Considering ramatch

[Anonymous]

We found ourselves in rematch just 2 months in, because our first Au pair wanted to be close to a big city and wants a family with an extra car. Our new AP is great with the kids she is also good at making sure the kids clean up after themselves. Our kids are school age (9,11)so we don’t want her cleaning up after them but just to prompt them to clean. She does much better job with them than our old AP. The problem is her staying out so late. We told her that we have no curfew as long as she came home at a reasonable time. Our mistake was not defining what reasonable was. My thinking was that we did not have a curfew for our last AP and she came back home around 9pm and I thought that even if she came home at 12 midnight that that would still be reasonable. Our new AP on the other hand has been coming home around 6am in the morning. Initially she gave an excuse about the AP she went to visit does not like to drive at night so she didn't have a ride home. Sometimes she tells me she is just taking a walk in the neighborhood in the evening and doesn’t one back 3 or 6am. sometimes she says she's just going out to dinner and doesn't come back until 6am. I am leaving to go to work and she's just coming back. So I finally had a sit down with her. I told her that coming back home at 6am is way too late and we agreed that midnight is more reasonable. I made it clear that I don't want to police her free time. I want her to enjoy her free time and use it as she pleases but she has to be honest. I gently confronted her about the time she claimed to be going for a walk and came back home 12 hours later. I told her that she needs to be honest and needs to communicate, and she was in agreement. For two days she came back home around 11pm (she goes out every night by the way - Her. previous host family had an 8pm curfew). Fast forward to now, I wake up to text sent at 1:30am that says sorry to text late but my new boyfriend came to pick me up and I plan to spend the weekend with him. There are 3 reasons this bothers me 1. I feel disrespected because I think she feels she can come and go as she pleases, 2. My oldest daughter is 11 and very mature for her age may think this is normal and that when she is older she can just do the same and last 3. The boyfriend, I suspected she was going out with a guy and was just not being honest, which is fine. What bothers me about this situation is that when we casually asked her (after she arrived)what her plans are after the first year was, she said she wanted to marry for the papers. While my husband appreciated the honesty, it was a bit of a turn of for me but I didn't think too much of it. Now all I can think of is if she decides to just marry this guy or any guy for papers then we are back in rematch. she lived with her previous host family for just 1 month in a different state and had a boyfriend there. She has only been with us for 3 weeks and already has a new boyfriend. She seems like someone who is on a mission. While all of these are her personal decisions, they will have an impact on us. My husband on the other hand thinks I am overthinking and has no problem her leaving a 1am because she is duty. I am trying to get people's thoughts or experience on this. A part of me wants to consider rematch. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Former Au Pair here.

I would have let her go when she mentioned she was there to get married for the papers ... You can't have someone like that around your own children. She's simply stupid for saying it out loud, I wouldn't trust her judgement ...

The curfew problem shows that she'll be extremely tired on some days and if she drives your kids and has an accident because of that, that's just insane.
I'd let her go before something terrible happens.

And you're right about one thing, if she finds a boyfriend and gets married, she will leave you asap and not look back.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your response. It means a lot coming from someone who was once an AP. I do value the AP having personal space and want her to make the best out of this experience and I am not opposed to her finding love but I feel she has only one goal and has no respect for us.

[Anonymous]

She’s on a mission for a green card and you are only a house and a stipend to her.

Two rematches will mean a review by your aupair company. I wouldn’t wait around for her to leave at an inconvenient time, because she will.

We hosted an aupair like this and we let her go around 4 months in. It never got better and she played games with curfew and sneaking out when we had a liberal policy anyway.

She’s married and here now. Left her next family only 5 months in and gave 2 weeks notice.

[Anonymous]

What is the reason for the curfew if you have school age kids? Does she need to drive them in the morning? If so coming home at 6am would bother me but not if she doesn’t start working until 3pm. Also all of our au pairs can come and go as they please if they aren’t on duty - I’m not sure where the respect is an issue there. If she isn’t working this weekend I’m not sure what the problem is with her spending the weekend with a boyfriend? But it doesn’t matter what wouldn’t bother me. It doesn’t seem like you guys are a good fit.

[Anonymous]

I think she’s entitled to do what she wants intend weekend if she’s not not working. Some families would be thrilled to not have the au pair around on the weekend. I think you need to establish a weekday curfew though. If she’s good with your kids and they like her I’d keep her if you can get the weekday issue sorted out.

[Anonymous]

The real problem here is she has been lying about things. I would have a reset conversation where you tell her you are fine with her having a BF but the lying has to stop and that you don't want to police her personal life, but she can't come into the house at 6am before starting work unless you understand that she has gotten sufficient sleep to safely do her job. The real question for me is whether she is sleeping at the BFs (probably ok with me and I would be willing to let her work) or if she is out a clubs and not sleeping (I would not be ok with this).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the reason for the curfew if you have school age kids? Does she need to drive them in the morning? If so coming home at 6am would bother me but not if she doesn’t start working until 3pm. Also all of our au pairs can come and go as they please if they aren’t on duty - I’m not sure where the respect is an issue there. If she isn’t working this weekend I’m not sure what the problem is with her spending the weekend with a boyfriend? But it doesn’t matter what wouldn’t bother me. It doesn’t seem like you guys are a good fit.

Op here. Yes she does take the kids to school. And it is undisputed that her free time is her and I have no problem with her spending it with her boyfriend or anyone, it is the lack of communication. I would have rather she told me before the fact especially considering she sent me the text at around 1am and awake watching TV until about 45 minutes before the text. Appreciate your input on the the curfew but also curious what your thoughts are on the lying and luck of communication. There was more to my post than just the curfew. We went the AP route because it’s live in childcare. Coming in at 6 is no difference than a nanny. With the AP we have worry free mornings before work where we are not worried about nanny not showing up on time or even calling out. With an AP that comes in morning there is potential for these problems. Mind you we’re only in week 3 with this AP so this is a wrong my way to start things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she’s entitled to do what she wants intend weekend if she’s not not working. Some families would be thrilled to not have the au pair around on the weekend. I think you need to establish a weekday curfew though. If she’s good with your kids and they like her I’d keep her if you can get the weekday issue sorted out.

That is undisputed. It’s that lying and luck of communication that creates a trust issue. Knowing she has a goal to get a green card with not plans to renew after first year compounds on the mistrust, especially considering we have only known each other about 3 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s on a mission for a green card and you are only a house and a stipend to her.

Two rematches will mean a review by your aupair company. I wouldn’t wait around for her to leave at an inconvenient time, because she will.

We hosted an aupair like this and we let her go around 4 months in. It never got better and she played games with curfew and sneaking out when we had a liberal policy anyway.

She’s married and here now. Left her next family only 5 months in and gave 2 weeks notice.

OP here. I have the impression impression that she will leave too. She has expressed that she doesn’t intend to renew the second year but hopes to marry or maybe go to school if she can find a sponsor.

[Anonymous]

She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

Seriously. We aren't running a college dorm. We are a family with kids in the house who don't want to be awakened by someone getting home at 4am. It's not unreasonable to have a curfew in a home with young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not a good fit for your family.

for future reference, establish clear expectations. We have it in our handbook that aps have a curfew of being home 8 hours before their shift is due to start. They can spend their time however they want on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sunday night is school night, and the curfew applies there. We've never had anyone having issues with this.

Seriously. We aren't running a college dorm. We are a family with kids in the house who don't want to be awakened by someone getting home at 4am. It's not unreasonable to have a curfew in a home with young kids.

You can't control another adult's life ...
She's not your daughter.
All you can ask is for her to not make noise when she gets home in the middle of the night on weekends and that's it.

It's different during the week, she has to sleep and you can ask her to come home at a reasonable time

[Anonymous]

While I agree that her time is her own and she can do what she wants, the fact remains that she lives with you and should be respectful of household practices. I would have a huge problem with an Au pair coming and going at all hours of the night. That’s so disruptive! I cannot even imagine ever thinking that would be ok to do to a family. Same rules would apply to my own kids. If she lived in her own apartment, I could care less. But she lives in your house and so yeah, I’d do rematch on that alone.

She’s going to find a man to marry her and leave the program anyway.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see this as an issue of “controlling her life”. When you go to someone’s house and they ask you to remove your shoes, are they controlling your life? No - it’s their house and they set the rules. The host mom isnt controlling what the AP can do in her life, but merely enforcing rules of her home. Rules that presumably all family members abide by. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to say, in our house, absent unusual circumstances, everyone needs to be home by midnight.