Grandma wants nanny to not come to work

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom to a one-year old. I work a full-time job from home. My one year old loves her nanny and grandma is very jealous about this. To some extent, I understand this, so when GM visited, I had the nanny not come to work as per her request. However, an hour into day one, grandma texts me, "I quit" because DD was inconsolable. GM had no idea how to settle her so she demands that I go upstairs (I work downstairs) to get DD. This was very disruptive and wrecked my work.

The next couple days were not any better. I was able to work sporadically, but still had to rescue DD. When she goes out to lunch, I've to watch DD too. It's different with the nanny because nanny just deals with it.

Nanny doesn't come to work on Fridays and since MIL and FIL were around, I was hoping that they can watch DD and I could make up for some lost time. But alas, they decided to go wine tasting. While I fully understand that she is not, in any way, obligated to watch DD, she is the reason I barely had any work done so in this instance, she kinda owes me. Had she been more accepting and less jealous, everything would've worked out well.

After a few months, MIL visited again. She demanded that the nanny not come again. DH put his foot down and said we can't accommodate her request. She has to get along with the nanny and be respectful. MIL throws a tantrum and doesn't speak to DH for weeks. She also has a history of flipping out whenever she doesn't get what she wants - e.g. wanting to FaceTime during my transvaginal ultrasound (when I was still pregnant with DD), wanting DD to sleep in her arms all day as a newborn, daily photos, daily FaceTimes, etc. I could come up with a looooong list. Sometimes we acquiesce in her demands, but that one time when we decided we can't tolerate her anymore, we had not spoken to her for months. She mellowed down temporarily, but went back in full swing in no time.

Recently, she was here in January. She asked if she could come in March. My parents were just here and a close friend also came immediately after so we'd appreciate some peace and quiet for a while. We also have travel plans coming up soon so we wanted to compromise and suggested that she come in May. MIL threw a fit again because she wanted to come in March AND April. She basically hung up on DH when he said he can't host her. By the way, when she comes, she doesn't stay in a hotel. She stays with us for a full week or a bit more.

This has been a vicious cycle and I don't know how to best address it.

1. MIL wants something.
2. We decline.
3. MIL throws a fit.
4. She doesn't speak to us for weeks/months.
5. FIL calls DH and say, "Somehow, you gotta call your mother."
6. DH calls.
7. They start talking again.
8. Lather. Rinse.Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Ignore her when she throws a fit. When #5 happens DH has to say "No Dad. Mom is a grown woman who is acting like a child by throwing a fit each time she isn't getting what she wants. Wife and I have to focus our parenting on our actual one year old, and can't parent a grown woman."

Let her go have her fits. She needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

DH is the only one who can deal with it. Get into therapy with him to talk about this. Kids raised by parents with no boundaries have a lot of trouble establishing boundaries because they don’t understand them.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is nowhere near this bad but does like to visit a lot. We had to just set really clear parameters: "Here are the two weekends we can do this spring--which works best for you? We'll keep Larlo home on Friday and we can all go do something fun. On Monday, we're all back to work and child care." Then stick to it. It's not fun but it does start to sink in after a little while. And we said no to anyone staying with us (but we had the excuse of a small house, so trickier if you have a guest room available...) Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Change 6 and don’t call her
Do you really want your daughter exposed to this nut job?

[Anonymous]

You are a fool for putting up with this kind of behavior and deserve exactly what you got. Start making adult choices and decisions. GM is worse than a toddler. I am surprised the nanny didn't quit and I hope you paid her for the days you forced her to take off.

[Anonymous]

As a nanny, I have the exact same issues with one grandmother - the father's mother. She is a wealthy, spoiled and childish woman who wants her grandchild, mt charge, to fulfill some need that is far too much to ask from a two-year-old. My charge wants me when this grandmother comes over (not true with the other grandmother) and will not let me leave the room. The grandmother gets hurt and pulls guilt-trip on mt charge like, "If you don't want to play with me, I am going home". And she blames me - telling me that my charge is demanding and spoiled.

My employers have gone into family therapy with her and things get better for a little while but then revert back to her demanding she have alone time with my charge. As soon as this alone time is given, the grandmother cancels or has other "important" plans that cannot be changed.

I have no idea what the answer is, OP. But I do empathize with your situation. It has been terrible for my employers as they are constantly dealing with some huge emotional crisis the grandmother is having. As a nanny, I try to smooth things over as much as possible but I will NOT let the grandmother take it out on my charge.

[Anonymous]

It is really not fair to your Nanny that she has to deal w/all this as well.

MIL needs to get over her jealousy issues regarding your Nanny.
Keep the Nanny during the day for the hours she was hired at.

Then after the Nanny’s shift is over, MIL can come + visit.

And stop giving her everything she insists she gets, you are enabling her to get what she wants w/little to no regard for what matters to anyone else!
If she decides to act like a child, then so be it.

She seems extremely immature & self-serving to me.
A real, common headache.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Yes, we do give the nanny paid time offs so we paid her during that week MIL was here. At first, we didn't think we'd have a problem with this setup - ie giving the nanny the week off when MIL is here. But this proved to be disruptive because MIL just drops DD like a hot potato if she's inconsolable.

I think she also feels deprived because her initial expectation (when DD was born) was to get daily photos and do daily FaceTime. After the first falling out, this has been greatly reduced to FaceTime once a week and occasional photos. While I'm happy to give someone my time, her behavior from day one has been extremely off putting. Even if I did have a few minutes in my busy day, I just don't want to deal with someone like that. My intent is to not deprive, but seriously, who wants to give someone like that their time of day.

I had given it a chance the past few months. I had returned her FaceTime calls once/twice a week. I had sent some photos. But I was hoping to keep it manageable. I was hoping to keep the same pace as it was after the first falling out. But as I started doing this, within a couple weeks, she would start calling me every single day! Like I said, my intent is really not to deprive her or anyone. I just know that once she goes into full swing and starts demanding for stuff, if we're unable to meet these, she would throw a fit again.

I feel like there is no right explanation to give her. This is her main thing and I don't think she knows that she is acting inappropriately. I think deep in heart, she knows she is right. That we are bad people who are intentionally depriving her. I don't think she realizes that her behavior is really alienating.

I don't even know if suggesting family therapy would be a good idea because to her, there's nothing wrong but us the parents. That we don't value family because we're depriving her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Yes, we do give the nanny paid time offs so we paid her during that week MIL was here. At first, we didn't think we'd have a problem with this setup - ie giving the nanny the week off when MIL is here. But this proved to be disruptive because MIL just drops DD like a hot potato if she's inconsolable.

I think she also feels deprived because her initial expectation (when DD was born) was to get daily photos and do daily FaceTime. After the first falling out, this has been greatly reduced to FaceTime once a week and occasional photos. While I'm happy to give someone my time, her behavior from day one has been extremely off putting. Even if I did have a few minutes in my busy day, I just don't want to deal with someone like that. My intent is to not deprive, but seriously, who wants to give someone like that their time of day.

I had given it a chance the past few months. I had returned her FaceTime calls once/twice a week. I had sent some photos. But I was hoping to keep it manageable. I was hoping to keep the same pace as it was after the first falling out. But as I started doing this, within a couple weeks, she would start calling me every single day! Like I said, my intent is really not to deprive her or anyone. I just know that once she goes into full swing and starts demanding for stuff, if we're unable to meet these, she would throw a fit again.

I feel like there is no right explanation to give her. This is her main thing and I don't think she knows that she is acting inappropriately. I think deep in heart, she knows she is right. That we are bad people who are intentionally depriving her. I don't think she realizes that her behavior is really alienating.

I don't even know if suggesting family therapy would be a good idea because to her, there's nothing wrong but us the parents. That we don't value family because we're depriving her.

Your husband needs to send these photos and return these calls. I get that you're home more, but your DD is with the nanny, so she's not in your care anymore than she is with your husband. MIL can make the arrangements with him. Maybe when it's taking up his precious evening/weekend time rather than your daytime, he'll do a better job of communicating with his mother.

[Anonymous]

You should have your husband deal with his mother 100% of the time. No question.

[Anonymous]

Arrange for nanny to come in as back up?

Grandma blew it, I need you please. Then TELL MIL that the nanny is on her way and will take over child care so you can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Arrange for nanny to come in as back up?

Grandma blew it, I need you please. Then TELL MIL that the nanny is on her way and will take over child care so you can work.

Thanks for the input. I honestly don't think this is fair to the nanny. I don't want to give her the day off then suddenly, on a very short notice, have her come to work. Even if I, say, notify her in advance that it may not work out with MIL and temporarily put her "on call", I don't see it as being fair. When you get a day off as an employee, you kinda want to be able to plan your day. If you're "on call", it's hard to plan anything knowing that at any minute, you may need to come to work.

Having experienced bad nannies, we're very fortunate to have found someone we love and DD loves.

Kind of a tangent - but I've worked for jobs that I hated and at my current job, I have to say I have the best boss. I'm a happy employee and look forward to working every day. I want the nanny to feel that way. Happy employees perform better. I don't want to have to make special arrangement for someone just because they're throwing a tantrum. It's not even like her complaints are truly legitimate. It really just springs from jealousy. As an adult, she should learn how to manage her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a nanny, I have the exact same issues with one grandmother - the father's mother. She is a wealthy, spoiled and childish woman who wants her grandchild, mt charge, to fulfill some need that is far too much to ask from a two-year-old. My charge wants me when this grandmother comes over (not true with the other grandmother) and will not let me leave the room. The grandmother gets hurt and pulls guilt-trip on mt charge like, "If you don't want to play with me, I am going home". And she blames me - telling me that my charge is demanding and spoiled.

My employers have gone into family therapy with her and things get better for a little while but then revert back to her demanding she have alone time with my charge. As soon as this alone time is given, the grandmother cancels or has other "important" plans that cannot be changed.

I have no idea what the answer is, OP. But I do empathize with your situation. It has been terrible for my employers as they are constantly dealing with some huge emotional crisis the grandmother is having. As a nanny, I try to smooth things over as much as possible but I will NOT let the grandmother take it out on my charge.

Wow, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds very relatable.

How is your relationship with the grandmother? When she's around, do you try to talk to her, etc?

At one point, MIL was visiting and the day she left, she was crying because she'll miss DD. Our nanny took pity and gave phone number saying she'll be sending her pictures. DH and I were against this because knowing how she is, if for some reason the nanny isn't able to send her photos when she asks, she might throw a fit again. We aren't even able to handle her so why pass the burden onto another person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Arrange for nanny to come in as back up?

Grandma blew it, I need you please. Then TELL MIL that the nanny is on her way and will take over child care so you can work.

Thanks for the input. I honestly don't think this is fair to the nanny. I don't want to give her the day off then suddenly, on a very short notice, have her come to work. Even if I, say, notify her in advance that it may not work out with MIL and temporarily put her "on call", I don't see it as being fair. When you get a day off as an employee, you kinda want to be able to plan your day. If you're "on call", it's hard to plan anything knowing that at any minute, you may need to come to work.

Having experienced bad nannies, we're very fortunate to have found someone we love and DD loves.

Kind of a tangent - but I've worked for jobs that I hated and at my current job, I have to say I have the best boss. I'm a happy employee and look forward to working every day. I want the nanny to feel that way. Happy employees perform better. I don't want to have to make special arrangement for someone just because they're throwing a tantrum. It's not even like her complaints are truly legitimate. It really just springs from jealousy. As an adult, she should learn how to manage her feelings.

Op. You sound like an amazing employer! I'm sorry your mil is so crazy.