Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would a man do?

It does feel kinda icky that he did this right before your first day. It's set up so well so he can gaslight you into being ungrateful. I don't know, this sets off weird alarm bells for me.

She spent 4 weeks setting her office and reading space exactly the way she wanted it. He didn't like what she did and feels empowered to change it to his taste. Yes, alarm bells are definitely clanging here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say nothing but thank you. After a month move the printer into a closet and mention it turns out you won't need a printer. Move the trash to another room and get a cute trash bin you like. Paint or spray paint the hooks.

Wrong. Swallowing her feelings and not using her words is what got her into this situation. Clear is kind. Say what you want.

[Anonymous]

Grow up. Focus on things that matter, a husband who made an effort, kids who are healthy, marriage that's solid, job that pays, house which provides shelter. Minor disappointments are minor parts of life, don't let them take over life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

I think it’s clear from OP’s post that she’s got some long pent-up feelings about her identity/space in the house (and maybe the relationship). But that’s why the advice to grin and bear it misses the mark for me. They should be able to speak frankly about this stuff, and it seems likely they haven’t for too long and it’s become a real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

Holy gaslighting! She says she is starting a new WFH job and set up an office for herself, which her husband decided to rearrange without asking her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

I think it’s clear from OP’s post that she’s got some long pent-up feelings about her identity/space in the house (and maybe the relationship). But that’s why the advice to grin and bear it misses the mark for me. They should be able to speak frankly about this stuff, and it seems likely they haven’t for too long and it’s become a real problem.

I think though maybe this view that everyone gets their own personal room is reflective of a certain economic demographic. I would hazard a guess that in the majority of homes, whomever is working from home has a dedicated space for that but that the other spouse who doesn't work from home doesn't have an equivalent space. You need a certain sized home to have two empty rooms so that both people get their own personal room - regardless of whether or not they work from home. I think that is a pretty recent expectation. Would be an interesting poll to see if those that WFH on here who have their own office space have ensured that their spouse gets an equivalent room in the house dedicated to them. I don't think that is too common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

I think it’s clear from OP’s post that she’s got some long pent-up feelings about her identity/space in the house (and maybe the relationship). But that’s why the advice to grin and bear it misses the mark for me. They should be able to speak frankly about this stuff, and it seems likely they haven’t for too long and it’s become a real problem.

Agree. And I don't know any kind, respectful and supportive spouse that would pull this right before their spouse starts a new job.

[Anonymous]

You are a narcissist op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

I think it’s clear from OP’s post that she’s got some long pent-up feelings about her identity/space in the house (and maybe the relationship). But that’s why the advice to grin and bear it misses the mark for me. They should be able to speak frankly about this stuff, and it seems likely they haven’t for too long and it’s become a real problem.

I think though maybe this view that everyone gets their own personal room is reflective of a certain economic demographic. I would hazard a guess that in the majority of homes, whomever is working from home has a dedicated space for that but that the other spouse who doesn't work from home doesn't have an equivalent space. You need a certain sized home to have two empty rooms so that both people get their own personal room - regardless of whether or not they work from home. I think that is a pretty recent expectation. Would be an interesting poll to see if those that WFH on here who have their own office space have ensured that their spouse gets an equivalent room in the house dedicated to them. I don't think that is too common.

It's recent because it wasn't possible for most couples to have WFH until the pandemic and Zoom came along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a narcissist op.

Wrong. Sounds like her DH is the narcissist here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

I think it’s clear from OP’s post that she’s got some long pent-up feelings about her identity/space in the house (and maybe the relationship). But that’s why the advice to grin and bear it misses the mark for me. They should be able to speak frankly about this stuff, and it seems likely they haven’t for too long and it’s become a real problem.

I think though maybe this view that everyone gets their own personal room is reflective of a certain economic demographic. I would hazard a guess that in the majority of homes, whomever is working from home has a dedicated space for that but that the other spouse who doesn't work from home doesn't have an equivalent space. You need a certain sized home to have two empty rooms so that both people get their own personal room - regardless of whether or not they work from home. I think that is a pretty recent expectation. Would be an interesting poll to see if those that WFH on here who have their own office space have ensured that their spouse gets an equivalent room in the house dedicated to them. I don't think that is too common.

I don’t want to project too much, but there might be some missing info here. In my house, my husband doesn’t have a dedicated space (while I do have a WFH area), but as a practical matter he can take up residence right in the middle of the living room and still have more personal space/“me” time than I do, because the kids are constantly all over me. If she was SAHM before this might be even more pronounced. It could be more about identity/role than space per se.

[Anonymous]

"Accidents" happen. One by one over time, destroy each item. Jam the printer, "accidentally" knock over the lamp, loosen the hooks and hang something heavy on them.

[Anonymous]

He really sounds like a keeper.

Put the room decorations in perspective.

They can slowly be changed to your liking. You have a new job and a gem of a husband who loves you. Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I can’t understand why people aren’t more put off by him moving the desk. He didn’t just get her a gift she doesn’t really like, he went in and rearranged her furniture. I can’t think of a justification for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, any chance any of this is displaced anxiety about the new job or something? Have you been working or is it a SAHM transition? I'd think him for his obviously good intentions then change things without comment. That you feel so emotional seems to be about more, perhaps? Did you not want to take this job, would you rather WOOTH? I mean, an office is shared space too, but maybe you'd like a change of scene?

Holy gaslighting! She says she is starting a new WFH job and set up an office for herself, which her husband decided to rearrange without asking her.

Her response suggests it's about more than moving the desk back.