I don't know what to do...

[Anonymous]

OP here- Thanks for all the replies. It offered some perspectives and also clearly touched on some things that come up for nannies a lot, based on the inferences people were making about not my situation.

I have had 3 total nannies in 8 years. The first was a nanny share for 18 months who retired and moved back to her home country. She had been with the other family for 6 years. Then we did daycare until the pandemic. The second was with us for two years and decided she wanted to go back to college, finish her degree, and become an elementary school teacher. She still comes to all family birthday parties and asks for pictures on milestones (like the first day of school, first day of preschool), so I don't think she left because I was a horrible micromanager who drove her away. She also offers to date night sit for us all the time, which I have avoided doing because of how much the kids are still missing her and I felt that would make it harder for the new nanny after the fact.

The work from home thing is new for me and certainly a dynamic I am battling. I don't come out of my office much. That is why that day stood out so much. I wait until nap time starts to eat my lunch and could not that day. I made a quick yogurt and noticed that the kids were all done with lunch and were clearly in need of an activity - they were running around in a non-productive way and it is a sign from my kids that they need some intervention. For me, "hey lets go outside" or "does anyone want to color" is usually enough to redirect their energy into something productive. I was also trying to model that for the nanny what works for me and talked to her about it at the end of the day that specific type of behavior usually leads to big meltdowns without intervention (the older two start picking with each other, the middle and the toddler get physical....).

However, it seemed to me that people felt that even if they were not doing anything wrong, and I am the problem, that letting nanny go would be best, which was helpful as a perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP here - meant to add - other than one day, I have not really been involved in their day to day because I leave it to the nanny. I only leave the room during nap time or when I text her and tell her I am leaving to go into the office, as a cue to have the girls upstairs so they don't see me. I don't get involved in any of the play or tantrums or anything. But, it is interesting how many people feel that just the idea that I am home is part of the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Don’t feel bad OP, some of the nannies on this board are pretty over the top. Like the PP who said it’s “bad for children” if you have more than one caregiver in their childhood. Uhhh hate to break it to you PP but children often have different caregivers at daycare; in preschool; and - gasp - a new teacher every year. Somehow millions of children are able to transition each year, from preschool to prek to k to elementary, with new teachers, and they are fine.

Also for those saying this nanny needs a new family because OP is clearly a terrible employer, how do you think that will look to new employers? I’m sure as hell not hiring someone who left a job because her employer ate lunch while the kids were around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all the replies. It offered some perspectives and also clearly touched on some things that come up for nannies a lot, based on the inferences people were making about not my situation.

I have had 3 total nannies in 8 years. The first was a nanny share for 18 months who retired and moved back to her home country. She had been with the other family for 6 years. Then we did daycare until the pandemic. The second was with us for two years and decided she wanted to go back to college, finish her degree, and become an elementary school teacher. She still comes to all family birthday parties and asks for pictures on milestones (like the first day of school, first day of preschool), so I don't think she left because I was a horrible micromanager who drove her away. She also offers to date night sit for us all the time, which I have avoided doing because of how much the kids are still missing her and I felt that would make it harder for the new nanny after the fact.

The work from home thing is new for me and certainly a dynamic I am battling. I don't come out of my office much. That is why that day stood out so much. I wait until nap time starts to eat my lunch and could not that day. I made a quick yogurt and noticed that the kids were all done with lunch and were clearly in need of an activity - they were running around in a non-productive way and it is a sign from my kids that they need some intervention. For me, "hey lets go outside" or "does anyone want to color" is usually enough to redirect their energy into something productive. I was also trying to model that for the nanny what works for me and talked to her about it at the end of the day that specific type of behavior usually leads to big meltdowns without intervention (the older two start picking with each other, the middle and the toddler get physical....).

However, it seemed to me that people felt that even if they were not doing anything wrong, and I am the problem, that letting nanny go would be best, which was helpful as a perspective. [/quote

Nanny here; Two things jumped out to me. You could not control the kids when first asking them to go outside, they declined. I think the fact that you are home, a shy nanny won't overide your interaction with your children and will leave it to you when you are present. This is exactly why parents are not allowed in the classrooms. Only one person running the show.
Second, you seem to pacify the middle child, allowing her not to move on with the new nanny and as you say by midday she starts warming up.

I would do a couple of things, either you like the nanny or not. If not move on.
If you think it's workable, then sit the nanny down and have a discussion of your roles, so she does not feel like she would be interveining when you are present and come up with a plan. I personally will never work with a work or stay at home mom ever again. It just does not work for me and many others. So take that into account when trying to hire a new one if you go that route. One of the biggest issues with nanny/employer relationships is communication. Make her feel safe that she can talk to you without risk of losing her job. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hired a nanny in July. She is fine. She is not the most go-gettery and does not take a lot of initiative, but she does what she is asked. The girls are safe. The oldest likes her a lot. The youngest likes her. I work both inside and outside the house. When I am home, I hear them play - it is not as boisterous as our previous nanny, but it does not seem like she is ignoring them. They do art projects. I came home today and she had made the little one a color matching game with cubes. She reads to them and seems to really like my kids.

As a person in my home, she is just "meh". She is hard to talk to. Like super shy. I thought she would be more open and outgoing with the kids, but she is just on the very mellow, quiet side. She does not take any initiative - example, one day I was eating a quick lunch. The three girls were running around the kitchen and high energy playing. They had finished eating. I suggested to them that they might want to play outside if they wanted to play at that noise level. They said no they would play inside. They continued to play chase and yell. Nanny did not intervene to redirect their play, engage them in something else, or take them outside. She just stood awkwardly off to the side. I finally told the girls they had to go outside and she followed them.

All of these things would be tolerable, but, the middle one really does not like her. There is nothing she can tell me that is "wrong" other than she is not our old nanny. But, still three months later, she cries when the new nanny arrives, talks all the time about the old nanny, says she wishes the new nanny didn't come to work, and has a hard time with transitions because she is not excited to go with the new nanny to do anything. Even things she likes doing. And since new nanny does not take much initiative, she is not coming with new ideas to entice the middle one. By the middle of the day, the middle has generally warmed to her and is playing.

If she was wow-ing me, I would just think more time for the middle to adjust would be worth it. If she was doing anything wrong or not taking feedback and the middle didn't like her, it would feel easier to let her go. But, I don't really have feedback, since take more initiative isn't really a thing you can tell people.

I don't know how fair it is to let her go or if that is even the right move, but it hurts my heart that my middle does not like her and she is just adequate. Which maybe that is ok? I would prefer her to be more amazing, but not every person is amazing. Some days I hope that nanny will tell me she wants to move on a quit. Which I know makes me a coward.

Anyway. This is my first time with this situation and I don't know what to do.

Looking for a new nanny is hard. We would have to involve the kids in the process to see if another nanny would be the right move, but then it would not be a secret to current nanny that we were looking. The oldest had a hard time when the old nanny left, so another nanny leaving would be tricky and she would need a lot of lead time for goodbye, which again makes stealth interviewing more of a challenge. And letting someone go for being fine and not having any feedback also feels not great.
Gah! Any advice is welcome.

Why did YOU not immediately redirect the play? You were right there and they are your children. And why do you need silence to eat lunch? You aren’t taking conference calls. Come on.

Nanny didn't want to step on your toes. You want them to be more boisterous... but you don't. So when you told them to go outside, nanny went with them. Make up your mind, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all the replies. It offered some perspectives and also clearly touched on some things that come up for nannies a lot, based on the inferences people were making about not my situation.

I have had 3 total nannies in 8 years. The first was a nanny share for 18 months who retired and moved back to her home country. She had been with the other family for 6 years. Then we did daycare until the pandemic. The second was with us for two years and decided she wanted to go back to college, finish her degree, and become an elementary school teacher. She still comes to all family birthday parties and asks for pictures on milestones (like the first day of school, first day of preschool), so I don't think she left because I was a horrible micromanager who drove her away. She also offers to date night sit for us all the time, which I have avoided doing because of how much the kids are still missing her and I felt that would make it harder for the new nanny after the fact.

The work from home thing is new for me and certainly a dynamic I am battling. I don't come out of my office much. That is why that day stood out so much. I wait until nap time starts to eat my lunch and could not that day. I made a quick yogurt and noticed that the kids were all done with lunch and were clearly in need of an activity - they were running around in a non-productive way and it is a sign from my kids that they need some intervention. For me, "hey lets go outside" or "does anyone want to color" is usually enough to redirect their energy into something productive. I was also trying to model that for the nanny what works for me and talked to her about it at the end of the day that specific type of behavior usually leads to big meltdowns without intervention (the older two start picking with each other, the middle and the toddler get physical....).

However, it seemed to me that people felt that even if they were not doing anything wrong, and I am the problem, that letting nanny go would be best, which was helpful as a perspective.

By refusing to allow the former nanny to babysit, you are creating a dynamic that sets her up as desirable and unattainable, and the new nanny is what the kids just have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Let her go so she can find a new family who appreciates her. She sounds wonderful whereas you find fault and complain about everything. You should be counting your blessings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks for all the replies. It offered some perspectives and also clearly touched on some things that come up for nannies a lot, based on the inferences people were making about not my situation.

I have had 3 total nannies in 8 years. The first was a nanny share for 18 months who retired and moved back to her home country. She had been with the other family for 6 years. Then we did daycare until the pandemic. The second was with us for two years and decided she wanted to go back to college, finish her degree, and become an elementary school teacher. She still comes to all family birthday parties and asks for pictures on milestones (like the first day of school, first day of preschool), so I don't think she left because I was a horrible micromanager who drove her away. She also offers to date night sit for us all the time, which I have avoided doing because of how much the kids are still missing her and I felt that would make it harder for the new nanny after the fact.

The work from home thing is new for me and certainly a dynamic I am battling. I don't come out of my office much. That is why that day stood out so much. I wait until nap time starts to eat my lunch and could not that day. I made a quick yogurt and noticed that the kids were all done with lunch and were clearly in need of an activity - they were running around in a non-productive way and it is a sign from my kids that they need some intervention. For me, "hey lets go outside" or "does anyone want to color" is usually enough to redirect their energy into something productive. I was also trying to model that for the nanny what works for me and talked to her about it at the end of the day that specific type of behavior usually leads to big meltdowns without intervention (the older two start picking with each other, the middle and the toddler get physical....).

However, it seemed to me that people felt that even if they were not doing anything wrong, and I am the problem, that letting nanny go would be best, which was helpful as a perspective.

OP, given the posts with real issues like absenteeism and safety, etc, you seem to be pretty fortunate. If there is something you want her to do differently, can't you just address it with her, rather than make a drastic change in your family's life and the nanny's life? Or give her a list of suggested activities?