Host family leaving for a vacation without the Au Pair
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Anonymous
I hope that when you speak with your host family, you share these things first instead of just starting out the conversation by saying "this isn't working; I am asking for rematch," as you have implied in previous posts (that is, it sounds like you already made up your mind, which is not a productive way to enter into a conversation about how you might try to work out your problems). Part of any new relationship working out is communication - and it sounds like you haven't expressed your feelings to your host family yet. You are certain to have some issues with any new host family you may match with (though they may be different issues), and the only way to get past issues in any relationship is with communication. If - after talking out a problem - the problem can't be solved, then separation may be necessary. Here are a few things I am wondering about/ have comments about: (1) Did you know approximately what your schedule would be (working till 9:30 most nights, including Saturdays) before you matched? Now, this is not an ideal schedule for sure in terms of your social life, and even if you agreed to it, I can see that you'd be unhappy with it once you actually experience it. But in terms of justifying rematch (and explaining this to new host families) - this is harder if you made the decision to match knowing that this would be your schedule. (I would also point out that the State Department requires at least one full weekend off per month. So if you are really working EVERY Saturday until 9:30, that is a violation of the rules, and the host family cannot require you to work that fourth Saturday each month. If the host family won't change that, then I do believe this would be valid grounds for rematch.) (2) Have you spoken with the host family seriously about your concerns with their child kicking you? This IS serious - and could be a true justification for rematch if the host family will not work with you on this. A seven year old should not be displaying this kind of behavior, and a seven year old's kick can hurt! OR - is this something that happened once, in the situation you describe with the host dad laughing? It is still something that needs to be raised and resolved (including the host dad's response), but if it was a one time thing - it's a bit different. (3) Did you know that the host dad would be working at home when you matched? I know this is a hard situation to deal with - even if you knew about it before matching. You may not have anticipated the difficulties. But - this alone isn't grounds for rematch, especially if you have made no effort until now to try to speak to your host family about how to work out these issues. This is also something that will be hard to justify to new host families, because many people work from home, or have other home-life situations that you may find challenging to work with. But if you can't initiate a conversation about it - you will have trouble with any new family. (3) You never really did answer those of us who were curious as to whether you could afford a several thousand dollar trip to Mexico, if only the family would invite you along. Would you really have offered to the host family that you really really want to come along to Mexico and will pay your way, no matter the cost? (4) You also still haven't shown that the host family can afford to take you on this trip, even if it would have been appropriate for them to do so. Having a "nice house" in a Philadelphia suburb does not a rich family make. What makes you think it would be affordable for them to take you? (5) Do you know the details and circumstances of this wedding? It could have been planned long before the family matched with you, tickets purchased, etc. And it may be a very intimate family affair (NOT your host family, their extended family - who doesn't know you, and who didn't sign up with a cultural exchange program to have you as part of "their" family), and the host family perhaps would not have felt right bringing you, EVEN if they wanted to and could afford it. (We actually had a similar situation that we felt really bad about; my cousin invited us to a beach vacation that would not have been expensive to bring our au pair to because it was at my cousin's house and we could drive there, and we really wanted to bring our au pair along, but my cousin said "no" - they didn't want another person there. Even though there was plenty of room, etc. We actually felt ashamed that our cousins were being so unwelcoming, so we tried to minimize the situation, which our au pair could have interpreted as "we didn't want her along as part of the family," when actually that wasn't the case.) Perhaps you would find some of this out if you discussed with the host family. And of course - as so many of us have pointed out - complaining about this particular situation will NOT make you look good on rematch. (6) Did the host family actually "order" you to stay home to let the workmen in, or did they ask? Again, this is something that probably could be easily resolved with discussion. Obviously this is not part of your job, and should not be expected of you, and you could say no (especially if there are other factors involved, such as that staying in the house with unknown people entering every day makes you uncomfortable). Though, as another poster pointed out, when the relationship between host family and au pair is good and lines of communication are open, these kind of things will often just be little bits of give and take here and there that are done out of good will. For instance, you seem to be getting a week of extra vacation time on top of your two weeks. As others have also pointed out - you could see this as a great benefit and you could have a great time getting to know your new city and making new friends. (I pointed out that according to State Department regulations, you haven't actually earned any vacation yet, so this is a real added benefit to you, if you chose to view it that way.) (7) You say that you want to hang out with the family, but then you complain that they did not give you a TV in your room and are bored because you don't want to hang out with the family and watch TV with them because you assume you won't like what they watch. To me, you are being very contradictory; they have invited you to watch TV with them as part of the family, and you refuse, yet complain they aren't welcoming you as part of the family. But also - this is something you could discuss with them. It could be that they have an extra TV in the house that they would put in your room if you asked, or a computer that you could watch shows on Hulu, etc. (And again, if you have enough money to pay $1000s to go on a Mexican vacation, I'm sure you could buy a cheap TV or tablet for yourself to watch shows on.) (8) Honestly, as others have also pointed out - it sounds from your behavior and attitude that you really may just be depressed and homesick, and so all of these things seem bigger than they are. Getting out and making friends and exploring - and talking to your host family - are ways to conquer this. If you are depressed and homesick, a new family will not make things better. (9) You DO sound cavalier in your attitude about rematch. You think, because your area director told you that now is a big rematch time, that there are lots of families just dying to have you as their au pair. And if you and the area director hide all of these things from the new family - that is, your true attitude and seeming immaturity - you may very well find a new match. But you will be in rematch again very quickly if you aren't able to get over your depression, homesickness, and what seems like a somewhat immature attitude and inability to communicate. Also - don't forget that new families can contact your current host family. So yours may not be the only side of the story the new families hear. (And if you refuse to give your current host family's contact information to families you interview with, I can guarantee they will not want to rematch with you. That is a big "red flag," because it shows you are hiding something.) |
Anonymous
| This is interesting because I haven't thought the replies were snarky at all. Nearly all of the six pages worth of responses agreed with OP that her situation sounded tough for her. Nearly all offered very useful and constructive guidance. It was only when OP changed in three days from describing her host family as kind and eager to make her feel comfortable (read her first posting) to deciding to rematch without even telling the HF that there was an issue at all, that people starting to suggest - gently at first - that maybe OP was acting a little impulsively and maybe had unrealistic expectations for the program. You can dismiss six pages of sincere, engaged feedback as "snarky immature moms" or you can read what nearly all say, and that is that the OP isn't handling this situation in a way that might help her grow and learn. In the end, it's entirely OP's choice what to make out of this situation: she can learn from her own mistakes and from what it means to be in an incompatible situation and how best to handle it, or she can decide that anyone who disagrees with her is a "snarky immature mom" and not learn or grow. Her choice. |
Anonymous
| Do any of you really think there's hope for parents of a child who kicks the au pair? You seem not to have any experience with that sort of thing. Seriously, it's one thing for your child to kick you, but doing that to an au pair is a whole different ball game. Get real. |
Anonymous
I think most of the responders here have agreed that if a child (a seven year old!) kicks the AP and the host family refuses to deal with it, that this is really true grounds for rematch (or at least REALLY serious mediation, with rematch imminent if the family doesn't address it). But based on follow-up posts from OP, I am now wondering if the kicking is actually a persistent problem, or a one-time thing that simply needs to be addressed and resolved. (Even one time is not acceptable, obviously, if the host dad just laughs. But one time is objectively different than a child who does this all the time with no repercussions.) |
Anonymous
| Rematch? You mean give the sick family another au pair to kick? Now I think you're sick to. |
Anonymous
Meaning give the au pair an opportunity to rematch with a new family whose child won't kick her. Cool it. |
Anonymous
And what happens to the family, do you suppose? They get their money back? |
Anonymous
It depends. If they get kicked out of the agency for not following rules and bad behavior toward an AP, they do not get their money back. With many agencies, they don't get their money back whether they are officially "kicked out" or not (i.e. choose not to try for another AP). If the agency determines that this kicking situation was not actually an abusive situation (e.g. happened only once, family addressed it during mediation, both sides of the story were taken into account, no actual injuries sustained, etc.), the family will be allowed to re-match. If they do, they don't get their money back; they get another AP. With many agencies, if they can't find another AP, they are SOL and won't get their money back. But you weren't actually looking for a real answer, were you? |
Anonymous
| Kicking an adult is not normal behavior at any age. |
Anonymous
| Having read this entire thread, my guess is that the son may have stuck his foot out at the AP once, the dad saw it and recognized it for the joke it was, and consequently laughed. This AP has blown everything else out of proportion or at least grossly misunderstood circumstances. I have no reason to think that the "kicking" incident isn't just another example of the same. |
Anonymous
You're the laughing parent, huh? |
Anonymous
| Not at all. I'm the parent who thinks this AP's perceptions have pretty much nothing to do with reality. |
Anonymous
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I think most of the replies here are from host families who think taking the host families side is the patriotic thing to do.
If this was a post from an American au pair complaining about working conditions in Spain or Mexico, the replies would have been very different But I agree the au pair should rematch. There are better things to do when you are young than spend a year in a Philly suburb trapped in someones house |
Anonymous
Indeed. Such as having your visa revoked and going back to your country of origin when you can't find a family who will rematch with you if you persist in certain attitudes. It's not about being "patriotic." It's about the complaints themselves. |
Anonymous
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Do families get their money back when AP takes car without asking for permission (family lives in city so there is no AP car) and smashes it? Do families get their money back when they have to refinish their floor because AP was taking a shower and putting on makeup as opposed to supervising children during playdate? Do families get their money back when AP is busted by parent of classmate as AP loses kids at playground because of non-stop 20 minutes of texting?
We only experienced once of those but learned about other 2 through LCC. I think some HFs are abhorrent as are some APs. A PP on here believes it is only the former. |