Our nanny just quit, without notice. RSS feed

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[Post New]09/10/2013 13:07
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Anonymous
By the way, I know you feel "put out" that your nanny quit w/out giving you full notice OP, but this situation fully warranted it.

Your nanny just got to the point where she couldn't handle another day of being micromanaged and it just got to her.

Try to put yourself in her shoes.
[Post New]09/10/2013 14:33
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:By the way, I know you feel "put out" that your nanny quit w/out giving you full notice OP, but this situation fully warranted it.

Your nanny just got to the point where she couldn't handle another day of being micromanaged and it just got to her.

Try to put yourself in her shoes.


In what profession, ever, is getting fed up reason not to give two weeks notice? Isn't that how every single person feels when they decide to quit?
[Post New]09/10/2013 15:05
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:By the way, I know you feel "put out" that your nanny quit w/out giving you full notice OP, but this situation fully warranted it.

Your nanny just got to the point where she couldn't handle another day of being micromanaged and it just got to her.

Try to put yourself in her shoes.


In what profession, ever, is getting fed up reason not to give two weeks notice? Isn't that how every single person feels when they decide to quit?


In a profession where you never truly know, contract or not, if your two weeks notice will actually turn into your last day. Too many nannies have been burned by unreasonable families and simply aren't paid enough to be able to afford two weeks unpaid. It's a crappy part of the field, but a reality none the less.
[Post New]09/10/2013 15:51
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:By the way, I know you feel "put out" that your nanny quit w/out giving you full notice OP, but this situation fully warranted it.

Your nanny just got to the point where she couldn't handle another day of being micromanaged and it just got to her.

Try to put yourself in her shoes.


In what profession, ever, is getting fed up reason not to give two weeks notice? Isn't that how every single person feels when they decide to quit?


In a profession where you never truly know, contract or not, if your two weeks notice will actually turn into your last day. Too many nannies have been burned by unreasonable families and simply aren't paid enough to be able to afford two weeks unpaid. It's a crappy part of the field, but a reality none the less.


I can understand this perspective, but people are not citing this as the reason in many cases. They are just saying, "I can't stand another day - and I don't owe that woman anything."

The problem you point out is a real one, if this board is any indication. I see MBs and nannies on here regularly dismissing the need to give each other two weeks of notice, as if any sort of offence warrants firing on the spot/walking off the job. This is really unfortunate, because if this is how things operate in the real world (off this board), it means that both sides are always wondering which person needs to deliver a preemptive strike. I wonder how many jobs are quit or lost simply because people are trying to guess at each other's impending decisions.
[Post New]09/10/2013 21:22
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Anonymous
You hired her when you worked out of the home, then you started working from home? I would have cringed when told that. Also 2 outings a week? That is a bit controlling! My boss gives me free reign to do as I please and encourages me to get out as much as possible! I hit the jack lot as far as MB's go... She never micromanages or questions my decisions. She also works from home 1 day a week and closes her door and literally disappears, I am in charge 100%... I handle all issues with the kids and keep them occupied/entertained so there is not an issue with knowing mom is home.
[Post New]09/10/2013 21:32
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Anonymous
OP needs some child development training.
[Post New]09/10/2013 22:21
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get attacked, but please just focus on the ones that are constructive.

That sucks that you were dumped without notice, completely agree. You do have to acknowledge, however, that her job completely changed from what she had originally accepted. It sounds like the job became a poor match for her. So it sucks, but let that one go and focus on being a better employer for your next nanny.

You do not have to be less engaged and there certainly are successful WAH parent/nanny relationships, but I can completely see how a nanny, who is trying her best to form a connection with a child, would become very very frustrated if every time a 14mo fussed, mom would run out of the office and cuddle with her. If you want it to work, you need to stop that. It doesn't mean you're not engaged, it means that you hired someone you trust to take the best care of your child and you need to let that person be the one to handle your fussing child during your work hours.

Even a 14mo who has the best mother ever is going to fuss sometimes. In fact, don't you want her to fuss sometimes? What if she wants to pour a box of Cheerios on the floor, your nanny says no, and she starts pouting and throwing a tantrum. In that case, she needs to be left to pout. You have to trust that when you hear pouting or crying, it's not always that your nanny is ignoring your child or mistreating her. It could be completely legitimate. Again, you need to find someone you trust and let her work.

I also think you need to rethink your restriction on keeping your child home. I agree that a 14mo doesn't need to be out of the house all day, every day, but why can't they be out every morning at the playground or library or where ever? A 14mo would probably be happy going new places with her happy nanny and everyone wins. Am I reading your correctly that two out of four days a week your nanny and child are inside all day? Doing what? Can you clarify the reason for this restriction?

OP, let's have a productive discussion about this and hopefully you can get to a place where you can feel good about how engaged you are and also have a nanny feel trusted and able to do their job.


As someone who was a nanny for a WAHM for 4 years, I think this is an excellent post. The relationship between a WAHM and a nanny is a delicate one. I hope you can find helpful suggestions from others.

19:39, could you please offer up some thoughts and specifics on why you feel your situation worked, where as most others, don't? Something beyond the 'we respected each other', even though that's certainly part of the equation. Thank you.


I'm sorry; I'm just now seeing this. I will be happy to share why I think our situation worked so well. First and foremost, we genuinely liked each other. When you are in a situation with a nanny and WAHM it's important that you get along. You're going to be spending a lot of time together. It's not the same as hiring someone who is great with the kids. It's more like a roommate situation.

We had very similar parenting styles. It was rare that we clashed on how to handle a situation.

We had open communication. There were times we needed to have uncomfortable conversations but we had mutual respect and our main priority was the kids. Mom knew I cared about the kids as if they were my own and I knew they viewed me as family.

I was in charge when I was there. End of story. In 4 years there were VERY few times where I felt as if she undermined me. From the beginning the kids were taught that when I was there, Mom was working and I was the boss. This is key. We were consistent. There were times they'd test it and try to pull one over on us but we didn't let them get away with it.

Mom allowed me to make my own routines and have my own way of doing things. I didn't feel like I was being watched or micromanaged. I was able to come and go freely just as I would have if she wasn't there.

I hope this helps!
[Post New]09/10/2013 22:27
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Anonymous


Thank you, 22:21. This should be worth
$1,000,000.
to any work at home parent
who really wants to make it work.

[Post New]09/10/2013 22:32
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NisforNanny

Member Offline
OP, It sounds like your first nanny ceased to be a good fit for your family's needs when your family's needs changed. I agree it would have been great if she'd instead emailed you asking for a way to make a notice period work work for both of you. From your description of the situation, if sounds like resigning was an appropriate decision.

I've worked with a couple of WAHP, some of which have been VERY pleasant and professional work settings. I think it's great that you have the ability to be hands-on with your child while maintaining your work obligations. In order to encourage a healthy relationship with your next nanny and between your nanny and child, I'd like to suggest the following:

1.) Set up a workspace for yourself that is separate from where your nanny and child typically spend their time. They should be able to go to the playroom, kitchen, bathroom (potty training isn't that far off!), and child's bedroom without your child seeing you. You should have a door, which remains closed while you are working - a visual cue that you are not available. Some parents whom I've worked for have used a white noise machine in their office to block out sound, as I know a toddler can be as distracting to a parent as the parent to the toddler.

2.) In the mornings, say goodbye to your child, tell her that you love her and when you will see her next. Help your child become more confident and secure in her attachment to you by learning that you are reliable and consistent - especially when you are not present. A good nanny will reinforce this while you are working.

3.) Make sure that your child has engaging activities while you are working. You will think about each other a lot less if you are both doing productive things. Playing and developing relationships with non-family members are important skills for your daughter to develop and are developmentally appropriate. Depending on what's available in your area, I would consider relaxing your standard about time out of the house to make leaving the house part of your child's daily routine. I am considering things like "taking child on a walk to look for red things" an outing; not every outing needs to be an event.

4.) Develop a consistent routine for your child/nanny/self, even if the durations of each activity vary day-by-day. When I worked for WAHP, this was key. The kids generally knew that their parent was home, but knew exactly what to expect and when to expect it. Because they understood their routine, they were comfortable with it. Figure out what parts of your child's day are most important to be involved in and coordinate those with your nanny. (e.g., Do you want to nurse your child when she wakes up from her nap? Do you want to say good night before nap or put her to bed? Join for lunch? Have Mother-Daughter lunches on Tuesdays?)

5.) During your time with your daughter, try to be very positive about your nanny and her time with your daughter. Prime your daughter for this to be positive and your nanny to feel supported.

6.) Don't pop in on whims or if your daughter is fussing. I'm sorry, I realize that this is your daughter, but as a nanny, I personally find this incredibly frustrating and undermining. Your daughter is a toddler and is going to vocally express frustration and upset. Some of these times it might be entirely appropriate for you to soothe her. Many of these times it is not. PP gave the example of perhaps she is fussing because she isn't allowed to dump out a box of cereal - or maybe in a few months she did dump a box of cereal and nanny is expecting her to help clean the mess. In these instances, your intervention would likely be distracting and detrimental. Hire a nanny whom you trust to know when to call you and be specific about when you want to be called. If you want to be available to your daughter when she falls down, tell Nanny that and work out a system so she contacts you in those instances. Respond to NANNY'S calls, not CHILD'S. I recognize that that is very easy for me to type and that I do not understand how hard it would be to implement, but I believe this trust is probably the most important component in a successful WAHP/Child/Nanny relationship.

7.) During the day, consider communicating with your nanny via text messaging. I know it seems kind of lame, but it's a fairly non-invasive way for you to get updates and it sounds like you need/want updates. Definitely ask a potential nanny about this prior to hire (and potentially offer to cover a texting plan, if she would incur additional charges) but I've used this as a way to communicate with a WAHP while we're in different rooms of the house - it was less disruptive to her child and in gave me autonomy in that child's eyes. I didn't always love sending/receiving a ton of texts as part of my work day, but recognized that sometimes WAHP needed to know why her child was screaming in order to be able to focus on her work (it was almost always because I wouldn't give him the chop block of knives) and to coordinate with her on the days that she joined us for lunch. Even if she texted me thirty seconds before coming down for lunch, it allowed me to tell the child that Mommy was going to have lunch with us - versus her magically appearing.

8.) When interviewing, be very clear with candidates that you are a WAHP and involved in your child's life, including during the nanny's workday. While this may eliminate some candidates, it will only eliminate the ones who would not be a good fit for your needs. Discuss at length their ideas to make this healthy and productive for everyone.

Good luck OP!

[Post New]09/10/2013 22:33
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NisforNanny

Member Offline
I absolutely agree with 22:21 - and she's much more concise than I was!
[Post New]09/10/2013 22:35
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Anonymous
How in the world has OP gotten FOUR pages of responses to a post so obviously trolling (after the recent nanny complaint of 1 day of a WAHM). you guys are nuts for thinking this was legit.
[Post New]09/10/2013 22:45
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:How in the world has OP gotten FOUR pages of responses to a post so obviously trolling (after the recent nanny complaint of 1 day of a WAHM). you guys are nuts for thinking this was legit.

You continued rant here is suspicious. Why do you keep coming back here?
[Post New]09/10/2013 22:47
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Anonymous
Protential nannies need to be convinced that work at home parents are extremely self-deciplined, IMO.
[Post New]09/10/2013 23:21
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Anonymous
Whenever I hear of nanny quitting without notice, I think of the MB who probably made her life miserable.
[Post New]09/11/2013 00:35
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Anonymous
I don't even know what else to say. It seems most people have said it all already (just going by the first page).

OP, you really need to learn how to give your (new) nanny some space (and don't restrict activities outside the house as much). It will be hard to find someone that is willing to work for a WAHM (which can be tough on it's own), with all the extra stuff on top of it, it will be even harder. Let the nanny be a nanny already, it's what you are paying her to do.
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