Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I would be irritated too.
He meant well.
Take a few deep yoga breaths to calm down.
Say thanks so much honey- I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Can you please help me move a couple things back to the position I need them? (do a couple) then next week do a couple more.

No, women do not need to calm down and make nice to assuage the male ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

Well said, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

this, a hundred times this

also gd help the person who moves my desk without asking me!

get rid of the garbage can and the printer. you might like having the hooks.

congrats on the new job!

[Anonymous]

Are you 100% sure that every gift and kind gesture you have ever given your husband has been exactly what he wanted? That you have never missed the mark at all? Does he show appreciation if it wasn’t his favourite gift or does he tell you how disappointed he is in your gifts as they are not exactly what he would choose for himself.

Before you take the advice to tell him off, be sure that is the dynamic and precedent you want to create. That expressing disappointment and unhappiness when you put in effort to do something nice or give him a gift you thought was thoughtful but he doesn’t love it is the response you want from now on.

For us, we would appreciate the gesture and gift and good intentions and then slowly move things out or change things over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a controlling husband. He did not want you to have your own space that he did not create. Stop crying and assert yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of that would bother me one bit.

It's just a room. Not a woman cave. If you show your dislike you risk him getting his feelings hurt and probably tell you I'm sorry you didn't like it. I tried my best to make your room nice. Some men just don't get female decor. Plus it won't kill you. Look at the stuff and giggle.

My husband has been retired for almost 4 years now. He has taken over the whole house. It's a wreck but you know what ? My ego won't allow me to get upset. I see it as now I don't have to tend to fill in the blank. And he gladly does it all. For that I'm grateful. He doesn't cheat. He isn't mean to me. Everything he does for me is heart based. 100%. Not many women can actually say that. I feel very lucky God gave him to me.

Let it go and see it as a love token. HE LOVES YOU.

🤮🤮🤮🤮

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't say a thing. He tired and that's huge, his intentions were sweet you don't say a thing.

I totally disagree. Tell him how you feel, or he will keep doing stuff like this. Acknowledge that his intentions were good, but TELL HIM that your first reaction was to cry because of the reasons that you expressed.

[Anonymous]

OMFG the doormat behavior on this thread.

OP, if it's your space, make it what you like. Explain that you'd like it to be yours, and will be arranging it as you like. That you didn't do this before spending 4 weeks working on it highlights the communication breakdown already.

You don't need to "spare his feelings". It's okay to not like things. Just be honest. "I appreciate the thought, but this isn't the help I needed. I'd prefer..."

Do you go into his office and change things around? Is this retaliatory in some way? It sounds really passive-aggressive and immature to me, especially if you think you can't say "hey, I don't like this" without him making your space all about him/his feelings.

Y'all need to talk this out like adults. Whatever you do, don't stew about it. Communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you 100% sure that every gift and kind gesture you have ever given your husband has been exactly what he wanted? That you have never missed the mark at all? Does he show appreciation if it wasn’t his favourite gift or does he tell you how disappointed he is in your gifts as they are not exactly what he would choose for himself.

Before you take the advice to tell him off, be sure that is the dynamic and precedent you want to create. That expressing disappointment and unhappiness when you put in effort to do something nice or give him a gift you thought was thoughtful but he doesn’t love it is the response you want from now on.

For us, we would appreciate the gesture and gift and good intentions and then slowly move things out or change things over.

She needs to set the precedent that this is her space. He has his space and they share a bedroom and the rest of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't say a thing. He tired and that's huge, his intentions were sweet you don't say a thing.

I totally disagree. Tell him how you feel, or he will keep doing stuff like this. Acknowledge that his intentions were good, but TELL HIM that your first reaction was to cry because of the reasons that you expressed.

Does your husband do that to you a lot? Tell you that he wants to cry because you didn’t get the perfect gift. That he is so disappointed that he is in tears because the garbage can and hooks you got for his man cave or garage are the wrong colour? And you appreciate knowing how upset you made him by getting he wrong colours?

I find that such an odd dynamic to have. To use emotional manipulation and disappointment if your Payne doesn’t read your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Many of you have unhappy marriages to interpret this as retaliation, control, passive aggressive.


I have often gone out and gotten a few things for people to celebrate something. They might not have been the exact perfect gift but the gestures have been appreciated as an I am thinking of you and wanted to show you I care. No one in my life responds with negativity about it not being exactly what they wanted.

[Anonymous]

I think OP sounds ridiculous. A “jet black” garbage can? Give me a break. Hooks?

Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't say a thing. He tired and that's huge, his intentions were sweet you don't say a thing.

I totally disagree. Tell him how you feel, or he will keep doing stuff like this. Acknowledge that his intentions were good, but TELL HIM that your first reaction was to cry because of the reasons that you expressed.

Does your husband do that to you a lot? Tell you that he wants to cry because you didn’t get the perfect gift. That he is so disappointed that he is in tears because the garbage can and hooks you got for his man cave or garage are the wrong colour? And you appreciate knowing how upset you made him by getting he wrong colours?

I find that such an odd dynamic to have. To use emotional manipulation and disappointment if your Payne doesn’t read your mind.

Putting in hooks is one thing if she generally isn’t handy and he thinks it’s helpful. Getting the trash can and printer is I guess nice, if a little officious. Maybe he might think she overlooked a trash can, or was trying to economize re printer. Moving the desk is completely bizarre. He thinks she went to the trouble of bringing in a desk and just flopped it down wherever with no thought? That’s the one that really rubs me the wrong way. I would feel not only hurt, but disrespected at that point.

Maybe his heart is genuinely in the right place. But I agree with the PP who said that in a healthy relationship, you could say I appreciate that you were trying to do something nice for me, but I preferred it the other way and it would be no big deal. If he would make it a big deal, that’s kind of an issue.

But I also would have started ostentatiously walking the kids into “his” bathroom ages before this, so what do I know about healthy communication.