broken deal on gift giving to children
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Anonymous
| A few days before Christmas, my husband mentioned to me that he was having second thoughts on giving our 17 year old daughter money for Christmas since the past few years she's been 'back talking' more and more, plus has not been trustworthy or maintaining decent grades. I responded that I completely agreed we shouldn't give her money. Christmas morning came and I gave her practical presents, plus some jewelry, watch, etc. Then when she was done opening her presents, my husband hands her a card with $200 dollars in it. To top it off, he made it clear that this money was only from him!! That is what irritated me the most, considering I make more than him and it is all deposited in the same accounts. I told him the next day I didn't appreciate what he did, and he responded that we did not have a deal.... |
Anonymous
| BTW - forgot to ask in my posting above.. "am I wrong for being upset?" |
Anonymous
|
I completely get your hurt/angry feelings, but it sounds like there was enough vagueness in that first conversation for him to legitimately think you guys hadn't agreed on something. Although I don't get his need to specify the money was only from him. ??? What's that about?
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Anonymous
| i would be upset. that is manipulative. |
Anonymous
| You are not wrong for being pissed. This is totally unacceptable. He willfully disregarded an agreement over a gift and then did an about face & made himself the good guy & you look like the bad guy to your 17 y.o. A kid that old would surely sense that something was up between the 2 of you over this. All so weird that no $ was his idea in the first place. Sounds like there's something more going on here... |
Anonymous
|
a couple of things
1) I don't think Christmas presents should be tied to behavior. It's not like presents are an ongoing thing, it's a once a year expression of good will. Does your 17-year old have allowances or privileges? Those are what should be taken away from her when she misbehaves. 2) Your husband did TWO things wrong: go against what you two agreed on, and gave a Christmas gift from just one parent in the form of cash in a joint household. Whatever! That just makes you look like the bad guy! So lame. |
Anonymous
| I don't understand the part about giving gifts separately. Is that how it's usually done in your family? Mom and Dad by separate gifts for the kids, and you guys don't know who is giving what? I'd be upset too. |
Anonymous
|
My daughter does not have an allowance, but does have a part-time job. One of the main reasons I did not want to give her money this Christmas was because a few days before Christmas I found out she had one of my misplaced credit cards for weeks that I thought I had misplaced in the house. During this time, she kept telling me she hadn't seen it (I asked because a few times here and there I would give it to her to pick us up dinner). Anyway, after a few weeks of it being gone, I finally decided to look online to see if there were any charges, and found she had been charging hundreds of dollars in gas/food, etc practically every day it for weeks! I felt this was extremely bad behavior (lying and steeling!). My husband shrugged it off.
I agree that my husband is manipulative. He has a track record of saying something one day, and the next day completely denying he said it. But what threw me over the edge is telling her it was all from him and trying to play favorite. |
Anonymous
| I would be upset. He sounds like a dick. |
Anonymous
gosh, op. you've got a lot going on here. i find the entire situation worrisome. i think your husband's behavior is impacting your daughter. something is not right with these relationships. i think the three of you need family therapy to work all of this out in a safe space. i feel bad for your daughter because it sounds like she feels out of control and has no boundaries. she thinks dad will let her get away with and strong arm you. |
Anonymous
|
I don't understand the difference between giving cash and giving expensive jewelry and gifts. Why give one and not the other? Why withhold cash and shower the child with jewelry, etc., when you are having problems with her behavior? That doesn't make any sense.
And I agree with the poster who said, in so many words, that Christmas gifts should not be tied to behavior. Either you celebrate or you don't. |
Anonymous
| I think I would have told her that all the charges she put on my credit card were her Christmas present and then stuck to it. Period. |
Anonymous
| If I had done this when I was a teenager, I would have been grounded FOREVER, no Christmas presents at all, and expected to pay back every charge on that card w/ the money from my job. The fact that there don't seem to be any consequences for this, and that the two of you are (separately) showering her with gifts so shortly afterwards raises HUGE red flags with me. I second the family therapy. |
Anonymous
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I agree that she needs consequences and that use of the joint credit card should be cut off. If she needs money, she should earn it. You need to set some limits for her before she goes out into the world and has the police, a bad boyfriend, anyone other than you, give her the tough lessons in life. Don't delay. You might think you are being cruel, but you are doing her the favor of a lifetime.
And I agree on counseling- this will be hard to do without DH on board. |
Anonymous
| and how is this problem about a Christmas gift? you've got way bigger problems than that, OP. Not the least of them is that your husband doesn't a) see a problem, or b) see the importance of a united voice in parenting. Your child is going to exploit this. |