If you had/have a Stage 5 Clinger What did you do?
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Anonymous
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We are 6 months in and am feeling like this has been the worst AP experience to date. I should have rematched at the beginning, but I just thought she was getting settled in.
18yrs old (crux of the issue I'm thinking). Is in the kitchen/family room when I wake up and it there until I go to bed. Last night she followed me from room to room talking nonsense (boyfriend, other AuPairs, her teachers when she was in high school...ect). I think if she could, she would be with us 24x7. Sometimes I don't make eye contact hoping she give up and does someting else, but NOPE. The kids have not connected with her and the big issues is all she talks about is herself. It is so exhausting! Even then kids are like "OMG, can this girl go somewhere sometimes?!" We went to a movie without her, literally had to sneak out of the house and told her we were going to a friends house. She cried afterwards because we did not include her "at the friends house". We just wanted to be together alone as a family, something that now NEVER happens. We have resorted to piling up in our mater bedroom so we can just be together. I truly feel like i have a 3rd child and this 3rd child is more needy than my biological ones. I've had to tell her several times, very bluntly, that on weekends do not wait around for us. We are busy running errands, shopping, taking kids to friends or places, maybe seeing friends and to not wait around for us. She has expressed dismay that we do not call her for lunch or let her know our lunch plans. I told her we have no lunch plans. Ever. if we are out sometimes we stop for chickfila or a restaurant. She wants the opportunity to meet us there. That is a hard no. The lunch is not an event. It is patch between needing to be places. She is home, she can eat the food there. Anyways we are thankfully done with the program this summer, so there is no reason to hassle with a rematch, which is really what should happen here. With that said, how have you all established boundaries with a stage 5 clinger? One who is VERY sensitive. |
Anonymous
| Ours was like this for about 3 months until she met a boyfriend.... |
Anonymous
| Just let her know that you’re happy to include for certain things, but you need space as well. Frame it as an introvert needing to recharge, or needing to breathe, whatever. |
Anonymous
| She's 18. She's very young. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but I've had 2 18yr old AuPairs who had issues pleanty, but none wanted to hang with us all the time. This is something I'd have to rematch over. I'd be miserable. APs shouldn't be more work than ones own kids. |
Anonymous
| Wow, you are a nicer person than I. I would’ve bluntly given her boundaries about 5.5 months ago and if she couldn’t keep them I would’ve initiated rematch. A needy, emotional teenager who hasn’t bonded with my kids? No way!! |
Anonymous
| I have one who is 26 and am considering buying her an online dating subscription. |
Anonymous
How though? My DH is like "tell her to stay downstairs " you can't do that. The problem is she goes nowhere, does nothing. How can we tell her to buzz off? Yes, I'd love to go into rematch, but with 6 months left in the program, I feel like I should just swallow it. |
Anonymous
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Former AP here.
Why wait until this summer? You could get a rematch now and be happy ... Have you ever had a reset conversation with her ? |
Anonymous
| I would rematch for "different expectations." You should not be held hostage in your own house and this situation is only going to get more miserable as time goes on. Rematch can be stressful, but there are good candidates out there. |
Anonymous
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If you don't want to go through rematch I would have a serious reset conversation.
Tell her how important it is for you to have family only time and also for her to enjoy meeting friends and experiencing the U.S. with people her own age. If needed, set clear boundaries, weekends are for family only time unless you invite her to a special activity. Again sell it as you really want her to go out and experience the city. I would also say things very clearly - well I need to get dinner started so why don't you head up to your room and I'll call you when it is ready? Can you help her with a gym membership, library card, free language lessons where she might make some friends? I would also really help her find friends - maybe talk to the LCC, post in Au pair family groups etc. If she can't change this soon I would rematch. Or find a temporary nanny for a few months. |
Anonymous
Tell Her that between the hours of x-y it is family time and she needs to occupy herself. Seriously. Get firm. Explain that while you “enjoy” being with her you and dh need some time alone with your kids and those hours are it. Does she not have any friends? Hobbies? Start her on a tv show that has 100+ episodes and encourage her to watch it when she’s off... But honestly, I would just rematch even for 6mos. |
Anonymous
| Can you make the point that apart from the family experience she is also meant to explore the city independently, make new friends? Maybe give her two tickets to an event on the weekend and encourage her to invite another AP? |
Anonymous
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Had one of those. Rematched. I was never so happy to have someone out of my house.
Rematch. 6 months is too long. |
Anonymous
| Ughhhhh. We are going through a similar situation. I’m home on maternity leave and AP broke down and cried to me about how Hurt she is that I’m not “doing things with her”. I’ve tried to explain that we didn’t get an AP for me to have a new best friend. Not to mention I’m not exactly “doing things” other than tending to my newborn and trying to manage my 4 and 6 year olds. |