATES how she treats me. And to this day it causes me major anxiety and stress.

My suggestions to you: 1) Intervention - maybe ask her family, your family, her best friend and your oldest to sit down as a group. Before you do this, I would consult with a therapist to see the best way to do this and things to say. Sometimes it even helps to have an interventionalist there. 2) if that doesn't work - ask your wife to go to counseling with you to discuss, 3) offer counseling to the kids - trust me this will eat them up, 4) you take care of yourself and get therapy and learn ways to deal and diffuse the situation and 4) if you all share the same primary care physician go and talk to him/her about the situation. Maybe next time she is there he/she can ask certain questions to encourage her to talk about whatever is bothering her and they can prescibe medication and/or therapy to her.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. I know how hard it is not to totally lose it - sometimes impossible. It can be very, very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Are you in individual therapy? Before I got to the paragraph about your older daughter, I thought this sounded like possible bipolar disorder. What bothers me most about your post is reading that your wife tells your daughter she doesn't love her. That is verbal abuse. Bad marriages are between the parents. This is a serious family issue. Get to a therapist. Your daughter should see a therapist too. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

All of the above. Get support and therapy for all of you (or those who will agree to go), and try to get your GP to get your wife on meds. Mine has a way of coming up with reasons for why you need certain meds that don't have to go down the "yes you actually are crazy" path. We are employing that strategy right now for my DH with a severe anxiety issue he will not acknowledge.

I am so sorry. I feel for ALL of you, but especially you and your children. I want to give your oldest daughter a big hug or wave a magic wand and make it all go away for her. Hopefully the little ones will benefit if your wife can change - soon.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, big time. Sort out if it's a medical issue or if you need to divorce. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post could have described me, at times, minus the telling my children I don't love them. I think your wife is depressed, not "chemically imbalanced." I have suffered from depression for years, and it was worsened post-partum. I can recommend someone if you are interested.

Depression IS a chemical imbalance. It might not help to describe it that way to the wife, because when OP says "chemical imbalance," OP's wife may be hearing "you are unbalanced (meaning crazy)," not exactly the message that is going to get one into therapy.

OP. I have been here. I have some recommendations -- 1) visit www.bpso.org and sign up for the listserv and look at other information about bipolar on there. 2) Also, you and your daughter should consider taking the course "Family to Family" which is offered by the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, specifically for family members who have a loved one with mental illness. 3) Buy Xavier Amador's book "I'm not Sick, I Don't Need Help," which can help you think about more productive ways to talk with your wife about getting help and Francis Mondimore's book on Bipolar is really helpful if you think it really is bipolar, and 4) find and consult your own PhD pyschologist who specializes in mood disorders. Tell him/her about your wife and her anger and your relationship and seek help -- both help for yourself in deciding how to manage and help in sorting out what is likely bothering your wife and how to get her help. I don't recommend "couples counseling" or "family counseling" for a couple/family where one person likely has a mood disorder; it is counterproductive. When the ill person participates in couples or family counseling but they remain unmedicated, they really don't have the kind of rational thought process necessary to profit from couples/family therapy. BUT, you can set an example for your wife by saying, "we don't seem to have a happy relationship now, and I love you and am getting help for my self to try and do my part to set our relationship back on track." Your daughter could likely need an outlet with a professional who can explain to her about general depression/post partum depression and bipolar depression and help your daughter separate and disconnect from the nasty behavior your wife is exhibiting and understand that it is the illness talking, although the NAMI course or support group could serve this purpose as well.

Does your wife have other symptoms? Is she going to sleep and getting up at regular hours? Does she have periods of increased energy/task orientation? How is your sex life? Does she have some periods of increased sexuality and others where she withdraws? You mentioned paranoia, how is she exhibiting this? Does she have periods of poor impulse control (increased spending, overdrafts, purchases, big plans, etc.) Is she delusional at all? Delusional doesn't have to be "I see Jesus" but it can be a milder form of not really fully in touch with reality.

Bipolar depression needs periods of mania and depression, although the mania can often be dysphoric instead of euphoric. It is important to differentiate between general depression and bipolar depression. That is because general depression is treated with anti-depressants which can often worsen bipolar depression, which is better treated with a mood stabilizer (like lithium or depakote). Although, there is some evidence now which suggests that those with repeated episodes of depression but no mania, may also benefit from a mood stabilizer.

Agree with a PP who suggested that a wise doc may be able to get your wife to take a med by describing an alternate use (like prescribing the mood stabilizer "seroquel" to help with sleep instead of saying you need to take the seroquel because you have a mental illness). GPs are generally NOT very well qualified to treat and diagnose serious mood disorders, so I would exercise a great deal of oversight if you are encouraging the GP to deal with this ....

[Anonymous]

Cut the losses for yourself and your children and think hard about giving her that divorce. By your account, this has been going on for most of your marriage. Is this how you want to spend your remaining days on the planet? And, is enabling your wife's chronic bad behavior even the best thing for her? Whoever it was who said you should get some individual counseling was spot on. You aren't thinking straight about all this yourself. Spend a little time thinking about that instead of whether your wife is bipolar. Two lulu's are NOT better than one.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Research divorce good and hard before deciding that's the best option. Divorce doesn't solve problems like this. It creates a new set of them, especially with young children. (I'm divorced.) See a lawyer if you have to, for information gathering on custody etc.

Is your wife getting enough sleep? Sleep deprivation can bring on psychosis.

Is there anything you can do to help your wife cope with the younger children? Do you have a housekeeper? Does your wife handle meals? If so, can you help there, offer to order takeout or have prepared meals delivered to the home. Can you use a laundry service?

Also, are things worse before her period? I know several women who become different women because of PMS. Pretty close to psychotic.

Good luck. Talk to your daughter. Make sure she knows you love her, and remind her that people say things they don't mean when they're upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Also, are things worse before her period? I know several women who become different women because of PMS. Pretty close to psychotic.

I'm a PP, and I agree this could also possibly be a contributing factor. In my mid-40s (and post-DH's vasectomy) I have had to go on birth control pills - the ones where you never get your period. Every month I became suicidal. It took awhile to figure it out. I'm not the only one who has had significant hormonal mood issues in her 40s; a couple of my friends have as well.

I don't know if that is a factor or not, or whether it is all of it if it is a factor, but it's worth having a doctor think about, too.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Also do not ask your wife about her period, observe. She might get defensive. If you think there's a connection, have a doctor or therapist address the matter.

[Anonymous]

Suggest to her that you both go to see a medical doctor separately to get evaluated for any medical problems that might be causing her behavior. She's likely to be more accepting if you suggest that you both get a checkup. Hopefully the doctor could advise on further treatment, medication or therapy/counselling. It sounds like she is lucky to have you, a supportive DH who loves her and wants to stand by her despite her difficulties. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP's wife here: First, I need everyone to be aware that there is always two sides to every story.

You must be aware that my husband does not contribute nearly as much as I'd like to raising our children. Recently, within the past 5 days, he is contributing more, but merely because he is scare of the 'D'. If he finds that I am happy again - then he'll stop contributing. We've been through this before.

As well, you must know the history and why I have given up. For example of his behavior - the first time I was pregnant, one month before having the baby I had to paint the hand-me-down dresser we received. My second pregnancy, just 4 years ago - I had to buy, bring home and put together the dresser while I was 7 months pregnant. I did ask for help, but he said I bought the dresser (not already put together) so I had to put it together. These are just some examples of his type of behavior. I feel like with every child, I do 90%. My husband stays in his basement/workshop from the time he gets home until he goes to bed around 10:30pm. My husband never picks up the children's toys, nor around the house. My husband very rarely interacts with the children. I put it off as perhaps the way he was raised.

My husband loves dogs and he has ALWAYS paid more attention to our dogs than our kids. All I ask is for a husband that will help with teaching the children to ride a bike or read or do educational games, etc. I feel like since I am doing it all on my own anyway, then I might as well be on my own.

Now, for my oldest daughter, whom I love dearly and I feel I was the one who really raised her and tried to give her the world (perhaps too much). Well, she has done some awful things the past year. She has been very mean to me - always giving me dirty looks and refusing to talk to me when I try to talk to her. As well she has been caught driving while 'high' and she also stole my credit card for over a month. I have another post on this that you should really read: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/84681.page#656789

What hurts me the most with my daughter is how mean she is towards me, and I feel that much of her behavior towards me has to do with my husband's manipulate behavior. Yes, once (and only once) I may have slipped in anger and said I didn't love her, but I immediately told her I was sorry and told her she knows I do love her.

In addition, I strongly feel that my husband is emotionally abusive. What 'broke the camels back' is 5 days ago when he screamed at me in front of my mother. It was quite embarrassing for him to 'go off' like that in front of my mother. My husband does have a temper, but I wish he would not show it to any of my friends or family. It was very upsetting to my mother and she said she doesn't want to see him anymore.

I agree that we should seek therapy. However, significant changes would need to take place for our marriage to be successful.

There is much more I could tell that would make you understand why I feel the way I do, but I would appreciate it if this thread of my private life would end here.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I'm struck by one thing. Your life is private but your daughter's is not, so much so that you post a link to a thread you started about her? Does she know that your posting about her on DCUM? Maybe you should be more proactive with your husband and do counseling and find constructive ways to communicate. I wish you well.