2023

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "Just for fun: like the full name but not the nickname, like the nickname but not the full name" and posted in the "Off-Topic" forum. Threads about names — normally asking for suggestions in the "Expectant and Postpartum Moms" forum — are very common. So, I guess it was just a matter of time until one made the most active list. The purpose of this thread is clear from it's title. One example provided by the original poster is liking Tamara but not Tammy. There are two types of responses that can be expected in name threads. One is posters inventing names that they believe are funny. Most often they are not. The other is posters getting offended, generally when their own name or a name they love is criticized. I haven't read all of this thread but several posts were reported so I know that offense was taken in at least a few cases. I am not sure if any made up names were posted but I certainly wouldn't be surprised. For the most part is appears that posters stayed on topic and stuck to the original poster's intention for the thread. Some posters posted their own names, which they love, and nicknames that they hate and hope that nobody uses. Others posted their children's names and nicknames they either liked or disliked. I wouldn't expect to learn anything new from this type of thread but actually found out for the first time that "Topher" is a nickname for "Christopher". Heretofore, I thought it was its own name and it did not occur to me that it is a nickname. Based on this thread, one would conclude that the name "Rebecca" is the name with the most associated nicknames, but nearly all of them are hated.

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "My wife is going to lose me" and posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. The original poster says that he is very close to leaving his wife because of a lack sex in their relationship. He says that he does his share of parenting and work around the house, is a supportive husband, and is in reasonably good shape, but doesn't feel like they are a real couple. Posts of this nature are pretty common in this forum and the men rarely get much sympathy. But, responses to this poster seemed especially unsupportive. Many posters told him to just leave and get it over with. Others suggested talking to his wife about it, even if that was just to give a warning that he was considering divorce. The thread is 13 pages long and I don't have time to read it all, but from looking through a few posts one thing I noticed is that responses are sort of all over the place. Some posters have suggestions for fixing things but many feel that there is no repairing the relationship. Some posters accuse him of having the wrong priorities and blame him for any problems. These topics always attract both posters who believe that sex is an obligation in a marriage and those who do not think it is something that should be expected. Posters representing both views makes appearances in this thread, but there is a big variety of opinions between these extremes.

Starting off today I would like to thank everyone who posted condolence messages in response to yesterday's post about my brother Doug. That meant a lot to me and I greatly appreciate it.

Since I didn't cover Thursday's most active threads yesterday, today I'll look at the most active topics over the past two days. The most active thread during that period was titled, "My wife is furious with me for not standing up for her when my brother told her off" and posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. The original poster goes to some length to describe a conflict between him and his wife. This is the second marriage for each of them and the original poster has one daughter from his previous marriage and his wife has three daughters. The original poster's brother has no kids, but has repeatedly taken the original poster's daughter on exotic trips around the world. His wife's children are jealous of the trips and would like to be included, an idea that the original poster knows is a non-starter with his brother and he warned his wife not to bring up. Nevertheless, the original poster's wife went behind his back to ask his brother to include her daughters in an upcoming trip. The brother responded very rudely and the original poster's wife now wants the original poster to stand up for her. He doesn't want to do that because he feels his wife was wrong, but he is now sleeping in the guest bedroom and wants advice about what to do. Many posters suspected this was a troll thread or copied from Reddit. I have no evidence to support either allegation. However, the original poster only seems to have replied once, which is sort of strange in a 17 page discussion. Most of those responding side with the brother, though some believe that he was unnecessarily rude. A few posters believe that the original poster's relationship with his wife is more important than his relationship with his brother and, therefore, all of the children should go on the trip or none of them. Of course, this being the relationship forum, several posters immediately told the original poster to get a divorce — advice that could be expected regardless of the circumstances.

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "S/O How do you justify having an affair?" and posted in the "Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)" forum. This thread was started amid a horde of similar threads about cheating. As a result, many of those responding assumed the original poster was the author of those other threads and berated her, in many cases assuming that she was a victim of a cheating spouse. However, it appears that the original poster is just someone who likes to start threads willy-nilly and for some reason wanted to put her own spin on the topic rather than join one of the similar threads. The original poster's approach is based on a lot of assumptions that may or may not be correct and her stated goal is simply to know how those who cheat can live with themselves. Very few of the responses address that rather narrow issue. Rather than describing how they live with themselves. posters explain the reasons for the affair. In many cases, this is lack of sex with their spouse and, hence, much of the discussion turns to arguing about the normal frequency of sex between married couples and what constitutes "enough". Affairs are probably the most frequently addressed topic in the forum and nobody should expect anything new to come from a thread such as this. If you are interested in seeing every single debate point ever made on the topic in one place, this thread might be a good candidate given its 24 page length. This thread, like others before it, is full of posters recounting their own experiences of being cheated on.

The college admissions process continues to produce threads that are among the most active. Yesterday's most active thread, for instance, was titled, "Anyone else thinks the whole college admission process is a total farse?" and posted in the "College and University Discussion" forum. The original poster, who presumably meant "farce", assures us that she is not bitter but rather feeling helpless about the college application process which apparently has not gone well for her child. She is most bothered by claims that colleges review applications "holistically" which she does not believe is possible given the huge number of applications that they receive. In her view, colleges are lying to kids. Just about anyone whose child didn't get admitted to their first choice college seems to dislike the current application process. However, there is little agreement about what to do about it. Some posters want to adopt a system like that in Europe in which admissions are primarily based on the results of a single exam. Others propose limiting the number of colleges that can be included on the common application. Many posters are convinced that colleges are intentionally marketing themselves to students who will never be accepted simply to collect the application fees. Other posters attempted to explain how they think the process actually works. If they are correct, which I have no way of knowing, the original poster is essentially correct that the vast majority of applications don't undergo holistic reviews. Some posters argue that if students correctly set their expectations, they will get into one of their targeted colleges. Similarly, posters suggest that college admissions are too often tied to parents desires and egos rather than what is realistic for their children. This causes undo pressure and leads to disappointment.

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "Having an overweight teenage daughter is so hard" and posted in the "Tweens and Teens" forum. The original poster is venting because her 16-year-old daughter is overweight and getting heavier day by day. The poster makes clear that she has not said anything to her daughter about this, but is concerned because her daughter gets very little exercise and, despite eating healthy food, has gone up 4 pants sizes in the past year. The original poster is very discouraged and not sure what, if anything, to do. One of the first things I learned after we started DCUM is how much the first response in a new thread can influence the resulting discussion. Another unhelpful phenomenon is a negative poster who joins the thread early and insists on contributing endlessly. This thread suffered from both of these blights. Not only the first, but also the second response were nearly identical suggestions that the original poster should herself get therapy. I thought that both responses were inappropriate due their implication that the original poster's concern was not valid. Moreover, one of the two posters turned out to be one of those who treats a DCUM thread the way a starved pitbull might treat a raw steak. Once she got her teeth into it, there was no way she was letting go. So, while other posters offered the original poster support and advice for how best to address the situation, this poster continued to focus her acrimony on the original poster. Thirteen pages in, she was still repeating the same criticisms of the original poster that she posted on the first page. As a result, the thread is as much a debate about the original poster as it is a discussion her daughter's weight gain. Weight, especially a woman's weight, is an extremely touchy subject on DCUM at the best of times. Add in an argumentative poster like the one I've described and it is no surprise that the thread was the most active of the day.

Leaving out threads that have already been discussed, the most active thread yesterday was titled, "Question for those opposed to legacy status" and posted in the "College and University Discussion" forum. The poster poses several questions to those who oppose legacy preferences for college admissions. When I read this post I thought that the original poster must not understand the topic of legacy admissions because the poster seemed oblivious to what legacy preferences provide. The first poster to respond to the thread seemed to be thinking along the same lines, beginning the post, "Not rocket science." For the benefit of those who, like the original poster, may be confused about this topic, a legacy preference is a preference given to college applicants who have a parent that attended the institution. This is often seen as a type of affirmative action for the wealthy, white, and well-connected. While the original poster seems to believe that responses to legacy admissions would be complex and potentially unworkable, opponents of legacy preferences view the issue quite simply: just ignore legacy status. This thread is 10 pages long and I don't have time to read much of it. But, from what I have seen, most of those responding oppose legacy preferences. Many explanations are offered to explain what is wrong with the practice. The only defense of legacy admissions that I noticed was sort of half-hearted, just pointing out that universities rely on alumni for fundraising and wondering how that might be impacted. Essentially, it looks like the original poster lobbed a softball directly over the plate and posters couldn't wait to step up and hit it out of the park. Hence, lots of responses mostly saying the same thing.

Today I'll look at the most active threads over the weekend, starting with a thread titled, "2023 - 2024 school calendar" and posted in the "Fairfax County Public Schools (FCPS)" forum. School calendars are a surprisingly controversial issue and each of our various school forums tends to have multiple contentious threads on the topic. In this case, the calendars in question are draft proposals for Fairfax County Public Schools which were published last week. School calendars must address a daunting number of often conflicting priorities. For many, the most important factor is for school calendars to align with work calendars so that parents and children are off at the same times. Others prioritize religious or cultural holidays. Some value long breaks that allow time for travel while others prefer short breaks that cause less interruption to the learning process. Everyone thinks there are too many days off while still demanding that their favorite days off remain. FCPS has presented four draft calendars that attempt to reconcile these differing preferences in alternative ways. Not surprisingly, all of the drafts have their fans and detractors. Probably the most intersting aspect of this thread is the justifications posters concoct for their preferred days off. For instance, I can't imagine that a large number of FCPS families are travelling cross-country by car lugging a cooler full of food and staying at Motel 6s along the way, which was why one poster claimed to require a two-week Christmas break. A few, maybe, but enough to justify planning a calendar around? Doubtful.

On Sundays my practice has been to review the most active threads from the previous week. Out of the top 15 threads from the past week, 11 have already been discussed in daily posts. So, I will just go over the four remaining threads. The first of those was titled, "Travel on Social Media" and posted in the "Travel Discussion" forum. The original poster simply asks if others post their travel photos on social media and whether they enjoy seeing other's travel pictures on social media. As can be expected, posting travel pictures has its fans and detractors. One of the reasons frequently cited for not posting such photos was safety. Posters don't want the world knowing when they are out of town. Others described posting travel photos as "gauche". On the "pro" side were posters that said they received ideas and inspiration from travel photos posted by their friends and hope that their own photos gave ideas to others. An interesting development in this thread was how much of the discussion was not about posting travel photos specifically, but rather the reaction by others to such posting. For instance, there were disputes about whether posting travel photos made others jealous. Posters detailed how they might mock those who posted travel photos behind their backs, provoking responses calling them "unhinged" or "seething". Posters debated whether unfollowing or muting posters who post travel photos is rude or a reasonable reaction. Some posters attempted to draw distinctions between posting one or two photos of an occasional trip and posting full-fledged photo albums constantly. The first could be tolerated but not the second.