Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

Ugh my husband would totally do this and probably be offended if I said I didn't like it.

But if I quietly changed it back or removed stuff he wouldn't notice or be upset.

I'd say this is a breathe, appreciate the gesture, do what you want, and maybe talk later if the time is right.

Also you need to enforce BOUNDARIES literally at the door of this office. Consider installing a lock with a key, and use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t call his actions thoughtful. Is he this clueless or is he controlling? Did he not notice you changing the playroom? Tell him thank you, but you will be returning.

Exactly - it seems his actions aren’t actually thoughtful. Why “protect” his feelings? You can assume best intentions without sneaking around and working in a space you’re not into.

“Thanks for you for your sweet note.” And then change things

You may need to be explicit about this space being yours though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm torn.

I mean, it's sweet of him to take the initiative. But, does he not know you at all? Couldn't he see that you've already finished the room to your liking? What did he think you were doing all these previous weeks in the room? It's like you guys don't communicate much at all.

I'm all for showing gratitude for now. But at some point, maybe months down the road, maybe weeks later, you have to be frank with him: when it comes to your space, you want it the way you like it and there are other ways he can show his affection.

My point being, do not suffer in silence forever.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Helppppp

I've always felt down that there isn't an area of our house for me which I have vocalized. The spare bedroom w ensuite bath is DH's office (and bathroom by default), the den was always the kids playroom. Well, I'm starting a new job this week WFH and I spent the last 4 weeks making the playroom into an office and reading space for myself. I put so much love into it and really FINALLY created a space for me. I went in there to start work this morning and DH "surprised" me by changing some things around like faced my desk a different direction, hung some new things on the walls and added other random things around the room- a garbage can (jet black in my light cheerful space), huge printer (also jet black and I don't need a printer), a new ugly lamp with super bright bulbs, some thick black industrial looking hooks screwed into the wall etc. Then he left a really sweet note on my desk about how proud he is of me and that I deserve this job and stuff.

But all I want to do is cry. I realize I'm being ungrateful, but the space felt so perfect and like me and I haven't had anything (we share a car, I've never had an office at home or work, I share a bathroom with the 3 small kids, our master bedroom is tiny 12 x 13) to myself in over 10 years.

Do I say something or just stay quiet and suck it up?

Get over yourself. I feel sorry for your DH.

[Anonymous]

None of that would bother me one bit.

It's just a room. Not a woman cave. If you show your dislike you risk him getting his feelings hurt and probably tell you I'm sorry you didn't like it. I tried my best to make your room nice. Some men just don't get female decor. Plus it won't kill you. Look at the stuff and giggle.

My husband has been retired for almost 4 years now. He has taken over the whole house. It's a wreck but you know what ? My ego won't allow me to get upset. I see it as now I don't have to tend to fill in the blank. And he gladly does it all. For that I'm grateful. He doesn't cheat. He isn't mean to me. Everything he does for me is heart based. 100%. Not many women can actually say that. I feel very lucky God gave him to me.

Let it go and see it as a love token. HE LOVES YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say nothing but thank you. After a month move the printer into a closet and mention it turns out you won't need a printer. Move the trash to another room and get a cute trash bin you like. Paint or spray paint the hooks.

NO. This isn't a colleague's well-meaning but ridiculous gift. It's her spouse, who should know her better and who needs to know ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of that would bother me one bit.

It's just a room. Not a woman cave. If you show your dislike you risk him getting his feelings hurt and probably tell you I'm sorry you didn't like it. I tried my best to make your room nice. Some men just don't get female decor. Plus it won't kill you. Look at the stuff and giggle.

My husband has been retired for almost 4 years now. He has taken over the whole house. It's a wreck but you know what ? My ego won't allow me to get upset. I see it as now I don't have to tend to fill in the blank. And he gladly does it all. For that I'm grateful. He doesn't cheat. He isn't mean to me. Everything he does for me is heart based. 100%. Not many women can actually say that. I feel very lucky God gave him to me.

Let it go and see it as a love token. HE LOVES YOU.

This is pathetic and disturbing

[Anonymous]

Change it back to how to like it.

You haven't had a space of your own -- you will need to exercise setting (kind!) boundaries around your space.

I myself have an office and no one -- not my husband, not the kids -- gets to move anything. But, when I first made it, and then COVID hit, it was so nice that my husband actually started using it himself. I told him to make his own office, and he did but it sucked and then he tried again to squat in mine.

I finally helped him make a really nice office for himself (in one section of the den, i have the guest room). He loves it and I never touch his things. He is super respectful of my space now, and I his.

It's all practice. this seems new for both of you (this kind of privacy). give both you and your husband grace, but hold your boundary.

[Anonymous]

Did you have a garbage can that he replaced, or did he see that you needed one? Did he buy a brand-new printer or just repurpose one?

You might find the hooks to be useful. Maybe hang a small indoor plant? Tell him you don't need the printer and it takes up too much space. He won't feel bad about that. Find a different place for the garbage can if that is important to you, but being worried about the color of a garbage can is really weird.

[Anonymous]

Say thank you and change it back. He meant well.

I don't buy into all these comments about your husband being controlling, etc

My DH is the sweetest, kindest man. But if I were re-doing a room for a month, he probably wouldn't notice. I can literally get six inches chopped from my hair and he wouldn't notice. I'd "See anything different?," he'd look panicked and say "New shirt? It look great."

He supports you in your new job and tried to make you happy, which is the most important thing. Down the road, you can tell him the truth and laugh about it with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say thank you and change it back. He meant well.

I don't buy into all these comments about your husband being controlling, etc

My DH is the sweetest, kindest man. But if I were re-doing a room for a month, he probably wouldn't notice. I can literally get six inches chopped from my hair and he wouldn't notice. I'd "See anything different?," he'd look panicked and say "New shirt? It look great."

He supports you in your new job and tried to make you happy, which is the most important thing. Down the road, you can tell him the truth and laugh about it with him.

What does your sweet husband who doesn't notice changes you've made to your home have to do with OP's husband who clearly noticed and thought he could do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of that would bother me one bit.

It's just a room. Not a woman cave. If you show your dislike you risk him getting his feelings hurt and probably tell you I'm sorry you didn't like it. I tried my best to make your room nice. Some men just don't get female decor. Plus it won't kill you. Look at the stuff and giggle.

My husband has been retired for almost 4 years now. He has taken over the whole house. It's a wreck but you know what ? My ego won't allow me to get upset. I see it as now I don't have to tend to fill in the blank. And he gladly does it all. For that I'm grateful. He doesn't cheat. He isn't mean to me. Everything he does for me is heart based. 100%. Not many women can actually say that. I feel very lucky God gave him to me.

Let it go and see it as a love token. HE LOVES YOU.

This is pathetic and disturbing

Exactly. I hope it is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change it back to how to like it.

You haven't had a space of your own -- you will need to exercise setting (kind!) boundaries around your space.

I myself have an office and no one -- not my husband, not the kids -- gets to move anything. But, when I first made it, and then COVID hit, it was so nice that my husband actually started using it himself. I told him to make his own office, and he did but it sucked and then he tried again to squat in mine.

I finally helped him make a really nice office for himself (in one section of the den, i have the guest room). He loves it and I never touch his things. He is super respectful of my space now, and I his.

It's all practice. this seems new for both of you (this kind of privacy). give both you and your husband grace, but hold your boundary.

But it's not new for her DH. He has an ensuite bedroom all to himself for his office.

[Anonymous]

I get it. I would be irritated too.
He meant well.
Take a few deep yoga breaths to calm down.
Say thanks so much honey- I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Can you please help me move a couple things back to the position I need them? (do a couple) then next week do a couple more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Helppppp

I've always felt down that there isn't an area of our house for me which I have vocalized. The spare bedroom w ensuite bath is DH's office (and bathroom by default), the den was always the kids playroom. Well, I'm starting a new job this week WFH and I spent the last 4 weeks making the playroom into an office and reading space for myself. I put so much love into it and really FINALLY created a space for me. I went in there to start work this morning and DH "surprised" me by changing some things around like faced my desk a different direction, hung some new things on the walls and added other random things around the room- a garbage can (jet black in my light cheerful space), huge printer (also jet black and I don't need a printer), a new ugly lamp with super bright bulbs, some thick black industrial looking hooks screwed into the wall etc. Then he left a really sweet note on my desk about how proud he is of me and that I deserve this job and stuff.

But all I want to do is cry. I realize I'm being ungrateful, but the space felt so perfect and like me and I haven't had anything (we share a car, I've never had an office at home or work, I share a bathroom with the 3 small kids, our master bedroom is tiny 12 x 13) to myself in over 10 years.

Do I say something or just stay quiet and suck it up?

Hahahaha this is my husband 100%. I will decorate a room to be light-colored and calm and cozy and he will buy a gigantic black industrial fan and just plop it in there 😂