Au Pair Doesn’t Do Much at All. Help!

[Anonymous]

We are an experienced HF and our third au pair joined us a month ago. We have had APs from Germany until now and this is our first AP from South America. I hate to say it, but she just doesn’t know how to do very much at all. Even though she is older and we thought had more life experience than the others (our two German girls were 21 and 22, and this AP is 26!). She cant cook more than pasta and frozen premade reheatable foods, she doesn’t tidy-up after the kids, she doesn’t even help them make their beds, I have to ask her to help with their laundry but then she leaves the piles out and doesn’t hide them away. She doesn’t even vacuum her own living area. All she does is drop the kids off at camp and pick them up and then she disappears for the day. I don’t think she understands that this is a job, and we have since found out that she never lived away from home before, which is not what was communicated during matching. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but our German girls were always more assertive and take charge. Is this a cultural thing? I just find it hard to believe that a 26 year old woman seems so clueless about what being an au pair is about. I assumed they went over this stuff during training bc we never had an issue before. Advice?

[Anonymous]

My friend who had one au pair from Germany and one from Brazil said that the Brazilian au pair needed a lot more instruction, though both were good with her child.

[Anonymous]

Review your handbook with her again. Odds are she never read it and just said she did.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s cultural. Not sure which South American country your AP is from, but it’s common in some of those cultures for women to live at home with their parents until they are married. Sounds to me like you matched with an AP who is from a wealthy family in one of those countries. She probably has had other people cleaning and cooking for her for her whole life, which might explain why she can’t or hasn’t learned to do what here in America we consider to be basic life skills for a young woman. In Brazil and other countries even middle class families have cooks and housekeepers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend who had one au pair from Germany and one from Brazil said that the Brazilian au pair needed a lot more instruction, though both were good with her child.

This. German girls tend to be more hard working and assertive and ready to do what they need to do. The Brazilian au pair we had was kind and lovely, but seemed entitled and acted as though cooking and cleaning up after the kids was beneath her. I had to explain every little chore and responsibility to her, from how to make hamburgers and pasta to how to operate the washing machine, dishwasher and vacuum. She seemed surprised when she had to empty her trash and clean her own bathroom bc she said she had housekeepers her entire life who always did that for her. In a year, she never took out the Family trash or recycling once. Even though she certainly added to it. And she left the family room in disarray after the kids played in it. I hate stereotyping and saying the Brazilian girls are princesses. But the one we had definitely was and we have other friends with similar experiences. She was the first and last Brazilian au pair we have had. I didn’t like feeling like “the bad guy” all the time when asking her to do chores and responsibilities that were in her handbook and agreed upon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Review your handbook with her again. Odds are she never read it and just said she did.

This. Don't just hand her the handbooks and expect her to read it, go over it with her. And then, a month or so into it, do it again. Some APs are more helpful than others, but it sounds like yours is not doing her basic duties as an AP (kid's laundry, kid's beds, etc.)

[Anonymous]

I have a Brazilian AP right now and she is fantastic, the house is cleaner as it ever been, she clean after herself, the kids. She is very independent and always ask if I need help with anything. Granted she is a second year AP but she also have some first year AP friends who seems great as well. So yeah please don't stereotype, it is a case by case issue, make sure you vet them properly. Also make sure your expectations are clear. I spent hours writing my handbook and I am glad I did, my expectations from the AP are pretty clear.

[Anonymous]

My first AP was Brazilian and she was absolutely amazing. Hard worker. Would constantly clean up my clutter and organize things. I had to tell her to stop! She had lived away from home though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a Brazilian AP right now and she is fantastic, the house is cleaner as it ever been, she clean after herself, the kids. She is very independent and always ask if I need help with anything. Granted she is a second year AP but she also have some first year AP friends who seems great as well. So yeah please don't stereotype, it is a case by case issue, make sure you vet them properly. Also make sure your expectations are clear. I spent hours writing my handbook and I am glad I did, my expectations from the AP are pretty clear.

I think an AP wrote this (grammar)?

[Anonymous]

You need to have a conversation with her about the job.
Ask her if you can do anything better so that she feels welcome and happy.
And then list the things SHE can and has to improve.

What I would do if I were you : I'd print out a weekly schedule with tasks assigned each day and make her check the boxes.
1) Making kids bed
2) End of day : make sure everything's been picked up after the kids ...

Etc etc.

I don't like to stereotype either but the only girl from South America I know is just like yours, doesn't do much by herself and likes to be catered to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a Brazilian AP right now and she is fantastic, the house is cleaner as it ever been, she clean after herself, the kids. She is very independent and always ask if I need help with anything. Granted she is a second year AP but she also have some first year AP friends who seems great as well. So yeah please don't stereotype, it is a case by case issue, make sure you vet them properly. Also make sure your expectations are clear. I spent hours writing my handbook and I am glad I did, my expectations from the AP are pretty clear.

I think an AP wrote this (grammar)?

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a Brazilian AP right now and she is fantastic, the house is cleaner as it ever been, she clean after herself, the kids. She is very independent and always ask if I need help with anything. Granted she is a second year AP but she also have some first year AP friends who seems great as well. So yeah please don't stereotype, it is a case by case issue, make sure you vet them properly. Also make sure your expectations are clear. I spent hours writing my handbook and I am glad I did, my expectations from the AP are pretty clear.

I think an AP wrote this (grammar)?

Yup.

Even so, i think the general rule of don't stereotype is appropriate. We've hosted 2 Europeans and 2 South Americans. The 2 South Americans were the far better cooks. They did need to be taught how to store leftover and opened food properly, but one talked to, it wasn't an issue. All 4 need to shown how to operate our appliance and all 4 needed to trained on our expectations with respect to cleaning, laundry, etc. Once properly trained all were wonderful additions to our family who definitely helped life run a little more smoothly!

[Anonymous]

Some of our best and worst APs were Brazilian and German. Our best and worst BPs wereboth German. Both Brazil and Germany are enormous countries made of many different classes/societies and many different cultures with different expectations for what young people learn and do in their households. You need to screen for certain traits, certain experiences, and certain willingness to do certain tasks no matter which countries you're considering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of our best and worst APs were Brazilian and German. Our best and worst BPs wereboth German. Both Brazil and Germany are enormous countries made of many different classes/societies and many different cultures with different expectations for what young people learn and do in their households. You need to screen for certain traits, certain experiences, and certain willingness to do certain tasks no matter which countries you're considering.

I could not agree more. Stereotyping a whole nationality from a handful of observation is utterly stupid.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say it but the stereotypes exist for a reason. And I agree with PPs that our Brazilian au pair was generally the worst we had and I won’t match with another because of her and other families we know of who had similar experiences. She was older (25), had never lived on her own, and was clearly very spoiled by her parents. Didn’t know how to cook. Didn’t understand the concept of household chores that she was expected to help with. She came from a background of personal housekeepers and cooks and never lifted a finger. She had no problem with watching me work and cook and grocery shop and empty the trash, but never occurred to her to do these. So trying to convince her of her duties was an uphill battle for a year. Our kids did like her and she was warm and loving, so we put up with the misgivings, but she clearly had never been independent or on her own.