Au Pair Expects to Be Paid for Play date Meals

[Anonymous]

We have a toddler who normally eats a combination of sides when we eat out. We obviously stock the house with tons of food and if we go out to dinner with the au pair we pay for whatever she wants. We also pay for all of her gas and parking. Lately she has been arranging play dates with other au pairs around town (great), but sometimes they go to events with an adult admissions fee (spy museum, e.g.) and then she eats out and wants to take the metro. She just gave me a pile of large receipts. I’m not sure how to handle. We bring our lunches to work, and there are so many free things to do in DC, if I were going to pay for one for my wiggly toddler, it wouldn’t be an adult museum. We also usually pack a light lunch for the toddler when we know we’re going to be out. Plus, we’re already paying a fortune to insure her, so we feel like we already have sunk transportation costs.

[Anonymous]

Pay for them this time and tell her stop taking your toddler to those places with other aps.

We had one ap who got our kid hooked on the natural history museum. 5 years later he is a history and animal nut.
I am glad the ap exposed him to it; even if it cost me a bunch in meals and souvenirs and stuff

[Anonymous]

Pay for them this time and set a budget for her for this stuff. We do $20/week. She can blow it every week or save up for a more expensive experience

[Anonymous]

Pay for what she spent, and then just be direct.

I give my ap money for outings maybe once a month (and only $30 unless she wants to take them somewhere that costs more).

There are so many free things to do in this area (parks, playgrounds, indoor pool at the gym and the smithsonian museums and zoo).

You just have to let her know.

FWIW - it does sound like you have a good Au Pair who is trying her best to set up play dates and cultural experiences. Just let her know you’re on budget

[Anonymous]

I would also pay it this time, but set clear expectations depending on your budget. Maybe once a month or every couple of months you could spring for entrance fees to somewhere special. Other than that, I'd have her stick to free/ low cost admission places or just give her a list of places that are approved. I've also worked with families who had memberships to some of the fun kid places, so you could consider springing for 1-2 memberships that they could keep using.

The Spy Museum is kinda pricey and not ideal for toddlers. She might not know which museums or areas are good for that age.

For the food, I've also struggled with this. I'd let her know that whenever possible, you'd prefer she packs lunches from home. I've supplemented at certain places (zoo has a lot of walking and in summer, have had to buy more drinks) or as a reward/special treat, but we also take snacks and water bottles. But the kids know every time we go out they don't get food.

Another option is to ask her to run the places by you first, to make sure it's age-appropriate and within your budget. It does sound like she is trying, but it's also no fun to pay tons of money for one excursion.

[Anonymous]

I’m not an ap but a nanny. I’ve had jobs where the parents won’t pay for anything. Which is fine and very doable. But I know upfront. We pack lunches, go to parks, the library and play dates at the pool .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not an ap but a nanny. I’ve had jobs where the parents won’t pay for anything. Which is fine and very doable. But I know upfront. We pack lunches, go to parks, the library and play dates at the pool .

The difference though is that you usually know the area because you live here, or you have a friends network already. An au pair doesn't know anyone when she first gets here, so to not be able to do things with other au pairs in her peer group would not be fair.

I agree with what the PP's have said. Pay this time but ask that she take lunch out on future and try and do the free stuff when possible. But be ok with the odd activity that may cost money.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that she needs to ask before taking the toddler to an activity that requires money. Sounds like your AP has been taking advantage of your inattention.

Also, I'd be making sure she's paying attention to your toddler at these places during playdates and not ignoring him to socialize. You don't want to be the family that some other mom posts about on social media looking for you because your toddler has been ignored and left crying so they're trying to bring the failure of your caregiver to your attention.

[Anonymous]

Great that AP is getting out with your toddler. She may not realize what's free and what's not, and maybe her AP friends know more about DC-life, and they are (negatively) influencing her by getting host parents to pay for museums that she may want to go to but wouldn't pay for on her own. Happened to us.

As others have said, pay this time, and really go over where she can and can not take the toddler--especially when fees are involved.

[Anonymous]

I would give her a stipend each week for these outings, the rest is on her.
And a bit of $ for her lunches out with the Au Pairs ... but it has to be reasonable. She won't be able to go to some outings if the other girls eat out and she has a lunch box.
I'd also print her out a list of cheap/free things to do.

Former AP

[Anonymous]

OP: thanks for suggestions. I paid the $60, and then had a pleasant conversation with her. I explained that I’m willing to pay for a child-centered activity that other au pairs attend (e.g., Gymboree during winter), but generally want her to take her to free events and be outside as much as possible. I also explained that she generally needs to pack a lunch for her and toddler if they are going to be out all day or come home for lunch, because this is what we do. I also asked her to drive and use ParkMobile which we pay, rather than metro unless metro is the only option and keep healthy snacks in the car. If she wants to do a special trip - she had mentioned the Aquarium in Baltimore, I need to know about it ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: thanks for suggestions. I paid the $60, and then had a pleasant conversation with her. I explained that I’m willing to pay for a child-centered activity that other au pairs attend (e.g., Gymboree during winter), but generally want her to take her to free events and be outside as much as possible. I also explained that she generally needs to pack a lunch for her and toddler if they are going to be out all day or come home for lunch, because this is what we do. I also asked her to drive and use ParkMobile which we pay, rather than metro unless metro is the only option and keep healthy snacks in the car. If she wants to do a special trip - she had mentioned the Aquarium in Baltimore, I need to know about it ahead of time.

Especially since the aquarium costs about $40. DC has SO MUCH to do that's free that there's no reason to spend a fortune on outings. But I get the sense so APs are taking advantage of the situation. One of my APs loved bowling and suddenly I was getting bills from the bowling alley. My first AP once asked if she could take DD to get her toenails painted. I said OK -- and then she handed me a $55 receipt. While my kid got her 5-minute treatment, she got a full-on mani-ped. Now I make sure they're at least doing things my kid enjoys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thanks for suggestions. I paid the $60, and then had a pleasant conversation with her. I explained that I’m willing to pay for a child-centered activity that other au pairs attend (e.g., Gymboree during winter), but generally want her to take her to free events and be outside as much as possible. I also explained that she generally needs to pack a lunch for her and toddler if they are going to be out all day or come home for lunch, because this is what we do. I also asked her to drive and use ParkMobile which we pay, rather than metro unless metro is the only option and keep healthy snacks in the car. If she wants to do a special trip - she had mentioned the Aquarium in Baltimore, I need to know about it ahead of time.

Especially since the aquarium costs about $40. DC has SO MUCH to do that's free that there's no reason to spend a fortune on outings. But I get the sense so APs are taking advantage of the situation. One of my APs loved bowling and suddenly I was getting bills from the bowling alley. My first AP once asked if she could take DD to get her toenails painted. I said OK -- and then she handed me a $55 receipt. While my kid got her 5-minute treatment, she got a full-on mani-ped. Now I make sure they're at least doing things my kid enjoys.

Did you pay for the mani-pedi?

[Anonymous]

I’m a nanny and I look up
Places and fees, and ask the parents of it’s ok and how much they’d like to spend if we go to a more expensive place
I think the family I work for has a good budget, so they don’t really care, but I feel bad spending $20/ week on food
I always bring lunch to the parks, PB sandwiches , even cold Hot Dog and pasta and kid will eat it!
Like others say, only give her a budget, give her cash, and that’s it

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to her and tell her that you cannot afford $25-40 activities a day for her. Those trips are far more for her than your child. Give her a $25 allowance a week for activities and let her figure it out.