NF acting weird and unappreciative

[Anonymous]

I am good to this family. I work around their very odd schedules and interact well with their daughter. I am super reliable and never take sick days and am flexible to staying late if needs be. I have lots of experience and also am making sure homework gets done every night.
MB is a weird one. One day she will be super sweet and caring, almost excessively, the next (and what seems to be the case lately) is that she will send me abrupt texts and only speak to her kid when she walks through the door whilst ignoring me.
I only work for them 2 afternoons a week and a Sunday afternoon so only a couple of hours at a time.
Lately, I have seen a lot of DB and I kind of get the impression that he doesn't agree with how much I get paid as he thinks it is too much. For the record, I get paid the average so nothing excessive. Ever since I have been seeing him more,, MB seems to be asking me by text, quite abruptly to make sure homework gets done or to ask me to do another task and it is rarely asked politely. She also sent a weird text which seemed to imply in a passive aggressive sense that I wasn't tidying up properly. Again, I am very tidy and there would have been one game left out if that the night she text me.
I am paranoid that they discuss how little I do and DB seems to be watching me a lot like the other night, he came in and we were busy doing homework. I then tidied up and DB watched as I did it.
I don't feel they appreciate what I do and am not happy with the thought that they think I am not doing enough. Their daughter is hard to engage in anything and isn't the easiest of children but I interact with her constantly so it does hurt that they don't seem to appreciate anything and it is like they resent paying me. MB's have you ever felt like your nanny didn't desere her money or disagreed with your partner on the rate of pay? Sometimes I feel they only hire me as they know they will struggle to get someone to cover their weird shifts and that if I get a Christmas present it won't be because of the hard work I do but because they want to keep me through fear of having a nightmare of finding someone new.

[Anonymous]

MB here. I think my kid's nanny deserves every penny we pay her. Have you tried. Talking with them?

[Anonymous]

I am not sure what to say to them to be honest especially as MB in particular is not acting very approachable.
It is upsetting as I do so much for the family and they know I am highly experienced and that I adore their child. I feel like MB is just acting rude and ungrateful and DB has an issue with paying me. I think DB appreciates me however, just doesn't think I am worth what they pay which I don't think is fair. Childcare is expensive, I need to earn a living, it's the way it is you know?
There just seems to be an odd feeling when I am in their house and it isn't nice when I put a lot into it all. I feel kind of threatened being on their domain at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here. I think my kid's nanny deserves every penny we pay her. Have you tried. Talking with them?

Read OP's post. Obviously, both the father and mother are difficult and appear to unapproachable. OP, ask them out right if there is a problem. You need to be assertive. Personally, it is probably time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure what to say to them to be honest especially as MB in particular is not acting very approachable.
It is upsetting as I do so much for the family and they know I am highly experienced and that I adore their child. I feel like MB is just acting rude and ungrateful and DB has an issue with paying me. I think DB appreciates me however, just doesn't think I am worth what they pay which I don't think is fair. Childcare is expensive, I need to earn a living, it's the way it is you know?
There just seems to be an odd feeling when I am in their house and it isn't nice when I put a lot into it all. I feel kind of threatened being on their domain at the moment.

Tell them exactly what you say above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure what to say to them to be honest especially as MB in particular is not acting very approachable.
It is upsetting as I do so much for the family and they know I am highly experienced and that I adore their child. I feel like MB is just acting rude and ungrateful and DB has an issue with paying me. I think DB appreciates me however, just doesn't think I am worth what they pay which I don't think is fair. Childcare is expensive, I need to earn a living, it's the way it is you know?
There just seems to be an odd feeling when I am in their house and it isn't nice when I put a lot into it all. I feel kind of threatened being on their domain at the moment.

What you say is, "Is everything alright? I have been getting the impression you were unhappy with me based on our interactions lately, so wanted to check in with you."

[Anonymous]

I agree it is time to move on. I just can't afford to just leave straight away even though I want to quit right now. It feels horrible being in their domain knowing that they would rather I was not. They don't appreciate me and although DB is politer/kinder then MB, I still feel he would rather I wasn't there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree it is time to move on. I just can't afford to just leave straight away even though I want to quit right now. It feels horrible being in their domain knowing that they would rather I was not. They don't appreciate me and although DB is politer/kinder then MB, I still feel he would rather I wasn't there.

Sounds to me that even though he appears to be nicer to you, DB has been around more and likely criticizing your value to MB. She is feeling defensive and thus getting after you to appear more productive. I see this dynamic all the time. As pps have said, the best response is for you to ask them directly.

[Anonymous]

I think they have been talking to other families....You know...the ones who pay their nannies peanuts, yet expect the house to be cleaned along with childcare.

The ones who feel that since the Nanny is in the home, she might as well clean it.

Anyone who feels that way has zero respect for nannies and all that they bring to the table.

Start looking for a new position and when you get one, give this family notice.

You can do much better OP.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I think the person saying DB appears to be nicer but is critical of me is probably right.
I really feel anxious about going to work now and am starting to doubt my abilities.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are not good bosses and suck at having those difficult conversations. Particularly if MB and DB aren't on the same page.

It kind of sounds to me like you are working hard at all of the wrong things, OP. It sounds like you are working really hard to engage a reluctant elementary school child (pre-teen?), but what they really need from you is to do more tidying or whatever tasks she is texting you about.

Let go of any notions that you have about what a good nanny looks like, don't work so hard, and just do things that you think will make your MB and DBs lives easier. I am sure that I am alone here, but I would prefer to come home to a clean house rather than finding that my kids and nanny had played games and left me the pieces to pick up. I would actually prefer it if my nanny would arrange a playdate, and while the girls are playing, fold a load of laundry, pop something in the oven for dinner, and sit and read a magazine for an hour.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
The tasks are child related and ones I normally do already (Homework/spellings) which is why I get annoyed when she mentions it. The child is 7 years old and I was always employed as a nanny, not a cleaner/housekeeper. I do however, always tidy up/wash dishes even those that aren't mine or the childs. I never leave mess for them either and she has even said I don't need to worry about tidying up after her kid as she knows how untidy she is. This was said when I first started. However, I am learning that MB seems to say one thing but feels another.
If she wanted a housekeeper then she should have employed someone specifically to do that. Maybe that's what the problem is. They have decided they need a cleaner rather then a nanny. Personally, I would want someone to engage with my child, support them with homework, take them to the park etc but that's just me.
Either way, it is uncomfortable for me right now and I feel upset every time I am there as their behavior and expectations are not clear. I don't think even they know what they want but I agree with whoever said that they seem to be on different pages and therefore, I just can't win.

No nanny wants to feel her work and personal qualities are not being recognized. It is a horrible feeling as good nannies put so much into their jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The tasks are child related and ones I normally do already (Homework/spellings) which is why I get annoyed when she mentions it. The child is 7 years old and I was always employed as a nanny, not a cleaner/housekeeper. I do however, always tidy up/wash dishes even those that aren't mine or the childs. I never leave mess for them either and she has even said I don't need to worry about tidying up after her kid as she knows how untidy she is. This was said when I first started. However, I am learning that MB seems to say one thing but feels another.
If she wanted a housekeeper then she should have employed someone specifically to do that. Maybe that's what the problem is. They have decided they need a cleaner rather then a nanny. Personally, I would want someone to engage with my child, support them with homework, take them to the park etc but that's just me.
Either way, it is uncomfortable for me right now and I feel upset every time I am there as their behavior and expectations are not clear. I don't think even they know what they want but I agree with whoever said that they seem to be on different pages and therefore, I just can't win.

No nanny wants to feel her work and personal qualities are not being recognized. It is a horrible feeling as good nannies put so much into their jobs.

I know. But honestly, you don't speak for most parents. Every parent I know would prefer to spend their time with their children taking them to the park and engaging with them rather than spending it cleaning up after them.

I know it isn't fair. I will tell you when I was in medical school, I learned waay too late that no one really cared about my learning or how smart I was. All anyone wants is a little bit of a load off their shoulders. Once I stopped spending all of my time studying, going to clinic, witnessing surgeries, and doing all of the things they tell you to do, and started spending more time getting all of the paperwork done that I possibly could, following up on labs, and doing minor procedures that other people would otherwise have to do, I started getting honors in all of my rotations, rather than simply passing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I DO tidy up and clean though and I also do the interacting. I just feel it is nit picking and that I can't win whatever I do. Today, both parents came home in a great mood which is in complete contrast to what I normally get. It's ridiculous now as I feel we can't get any games out and that every tiny piece of equipment has to be put away as she get angry over it. MB in particular is very inconsistent and I actually feel really nervous around her as I don't know where I stand or what she is really feeling. I was worried about telling her we hadn't saved a spelling sheet that we were meant to have for tomorrow and she said 'Oh bless you honey. There is no need to think about that.' Where as at other times, something like that would make her mad.
What I do know is that this is nagging at my self esteem so best to get out now and find a more consistent/fair MB and DB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I DO tidy up and clean though and I also do the interacting. I just feel it is nit picking and that I can't win whatever I do. Today, both parents came home in a great mood which is in complete contrast to what I normally get. It's ridiculous now as I feel we can't get any games out and that every tiny piece of equipment has to be put away as she get angry over it. MB in particular is very inconsistent and I actually feel really nervous around her as I don't know where I stand or what she is really feeling. I was worried about telling her we hadn't saved a spelling sheet that we were meant to have for tomorrow and she said 'Oh bless you honey. There is no need to think about that.' Where as at other times, something like that would make her mad.
What I do know is that this is nagging at my self esteem so best to get out now and find a more consistent/fair MB and DB.

You need to have a sit-down with them out of earshot of the child and TALK about these issues! This will come up in every job at some point.