My charge acts obsessed with me and it's making me nuts

[Anonymous]

I've been with this family for around 9 months. I'm a nanny they have had longer than the other 3 before me. My charges are 2 and 4. The oldest goes to preschool half day 5 days per week and last spring he went 3 days. I keep the toddler all day. Over the summer I was with both full time of course. We went on many outings or "field trips" as we referred to them lol. My oldest is very attached to me which I expect considering I am with him 9.5 hours per day. However over the summer it turned into something that made me dread going to work. He is constantly all over me. It's like my body doesn't belong to me when I'm at work. He is always rubbing me, putting his head all over me, trying to be in my lap, pulling me and lately rubbing my legs and bottom. He began kissing me wherever he can and I always am gently telling him that if he wants to kiss me please do it on my cheek, not my thighs, arms etc

I discussed this with his mom and she just pushes it off and says how much he loves me. I know this. He will literally tell me he loves me every other half hour or so. No exaggeration. On the weekends she will text me that he has tantrums because I'm not coming and when he gets upset he tells her I should be his new mommy. She behaves like this should flatter me but I see it as disturbing. He gets extremely jealous when I have to give attention to his younger sibling and acts out. When I need to use the restroom or just get something across the room he usually screams "where are you going!?!?" Or will hang out outside the powder room.

I have been really working on "personal space" with him and using the hoola hoop as an example. I am used to kids wanting hugs periodically and reassurance etc. but this is very extreme. I am starting to feel like I'm being mean just because I have to constantly remind him that hugs are for special times and that my body is mine. Even when I do it in front of his mom she doesn't chime it or back me up just keeps talking like it's not happening and he doesn't hug her at all when she returns or leaves.

Am I overreacting here?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is very normal and healthy for a two year old to want frequent physical affection and touch. If he was home with a stay at home mom, then this would all be normal and good. That said, as a nanny, I think it is fair to draw some boundaries. Maybe try starting the day with 30 minutes of cuddles and reading books to get him started on the right foot. Then have him ask for a hug when he wants one and when he asks, be sure to give him a night long and tight hug. Throughout there day, carve out time to proactively give him some physical touch. With all of that, the constant grabbing should lessen. He clearly has a need that is not being met here.

[Anonymous]

This is not unusual toddler behavior.

Try giving him 5 minutes of "all in" time - lots of physical contact, snuggling, wrestling, etc... and then having him play more independently - or with an engaged activity that doesn't have physical contact (like coloring with you, or play-doh or something.)

Give him a solid dose of what he craves, and then teach him about boundaries on that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is very normal and healthy for a two year old to want frequent physical affection and touch. If he was home with a stay at home mom, then this would all be normal and good. That said, as a nanny, I think it is fair to draw some boundaries. Maybe try starting the day with 30 minutes of cuddles and reading books to get him started on the right foot. Then have him ask for a hug when he wants one and when he asks, be sure to give him a night long and tight hug. Throughout there day, carve out time to proactively give him some physical touch. With all of that, the constant grabbing should lessen. He clearly has a need that is not being met here.

This isn't my 2 year old acting this way. It's my FOUR year old charge that does this all day. My 2 year old is more independent acting than the oldest and runs to me for hugs and cuddles occasionally but mostly only when he is sleepy or has a boo boo. But the older one is all over me all of the time. Today when I was making lunch for instance I had to say excuse me to him repeatedly because he will actually try to stand between me and the counter. Sometimes I accidentally step on him because he is RIGHT THERE all of the time. I allow him to help fix lunch and snacks because I figure that way he will be near me but not in the way but even then he nearly falls off his stool trying to hug me and rub on me while I'm letting him spread or slice.

After story time and when I'm leaving him to rest or have his quiet time, he wants to hug me five times, I always have to ask him to let go. Sorry I feel really irritated just thinking about it right now. I love him so much but this is very excessive and I don't want to encourage this clinginess by participating all the time. When I picked him up from school today he wouldn't even tell his teachers bye or give them a hug because he was too concerned about jumping on me and letting me know how much he missed me while I was gone. Everyone that sees this thinks it's so sweet and adorable but it is far from that when its happening every 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not unusual toddler behavior.

Try giving him 5 minutes of "all in" time - lots of physical contact, snuggling, wrestling, etc... and then having him play more independently - or with an engaged activity that doesn't have physical contact (like coloring with you, or play-doh or something.)

Give him a solid dose of what he craves, and then teach him about boundaries on that time.

I'm going to have to go back and read my op because I think I made it clear it is the 4 year old NOT a little 2 year old doing this. Sorry if I didn't. But anyway I have something I call "cozy time" with him so that he can snuggle with me and it's just us 2 when the baby is down and read etc. but that seems to make him want even more. Ive been discussing boundaries and personal space with him. It's gotten to the point where I don't even sit next to him on the sofa much because he will find a way to rub on me or grab parts of me and I don't think this is normal at all.

[Anonymous]

I think the child needs a more nurturing and loving nanny that will not be mad at him showing normal affection for his age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the child needs a more nurturing and loving nanny that will not be mad at him showing normal affection for his age.

Oh please I pray you are troll. There is way more at play here than that. I love this child a lot and nurture him very much. But this is not normal. Especially for him to not even touch or hug his own parents and only cling to me. 4 year olds should not constantly walk next to an adult wrapped around her thigh as she walks from point a to point b in the house.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but I did experience something alike with a charge, too. Not as extreme as yours though! I remember being irritated when he would wrap himself around my legs while I was changing the baby to the point that I tripped over him once and nearly dropped his sister. I don't remember exactly how old he was, late three-early four, probably. But it kind of went away after a while. I don't remember doing anything specific except for telling him he was hurting me when he was getting too rough and asking him to be gentle. And the usual 'it's lunch time, not hug time - hug time is after lunch'.

Hope he grows out of it soon, it is annoying! And I don't doubt you love him but kids can be too much, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but I did experience something alike with a charge, too. Not as extreme as yours though! I remember being irritated when he would wrap himself around my legs while I was changing the baby to the point that I tripped over him once and nearly dropped his sister. I don't remember exactly how old he was, late three-early four, probably. But it kind of went away after a while. I don't remember doing anything specific except for telling him he was hurting me when he was getting too rough and asking him to be gentle. And the usual 'it's lunch time, not hug time - hug time is after lunch'.

Hope he grows out of it soon, it is annoying! And I don't doubt you love him but kids can be too much, that's for sure.

Thank you so much for this! Whew I was beginning to question myself. I've been working with children for 10 years and have had charges this age before and can't recall them being this touchy and clingy, but was like maybe in forgetting and they were? Lol but defintely not. I remember having to ask for hugs myself sometimes from my last 4 yr old boy. I do believe it has a lot to do with the younger sibling now that you mention about yours. He is very jealous and territorial when his little brother is around me. Hopefully he is going to grow out of this and it's just this way due to spending the entire summer with me, his family didn't even go on a vacation. I did for a week and he was horrible to my fill in. So now that school is back in I'm hoping some of these hugs will become shared between his teachers and I.

I'm defintely going to try using the "it's not hug, time it's _____ time" with him because my saying "hugs are for special times" seems to not work. Thanks a ton!

[Anonymous]

The two possible explanations that pop into my mind are that either he is just engaged in sensory seeking behavior in general (a lot of kids who have trouble regulating sensory systems will need a lot of sensory input, and constantly want touching and hugging, etc.). If that were the case, you would see him seeking out other types of sensory input such as always touching walls when he walks down the hallway, fiddling with toys, possibly putting things in his mouth, etc.

The other thing that might explain how extreme this behavior is is if he has some attachment issues. You say that he has had three nannies before you, none of whom were around for very long. It also sounds as if the parents are a little bit detached, So he may not have had a strong attachment figure when he was very young. If that is the case, he may not have a sense of what a healthy attachment relationship feels like, and he is trying to get you to bond with him in a way that is not age-appropriate because he didn't get those needs met when he was a baby/toddler. If that rings true for you at all, then I would look more into attachment disorders and try to get some ideas for how to work with him.

[Anonymous]

The child clearly has needs that aren't being met. You sound annoyed, which probably isn't the best approach. Maybe he's on the needy end of normal, or maybe he has something going on. Either way I do think that it would be kinder and more helpful to start from a more positive mindset.

I feel sorry for the little guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The child clearly has needs that aren't being met. You sound annoyed, which probably isn't the best approach. Maybe he's on the needy end of normal, or maybe he has something going on. Either way I do think that it would be kinder and more helpful to start from a more positive mindset.

I feel sorry for the little guy.

I sound annoyed because I am venting to other nannies and adults and have the right to be honest. I clearly don't display this at work. Being annoyed is not a mindset it is a feeling. He OBVIOUSLY has something going on hence my seeking advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The two possible explanations that pop into my mind are that either he is just engaged in sensory seeking behavior in general (a lot of kids who have trouble regulating sensory systems will need a lot of sensory input, and constantly want touching and hugging, etc.). If that were the case, you would see him seeking out other types of sensory input such as always touching walls when he walks down the hallway, fiddling with toys, possibly putting things in his mouth, etc.

The other thing that might explain how extreme this behavior is is if he has some attachment issues. You say that he has had three nannies before you, none of whom were around for very long. It also sounds as if the parents are a little bit detached, So he may not have had a strong attachment figure when he was very young. If that is the case, he may not have a sense of what a healthy attachment relationship feels like, and he is trying to get you to bond with him in a way that is not age-appropriate because he didn't get those needs met when he was a baby/toddler. If that rings true for you at all, then I would look more into attachment disorders and try to get some ideas for how to work with him.

Thank you! I think both of your assessments may be onto something. His parents are a bit detached at times and his own father acts like he can't stand him sometimes due to other behavioral issues he has when I am not around. I am going to suggest that he be evaluated because it sounds like he may benefit from some occupational therapy. The positive thing about them is they are very open to suggestions and input when it comes to him and value the opinions of his caregivers and teachers.

I appreciate you taking time to read and respond

[Anonymous]

This behavior is a little bizarre to me.

While I think it is lovely that he feels a tight bond w/you (considering the amount of time he spends in a week w/you), it sounds like he is a child who is lacking deep, personal affection from his parents.

Do you see them as cold, not at all affectionate w/their children??
Do you think his mother also acts indifferent toward him as she seems to around you?

Regardless she needs to back you up about his clinginess.
It isn't fair that you have to deal w/all this on your own.
Together you can both be firm & consistent until the behavior improves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This behavior is a little bizarre to me.

While I think it is lovely that he feels a tight bond w/you (considering the amount of time he spends in a week w/you), it sounds like he is a child who is lacking deep, personal affection from his parents.

Do you see them as cold, not at all affectionate w/their children??
Do you think his mother also acts indifferent toward him as she seems to around you?

Regardless she needs to back you up about his clinginess.
It isn't fair that you have to deal w/all this on your own.
Together you can both be firm & consistent until the behavior improves.

Thank you it is bizarre. Like I mentioned in another post he has had some behavioral issues so it's obvious that his dad is a little over it, he pushes him away a lot because it can be a lot to deal with. I've had to sit them down a couple of times already about other things that I observed and felt were contributing to the behavior. Like shooing him away like a fly just makes him turn it up a notch. Or telling him not to do something but then once he does it anyway not intervening and stopping but just letting it go because they don't want to deal. He in essence ignores their voices and doesn't listen to them at all now. I've stressed eye contact and direct communication would help a lot. Mb is more affectionate than the dad but because he isn't very clingy with her and more so with me, I've noticed she doesn't push for hugs etc from him. When she comes home she never even asks for a hug or kiss anymore and when the toddler was younger I had to literally put him in her arms because she wouldn't take him from me. Yet at the same time she holds him a lot. I don't know if that makes sense. Like she holds him to keep him out of things but not because it's her baby and she needs a hug from him.

They (parents) both complain about how hands off their parents are as grandparents and how disinterested they seem. So I feel this may be something that is just a part of who they are. Every art project we have done, drawing at school, hand writing practice sheet etc goes straight in the garbage that night. Nothing gets put up or displayed. It was unbelievable when I first started. I would look for something and he would say "oh mommy threw it in the trash after you left last night" I thought he was making it up but he wasn't. She's not mean at all and loves him a lot but it's just some parental instincts lacking with them.

It's never occurred to me before talking with you all that all of this is tied together and that he could be overcompensating with me. I just assumed once I left he did the same thing to her. But lately is when I realized he doesn't embrace her physically when she leaves it comes back. And that's only because I have been redirecting his affection for me onto her to make him let me go. She just watches. But db constantly wants a hug from my younger charge.