What went wrong with your au pair?

[Anonymous]

One agency I talked to said they have a 10% rematch rate. We've met an au pair that we really like and are excited to join us. We haven't hit the match button yet but almost did last night. Our childcare needs are less intense than many who post here, our children are school aged and it would be mostly after school and then over the summer. Our older children are aging out of summer camps yet not at the point where they can spend summer days alone. I've relied on daycare/ after school when the kids were younger, though we have had live out nannies at certain times as well with mixed experiences. The cultural exchange part is very appealing to us. We look forward to taking her on what trips we can and having the children hear a new language and gain some insight into the world past this white bread area where they live. Also, the live-out nanny situation is very one-sided ... particularly when it comes to privacy. I did not care for the fact that this person was in our home daily, subject to all of our family personal information whether it came through the children, from seeing mail or mortgage bill on the desk, etc. and yet we knew only exactly what she wanted to reveal to us. It seems like with a live-in situation with an au pair, that the au pair has quite a bit of motivation to make it work and it could balance out the desire to understand each other and think about it from a shared lack of privacy perspective. Not to mention because their ability to stay in the country is on the line, are they not more motivated in that way as well? My husband and I are reasonable people, we don't like a lot of drama or conflict, "easy-going" is the most commonly used adjective I've heard people use to describe us. We wouldn't be the type to care if she takes 3 showers a day, or eats a bag of chips before bed, or stays locked in her skyping. We want her to participate in our lives as if she were a niece- obviously neither side wanting to spend all free time together, but joining us for trips to the beach and vacations (we'd probably have 2 week long vacations) We have selected someone who is sweet, kind, who has not asked us one question about what is in it for her. I know people are going to write and say don't push the match button. Yet, we feel excited and want to do this. What is going so wrong for everyone? What is the recipe for success? Why does everyone here say 50% rematch rate? Would some happy people please come in and weigh in?

[Anonymous]

HF have a "happy" year when their expectations are realistic in balancing the hosting/childcare/roommate/host parenting issues. It's a complicated dynamic, but can work out well. I think it's impossible to know about the many ifs until your AP arrives, and then you both need to work out the kinks.

[Anonymous]

The recipe for success is a very individual thing.

[Anonymous]

Have reasonable expectations
Be a good manager, address issues right away, redirect, reward
Expect some give and take, don't be petty, be generous when you can
Screen well, validate motivation, check references, don't settle, follow your gut
Agree to leave each other when things are still on the up and up (we personally prefer not to extend)

Our rematch rate was 12%. We could not 'connect' with our one and only rematch. She was likely undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. Sad, and not something I was able to realize until she came into our family. Otherwise met all the criteria perfectly. We rematched after 8 weeks.

[Anonymous]

My advice - the program is wonderful and it sounds like you will love it. But, you MUST thoroughly research your potential au pair. The agencies do not screen out bad candidates and a lot of au pair candidates sign up for the program to run away from something difficult in their personal lives. Definitely do not go with a smaller agency because if you do need a rematch, you will have very few in-country options for a replacement and can get stuck with Someone you never would have chosen otherwise and you'll be miserable. I think anyone can find themselves in need of a rematch and if it happens you want to give yourself the best opportunity for a successful re-do with a new person.

[Anonymous]

A lot of these girls are just flat-out lying about their skills, experience, and expectations. That's what went wrong. She had no experience or skills in childcare, cooking, driving, or anything else she claimed to have-- and it is very difficult to assess that when Skyping with someone in another country. It's not like they're going to be honest with you about whether they've crashed their car or got fired from their last 2 jobs (both true in the case of my au pair, but I found that out by accident after she was already in my house). And she resented being "underpaid", so she applied to a nanny agency on the side! That's what finally got her sent home by the agency-- the agencies don't care if the au pair neglects or harms your kids, but they DO care if she's planning to go AWOL and stop being a cash cow for the agency.

[Anonymous]

"Sweet and kind" does not equal a competent childcare provider and good roommate. You may think you have a nice gig because your kids are older and you won't use close to the 45 hours (same for me) but not all APs want this...some really wants young children, play on the floor, give baths, etc. She may not realize that you actually need an AP willing to Uber your older kids around, feed them, host their friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

We have an AP definitely on the spectrum. It's been a long year.

[Anonymous]

A lot of countries don't recognize or diagnose these disorders.

[Anonymous]

OP- a few thoughts.
1) If you found this board and are asking these questions, you are on the right track. I think AP/HF relationships are complicated and doing your research is smart.
2) I kind of wonder what the history was with the nanny /privacy stuff, sounds like you might have some baggage that you should try to figure out so it doesnt taint your AP experience.
3) Agree with PP re: "Sweet" au pairs. This is not a quality I care about, in fact I look for someone more of a self starter so I dont have to be her mom. We are all looking for something different, though, so maybe this will work for you.
4) One thing you might do before you hit "match" is send her your handbook and ask give her the chance to really understand what the gig is going to be like, maybe ask her some tough questions -- it will ease your mind.
5) I LOVE the AP program, I'm in year 4 having had both APs extend and am very happy. It works bc the personalities of the APs have really worked for our family and bc we all (HPs and AP) give each other plenty of space -- this allows us to enjoy each others company when we get the chance rather than feel like its an obligation.

GOOD LUCK!

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.

To be sucessful, I think you have to :

- make the AP comfortable as much as you can. Sometimes small gestures do wonders, like having the kids draw her a picture/card saying "welcome" and giving her a small welcome basket (water, m&ms, shampoo etc, small things). Tell her she can help yourself in the kitchen if she's hungry.
- Write a handbook and lay out all your rules ! AP are not mind readers, most of the time they haven't spent time outside of their own home.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm wondering why you care about the balance in lack of privacy so much. It really isn't going to be much different with an au pair, since very little of her past or stuff will travel with her. She is going to know everything about you that your children know, and with the perspective of an older outsider: your family dynamics, anything you leave lying around, she might even snoop a little. You will not know any of this about her.

I'd think through this aspect, because this person lives in your house, and if you're going to be uncomfortable, it's going to feel like you can't escape her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- a few thoughts.
1) If you found this board and are asking these questions, you are on the right track. I think AP/HF relationships are complicated and doing your research is smart.
2) I kind of wonder what the history was with the nanny /privacy stuff, sounds like you might have some baggage that you should try to figure out so it doesnt taint your AP experience.
3) Agree with PP re: "Sweet" au pairs. This is not a quality I care about, in fact I look for someone more of a self starter so I dont have to be her mom. We are all looking for something different, though, so maybe this will work for you.
4) One thing you might do before you hit "match" is send her your handbook and ask give her the chance to really understand what the gig is going to be like, maybe ask her some tough questions -- it will ease your mind.
5) I LOVE the AP program, I'm in year 4 having had both APs extend and am very happy. It works bc the personalities of the APs have really worked for our family and bc we all (HPs and AP) give each other plenty of space -- this allows us to enjoy each others company when we get the chance rather than feel like its an obligation.

GOOD LUCK!

OP here
The history with the privacy part is not really "baggage." It is just a certain feeling of vulnerability that I think anyone experiences when someone is spending 7 or 8 hours a day in their house when they aren't home. I think the best relationships are balanced ones and it feels odd to me to have my entire home and life an open book to this person, and yet have a person there whose private life I knew absolutely nothing about. I read some article too about how your cleaning lady knows everything about your life and it just opened my eyes to just how nosy people are. I don't have much to hide- I don't have an unusual mortgage, or past due notices coming in, or drugs stashed away.... so before someone jumps to that conclusion, I am talking about much more mundane things that you aren't embarrassed about or hiding, but would be disclosing to other people at a matched rate in a normal job environment. At least with a live in situation, both parties are vulnerable in that regard and I just think that could yield to people making a better connection and thinking about the concept of privacy in general and doing unto others type mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an AP definitely on the spectrum. It's been a long year.

Do you feel like you could have done anything to screen for it? I see people referring to screening but don't know what resources a potential HM has. They have things like criminal records, interviewing notes, proof of driving license etc.
But how can you know the good health report is accurate or be able to tell about the autism. Was there anything looking back that was a red flag? How many times did you Skype?

[Anonymous]

OP - Im the poster who mentioned baggage -- certainly didnt mean to be critical or judgmental, hope I didnt and dont now come across that way. BUT, there is something a little off about this vulnerability you feel/describe and it makes me worried that having a live in au pair wont actually be easier even though I guess there is more of a two way street. One of the things that is challenge having an au pair for our family - and we LOVE having au pairs - it how it impact my interactions with my husband, I hate feeling self conscious when we snipe/bicker in front of her. Think about if that would work for you.