Divorced and sharing AP - difference of opinion

[Anonymous]

We are with CCAP.

We have been divorced since early 2017. Here's the situation:

1. We split kids 50-50, week on, week off.
2. Au pair lives with me. He doesn't have space.
3. He is now remarried, with baby.
4. Au pair came last fall, when baby was a few months old.
5. Our internal agreement as well as our listing stated that she was being hired to take care of our joint kids (now 10 and 12), and only sometimes take care of the baby, and ONLY the baby when the joint kids were at their dad's. When the kids are with me, she "does not have to care for the baby".

A few days ago, we had a situation where my ex-husband's new wife asked the AP to watch the baby for a few hours at their place, even though the kids were with me. Our AP said no, I can't, I'm with the 12-year old. New wife says, oh, just bring him.

I write to ex-husband, remind him of the agreement and the job listing, and he goes ballistic and says that the job listing wasn't binding and that it can change at any time and the AP basically can't say no. I argue that she can, because he can't just change things without telling anyone, and the AP needs to be on board with the new job. (She's really miffed that under this scenario, she's basically on call for him for the baby 7 days a week, no matter where the joint kids are. Which is not what she signed up for.)

We reach out to LCC. LCC avoids the question initially, then finally says to him what you're doing isn't in the spirit of the program, you're putting her in a corner, and you need to talk to her if you're going to change the job description.

Then, the next day she writes a different email (I actually suspect she didn't write it because she's normally not very eloquent and this one was really eloquent) that says that, in fact, he CAN use her for his needs any time she's not assigned to work with the kids when they're with me as long as it's not over the 45 hour / 10 hour a day limit. (In this particular case, then, she wouldn't have been able to because she was with one of our kids at that same time that the new wife requested her help.)

But on the phone, he claims that the LCC said that he can use the AP any time he wants. Basically.

Our au pair is pissed that her job changed without her input or buy-in. I'm pissed because the AP and I get along great and I don't want to lose her for when the kids are with me but I think she might ask for rematch because of this. And he's pissed about EVERYTHING.

Clearly, we need to separate our childcare ASAP. (This is our 7th au pair - we've been in this rodeo before.) I could pay for my own AP with no problem (we each currently pay for half) and I've got space for her to live. But I only need every other week for my two kids. Meanwhile, he doesn't have space for a live-in, and he needs care every other week for our two kids, as well as the baby sometimes during the weeks that the kids are with him and sometimes on other days -- it's not regular at all.

Anyhow ... any (constructive) comments or suggestions are welcome. Or commiseration...

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

What do they do with the baby before? It sounds like baby is 1 year old (few months last fall)?

How much longer does your AP have? Did they extend for the second year?

Is AP actually infant qualified by the agency?

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer your questions:

Our previous AP was with us for 2 years as an AP and then moved to an F1 visa to do her MBA, and we were her sponsors. She watched the baby for extra cash, basically. But she left (got married) when the baby was two months old. She was with us for 3.5 years.

Then we got this AP. And for the past year, she's been watching the baby on occasion when the joint kids are with me. And watching the baby a lot more than we had described that she would when the joint kids are with him. She's always done the baby watching when the kids are with me as a FAVOR. She always understood that she had the option to say no. In fact, once he asked her to do it on a weekend day and she said no.

But apparently, his opinion has changed -- he doesn't feel it is her option to say no to watching the baby if she is available to do so (even if she happens to be with the joint kids). They needed her this week because the new wife had conference calls, the baby was with her, and the repair man was coming, yadda yadda.

This AP just extended in October for another year with us, so we've got 11 months left.

And yes, she's infant qualified. CCAP made us get an infant qualified one.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you just assume full responsibility for paying the au pair, let him find his own childcare. Let the au pair have off when the kids are with their dad.

[Anonymous]

If she is working for him, it should not be an equal split and they should be paying her more or more of the fees. How does she get to his house? Are you providing the car? I would tell him he needs to pay her extra for the baby as the baby is not part of the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is working for him, it should not be an equal split and they should be paying her more or more of the fees. How does she get to his house? Are you providing the car? I would tell him he needs to pay her extra for the baby as the baby is not part of the household.

OP here. He lives around the corner, walking distance. She uses my car when the kids are with me, and his car when the kids are with him.

I personally think that if he's going to ask her to cover a few baby hours here and there when the kids are with me, if she is on or off duty, then the least he can do is offer her some extra money for it. But he's never offered her any money and now he's trying to strongarm her into *having* to work. So money isn't going to buy any goodwill at this point.

The baby was listed on the AP profile ... but the language stated that she wouldn't have to watch him EXCEPT when the joint kids were over there.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him that that wasn't the agreement on the form when she was hired and if he wants extra hours, he needs to pay her or hire a babysitter. Don't they have regular child care or is mom a SAH and just wants some time off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him that that wasn't the agreement on the form when she was hired and if he wants extra hours, he needs to pay her or hire a babysitter. Don't they have regular child care or is mom a SAH and just wants some time off?

I told him that. All of that, in fact. But he thinks that she HAS to say yes when he asks for her to watch the baby when the kids are with me (whether she's watching the kids at that time or not). And the LCC first said no, you can't do that, and then she said yes, you can. So it's been totally useless.

The baby is in daycare normally, but the daycare is at mom's office so if she is working from home or any other thing, the baby is with her. In the case of this week, she was home because the workman was coming, but she had a conference call and the baby, too, and she needed a hand. We've all been there, I know - but she assumed that the AP would be at her beck and call and our AP didn't want to watch the baby because she wanted to concentrate on my son, the 12 year old, and his homework.

[Anonymous]

Mom needs to take baby to their day care center or change day care centers to something near the house if she is working home that much. That's not reasonable for her to drop everything to run over for a call. Or, Dad needs to flex his work hours to take the baby. The AP is for your kids, not their child. If AP is helping your son, she should not be called over to care for the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are with CCAP.

We have been divorced since early 2017. Here's the situation:

1. We split kids 50-50, week on, week off.
2. Au pair lives with me. He doesn't have space.
3. He is now remarried, with baby.
4. Au pair came last fall, when baby was a few months old.
5. Our internal agreement as well as our listing stated that she was being hired to take care of our joint kids (now 10 and 12), and only sometimes take care of the baby, and ONLY the baby when the joint kids were at their dad's. When the kids are with me, she "does not have to care for the baby".

A few days ago, we had a situation where my ex-husband's new wife asked the AP to watch the baby for a few hours at their place, even though the kids were with me. Our AP said no, I can't, I'm with the 12-year old. New wife says, oh, just bring him.

I write to ex-husband, remind him of the agreement and the job listing, and he goes ballistic and says that the job listing wasn't binding and that it can change at any time and the AP basically can't say no. I argue that she can, because he can't just change things without telling anyone, and the AP needs to be on board with the new job. (She's really miffed that under this scenario, she's basically on call for him for the baby 7 days a week, no matter where the joint kids are. Which is not what she signed up for.)

We reach out to LCC. LCC avoids the question initially, then finally says to him what you're doing isn't in the spirit of the program, you're putting her in a corner, and you need to talk to her if you're going to change the job description.

Then, the next day she writes a different email (I actually suspect she didn't write it because she's normally not very eloquent and this one was really eloquent) that says that, in fact, he CAN use her for his needs any time she's not assigned to work with the kids when they're with me as long as it's not over the 45 hour / 10 hour a day limit. (In this particular case, then, she wouldn't have been able to because she was with one of our kids at that same time that the new wife requested her help.)

But on the phone, he claims that the LCC said that he can use the AP any time he wants. Basically.

Our au pair is pissed that her job changed without her input or buy-in. I'm pissed because the AP and I get along great and I don't want to lose her for when the kids are with me but I think she might ask for rematch because of this. And he's pissed about EVERYTHING.

Clearly, we need to separate our childcare ASAP. (This is our 7th au pair - we've been in this rodeo before.) I could pay for my own AP with no problem (we each currently pay for half) and I've got space for her to live. But I only need every other week for my two kids. Meanwhile, he doesn't have space for a live-in, and he needs care every other week for our two kids, as well as the baby sometimes during the weeks that the kids are with him and sometimes on other days -- it's not regular at all.

Anyhow ... any (constructive) comments or suggestions are welcome. Or commiseration...

Thanks.

I know this is not the original question, but to me it sounds like this is not how the AP program works. My understanding is that AP can only be part of one family. You and your ex are clearly two families. There may be a loophole that allows your AP to watch your kids at your ex’s house, but AP should not be watching the baby under any circumstances. This has nothing to do with what you put in your profile. The way I understand it, it’s a violation of the program rules. I am surprised the LCC is ok with this.

OP, if I were you, I would just get your own AP. You already have to navigate shared custody with your ex. Let him figure out his baby’s childcare arrangements. This is not your or your AP’s problem.

[Anonymous]

It’s a terrible situation for the AP to be in, and considering your ex’s unreasonable requests and his anger, i wouldn’t be surprised if AP decides to leave. I’ve heard of complicated hosting logistics between divorced parents which didn’t work out after a year or two, but yours is exponentially harder due to the infant who is not part of your household. Host your own AP, stop enabling your ex husband- he and his wife need to find their own childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not the original question, but to me it sounds like this is not how the AP program works. My understanding is that AP can only be part of one family. You and your ex are clearly two families. There may be a loophole that allows your AP to watch your kids at your ex’s house, but AP should not be watching the baby under any circumstances. This has nothing to do with what you put in your profile. The way I understand it, it’s a violation of the program rules. I am surprised the LCC is ok with this.

This.

Who was AP hired to watch? She lives with OP so I assume she was hired to watch the two children living with OP? Watching the kids at dad's place might be some grey area (or not... who knows, she can watch the at the zoo or when on vacation I guess watching them at dad's home around the corner would probably be okay - she was hired to care for them, location might not matter that much) but watching the baby? Wouldn't she have do be dad's and new wife's AP to do that? Isn't that an insurance issue? Who signed the contract with the agency? As AP is living with OP I would guess OP did? And that the AP was officially placed with OP as her HF? I don't understand how the LCC can be okay with AP watching a child that is not OP's... Did both parents sign the contract with the agency? Didn't anyone raise the issue of two different addresses? I mean, I am sure they don't care who actually pays them (or AP) as long as they get their money and AP is paid their stipend but shouldn't AP switching families (and adding a third child every other week) be an issue?

For AP to watch the baby I would assume that she would have had to be hired by the infant's parents (both, XH and his new wife) instead of OP. In that case I am sure she could officially and legally watch all three (because all three are XH's children) but then her living with OP wouldn't be in the spirit of the program.

And while it might not have been asked directly, I do think it is part of the original question... unless the hiring process was more messed up than it should have been AP is not responsible for the baby. She really shouldn't be watching the baby at all. I don't see how an "internal agreement" can break the AP contract. I can "internally agree" that my AP watches my BIL's children when she isn't watching mine (or while my children are visiting BIL or while all four are with MIL). That still doesn't make it right or in the spirit of the program. AP can't be an AP for two families and that is basically what XH is expecting. She doesn't have to care for the baby and she really shouldn't care for the baby. No matter if she is over at XH's home or with or without the older children. She is either OP's AP (watching the 10&12 yo) or she is XH's AP (watching the baby and the 10&12 yo) but in that case she should be living with XH and not OP.

But even IF someone can find a loophole to have her watch the baby, she cannot be on call 7 days a week. If she is on call she is working. She can only work 45 hrs/week which includes the time she is watching the older children. She shouldn't be on call for more than whatever amount of time is left after watching OP's two children. If XH wants her on call, he can give her specific hours to be on call for.

If your LCC is no help, you should escalate this. I am not sure you want to hear the official answer because according to the program regulations I am sure it should be "AP can only work for her HP's children, as AP lives with OP, OP is AP's HP, AP can't watch XH's baby" (on the other hand "should be" and CC). You do need to seperate childcare. Now. Before your AP packs up and leaves, especially if you are happy with the work she does for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Start "scheduling" the AP even during the weeks your husband has her. That way she can say no because she's up to her 45 hours.

After all, if he can break the agreement you had, why can't you? And you provide more than 50% with the housing and food, so obviously you should get more than 50% of her time.

[Anonymous]

His childcare needs are not your problem. I know you think they are, because you're worried about your kids. But they're not.

Decide what works for you, and tell him to figure out the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His childcare needs are not your problem. I know you think they are, because you're worried about your kids. But they're not.

Decide what works for you, and tell him to figure out the same.

SP. Also, he now has a child at home full time. Everything about your child care sharing situation is changing.

His wife was previously "only" a step-mother, so it made sense that she should not have to worry her head about child care. Now, however, I am sure she is THRILLED to have built-in child care she hasn't had to do any work or spend any extra money to procure (I sure will be). It will almost definitely put a strain on their marriage if you end this very affordable arrangement that you have with your husband. There will be fiscal impacts on both households, and he may choose a child care arrangement you dislike. It is also possible that it will reveal the extent to which step-mom is or is not interested in being an active parent figure to your children vs. her own.

But, regardless, the situation has changed, and it is still time to end it and just let it not be your problem.