Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

Thank him profusely and fix it back to how you wanted it. He just wants to honour you and make you happy. Let him know you feel honoured to have your own space and you really did have it like you liked it.

[Anonymous]

Wow I can’t believe this thread. If I went in and changed my husband’s office he would not appreciate it. If he came in and rearranged mine I would not appreciate it. The PPs and the husband who think they know better than OP and these must be improvements are jerks. By definition OP knows what she likes better than anyone else. And the people calling her husband a gem for doing so because he wrote a nice note just emphasize how the bar for being a good husband is literally on the floor. Oh he did something really weird to your space and you hate it? Well he’s not at this exact moment screwing a prostitute so count your blessings. Men can’t be expected to care about what their spouses actually think or feel right?

Good grief. He might be condescending, he might be emotionally slow or maybe there is some actual reason he thought you would like this (I can’t really imagine what it would be but maybe). Whatever we can’t tell from your post. But you don’t have to wait one second to put your office back to how you like it. You can say you liked the note but you like your office the way you had it and you would like it to stay that way. You don’t have to say you wanted to cry or call names but put your space back the way you want it and don’t apologize for doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I can’t believe this thread. If I went in and changed my husband’s office he would not appreciate it. If he came in and rearranged mine I would not appreciate it. The PPs and the husband who think they know better than OP and these must be improvements are jerks. By definition OP knows what she likes better than anyone else. And the people calling her husband a gem for doing so because he wrote a nice note just emphasize how the bar for being a good husband is literally on the floor. Oh he did something really weird to your space and you hate it? Well he’s not at this exact moment screwing a prostitute so count your blessings. Men can’t be expected to care about what their spouses actually think or feel right?

Good grief. He might be condescending, he might be emotionally slow or maybe there is some actual reason he thought you would like this (I can’t really imagine what it would be but maybe). Whatever we can’t tell from your post. But you don’t have to wait one second to put your office back to how you like it. You can say you liked the note but you like your office the way you had it and you would like it to stay that way. You don’t have to say you wanted to cry or call names but put your space back the way you want it and don’t apologize for doing so.

Not one poster has said she should not put the space back the way she wants it.

But she should also acknowledge his note and motives and not go in scorched earth.

She should also think about her stated issues @ her feeling like she has no "place" in the family, the very emotional response she had and maybe more conversations and changes are warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I can’t believe this thread. If I went in and changed my husband’s office he would not appreciate it. If he came in and rearranged mine I would not appreciate it. The PPs and the husband who think they know better than OP and these must be improvements are jerks. By definition OP knows what she likes better than anyone else. And the people calling her husband a gem for doing so because he wrote a nice note just emphasize how the bar for being a good husband is literally on the floor. Oh he did something really weird to your space and you hate it? Well he’s not at this exact moment screwing a prostitute so count your blessings. Men can’t be expected to care about what their spouses actually think or feel right?

Good grief. He might be condescending, he might be emotionally slow or maybe there is some actual reason he thought you would like this (I can’t really imagine what it would be but maybe). Whatever we can’t tell from your post. But you don’t have to wait one second to put your office back to how you like it. You can say you liked the note but you like your office the way you had it and you would like it to stay that way. You don’t have to say you wanted to cry or call names but put your space back the way you want it and don’t apologize for doing so.

Not one poster has said she should not put the space back the way she wants it.

But she should also acknowledge his note and motives and not go in scorched earth.

She should also think about her stated issues @ her feeling like she has no "place" in the family, the very emotional response she had and maybe more conversations and changes are warranted.

Yes lots of people are telling her to wait and do it unobtrusively so he doesn’t notice. That’s is total bull. It’s not scorching the earth to ask someone not to move your things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I can’t believe this thread. If I went in and changed my husband’s office he would not appreciate it. If he came in and rearranged mine I would not appreciate it. The PPs and the husband who think they know better than OP and these must be improvements are jerks. By definition OP knows what she likes better than anyone else. And the people calling her husband a gem for doing so because he wrote a nice note just emphasize how the bar for being a good husband is literally on the floor. Oh he did something really weird to your space and you hate it? Well he’s not at this exact moment screwing a prostitute so count your blessings. Men can’t be expected to care about what their spouses actually think or feel right?

Good grief. He might be condescending, he might be emotionally slow or maybe there is some actual reason he thought you would like this (I can’t really imagine what it would be but maybe). Whatever we can’t tell from your post. But you don’t have to wait one second to put your office back to how you like it. You can say you liked the note but you like your office the way you had it and you would like it to stay that way. You don’t have to say you wanted to cry or call names but put your space back the way you want it and don’t apologize for doing so.

Not one poster has said she should not put the space back the way she wants it.

But she should also acknowledge his note and motives and not go in scorched earth.

She should also think about her stated issues @ her feeling like she has no "place" in the family, the very emotional response she had and maybe more conversations and changes are warranted.

Yes lots of people are telling her to wait and do it unobtrusively so he doesn’t notice. That’s is total bull. It’s not scorching the earth to ask someone not to move your things.

She has just been in he process of changing over a playroom into an office. How much they have done this together or she has done it while he is at work etc we don’t know. But this isn’t an established space he went in and moved around. He may not have known that she had been slacking away in the room for four weeks. Depending on their relationship or where the furniture came from, he may not have viewed it yet as her things. Maybe he had moved the desk into the room or set it up etc. it seems he didn’t know this was a keep out of my space situation yet since she hadn’t started using it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh I’m sorry. I don’t know if this is good advice but I would just flat out start crying and tell my DH everyone you said (kindly, not in anger, but with vulnerability). If I kept it to myself it would come out of me later on.

Just like omg I am crying for two reasons, one because that is so so so sweet of you and I feel so seen but also because it is so ugly and I just don’t like it at all.

Only normal human reaction that I have seen

[Anonymous]

I’d be so pissed if anyone rearranged my office space/bought things for it that I didn’t ask for in the name of “helping me”.

Not normal adult behavior. Controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of that would bother me one bit.

It's just a room. Not a woman cave. If you show your dislike you risk him getting his feelings hurt and probably tell you I'm sorry you didn't like it. I tried my best to make your room nice. Some men just don't get female decor. Plus it won't kill you. Look at the stuff and giggle.

My husband has been retired for almost 4 years now. He has taken over the whole house. It's a wreck but you know what ? My ego won't allow me to get upset. I see it as now I don't have to tend to fill in the blank. And he gladly does it all. For that I'm grateful. He doesn't cheat. He isn't mean to me. Everything he does for me is heart based. 100%. Not many women can actually say that. I feel very lucky God gave him to me.

Let it go and see it as a love token. HE LOVES YOU.

This is pathetic and disturbing

I'm glad someone else felt that way. I read this and was like WTF?

It's hard to say for sure what is going on with OP's DH. Is he really that clueless and just meant well. Is he really that clueless to her wants because he is controlling and self-centered? I don't know. Either way, OP can say thanks for the thought and then fix the room the way she wants. And be clear going forward about what those wants are.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds clueless. Mine decorated my office as a bday gift- at my request because he has excellent taste and I felt overwhelmed. He sought my input on color, furniture, etc. Say thanks but no thanks and ask him to put things back as they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But all I want to do is cry. I realize I'm being ungrateful,..

Do I say something or just stay quiet and suck it up?

OP you know the answer. Its in your question. Have some gratitude, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But all I want to do is cry. I realize I'm being ungrateful,..

Do I say something or just stay quiet and suck it up?

OP you know the answer. Its in your question. Have some gratitude, and move on.

Gratitude for what?

[Anonymous]

These seriously seem like simple things to fix. Just talk to him. They aren't permanent changes.

[Anonymous]

Considering that many husbands would never put that much thought + effort into doing something this kind, I would initially thank him & let him know that you appreciate the gesture.

Then as you begin your new job - I would slowly and gradually change things around into what you prefer.

For instance, you can let him know that your job does not require a printer 🖨️ so you can offer to put it in his office.
And gradually but casually switch out a few other things which hopefully will give him the hint.

If he balks and/or doesn’t “get it,” then you may have to tell him the truth >> that you appreciated how he took the time to provide you such a cohesive office but that in the end, the style was just not your own.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

This is not normal behavior. Those of us who have dealt with controlling azzhats know what this is. If op is crying it's because she has been dealing with this forever. I'd bet he does a lot of stuff like this that, in effect, cancels op out. Op tell us more about this guy.

I've never heard of a single guy doing something like this unless it was in a room the couple disagreed about what it was to be used for.

Op needs to face this for what it is. That is what is so upsetting about it. It's guised as being kind and helpful when her dh is controlling.

Op does he move things if you sit something down in your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I would be irritated too.
He meant well.
Take a few deep yoga breaths to calm down.
Say thanks so much honey- I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Can you please help me move a couple things back to the position I need them? (do a couple) then next week do a couple more.

No, women do not need to calm down and make nice to assuage the male ego.

Exactly. Op needs to spend time thinking about this and her reaction and give an honest assessment. Immediately crying is an indication of frustration. She needs to be a grown up and asses with no bright-sided bullshite. What is going on with her husband and is he controlling?