kids love au pair....but some issues

[Anonymous]

So we are on our second au pair and I've quickly learned how much better this one is than the last. The kids love her (but more importantly respect and listen to her), which compared to the last one is a game changer. I see and value this so much. However, we have some issues:
1. we car share but she is supposed to ask me if its ok for her to use the car (we also provide an Uber credit so she's never without). Recently, without asking, she took my car to go to the store. She got into a car accident. I'm thankful she is ok but really upset she took my car without asking. I feel betrayed by her not telling me (and am honestly not upset about the accident, I understand). She's just been seeming a little to confident about jet setting all around the area with my car.
2. She doesn't really listen to our rules with kids (no screen time). I get in the summer its a lot since the kids are not in school, so I've been sort of letting this go, but its annoying to me.
3. I feel a little re-traded by her, if you will. She is consistently looking for more perks, or expanding what we said we would do. Again, I can say no but I'm just feeling like, why is she pushing?? She was very homesick so we provided her an allowance to buy "special food" at a special grocery store that carries food from her home country. She's using the allowance to also go out to eat, starbucks, etc. I suppose this isn't against the rules, perhaps I shouldn't care, but like, that wasn't the point?
4. She constantly makes comments about how America makes her so sick because we don't eat fruits and vegetables, etc. which just offends me because our house is always stacked and we eat a healthy and varied diet. This is just annoying more than anything but honestly, i'm offended.
5. She helps herself to food and wine that I specifically have asked her not to touch. WE have a big deep freezer in the basement and I've asked her to check with me before consuming food from it, but anything upstairs is fair game. She doesn't listen and I've been caught without dinner a few times.


How much value should I place on the kids being happy? OR maybe, this is just what the au pair program is and I'm not cut out for it? After our first experience, I'm very concerned that if I fix these other things that are upsetting to me, i will lose the quality of the kids being happy and safe. I guess I'm not sure where to set my expectations. I am generally a non-confrontational, accommodating person so it has been an adjustment for me. I'm also really trying to be flexible since I remember being young and whatnot, but I also think my expectations for her to be a little more considerate are there. Help me.

[Anonymous]

I think it's time for a reset conversation.

-She can't just flaunt your house rules. using the car without discussion, eating food that's off limit--these are not just annoyance, they're unacceptable behavior. Frankly I'd hide the car key from now on.

-complaining about America--a lot of them do it. Annoying but I'd probably let it go or redirect.

-pushing for perks. Don't give in anymore.

I find that for us, being good with the kids and being a good housemate are equally important. Most people would not hesitate to rematch if the ap is not good for the kids, but the latter issue will eat you up and consume you if you don't address it. If she does not change after the reset conversation, I'd consider rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's time for a reset conversation.

-She can't just flaunt your house rules. using the car without discussion, eating food that's off limit--these are not just annoyance, they're unacceptable behavior. Frankly I'd hide the car key from now on.

-complaining about America--a lot of them do it. Annoying but I'd probably let it go or redirect.

-pushing for perks. Don't give in anymore.

I find that for us, being good with the kids and being a good housemate are equally important. Most people would not hesitate to rematch if the ap is not good for the kids, but the latter issue will eat you up and consume you if you don't address it. If she does not change after the reset conversation, I'd consider rematch.

+1 your happiness is equally important to the kid’s happiness especially this will be a whole year. If you don’t reset it now, it only gets worse. Some APs just didn’t realize how much certain things annoy you until you seriously let them know. If they respect you and your house and cherish you being a nice HF, she will change. If she doesn’t, she is not the one for you.

[Anonymous]

As if USian tourists don't complain about every other country....

But the other stuff, yes, reset

[Anonymous]

Is she Brazilian? That sounds exactly like our former Brazilian aupair. Gaming for an extra $10/week for Starbucks by saving she’s homesick for “good food”.

No advice. It’s super annoying and we finally decided to hire a nanny who didn’t take our car without asking and expect us to fill the gas tank.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately you get what you pay for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately you get what you pay for it!

+1. Taking your car without permission and crashing it? Eating food you’ve specifically asked her not to touch and ignoring your rules about screen time? No way. This is why au pairs are cheap. Get a real nanny and some peace of mind

[Anonymous]

You need to lock down the car situation. I also tried sharing a car with the AP and little by little she started acting like it was her car! She was always leaving her empty Starbucks and McDonalds bags (gross) and would even leave stuff like her license.

I usually let her have the car on the weekends because I usually could use my husbands, and with four little kids, I wasn’t going many places anyway. On my BIRTHDAY, I had planned weeks out to use the car to do a day of shopping/spa/etc. She knew about it for weeks! But on the day of, she kept texting me passive aggressive texts about her being “stranded” at the house (hello, have you heard of Uber or a friend picking you up?!). It was literally the first time I’d gone to the spa / gone shopping all year.

She oh so casually mentioned that she was going to visit an AP in Ohio. When I asked how she was getting there, she looked at me like I was crazy and said, “with my car, of course!” I told her she didn’t have permission to take it on long road trips like that without at least asking first. She really thought it was her car.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I cannot even imagine what your first AP must have been like, given your comment about this AP being better than the last one. But your AP sounds terrible. We are on AP #6 and we would rematch in a heartbeat if we had the issues that you are describing. Our APs have occasionally taken the car without asking, but we addressed it right away. Not following your rules would be a dealbreaker. And I would rematch.

There is one thing that I want to add without offending you, but it sounds like you may have been a bit of an enabler. Either you have rules or you don’t. For example, if you have rules about screen time, then make sure to enforce them. But if you first communicate a rule, but then let it go when your AP ignores it, you are sending the message that the rules are not real rules but mere suggestions. Obviously, your AP still sounds terrible. You can do a lot better. Good luck

[Anonymous]

I was also going to ask if she is Brazilian or South American. some have this "ask and you shall receive" mentality.
Clear "no" should work, because thy say 'no' to many things asked from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I cannot even imagine what your first AP must have been like, given your comment about this AP being better than the last one. But your AP sounds terrible. We are on AP #6 and we would rematch in a heartbeat if we had the issues that you are describing. Our APs have occasionally taken the car without asking, but we addressed it right away. Not following your rules would be a dealbreaker. And I would rematch.

There is one thing that I want to add without offending you, but it sounds like you may have been a bit of an enabler. Either you have rules or you don’t. For example, if you have rules about screen time, then make sure to enforce them. But if you first communicate a rule, but then let it go when your AP ignores it, you are sending the message that the rules are not real rules but mere suggestions. Obviously, your AP still sounds terrible. You can do a lot better. Good luck

You are 100% correct in me enabling. I guess I see it as trying to be flexible and not rock the boat since they live with me. I'll work on that since I don't think what I'm requesting is unreasonable and I need to be more confident in that.

On the note regarding her being terrible, she's really not, especially with the kids. But we did have a conversation about trying to be around the family a bit more. When I only ever see if fly in to work and only communicate via text messaging, it just sets up a bad situation for relationships and I think issues are building up that may or may not be there. I think that when there isn't the personal relationship, its easier to do things "your own way", like think the car is yours, etc. We'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was also going to ask if she is Brazilian or South American. some have this "ask and you shall receive" mentality.
Clear "no" should work, because thy say 'no' to many things asked from them.

hmmm..interesting point. She is from South America. I didn't realize there was a cultural difference when it came to this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also going to ask if she is Brazilian or South American. some have this "ask and you shall receive" mentality.
Clear "no" should work, because thy say 'no' to many things asked from them.

hmmm..interesting point. She is from South America. I didn't realize there was a cultural difference when it came to this sort of thing.

Our first AP was from Brazil, and your post reminded me of her. We've since chosen to steer clear of South America. Our current AP (from Asia) even tells me that when she gets together with groups of APs, the South American ones are all about how to get the most out of their host families. They flock together and build up each other's expectations.

[Anonymous]

"Some issues"? She sounds pretty bad to me. I would not give in anymore and possibly rematch if you have many months to go. If you are within 2-3 months of the finish line, I wouldn't bother, just live and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was also going to ask if she is Brazilian or South American. some have this "ask and you shall receive" mentality.
Clear "no" should work, because thy say 'no' to many things asked from them.

hmmm..interesting point. She is from South America. I didn't realize there was a cultural difference when it came to this sort of thing.

Our first AP was from Brazil, and your post reminded me of her. We've since chosen to steer clear of South America. Our current AP (from Asia) even tells me that when she gets together with groups of APs, the South American ones are all about how to get the most out of their host families. They flock together and build up each other's expectations.

We steer very clear of Brazilian aupairs for this reason. If she’s not spending any family time with your family outside of work hours, it’s because she sees your family as her job and being nice and personable as a work expectation and not the familiar/cultural exchange you may have been sold with the aupair program.

And the car if her work perk. It’s not a shared car to her. It’s her car to use when you don’t happen to be using it. If she wrecks it, oh well, it’s a work car.

Good luck. I’ve lived something similar and whether she’s good with the kids or not, she’ll leave you feeling used and abused.