Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)
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Anonymous
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Helppppp
I've always felt down that there isn't an area of our house for me which I have vocalized. The spare bedroom w ensuite bath is DH's office (and bathroom by default), the den was always the kids playroom. Well, I'm starting a new job this week WFH and I spent the last 4 weeks making the playroom into an office and reading space for myself. I put so much love into it and really FINALLY created a space for me. I went in there to start work this morning and DH "surprised" me by changing some things around like faced my desk a different direction, hung some new things on the walls and added other random things around the room- a garbage can (jet black in my light cheerful space), huge printer (also jet black and I don't need a printer), a new ugly lamp with super bright bulbs, some thick black industrial looking hooks screwed into the wall etc. Then he left a really sweet note on my desk about how proud he is of me and that I deserve this job and stuff. But all I want to do is cry. I realize I'm being ungrateful, but the space felt so perfect and like me and I haven't had anything (we share a car, I've never had an office at home or work, I share a bathroom with the 3 small kids, our master bedroom is tiny 12 x 13) to myself in over 10 years. Do I say something or just stay quiet and suck it up? |
Anonymous
| Well, he's trying. Focus on the sweet, then slowly and quietly change things back. Trash can is easy first change. Printer can go in a cabinet? Things like switching the desk - you can say after working for a week or so you need to face other way for light. Same with lamp. Just do it slowly so it feels more like you are settling in. |
Anonymous
| You don't say a thing. He tired and that's huge, his intentions were sweet you don't say a thing. |
Anonymous
Agree. Show him gratitude but then slowly change things back to the way they were! |
Anonymous
| Once you are calmer, I'd also suggest thinking back to your conversations. There is a huge disconnected if you think you spent 4 weeks making this your space and he changed it overnight. Did he not see your work? Did you not talk about it? Did you say the space was unfinished in some way? |
Anonymous
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I'm torn.
I mean, it's sweet of him to take the initiative. But, does he not know you at all? Couldn't he see that you've already finished the room to your liking? What did he think you were doing all these previous weeks in the room? It's like you guys don't communicate much at all. I'm all for showing gratitude for now. But at some point, maybe months down the road, maybe weeks later, you have to be frank with him: when it comes to your space, you want it the way you like it and there are other ways he can show his affection. My point being, do not suffer in silence forever. |
Anonymous
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I would tell him how you feel. Burying your feelings on this is not the way to go at all.
"I appreciate your efforts, but I decorated how I wanted and will be putting it back. I know your intentions are good and heart in the right place, but I already fixed the room how I wanted it." |
Anonymous
| Also, tell him you don't like surprises. He should know this about you already. |
Anonymous
This. His effort was thoughtful, but it’s like he is totally blind to the work you did. Surely he noticed it was no longer a playroom? You need to thank him for thinking of you but also ask him to help you put it back the way it was. |
Anonymous
| PP again. The way you kept going about never having your own space, there's an undertone of martyring for your family. I think you should speak up more about your likes and dislikes, so that a) there won't be a huge disconnect between you two, and b) it won't be this debacle where to you it's a huge disappointment but to him it's just a relatively minor thing. |
Anonymous
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After all these years of marriage, he shouldn't be THAT clueless.
And I'm not being ungrateful on your behalf - I get that he was trying to be nice. But my husband, over the years, knows I want control over color schemes and decor and he would NEVER change something without asking me first. We have different tastes and he knows I probably wouldn't like his choices. Decorating the house is my thing, and he has a right of veto, but essentially lets me choose practically everything, because he knows I care more about these things than he does. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, he's slightly color-impaired (doesn't see as many colors as I do). So tell him bluntly, that he shouldn't have messed with the only space in the house that's yours, and that he should know your tastes better by now. |
Anonymous
| Say nothing but thank you. After a month move the printer into a closet and mention it turns out you won't need a printer. Move the trash to another room and get a cute trash bin you like. Paint or spray paint the hooks. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t call his actions thoughtful. Is he this clueless or is he controlling? Did he not notice you changing the playroom? Tell him thank you, but you will be returning. |
Anonymous
| You have a controlling husband. He did not want you to have your own space that he did not create. Stop crying and assert yourself. |
Anonymous
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Oh my gosh I’m sorry. I don’t know if this is good advice but I would just flat out start crying and tell my DH everyone you said (kindly, not in anger, but with vulnerability). If I kept it to myself it would come out of me later on.
Just like omg I am crying for two reasons, one because that is so so so sweet of you and I feel so seen but also because it is so ugly and I just don’t like it at all. |