I don't know what to do...

[Anonymous]

Hired a nanny in July. She is fine. She is not the most go-gettery and does not take a lot of initiative, but she does what she is asked. The girls are safe. The oldest likes her a lot. The youngest likes her. I work both inside and outside the house. When I am home, I hear them play - it is not as boisterous as our previous nanny, but it does not seem like she is ignoring them. They do art projects. I came home today and she had made the little one a color matching game with cubes. She reads to them and seems to really like my kids.

As a person in my home, she is just "meh". She is hard to talk to. Like super shy. I thought she would be more open and outgoing with the kids, but she is just on the very mellow, quiet side. She does not take any initiative - example, one day I was eating a quick lunch. The three girls were running around the kitchen and high energy playing. They had finished eating. I suggested to them that they might want to play outside if they wanted to play at that noise level. They said no they would play inside. They continued to play chase and yell. Nanny did not intervene to redirect their play, engage them in something else, or take them outside. She just stood awkwardly off to the side. I finally told the girls they had to go outside and she followed them.

All of these things would be tolerable, but, the middle one really does not like her. There is nothing she can tell me that is "wrong" other than she is not our old nanny. But, still three months later, she cries when the new nanny arrives, talks all the time about the old nanny, says she wishes the new nanny didn't come to work, and has a hard time with transitions because she is not excited to go with the new nanny to do anything. Even things she likes doing. And since new nanny does not take much initiative, she is not coming with new ideas to entice the middle one. By the middle of the day, the middle has generally warmed to her and is playing.

If she was wow-ing me, I would just think more time for the middle to adjust would be worth it. If she was doing anything wrong or not taking feedback and the middle didn't like her, it would feel easier to let her go. But, I don't really have feedback, since take more initiative isn't really a thing you can tell people.

I don't know how fair it is to let her go or if that is even the right move, but it hurts my heart that my middle does not like her and she is just adequate. Which maybe that is ok? I would prefer her to be more amazing, but not every person is amazing. Some days I hope that nanny will tell me she wants to move on a quit. Which I know makes me a coward.

Anyway. This is my first time with this situation and I don't know what to do.

Looking for a new nanny is hard. We would have to involve the kids in the process to see if another nanny would be the right move, but then it would not be a secret to current nanny that we were looking. The oldest had a hard time when the old nanny left, so another nanny leaving would be tricky and she would need a lot of lead time for goodbye, which again makes stealth interviewing more of a challenge. And letting someone go for being fine and not having any feedback also feels not great.
Gah! Any advice is welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hired a nanny in July. She is fine. She is not the most go-gettery and does not take a lot of initiative, but she does what she is asked. The girls are safe. The oldest likes her a lot. The youngest likes her. I work both inside and outside the house. When I am home, I hear them play - it is not as boisterous as our previous nanny, but it does not seem like she is ignoring them. They do art projects. I came home today and she had made the little one a color matching game with cubes. She reads to them and seems to really like my kids.

As a person in my home, she is just "meh". She is hard to talk to. Like super shy. I thought she would be more open and outgoing with the kids, but she is just on the very mellow, quiet side. She does not take any initiative - example, one day I was eating a quick lunch. The three girls were running around the kitchen and high energy playing. They had finished eating. I suggested to them that they might want to play outside if they wanted to play at that noise level. They said no they would play inside. They continued to play chase and yell. Nanny did not intervene to redirect their play, engage them in something else, or take them outside. She just stood awkwardly off to the side. I finally told the girls they had to go outside and she followed them.

All of these things would be tolerable, but, the middle one really does not like her. There is nothing she can tell me that is "wrong" other than she is not our old nanny. But, still three months later, she cries when the new nanny arrives, talks all the time about the old nanny, says she wishes the new nanny didn't come to work, and has a hard time with transitions because she is not excited to go with the new nanny to do anything. Even things she likes doing. And since new nanny does not take much initiative, she is not coming with new ideas to entice the middle one. By the middle of the day, the middle has generally warmed to her and is playing.

If she was wow-ing me, I would just think more time for the middle to adjust would be worth it. If she was doing anything wrong or not taking feedback and the middle didn't like her, it would feel easier to let her go. But, I don't really have feedback, since take more initiative isn't really a thing you can tell people.

I don't know how fair it is to let her go or if that is even the right move, but it hurts my heart that my middle does not like her and she is just adequate. Which maybe that is ok? I would prefer her to be more amazing, but not every person is amazing. Some days I hope that nanny will tell me she wants to move on a quit. Which I know makes me a coward.

Anyway. This is my first time with this situation and I don't know what to do.

Looking for a new nanny is hard. We would have to involve the kids in the process to see if another nanny would be the right move, but then it would not be a secret to current nanny that we were looking. The oldest had a hard time when the old nanny left, so another nanny leaving would be tricky and she would need a lot of lead time for goodbye, which again makes stealth interviewing more of a challenge. And letting someone go for being fine and not having any feedback also feels not great.
Gah! Any advice is welcome.

Why did YOU not immediately redirect the play? You were right there and they are your children. And why do you need silence to eat lunch? You aren’t taking conference calls. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Looking for a new nanny sucks. I have also had so-so nannies. Are you paying her super well? If so, I think I’d let her go. I paid a nanny $30/hr for my 2 and 4 year olds and she just put on TV all day - I let her go after 3 weeks. But if you’re paying her a more meager salary, temper your expectations. 3 active kids is a lot.

Think about if there’s anything you can do to play up nanny’s strengths.

Get some evening/weekend babysitters and see if your middle child likes them more.

Every nanny is different. Usually when one moves on, I am refreshed to find a new one with different strengths.

[Anonymous]

I agree in this market the going rate is solidly $28-30+ and if you are paying under that, your expectations should be scaled down accordingly. I do think there's some things to be said about having a more reserved nanny. Sometimes kids match their quiet tone, no drama, no blurred lines between employer/employee.

But, at the end of the day, not every nanny is a fit for every family.

[Anonymous]

1. It's now a challenge for a Nanny do her job with parents working from home. If you are around all the house working in common spaces.

2. It's even harder for a Nanny to make the children bond with her and It's a nightmare when the kids are misbehave, rude and don't lister to the Nanny, bcs they know parents are present in the house and little by little a Nanny is losing authority; bcs they kids never lister to her.

3. It's always impossible to ask the 3 children like completely a new Nanny. Every single child has their own personality and there are always chances one of the children no like her enough.

4. Keep in mind. Your kids will never bond completely with the new Nanny. Mainly because your children are older already.

5. Most of the Nannies will always prefer to start with a Newborn to bond with them and avoid having this issues with a family, like you are having it now. When you start with a baby the relationship and bonding; It will never be the same, than when you start with older kids. Older kids, will never behaved, will never listen, or will never bond with a new nanny everytime.

6. You have gone through Different Nannies (2 or 3?) Not a good sign. This is not healthy for a kid.

So Do Not expect, every single Nanny that you will hire; will be able to bond deeply with your 3 children, since they are older already. No babies. It will always be one kid that might no like her so much than the other siblings. And DO NOT blame the nanny. If she doesn't take any initiative; it's simple, you are always there, not letting her doing her work and your middle child just maybe say doesn't like her, bcs she has other option. Mom or dad always are in the house to go to her rescue, and not helping the Nanny at all, to encourage your kids bonding with the nanny.

If you don't like her or your poor little girl is suffering so much as you meant, just be honest and let her go; even though the Nanny is not doing something wrong. You are the one who is Wrong. Just let her go, so this Nanny finally, can find a better fit with a Great Family who really appreciate her very much. Wishing this Nanny the best finding a Newborn.

[Anonymous]

She probably feels you watching her all the time and that can be a lot for a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. It's now a challenge for a Nanny do her job with parents working from home. If you are around all the house working in common spaces.

2. It's even harder for a Nanny to make the children bond with her and It's a nightmare when the kids are misbehave, rude and don't lister to the Nanny, bcs they know parents are present in the house and little by little a Nanny is losing authority; bcs they kids never lister to her.

3. It's always impossible to ask the 3 children like completely a new Nanny. Every single child has their own personality and there are always chances one of the children no like her enough.

4. Keep in mind. Your kids will never bond completely with the new Nanny. Mainly because your children are older already.

5. Most of the Nannies will always prefer to start with a Newborn to bond with them and avoid having this issues with a family, like you are having it now. When you start with a baby the relationship and bonding; It will never be the same, than when you start with older kids. Older kids, will never behaved, will never listen, or will never bond with a new nanny everytime.

6. You have gone through Different Nannies (2 or 3?) Not a good sign. This is not healthy for a kid.

So Do Not expect, every single Nanny that you will hire; will be able to bond deeply with your 3 children, since they are older already. No babies. It will always be one kid that might no like her so much than the other siblings. And DO NOT blame the nanny. If she doesn't take any initiative; it's simple, you are always there, not letting her doing her work and your middle child just maybe say doesn't like her, bcs she has other option. Mom or dad always are in the house to go to her rescue, and not helping the Nanny at all, to encourage your kids bonding with the nanny.

If you don't like her or your poor little girl is suffering so much as you meant, just be honest and let her go; even though the Nanny is not doing something wrong. You are the one who is Wrong. Just let her go, so this Nanny finally, can find a better fit with a Great Family who really appreciate her very much. Wishing this Nanny the best finding a Newborn.

This +100.

[Anonymous]

You will be making a big favor to your Nanny letting go. I guess she will really appreciate that. Since it seems you are not the right Fit for her. Now that parents are Teleworking, we will hear How kids complain that the Nanny is the bad person, the bad guy of the story and Nanny is always mean to them; bcs Nanny don't let them do whatever they want. So now, children are entitled to lie and tell their Parents, that they don't want the Nanny around, they don't like the Nanny, Nanny hit them, Nanny is mean to them, Nany is not nice, Nanny it's very bossy and want this Nanny to go away. etc etc etc.

Well... let go your Nanny, she deserves a good family, without stress, without someone who is micromanaging her all the time, less kids and a good environment.

[Anonymous]

You should eat your lunch in your office. She didn't intervene because you were there, honestly you sound bossy and annoying ...

She's doing her job but she's shy, it doesn't mean she's a bad nanny. It's not her fault your middle child misses her former nanny (and by the way why did she leave if she was that good? I'm sure it has to do with you being home, but I'm sure you'll come up with another excuse of course ....)

[Anonymous]

That's right. Why she left? If she was a great nanny for you. A great and happy Nanny will never leave if she is treated with respect by parents and by children happy, happy and mainly if parents work from home the have a set office with a closed door.

The first thing I can tell you, working with multiples kids before and after school with parents working from home; it's really stressful as one of the PP said. Now we can see how nannies are running away with those positions with large families and parents always involved. Since the nanny can no be the boss can can not be in charge totally of the children.

Honestly, I think this is the reason why your good Nanny left. She must be having a good time working probably with less kids and luckily only 1 parent working from home with a set office with close door; who always will be in common spaces just for a quick lunch in kitchen and come back straight to their office and keep working. No matter if this parent hear, their children whining, crying, having a hard time, misbehaving, yelling or just happy playing. This is why you hire a Nanny. To be in charge and control all situations without you, on her back.

[Anonymous]

You should be grateful, to have found a nanny willing to work for your family; with multiple and older kids and parents working from home. For me it would be no thanks.

[Anonymous]

I imagine if she’s shy by nature it’s even harder for her to be assertive when you’re sitting right there. Maybe try giving her a bit more space and see how it evolves from there.

[Anonymous]

With all due respect OP - I think you need to set certain boundaries on your end.

Working for a family where even one of the parents telecommute can be very stressful.

There are many reasons for this, and one of them is that the Nanny may feel pressured to keep the children in her care quiet as not to disturb her employer while he/she is working.

Your Nanny likely feels a little micromanaged (who could blame her though?!) that you told your daughters that they were too busy & that they needed to go outside.
For you to tell your children that they are making too much noise to be inside the house is overstepping your boundaries.
It conflicts w/any autonomy that your Nanny is entitled to.

I would simply grab a quick lunch > then take it + eat it in another part of your house.
Leave ALL the childcare duties for the Nanny.

[Anonymous]

Just let your nanny do her job alone.
Stop watching her every step.
I would have quit if I was her just knowing you are there pretty much all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should be grateful, to have found a nanny willing to work for your family; with multiple and older kids and parents working from home. For me it would be no thanks.

Same here