Not Bonding with New Nanny

[Anonymous]

DS is just 3. I am a SAHM but needed sleepover nanny coverage on Friday, Saturday and Sundays. DS had a nanny from the time he was six months old until almost four months ago when we transitioned to a new nanny - a lovely, younger woman who is very sweet and gentle. He has seen his former nanny only a few times in the last three months and never for care - just to visit.

DS likes his new nanny but the bond just isn't there. He talks about his old nanny every single day and always includes her in everything we talk about (eg my mother bought a house nearby and he saw it last week - my mother showed him his room and he asked if his old nanny could have a room, too).

After nearly four months, should DS have bonded with his new nanny by now. Is it just never going to happen?

[Anonymous]

Four months is a long time in the life of a three-year-old. It certainly doesn't seem like he will bond with the new nanny in the same way he did his old nanny. But with you being a SAHM - does he need to bond with the new nanny?

[Anonymous]

Why do you have a weekend nanny? This is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have a weekend nanny? This is bizarre.

So tired of all the judgemental people in the world! Who cares why, does it matter? If she needs or wants the help and can afford it, good for her! I’m sure you can critique and improve upon your own life, so start there.

OP, sometimes people just don’t bond. I would probably start looking for someone new. I think the nanny-child relationship is very important, even for a 3 day gig. I wouldn’t be a nanny if I didn’t value the relationship tremendously.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your child feels insecure because you probably are not involved much. You don't need a nanny all weekend op. It's kind of ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

No nanny in her right mind wants to work weekends and especially not when the mom is a sahm. There's your problem op. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I run a nonprofit charity and weekends are always busy with events. I am home with my child five days a week and we pay our weekend nanny very well ($28 plus overtime).

Thanks to the two posters who actually answered my question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No nanny in her right mind wants to work weekends and especially not when the mom is a sahm. There's your problem op. Good luck.

I had great applicants to choose from when I hired our former and current nannies, so you are wrong about no one wanting the position. Both are in their right minds. And that has nothing st all to do with the question about bonding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No nanny in her right mind wants to work weekends and especially not when the mom is a sahm. There's your problem op. Good luck.

I had great applicants to choose from when I hired our former and current nannies, so you are wrong about no one wanting the position. Both are in their right minds. And that has nothing st all to do with the question about bonding.

Don’t worry about other people’s judgemental comments. It reflects poorly on them, not you. Have you asked the nanny about this? I think that is a good place to start. I had a part time gig once where the previous nanny and he eldest never bonded but she and I hit it off immediately. I would likely search for someone new and write this nanny a lovely letter of recommendation and serve as a reference. It sounds like she is good at her job, but just hasn’t clicked with your child.

[Anonymous]

We have had a liveIn weekend Nanny since our oldest was born. It’s such a luxury and we love it, not a bit ashamed!

OP - my DCs enjoy their nannies but they never bond that much with any of them, they know that caregivers come and go and family will always be here. If you’re happy with the current lady I wouldn’t give her up as weekend help is hard to find.

[Anonymous]

OP, she doesn't need to "bond." Bonding is for parents. As long as she is nice to the child and treats him well and is attentive that is all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I run a nonprofit charity and weekends are always busy with events. I am home with my child five days a week and we pay our weekend nanny very well ($28 plus overtime).

Thanks to the two posters who actually answered my question.

Why did you say you're a sahm? Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No nanny in her right mind wants to work weekends and especially not when the mom is a sahm. There's your problem op. Good luck.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what your definition of bonding is. Does he have fun with the nanny? Does he feel safe expressing emotions with her? Does he feel comfortable laughing and being silly and her presence? Is she calm and affectionate with him? If you are wanting him to forget about his previous nanny and are expecting him to stop talking about her as a benchmark that he has bonded sufficiently with the new nanny, then I think your expectations are just not realistic. The old nanny was a big part of his life and important person. Imagine losing someone that you used to see every week for your entire life as far back as you can remember. So he will probably never have that same bond with a different nanny. But he can have a different bond more like a friend versus a third parent.

As for practical advice to help you get there, I’m not sure what the schedule is, but if she is only coming over in the evenings and is only responsible for rushing him through the logistics of the bedtime routine and then putting him to bed, then he is going to associate her with Mom leaving and having to get ready for bed. That’s not going to be helpful in terms of getting them to connect. If that rings true, then I would see if she’s available to come over earlier in the day or on a different day when the three of you can do something fun all together, and then having her come a few more times to do something fun with your son like take him to a movie or museum or other outing he might enjoy.

Another thing to consider is that a lot of kids feel disloyal liking the new nanny or think on some level that if they just refuse to accept any new nannyies, then the old nanny will have to come back. If you think that might be a factor at all, you should invite both nannies to do something fun at the house together such as play card games with you and DS. Let old nanny know that the goal is for her to reinforce ny words and actions that it is OK to like the new nanny and it is not disloyal and that she loves him and will still be in his life.

[Anonymous]

I have a question for you OP?

Is this new girl w/your son only overnight when he sleeps?
Or is she actually w/him during the daytime as well?
Did the previous Nanny have more awake hours w/your son??

Perhaps that is why he still talks about the former Nanny.
Also, she was his first Nanny & he spent a lot of his formative years in her care so it is very natural that he bonded so strongly w/her.

This is a toughie.
On one hand you know she is a lovely Nanny, however you do not feel an actual bond there like you saw w/your son’s old Nanny.
Yet on the other hand there may never be another Nanny who will be able to emulate or share the very unique bond that was once so evident.
It is truly a toss up.

If it were me, I would probably keep the new Nanny w/the understanding that it may take a little longer for your son to bond w/her.
All bonds are unique in their own ways + this one may just take a little longer.

As long as she provides great care for your child, then I think that is a good, solid foundation to begin with.

Good luck!