What went wrong with your au pair?

[Anonymous]

Op, you're under the wrong impression about privacy, I'm afraid. The au pair will have access to your home and be there a lot when you aren't there. But you can't really go in her room which is where her entire "life" will be.

And as for screening, you really can't do it effectively all the time, because the au pairs conceal and lie about things. I had one who was so depressed she wouldn't leave her room for days at a time and who was clearly bulemic. She knew she needed to cover that up and she did until she was in my home. I tried very hard to help her and cared about her, when it became too much, guess what happened. The agency sent her to a new family and I was never contacted for a reference.

[Anonymous]

I agree with what others are saying about the privacy. I've had live-out nannies and au pairs and I actually think that the lack of privacy is MUCH more pronounced with au pairs. You might get an au pair that's super open about themselves and tells you everything , but more likely they will not tell you all the details of their personal life, and they will know a lot more about you than vice versa. They have a lot of "down time" in your house that nannies really don't have, since nannies are only there to work, then they go home to their 'real life'. Your au pair will watch all your family interactions, and many interactions with friends, in her off time, but most of her personal meet-ups will likely be away from you. I mean, she's here to observe and learn about "American Family Life", so in that way, you are a bit under the microscope just by the nature of it. Sure, she might tell you about her life at home and her customs and therefore you get some "exchange" , but 95% of the cultural exchange is going in her direction. For me, it was a challenge I had initially with the program, but I'm basically over it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have an AP definitely on the spectrum. It's been a long year.

Do you feel like you could have done anything to screen for it? I see people referring to screening but don't know what resources a potential HM has. They have things like criminal records, interviewing notes, proof of driving license etc.
But how can you know the good health report is accurate or be able to tell about the autism. Was there anything looking back that was a red flag? How many times did you Skype?

I am the original PP who mentioned autism. I hope this other PP will respond as well.

Note that most countries outside the US know very little about autism. AP did not try to conceal anything. She is likely unaware that she is on the spectrum. Interestingly, she used to work with autistic children, but her experience was with deeply autistic, non-verbal. That was her understanding of the condition.

We skyped multiple times. She was ok on Skype, perhaps a bit shy and quiet. But then again you interview someone, not in their native language, and they are nervous, how would you see the signs? She smiled a lot, she was very motivated, she was a hard worker, she had great credentials.

Any red flags? She was very very active online. Too active. Once she arrived here, I realized she barely had had a real life, she only had an online life. It makes sense now. That's where she is comfortable interacting with others.

The other flags were clear when she arrived: lack of social skills, awkward body language, she barely spoke to my husband in the 8 weeks she was here (not even hello), she got frustrated easily, she was slightly obsessed about certain things, she also lacked any and all self-confidence in doing anything on her own, all things that were difficult to assess during the interview.

If we were new host parents, we might have lived with it, since otherwise she was basically doing everything she needed to do. But we had hosted 5 APs before and we knew better, so we cut the cord early, before anyone got a chance to get too attached. We are still in touch. She even came back to visit. In the end, I am sure she was hurt that her dream got cut short (she went back home), but there doesn't seem to be animosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Im the poster who mentioned baggage -- certainly didnt mean to be critical or judgmental, hope I didnt and dont now come across that way. BUT, there is something a little off about this vulnerability you feel/describe and it makes me worried that having a live in au pair wont actually be easier even though I guess there is more of a two way street. One of the things that is challenge having an au pair for our family - and we LOVE having au pairs - it how it impact my interactions with my husband, I hate feeling self conscious when we snipe/bicker in front of her. Think about if that would work for you.

OP Here
I didn't mean it to sound like I was being overly defensive, I just got too wordy, and I didn't mean I thought you would jump to conclusions.... that was meant more for the people who troll the boards looking to make an issue where there isn't one. I thought your post was thoughtful and just wanted to answer that part and think it through. I think it is the issue that I want to actually know the person who is in my home if that makes any sense. I am expecting that this person really will feel like a niece instead of our live out nanny, who I didn't really know all that well because of the limited time we talked on the way in and out, and the one sided information exchange aspect.

[Anonymous]

I have had good years with my APs, but I never considered my relationships with them to be two-sided when it came to privacy. If anything, they knew much much more about our family life than my live-out nanny, and I knew much less about our APs lives. APs barely want their parents to know much about their teenage lives, and guess what- they want their HF to know very little as well.

[Anonymous]

Your AP will invite their friends over, during the day while you are away, and overnight, and they will all gossip about their HF with one another, and they will share the gossip with their Host parents as well as with your LCC. Privacy is not a reason to have an AP.

[Anonymous]

OP...I am not sure I am following your privacy logic with AP vs live out nanny? We are 4 year HF and believe me when I say that "privacy" is the biggest thing you give up with AP program. Let's say you are able to work from home on Monday. In the live-out nanny scenerio, you have your house to yourself. You can take a s In the AP scenerio, she is there with you. In fact, she is always there. Sunday morning when you want to run downstairs in your underwear to grab coffee and late on Friday night when you want to share a glass of wine and talk about private family matters or you want to yell at him about something stupid. And as PP described...your AP will talk about all of your family details with local APs...the good, bad, and ugly. And those APs will tell their HP. I have heard crazy things about HPs in my town from our APs...stuff I would really prefer to unhear.

Also, I hear people reference "niece" a lot on this board. You don't develop that kind of relationship overnight. She is not going to walk through the door and feel like a niece. And likely she will never truly feel like a niece because at the end of the day you are paying her to work for you and she is gone in 12 months.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why everyone is harping on the privacy issue.

OP is saying that with a nanny, it's a one way street- nanny is aware of family information but the family knows little about nanny. If this is a live in, it seems like a more 'equal' relationship. Of course, in the end you may end up knowing more than you really want to know: AP knows that host mom drinks too much wine at night and parents know that AP eats a lot of junk food. But my understanding is that it's a more 'even' relationship from a privacy perspective. I think this is what OP is trying to convey. This has nothing to do with gossip, which can happen regardless of the type of relationship.

[Anonymous]

NP here. We have hosted for 10 years. Initially, I felt like I was on display all the time. My finer parenting moments were seen along with my least fine moments. The best APs will keep silent about their judgments - or even have the grace, as a couple of ours have, to tell you later that they were wrong to judge you in their heads, that now that they understand what it's like to really be a full time worker and a full time parent, they are sorry for their judgments early on. Others won't be so kind. We had one who told me straight out that she thought she was better with my children than I was since they didn't cry with her and did with me. Luckily, I learned to nip comments like that in the bud and explain that kids hold it together for those they don't know and feel free to fall apart for those they trust. Still, the comments - and barely veiled judgment - hurt early on in a way that doesn't phase me now (literally nothing about me cares at this point what a 19 or 21 year old thinks of my parenting - I don't care about their judgment and I don't care about their praise either). If you can develop a stance of not caring that you are being watched (and sometimes judged) as a person, a spouse, a parent, a woman, etc) then hosting may be for you. If you're sensitive to this, though, this is a key reason I'd say that HMs on here and on aupairmom seem to struggle.

[Anonymous]

OP, when people say that the AP will feel like a niece, they mean that completely. They mean in the way that families are complicated, emotions run high, and the strong bonds complicate that. It also means that you grow to be very comfortable with your AP, and she with you. In the sort of way that can lead to bad behaviors on both sides. Yes, I'm saying all the bad things. I loved most of my APs. But if you walk into this with "I'm chill and she's cool, so bad things won't happen to us" in your head, things will go horribly wrong.

[Anonymous]

But if you walk into this with "I'm chill and she's cool, so bad things won't happen to us" in your head, things will go horribly wrong.


Yes, this. "Niece" is a loaded word so I don't even use it when I describe an AP relationship. And please, they aren't going to walk into your home and feel like your niece!

[Anonymous]

What went wrong? She refused to integrate and was socially delayed in every way.

[Anonymous]

You kind nner of sound like you have a fairy tale fantasy about hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your AP will invite their friends over, during the day while you are away, and overnight, and they will all gossip about their HF with one another, and they will share the gossip with their Host parents as well as with your LCC. Privacy is not a reason to have an AP.

This. I found out othet parents that I thought I knew well, our boys play together, smokes pot with their AuPair and have a filthy house outside of the main level. Hoarding levels.

I take no issue with smoking pot, but really question your character if you are doing it with your AuPair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What went wrong? She refused to integrate and was socially delayed in every way.

Wow we had the same au pair!