When would you say something to a mom about her nanny?

[Anonymous]

My friend has a nanny (we'll call her Nancy), and she is always saying how wonderful her nanny is. I work part time, and have a nanny when I am at work. My own nanny tells me that Nancy is known around the neighborhood for doing some not-so-great stuff, like going on long walks for fitness each day with the toddler strapped in the stroller, spreading some salacious gossip about other nannies/moms, refusing to take the toddler to any local activities unless she can meet up with her one nanny friend there, etc. On my days at home I've observed this nanny texting for 10 minutes at the park while the toddler was strapped in the stroller and crying, walking very far from the house with the toddler in the stroller (presumably for fitness), and taking a harsh/exasperated tone with the child (not completely out of line, but just sterner than necessary - the nanny is Eastern European and it may be a cultural difference).

I don't want to stress my friend out or damage our friendship. But I hate to see her daughter crying in the stroller around our neighborhood during these long walks and at the park. Does any of this rise to the level of mentioning to my friend, or no? If you do think I should mention it to her, how do you think I should go about doing it?

[Anonymous]

I would most definitely talk to your friend about this horrible Nanny.

It is just CRUEL to have her strapped in her stroller crying for such long periods of time while the Nanny is on her phone.
This is unacceptable to me.

I would just let my friend know directly about the things that you have SEEN.
Sure, you can always mention you have also “heard” things too, but those stories can be treated w/a grain of salt.

Please tell your friend sooner rather than later so her poor child can spend her days w/a Nanny who actually cares more for the child’s well-being vs. the Nanny’s.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

First, how old is the child? Is this the first nanny, or a successive attempt at decent childcare?

I have zero issues with the walks, even if the child is crying. Do you know if this child cries every time she goes in the stroller? Having cared for a few kids who have, that's nbd for me. How far have you (personally) observed her to walk with the child crying in the stroller? If it's 30 minutes or less, it doesn't matter what the distance is, the time is reasonable.

Being on the phone at the park for 1-2 minutes could be responding to one of the parents. 10 minutes is overkill, especially if the child is crying to get out. I'm not a fan of keeping a child in a stroller at the park unless I'm feeding the child (and I need to belt them in to hold them still long enough to eat!), but I have seen some nannies put the child in the stroller to calm down.

The nanny's stern tone of voice wasn't out of line? Then why would you raise it? Either it's too stern (and I would think it would also be accompanied by words that are too harsh) or it's the perfect tone of voice to tell the child that they are pushing a boundary and may want to rethink their actions. Have you tried asking the nanny why she's using that tone of voice?

If the nanny is attending activities solely to talk to her friend rather than for her charge, that's an issue. Have you observed this, or is this just something you've heard? I have a group of nannies and 2 SAHMs with whom I chat at the park (or during play dates), but it's while we are watching kids play, and we're all ready to intervene if necessary. However, we're also all of the opinion that a few guided questions will lead them to learning to share, be kind, and be polite, so unless someone is hurt, we seem like we're focused on out conversations on the bench. It's done on purpose, because if we let the kids think we're focused on them, they focus on us, rather than playing together and building interpersonal skills with other children. If she only goes when it's one nanny, the children are only benefiting from repeated play with one set of children. While there is something to be said for a child being able to start playing with random kids at the park, it's also important that they build friendships for themselves, and that happens when the same children are allowed to play without structure on a semi-regular basis.

[Anonymous]

I'm at the phone because the mom keeps texting me.

[Anonymous]

OP here... this is their first and only nanny. The child is around 18 months old. I get the sense my friend is too busy to think about hiring someone else, so I think she would definitely prefer to not hear anything negative about her nanny.

I've tried to beat around the bush to mention my concerns, like "It's too bad that your nanny couldn't make it when my nanny invited her to the zoo outing the other day," or "I saw your nanny in the park today, would've loved to talk to her and your DD but nanny was so busy talking to her friend" - that type of thing. When I say stuff like this, my friend will eventually find a way to mention how her nanny is so great, so experienced, such a childcare expert, etc. Which makes me think I should drop it, but I wasn't sure. My friend may not be picking up on what I'm saying because I'm being pretty indirect, and she seems very invested in thinking that this is a good nanny. Wasn't sure if I should keep pushing it more directly, or if my friend is picking up on my indirect comments and doesn't want me to raise it further. My indirect comments have been limited to commenting on seeing the nanny socializing a lot with her one friend who watches older kids, and her nanny not being willing to go on other playdates/activities with other kids who are more age appropriate. I haven't mentioned seeing the nanny go on 1-hour stroller walks (seems too long with an 18 month old?) or seeing the child crying in the stroller, or the nanny's role in spreading neighborhood gossip.

Appreciate all the input.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don’t think your friend wants to hear the truth. I think you should tell her what you see personally (never repeat hearsay) but I get the feeling it would do no good.

[Anonymous]

Can you send her some pictures or video? I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny.

Yes, you should absolutely talk to your friend.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that would bother me is ignoring her for 10 mins while she cried at the park.
Walking for exercise is not a concern, I am a Mom and walk for exercise with my kid in a stroller, I have dogs to walk as do plenty of other people. And the child should be "strapped in" the stroller if its moving.

[Anonymous]

Unless you have personally witnessed what you say this nanny is doing then it is heresay. Stop spreading gossip from your nanny who could simply be insanely jealous of the other nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... this is their first and only nanny. The child is around 18 months old. I get the sense my friend is too busy to think about hiring someone else, so I think she would definitely prefer to not hear anything negative about her nanny.

I've tried to beat around the bush to mention my concerns, like "It's too bad that your nanny couldn't make it when my nanny invited her to the zoo outing the other day," or "I saw your nanny in the park today, would've loved to talk to her and your DD but nanny was so busy talking to her friend" - that type of thing. When I say stuff like this, my friend will eventually find a way to mention how her nanny is so great, so experienced, such a childcare expert, etc. Which makes me think I should drop it, but I wasn't sure. My friend may not be picking up on what I'm saying because I'm being pretty indirect, and she seems very invested in thinking that this is a good nanny. Wasn't sure if I should keep pushing it more directly, or if my friend is picking up on my indirect comments and doesn't want me to raise it further. My indirect comments have been limited to commenting on seeing the nanny socializing a lot with her one friend who watches older kids, and her nanny not being willing to go on other playdates/activities with other kids who are more age appropriate. I haven't mentioned seeing the nanny go on 1-hour stroller walks (seems too long with an 18 month old?) or seeing the child crying in the stroller, or the nanny's role in spreading neighborhood gossip.

Appreciate all the input.

Your comments are useless. They are beyond indirect. They are not informing your friend that her nanny is doing anything wrong. If you want to say something, say something, but beating around the bush is pointless. But I'd confine it to things you have actually witnessed. Otherwise, let it go.

[Anonymous]

Ehhhh most of this is based on gossip, and even then, the behavior is really not bad. The mom may be aware of it and not care. I'd stay out of it.

I would only tell a friend if I saw something I knew she didn't want the nanny to do (example - taking an infant who isn't old enough to wear sunscreen to the pool. I did witness this and did tell my friend), something dangerous, or something highly negligent (hours of talking on the phone while a toddler climbs all over playground equipment).

Short of that, what you see is only a snippet and tattling could really damage your relationship with your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... this is their first and only nanny. The child is around 18 months old. I get the sense my friend is too busy to think about hiring someone else, so I think she would definitely prefer to not hear anything negative about her nanny.

I've tried to beat around the bush to mention my concerns, like "It's too bad that your nanny couldn't make it when my nanny invited her to the zoo outing the other day," or "I saw your nanny in the park today, would've loved to talk to her and your DD but nanny was so busy talking to her friend" - that type of thing. When I say stuff like this, my friend will eventually find a way to mention how her nanny is so great, so experienced, such a childcare expert, etc. Which makes me think I should drop it, but I wasn't sure. My friend may not be picking up on what I'm saying because I'm being pretty indirect, and she seems very invested in thinking that this is a good nanny. Wasn't sure if I should keep pushing it more directly, or if my friend is picking up on my indirect comments and doesn't want me to raise it further. My indirect comments have been limited to commenting on seeing the nanny socializing a lot with her one friend who watches older kids, and her nanny not being willing to go on other playdates/activities with other kids who are more age appropriate. I haven't mentioned seeing the nanny go on 1-hour stroller walks (seems too long with an 18 month old?) or seeing the child crying in the stroller, or the nanny's role in spreading neighborhood gossip.

Appreciate all the input.

I would take a video or two.

Also, I understand that you prefer being indirect, but try this: “Hey, Susie-Q! My nanny has been trying to set up a play date for my DD with your DD, but your nanny seems to prefer nanny B who cares for xyz kids. Do you want to set up a play date with the two of us surpervising, should my nanny drop it, or do you just want to schedule something now with me, and we’ll each tell our nannies when and where? I’m not trying to be pushy, but I thought our DDs were going to get to play together more. If not, it’s okay, I just want to know what to expect.”

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely want my friend to tell me everything. I’m an adult and can decide for myself how much weight to give rumor vs things my friend witnessed herself.

-MB

[Anonymous]

The child being contained in a stroller to the point of crying is a deal breaker for me. I had a part time nanny who did this to my daughter and other charges so she didn’t have to watch/interact with the kids while on the clock. When I was told about it I immediately fired the nanny.