Nanny jealousy issues

[Anonymous]

I'm a MB and loathe to post, but I'm afraid I'm irritated and it's growing. I'm looking to know what other MBs and Nannies think about this. My son is 10 months old and has been with his nanny for 3 months. I work from home a half day and see clients out of the house the other part of each day. I do like the nanny, and my son seems to love her, and she seems to love him, too, almost too much in my opinion. She has shared that when her kids were little, she worked outside of the home and is enjoying the baby stage with my son. Nanny is not perfect, and that is okay, I am glad she and he are happy, and I would hate it if he did not feel good about his caregiver when I am not here.

BUT - and this is just a gut feeling - sometimes it feels like she wants to take his attention from me and she is competing with me for his love. If I am nursing him when she is here, she will come and stand in his line of sight and speak to him, which anyone with a 10 month old on the boob knows is hard to keep him focused! Or if it is the end of the day and I come home, he will reach for me (or I will reach for him), and she will turn with him in her arms for a big hug and then does not give him to me. She makes a big deal about leaving at the end of the day to see if he will cry - I always leave as subtly as possible to make sure he DOES NOT cry! Right in front of me, she tried to get him to take his first steps - to her! I said something like, oh no, let's wait for his Daddy to come home, but it felt like a stupid mistake on her part and I sense this underlying greediness in her about my son. She can't wait for him to be one year old and able to drink cow's milk so that she can feed him without my pumped milk and without me nursing. She always says she wants to take him home to her house with her. I know I probably sound crazy - but I am considering day care centers because it already hurts that I don't get to be with him as much as I want and the thought that she is keeping his attention and taking his attention for herself when I am here makes me mad. And it makes me think she is STUPID!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a very unprofessional nanny. How long has she been working as a nanny? Is she someone who worked in a daycare or preschool or whose only childcare was part-time or raising her own kid? Because I am a nanny and this would definitely bother me (and I am plenty attached to my charges). Why did you choose this nanny? Were there other good candidates or is this a situation where your finances are limited and she was the only decent choice?

As a nanny, when the parents are not around, I tell the kids all the time, “This is the new shirt that Daddy got for you! He must love you a lot to find such a nice warm shirt!” Or “Let’s drink this bottle Mama made for you. She works so hard to make all this milk for you. She loves you very very much.” I have the parents record audiobooks and play them throughout the day. We talk about their parents and I try to set up something fun (like a new book or puzzle or toy or project) for them to do right when parents get home to reconnect. I make dinner for the family so that they can sit and eat together every night.

When the parents are home, I step back as much as possible and direct the child to connect with and pay attention to their parent rather than with me. I view supporting the parent-child bond as one of my most important duties! I can’t imagine being this possessive about someone else’s kid.

[Anonymous]

Your son knows that you are his mother. Talk to the nanny if you want to make it work. Tell her when you are breastfeeding (since you don’t see him much during the day) you would like to have this time with your son, ALONE. She can go clean up, wash out his bottles, purée some food- whatever.

Does your son cry for her when she leaves? If not, then at the end of the day pick your son up and say “tell Mandy bye bye” and let him wave or go into another room with your son. If your son does cry because the nanny is lingering, then tell her that it’s best to say bye and leave! You don’t want him to become upset.

But it sounds like you don’t really care for her as your nanny- maybe because of this or other reasons. You want to be comfortable with whoever takes care of your son and you want them to respect you. I will say i’ve know a few caregivers who liked to see children cry for them- so I don’t think you’re crazy. I’m a nanny and I would NEVER encourage a child to take their first steps toward me while their parent is right there- we ALL know that’s a milestone that should be discovered by the parents first. Even if we did see it first, you don’t say anything until the parents say they saw it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have a very unprofessional nanny. How long has she been working as a nanny? Is she someone who worked in a daycare or preschool or whose only childcare was part-time or raising her own kid? Because I am a nanny and this would definitely bother me (and I am plenty attached to my charges). Why did you choose this nanny? Were there other good candidates or is this a situation where your finances are limited and she was the only decent choice?

As a nanny, when the parents are not around, I tell the kids all the time, “This is the new shirt that Daddy got for you! He must love you a lot to find such a nice warm shirt!” Or “Let’s drink this bottle Mama made for you. She works so hard to make all this milk for you. She loves you very very much.” I have the parents record audiobooks and play them throughout the day. We talk about their parents and I try to set up something fun (like a new book or puzzle or toy or project) for them to do right when parents get home to reconnect. I make dinner for the family so that they can sit and eat together every night.

When the parents are home, I step back as much as possible and direct the child to connect with and pay attention to their parent rather than with me. I view supporting the parent-child bond as one of my most important duties! I can’t imagine being this possessive about someone else’s kid.

Yes, when the parents enter I yell “look who’s home” or “it’s daddy/mommy” and step back. I start straightening the last little things that may have been left out, while informing them about the day. I don’t linger! I then grab my things and on the way out the door, I say bye to the children (maybe grab a hug) and I am out ther door!

[Anonymous]

As a working mom too I’ve always appreciated how much my kids love our nanny. It doesn’t make me jealous at all, but some of the behavior you’re describing is annoying, so tell the Nanny to stop interrupting when you’re nursing or whatever it is. If that doesn’t work then find another option, don’t forget you could find a nanny who’s more mature but doesn’t engage with your son as much.

[Anonymous]

Your nannysounds super unprofessional. I've been with my nanny family for 8 years and I always do everything possible to facilitate and support the parent child relationship. My bosses work from 8:30-7:30 so clearly I have a bond with the kids. It makes me want to crawl under a rock when the kids cry for me when the mom is home or when I leave, because I know it hurts her. I do everything g possible not to make this happen and pump up the kids that mama is coming home when she's on the way. Most nannies don't want the kids to favour them because helllooooo job security!! A lot of nannies get fired because the moms can't handle the bond with the nanny. If I was acting like your nanny I'd be fired. She's there to support you and help the bond with your child.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this, Nannies. I do the same kinds of things you mention in order to make sure my DH has a strong relationship with our son as he has even less face time than I do because of work schedules. I do really like her, but I need to figure out a way to address it and/or move on.

[Anonymous]

I think the only thing you can do is to address behaviors individually.

When you sit down to nurse, tell her, “I’d like some privacy while we nurse. It’s too distracting to have another person here. I’ll bring him downstairs in 20 minutes.”

At the end of the day, if she turns away, walk around her to take your child from her arms and say, “Hi sweetie! I missed you, too! Now it’s time for nanny to get ready to go! Let’s wave byr-bye and you can come up to Mommy’s room. Bye-bye, Nanny! See you tomorrow!”

[Anonymous]

OP you are the mom, when you are nursing just go to your room and close the door. Before that tell her" while I nurse my baby coukd you wash or be at your phone, we will be back soon" be direct, talk, communicate. I think you two need to communicate more. I'm sure you are a great mom and she a great nanny. But that baby only has 1 mom, nanny comes and goes, stays in a nice part of every child's heart. But you and your husband fill all your sons heart. You will see him walk, learn, talk, get good or bad grades, get a gf, get married. Only you and your husband will witness aaaalll those wonderful things.
I think your nanny needs better manners or she is like me. When a parent is at home from my experience they don't wanna be with thier baby but the baby cries and wants to and I feel bad. So I try to distract him, that's why I'm there, to be a nanny. The only way baby doesn't go reaching for her if mom shuts her bedroom door. I understand some parents wants some alone time.
When I said your nanny could be like me, I meant that I try to be with the baby, I'm getting paid for that, to make him happy, safe and that stage of life, to be a friend. But now with my experience I'm not stopping my charge anymore if he wants to go with mommy. In my job she works in the living room and the toddler craves for her. And I just let him be. I don't care. It's that moms fault you can't get work done. Now she goes to her bedroom and shuts the door. And me and my charge are fine.
Next time I'm never gonna take jobs that there's parents working at home. I hate it but my charge is going to daycare soon so yeah. Meh

[Anonymous]

Just tell her while you nurse she can laid back, wacth tv, on her phone, be chill. I think she wants the baby to love her, to make a bond like what nannies and charges has, make him feel he can trust her. It's her job, she's getting paid to be a nanny and to be there. Stuff will always happens. Just say some things like, oh I wish my granma would see his first steps too. Maybe she will learn better manners. But if you dont like her tgen find a better polite nanny. I always tell my charge say bye bye tho mommy, blow a kiss.

[Anonymous]

Communicate, you two. If you still don't feel comfortable then find a better nanny or a daycare. It's your son and your husband's. Lol

[Anonymous]

Totally inappropriate and you do not sound crazy. This is not about you feeling insecure that your child is attached to your nanny. It’s about your nanny trying to undermine/compete with your relationship with your child. I would find a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

I think you need a new nanny. The biggest issue here is that the nanny doesn't respect or support you. How can you trust someone like that? What if she disagrees with some of your parenting philosophies? I feel like she's the type who will just do as she pleases. I've been a nanny for :0 years and while I love the kids, they're not mine and my job is to support the parents. There's better nannies out there! It might also be a cultural thing if your nanny is Hispanic.

[Anonymous]

Lmao Hispanic? Then why most parents ask for a nanny that speaks Spanish to thier kids. It's not cultural thing. It's a behavior, and how that nanny was raised since a kid. OP needs a nanny with better manners.

[Anonymous]

*20 years not 0 years haha