Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t understand why people aren’t more put off by him moving the desk. He didn’t just get her a gift she doesn’t really like, he went in and rearranged her furniture. I can’t think of a justification for that.

Her desk was at a terrible angle for video calls. (I agree he should have mentioned it before offering to move, but you asked for a justification). At this point, we're on page 7, and OP didn't return and she claims she is starting a new job this week (mid-week?). So I am guessing troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him how you feel. Burying your feelings on this is not the way to go at all.

"I appreciate your efforts, but I decorated how I wanted and will be putting it back. I know your intentions are good and heart in the right place, but I already fixed the room how I wanted it."

He will never make a similar gesture like the note again is one possible outcome.

The details of the stuff seem so trifling to change.

OP were you working out of the house before this? Do you have misgivings about WAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

I think it’s clear from OP’s post that she’s got some long pent-up feelings about her identity/space in the house (and maybe the relationship). But that’s why the advice to grin and bear it misses the mark for me. They should be able to speak frankly about this stuff, and it seems likely they haven’t for too long and it’s become a real problem.

I think though maybe this view that everyone gets their own personal room is reflective of a certain economic demographic. I would hazard a guess that in the majority of homes, whomever is working from home has a dedicated space for that but that the other spouse who doesn't work from home doesn't have an equivalent space. You need a certain sized home to have two empty rooms so that both people get their own personal room - regardless of whether or not they work from home. I think that is a pretty recent expectation. Would be an interesting poll to see if those that WFH on here who have their own office space have ensured that their spouse gets an equivalent room in the house dedicated to them. I don't think that is too common.

I don’t want to project too much, but there might be some missing info here. In my house, my husband doesn’t have a dedicated space (while I do have a WFH area), but as a practical matter he can take up residence right in the middle of the living room and still have more personal space/“me” time than I do, because the kids are constantly all over me. If she was SAHM before this might be even more pronounced. It could be more about identity/role than space per se.

There is room for a dedicated space for both. Husband has claimed his office space because he already works from home and now OP needs hers for a new WFH job. No need for projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him how you feel. Burying your feelings on this is not the way to go at all.

"I appreciate your efforts, but I decorated how I wanted and will be putting it back. I know your intentions are good and heart in the right place, but I already fixed the room how I wanted it."

He will never make a similar gesture like the note again is one possible outcome.

The details of the stuff seem so trifling to change.

OP were you working out of the house before this? Do you have misgivings about WAH?

That sounds like a positive outcome and you sound obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t understand why people aren’t more put off by him moving the desk. He didn’t just get her a gift she doesn’t really like, he went in and rearranged her furniture. I can’t think of a justification for that.

Her desk was at a terrible angle for video calls. (I agree he should have mentioned it before offering to move, but you asked for a justification). At this point, we're on page 7, and OP didn't return and she claims she is starting a new job this week (mid-week?). So I am guessing troll.

Where did she say that? Now you're making things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

Holy gaslighting! She says she is starting a new WFH job and set up an office for herself, which her husband decided to rearrange without asking her.

Her response suggests it's about more than moving the desk back.

He did a lot more than that. Reread the OP.

[Anonymous]

Who screws around with someone's office the day before they start a new job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him how you feel. Burying your feelings on this is not the way to go at all.

"I appreciate your efforts, but I decorated how I wanted and will be putting it back. I know your intentions are good and heart in the right place, but I already fixed the room how I wanted it."

He will never make a similar gesture like the note again is one possible outcome.

The details of the stuff seem so trifling to change.

OP were you working out of the house before this? Do you have misgivings about WAH?

That sounds like a positive outcome and you sound obtuse.

You think the note was a bad thing? How so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t understand why people aren’t more put off by him moving the desk. He didn’t just get her a gift she doesn’t really like, he went in and rearranged her furniture. I can’t think of a justification for that.

Her desk was at a terrible angle for video calls. (I agree he should have mentioned it before offering to move, but you asked for a justification). At this point, we're on page 7, and OP didn't return and she claims she is starting a new job this week (mid-week?). So I am guessing troll.

Where did she say that? Now you're making things up.

I am making things up. The PP said she couldn't think of a justification, so I helped her see one. OP made everything up because this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

Holy gaslighting! She says she is starting a new WFH job and set up an office for herself, which her husband decided to rearrange without asking her.

Her response suggests it's about more than moving the desk back.

He did a lot more than that. Reread the OP.

He put a trash can and printer and hung some hooks on the wall. He also left what she acknowledges was a very sweet note. Re-orienting the desk and swapping out a trash can don't seem to warrant tears. People are caught on the room details and missing ALL of the emotional subtext of OP's post and also that it is a transition. She sounds like she is not in a good place emotionally, perhaps re: that and also re: her "space in the family." Many on here would be over the moon to get a note like that from a DH but it barely rated with OP. More is going on that re-orienting the desk. There is anxiety in the mix and maybe more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him how you feel. Burying your feelings on this is not the way to go at all.

"I appreciate your efforts, but I decorated how I wanted and will be putting it back. I know your intentions are good and heart in the right place, but I already fixed the room how I wanted it."

He will never make a similar gesture like the note again is one possible outcome.

The details of the stuff seem so trifling to change.

OP were you working out of the house before this? Do you have misgivings about WAH?

That sounds like a positive outcome and you sound obtuse.

You think the note was a bad thing? How so?

It's a way of shutting down her objections without addressing what he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t understand why people aren’t more put off by him moving the desk. He didn’t just get her a gift she doesn’t really like, he went in and rearranged her furniture. I can’t think of a justification for that.

Her desk was at a terrible angle for video calls. (I agree he should have mentioned it before offering to move, but you asked for a justification). At this point, we're on page 7, and OP didn't return and she claims she is starting a new job this week (mid-week?). So I am guessing troll.

Where did she say that? Now you're making things up.

I am making things up. The PP said she couldn't think of a justification, so I helped her see one. OP made everything up because this is a troll.

You don't think she knows how to orient the desk for video call? You are infantilizing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t understand why people aren’t more put off by him moving the desk. He didn’t just get her a gift she doesn’t really like, he went in and rearranged her furniture. I can’t think of a justification for that.

Her desk was at a terrible angle for video calls. (I agree he should have mentioned it before offering to move, but you asked for a justification). At this point, we're on page 7, and OP didn't return and she claims she is starting a new job this week (mid-week?). So I am guessing troll.

Where did she say that? Now you're making things up.

I am making things up. The PP said she couldn't think of a justification, so I helped her see one. OP made everything up because this is a troll.

You don't think she knows how to orient the desk for video call? You are infantilizing her.

She is crying over her office space. I do not think OP is a strong emotional space, no.

[Anonymous]

You should divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t understand why people aren’t more put off by him moving the desk. He didn’t just get her a gift she doesn’t really like, he went in and rearranged her furniture. I can’t think of a justification for that.

Her desk was at a terrible angle for video calls. (I agree he should have mentioned it before offering to move, but you asked for a justification). At this point, we're on page 7, and OP didn't return and she claims she is starting a new job this week (mid-week?). So I am guessing troll.

Where did she say that? Now you're making things up.

I am making things up. The PP said she couldn't think of a justification, so I helped her see one. OP made everything up because this is a troll.

I guess I should have said I can’t think of a reasonable justification. To substitute his judgment for hers on the video background or the lighting or whatever seems pretty unreasonable.