Divorced and sharing AP - difference of opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His childcare needs are not your problem. I know you think they are, because you're worried about your kids. But they're not.

Decide what works for you, and tell him to figure out the same.

SP. Also, he now has a child at home full time. Everything about your child care sharing situation is changing.

His wife was previously "only" a step-mother, so it made sense that she should not have to worry her head about child care. Now, however, I am sure she is THRILLED to have built-in child care she hasn't had to do any work or spend any extra money to procure (I sure will be). It will almost definitely put a strain on their marriage if you end this very affordable arrangement that you have with your husband. There will be fiscal impacts on both households, and he may choose a child care arrangement you dislike. It is also possible that it will reveal the extent to which step-mom is or is not interested in being an active parent figure to your children vs. her own.

But, regardless, the situation has changed, and it is still time to end it and just let it not be your problem.

Stepmom and Dad are paying for infant care at a center near Mom's work. Mom needs to take baby to the center or hire a babysitter if working at home. AP was hired for OP two kids and lives with OP.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for you and your OP, how freaking annoying of him.

[Anonymous]

Okay, time to rewite AP’s job description. AP is responsible for 10yo and 12yo every week, but all childcare will be done in OP’s home. AP will do all kid laundry, but XH and SM are responsible for transporting laundry back and forth. XH and SM will either provide food for kids and AP during a shift, or they lose their night with kids, and OP can keep track, to take to FoC if necessary. AP will be responsible for all other older kid-related duties that come up, provided that they are accomplished anywhere except XH/SM’s home. AP will NOT be responsible for the younger child, full stop.

Or you take on full AP stipend and XH/SM find their own flexible childcare.

[Anonymous]

What a terrible and awkward situation for your AP to be in. To hell with your XH, his wife, and their feelings. I would send a copy of what the description is, I would essentially “buy him out” of the AP contract (if he paid for any of the program fees), . I would write him and his wife a letter stating that because they tried to change the terms of their joint custody Child care arrangement, the arrangement no longer works for you or the AP. I would then give him two options:
1) you pay fully for the AP, and they secure their own childcare on the weeks that they have the kids
2) or they choose to use your AP on his childcare weeks for $125 a week (or whatever amount)

Even if he uses your childcare, I would keep the AP contract solely under my name, and pay fully for the AP fees to have more control over the situation.

Lastly, unless he is paying for half of the AP’s food, electricity, mobile phone, water usage, heat, etc etc etc they are *not* paying for half of the AP.

This has put your AP on a terrible situation. And what’s up with the anger issues? I’m glad you got out of that marriage - let him and his wife figure out how to care for her stepchildren / your kids AND her baby :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His childcare needs are not your problem. I know you think they are, because you're worried about your kids. But they're not.

Decide what works for you, and tell him to figure out the same.

SP. Also, he now has a child at home full time. Everything about your child care sharing situation is changing.

His wife was previously "only" a step-mother, so it made sense that she should not have to worry her head about child care. Now, however, I am sure she is THRILLED to have built-in child care she hasn't had to do any work or spend any extra money to procure (I sure will be). It will almost definitely put a strain on their marriage if you end this very affordable arrangement that you have with your husband. There will be fiscal impacts on both households, and he may choose a child care arrangement you dislike. It is also possible that it will reveal the extent to which step-mom is or is not interested in being an active parent figure to your children vs. her own.

But, regardless, the situation has changed, and it is still time to end it and just let it not be your problem.

Stepmom and Dad are paying for infant care at a center near Mom's work. Mom needs to take baby to the center or hire a babysitter if working at home. AP was hired for OP two kids and lives with OP.

I understand all that. But baby is not at the center everyday, and stepmom has a built-in sitter currently. She hasn't had to figure out how to manage the older kids if they happen to be there when she's working from home, either. If OP pulls the AP to her house, exH and stepmom will have to pay for older kid care on their weeks, and for any extra baby care. This will take money out of their budget, or stepmom will start asking older kids to sit when she doesn't want to drive to daycare, or baby is sick, etc..

The point is, if OP pulls the AP, it is going to be tense and stressful while her ex and his wife figure it all out. She still needs to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His childcare needs are not your problem. I know you think they are, because you're worried about your kids. But they're not.

Decide what works for you, and tell him to figure out the same.

SP. Also, he now has a child at home full time. Everything about your child care sharing situation is changing.

His wife was previously "only" a step-mother, so it made sense that she should not have to worry her head about child care. Now, however, I am sure she is THRILLED to have built-in child care she hasn't had to do any work or spend any extra money to procure (I sure will be). It will almost definitely put a strain on their marriage if you end this very affordable arrangement that you have with your husband. There will be fiscal impacts on both households, and he may choose a child care arrangement you dislike. It is also possible that it will reveal the extent to which step-mom is or is not interested in being an active parent figure to your children vs. her own.

But, regardless, the situation has changed, and it is still time to end it and just let it not be your problem.

Stepmom and Dad are paying for infant care at a center near Mom's work. Mom needs to take baby to the center or hire a babysitter if working at home. AP was hired for OP two kids and lives with OP.

I understand all that. But baby is not at the center everyday, and stepmom has a built-in sitter currently. She hasn't had to figure out how to manage the older kids if they happen to be there when she's working from home, either. If OP pulls the AP to her house, exH and stepmom will have to pay for older kid care on their weeks, and for any extra baby care. This will take money out of their budget, or stepmom will start asking older kids to sit when she doesn't want to drive to daycare, or baby is sick, etc..

The point is, if OP pulls the AP, it is going to be tense and stressful while her ex and his wife figure it all out. She still needs to do it.

AP can care for the kids at Mom's house till Dad comes home or stepmom can care for them since they are close by on weeks off if its an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His childcare needs are not your problem. I know you think they are, because you're worried about your kids. But they're not.

Decide what works for you, and tell him to figure out the same.

SP. Also, he now has a child at home full time. Everything about your child care sharing situation is changing.

His wife was previously "only" a step-mother, so it made sense that she should not have to worry her head about child care. Now, however, I am sure she is THRILLED to have built-in child care she hasn't had to do any work or spend any extra money to procure (I sure will be). It will almost definitely put a strain on their marriage if you end this very affordable arrangement that you have with your husband. There will be fiscal impacts on both households, and he may choose a child care arrangement you dislike. It is also possible that it will reveal the extent to which step-mom is or is not interested in being an active parent figure to your children vs. her own.

But, regardless, the situation has changed, and it is still time to end it and just let it not be your problem.

Stepmom and Dad are paying for infant care at a center near Mom's work. Mom needs to take baby to the center or hire a babysitter if working at home. AP was hired for OP two kids and lives with OP.

I understand all that. But baby is not at the center everyday, and stepmom has a built-in sitter currently. She hasn't had to figure out how to manage the older kids if they happen to be there when she's working from home, either. If OP pulls the AP to her house, exH and stepmom will have to pay for older kid care on their weeks, and for any extra baby care. This will take money out of their budget, or stepmom will start asking older kids to sit when she doesn't want to drive to daycare, or baby is sick, etc..

The point is, if OP pulls the AP, it is going to be tense and stressful while her ex and his wife figure it all out. She still needs to do it.

I agree that this will put more pressure on her XH and his wife, which is exactly why she should do it. She needs to smack some sense in to them re: their AP entitlement. I bet you that a week or two scrambling for childcare coverage would make them more amenable to going back to the original AP coverage model.

[Anonymous]

How is it going, OP?

[Anonymous]

All I can say is "HELL NO"

As a divorced mom, no way in hell would I put up with this.

She works for you. Start paying exclusively and tell your ex to shove off.

Your ex's wife's childcare issues are not your problem.

[Anonymous]

There is no graceful exit from this situation til you get a new AP. OP, I think you need to determine if this is a hill to die on. How often does this come up? Once a week? Or more? If once a week or less, I would tell your ex DH that you're worried AP will quit and try to enlist him in finding a solution. They just had a baby so they are tired, stressed, and totally irrational right now. Now is not the time to create huge waves if you want to have a good relationship with them. Try to find a less "in your face" solution and ask ex dH for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no graceful exit from this situation til you get a new AP. OP, I think you need to determine if this is a hill to die on. How often does this come up? Once a week? Or more? If once a week or less, I would tell your ex DH that you're worried AP will quit and try to enlist him in finding a solution. They just had a baby so they are tired, stressed, and totally irrational right now. Now is not the time to create huge waves if you want to have a good relationship with them. Try to find a less "in your face" solution and ask ex dH for help.

I think that this advice is bs.

You do not have to bend over backwards for them. You help as often as you want, but you do not have to put up with his anger, entitlement, or anything else. It’s not fair to you or your AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible and awkward situation for your AP to be in. To hell with your XH, his wife, and their feelings. I would send a copy of what the description is, I would essentially “buy him out” of the AP contract (if he paid for any of the program fees), . I would write him and his wife a letter stating that because they tried to change the terms of their joint custody Child care arrangement, the arrangement no longer works for you or the AP. I would then give him two options:
1) you pay fully for the AP, and they secure their own childcare on the weeks that they have the kids
2) or they choose to use your AP on his childcare weeks for $125 a week (or whatever amount)

Even if he uses your childcare, I would keep the AP contract solely under my name, and pay fully for the AP fees to have more control over the situation.

Lastly, unless he is paying for half of the AP’s food, electricity, mobile phone, water usage, heat, etc etc etc they are *not* paying for half of the AP.

This has put your AP on a terrible situation. And what’s up with the anger issues? I’m glad you got out of that marriage - let him and his wife figure out how to care for her stepchildren / your kids AND her baby :/

+1

[Anonymous]

Any update, op?