New nanny and my close friend telling different accounts, I don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

A new nanny started watching my 1 yo daughter. She is in her 20s, has years of nanny experience with babies and toddlers, and her one big strength, which she emphasized during the interview and was and is very important to me, was that she loves to play with the kids and they love her for it. She regularly flops on the floor so she's eye level with my daughter and seems very engaging. Having said that, I have seen lots of nannies who ignore their charges in public and know that nannies can have very different personas in front of and away from the parents. The nanny took my daughter to a library story time where my good friend goes regularly and I asked this friend to observe the nanny and give me her opinion of her.

After the story time, I talked with my friend and she said that her impression was that the nanny was one of those "lazy nannies" who don't really participate in the games or interact with the child. She told me that she looked over at the nanny three times during the story time and each time long enough that she could gauge whether the nanny was participating. (The story time has lots of songs where the caregiver is supposed to play with the baby.) She said each of those times, when the caregivers were supposed to actively participate, the nanny was just sitting there holding the baby. Later on, I asked the nanny how she liked story time and she enthused that it was great and that she knew all the songs. I mentioned that my friend had spotted her and my daughter and what my friend said and the nanny vehemently insisted that she had been actively participating during every song. I have compared their stories and asked for further detail from both of them and without going into everything, suffice to say there is no way they are both telling the truth. For instance, there is a "tickling song" and the nanny insists she tickled the baby throughout the whole song when prompted. I asked if maybe she took a break from the tickling or if she tickled not very long each time (I know, the conversation was getting ridiculous), and the nanny said no, there is no way my friend could have looked at her and not seen her tickling the baby. I asked my friend if maybe she had just missed her tickling (like if she just glanced over) and she is equally vehement that the nanny definitely was not actively participating through parts of the song and that the nanny is lying.

Story time is only 30 minutes once a week and I would like the nanny to be actively engaged for those 30 minutes. Having said that, if she had told me, yes, she took some breaks in participating because she was tired , I would be fine with this explanation and let it go. But what bothers me is that she and my friend are contradicting each other and my friend has no reason to lie whereas the nanny does. I feel like I have no choice but to think the nanny is lying. Or maybe she sincerely believes what she is saying, but maybe is misremembering because she wasn't totally paying attention during the whole story time. If she is lying, that is grounds for dismissal. But if she is misremembering, I still think this is bad, but not as compelling as lying. I am really ambivalent and would love to hear what other people think of the situation.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a micromanager. What a weird story.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like a nightmare. I honestly would be surprised if that nanny was still around by the next story time.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you have other mental health issues?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am not worried the nanny will leave us. I told her upfront that I was a micromanager and she said no big deal, my last employer is, too. I've talked to her last employer and believe me, she is more cray-cray than I am!

I know the story sounds ridiculous and it did to me, too, while it was happening. I know it is absurd that I keep asking her about her level of participation. I honestly would not care except for the fact that it highlights that either my friend or she (more likely) is lying to me. There have been a couple other incidents that made me question her veracity and sincerity and with my friend insisting she's lying, could be the final straw.

And I don't know if anyone is critical of me having my friend observe the nanny, but I feel 100% justified in doing this. I would rather know in the beginning if there is anything for me to worry about, not live with months of suspicions then find out then that something was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'm not sure you are cut out for having a nanny, OP. Why not try a center where things are tightly controlled? Some have video cameras where you can live stream what's going on. You might find more comfort in that.

[Anonymous]

MB here - I don't have any issue at all with you asking your friend to report to you what she saw, but I agree with others that it sounds like you aren't cut out for a nanny or you will have to pay $$$$ to find one with the skills and attitude that you're looking for who can handle the level of micromanaging that you're proposing. I can't imagine quizzing my nanny on exactly how she participated in story time, but I can imagine that if I did the way that you describe she'd think I was insane - and I have a fantastic professional nanny who goes over and above what I'd ever hoped for with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'm not sure you are cut out for having a nanny, OP. Why not try a center where things are tightly controlled? Some have video cameras where you can live stream what's going on. You might find more comfort in that.

OP again. We've had a nanny before and she left because she moved. We were very happy with her. I don't feel the need to control the nanny, but I need to feel a certain level of trust. I trusted our last nanny until the day she left and trust our babysitters. I hired this nanny largely because I thought she would actively engage my child and play with her. If she won't do that, then to put it bluntly, she's not worth hiring IMO because with young nannies, we're trading this off against maternal experience. Anyway, the two times I got home early, I found her spacing out. Like sitting a distance away from my daughter or sitting near her but looking off at nowhere. When I've arrived on time, she is playing with my daughter. I don't know if it's just coincidence that when I "catch" her, she's spacing out or just bad luck of hers. I think it's good practice to keep an eye on your nanny, whether it's a nanny cam or following her one day. I'd rather be paranoid than wrong on something having to do with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here - I don't have any issue at all with you asking your friend to report to you what she saw, but I agree with others that it sounds like you aren't cut out for a nanny or you will have to pay $$$$ to find one with the skills and attitude that you're looking for who can handle the level of micromanaging that you're proposing. I can't imagine quizzing my nanny on exactly how she participated in story time, but I can imagine that if I did the way that you describe she'd think I was insane - and I have a fantastic professional nanny who goes over and above what I'd ever hoped for with my kids.

OP again. I'm happy to pay the $$$ for a high quality professional nanny, but they're not easy to find. How do I find them?? I was going to go through agencies, but my mom friends all tell me word of mouth is the best way to find a great nanny. This is what I did and honestly, am not thrilled with the results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here - I don't have any issue at all with you asking your friend to report to you what she saw, but I agree with others that it sounds like you aren't cut out for a nanny or you will have to pay $$$$ to find one with the skills and attitude that you're looking for who can handle the level of micromanaging that you're proposing. I can't imagine quizzing my nanny on exactly how she participated in story time, but I can imagine that if I did the way that you describe she'd think I was insane - and I have a fantastic professional nanny who goes over and above what I'd ever hoped for with my kids.

Oh and the only reason I quizzed her about her participation was because it was only fair that I give her a chance to tell her side of the story. I don't think it's too much to ask that a nanny participate during a 30 minute story time and if she really is a lazy nanny who just sits there as my friend said she was doing, I would let her go. But I wouldn't want to fire her without letting her defend herself.

And if anyone is implying that it's okay for a nanny to just sit there without any good reason (not feeling well, being tired), then well your standards for your kids are different from my standards for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is lying because she wants to hire Nanny away from you.

You called your Nanny a liar. She should run from you because you do not trust her and once trust is broken, all else is lost.

[Anonymous]

Are you "on" with your children every second of every day? Why on earth wouldn't you just ask your friend to keep an eye on them? Maybe your nanny would have been extremely engaged next week. But now you've told her you have friends spying on her and think she's a liar? Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you get cams to monitor her all they long? or tell her what you want ,need her to do every day , every hour . simple . tell her to write down everything she does with the little girl.

[Anonymous]

You are over-thinking this way too much. It is kind of a weird tale too.

I feel sorry for anyone who cares for your daughter. To be exposed to such scrutiny is slowly going to erode any existing trust plus you will end up with a revolving door of nannies for your poor daughter.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. You should read your original post again and take a good long time to think about if you want to be the kind of person who quizzes their nanny about how much they tickled the baby during the tickle song. You sound absolutely off your rocker and you should understand that "oh, I'm a micromanager!" isn't enough to excuse unprofessional behaviour.