Nanny spending time with husband during work

[Anonymous]

Our nanny is great and does a great job with our toddler DS. She takes the bus to our home in the morning, and her husband picks her up at night on his way home from work. Often I come home from work to find her husband hanging out with her and DS. She has never let him inside our home (that I know of), but they will be hanging around in our front yard, walking around the neighborhood, etc. It kind of bothers me and I don't know why- I see her husband every day and he is a really nice guy. It just feels kind of inappropriate that she is spending her work time socializing. I don't know whether to say something- I don't want to make a big deal, especially when I don't know how long he has been there (he may have just gotten there 5 mins before I get home for all I know). Would this bother you?

[Anonymous]

If it bothers you, you had best discuss it.

[Anonymous]

would you feel better if he was just sitting in the car in front of your house? What if the neighborhood busybody sent out a notice about the man parked in front of your house every day? Would that bother you?

I honestly don't think it's a problem, but you could always breezily say Oh hi John, have you been waiting long? And he'll either say no, I just pulled up before you did or yeah, I get off at 4 and got here at 4:30 or whatever.

Ask, and proceed accordingly. But I personally don't think it's a big deal. Not as weird as him sitting in the car, all cramped, and tapping his toes waiting for you to get there so he can get out of the damn car. But that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Offer to drive her home or be decent and invite him in.

[Anonymous]

It would bother me. We did a background check and checked references for our nanny, not her family members, friends, etc. I'd try to find a casual way to bring it up. On the positive side, he's only hanging around outside, in broad daylight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would bother me. We did a background check and checked references for our nanny, not her family members, friends, etc. I'd try to find a casual way to bring it up. On the positive side, he's only hanging around outside, in broad daylight.

What would you say?

[Anonymous]

The only reason you're trying to control this is because you think you can. Take a step back and look at this logically. Your nanny takes your toddler out during the day. Concieveably they interact with lots of people on a regular basis, even *gasp* men. You say your nanny is great, you trust her and her judgement, and she married this man. You know him. She doesn't bring him inside, they walk the neighborhood in broad daylight. Your fear is irrational.

If your issue is that she's getting to spend time with her husband, I say this as respectfully as possible, but get over it. Nannies don't make tons of money. These are the little things that make the job worth it. We're not locked in an office environment with stuffy rules, and it is possible to care for a child and enjoy the company of your husband at the same time. I'm sure you do it daily.

They aren't spending the whole day together, just a little bit at the end of the day before he picks her up. They sound very sweet and loving, which is a GOOD thing for your kid to see. Don't create problems where there are none OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only reason you're trying to control this is because you think you can. Take a step back and look at this logically. Your nanny takes your toddler out during the day. Concieveably they interact with lots of people on a regular basis, even *gasp* men. You say your nanny is great, you trust her and her judgement, and she married this man. You know him. She doesn't bring him inside, they walk the neighborhood in broad daylight. Your fear is irrational.

If your issue is that she's getting to spend time with her husband, I say this as respectfully as possible, but get over it. Nannies don't make tons of money. These are the little things that make the job worth it. We're not locked in an office environment with stuffy rules, and it is possible to care for a child and enjoy the company of your husband at the same time. I'm sure you do it daily.

They aren't spending the whole day together, just a little bit at the end of the day before he picks her up. They sound very sweet and loving, which is a GOOD thing for your kid to see. Don't create problems where there are none OP

this, let it go OP

[Anonymous]

We had a nanny where this got out of control. It started out with him coming a few minutes early to pick her up and say hi to the kids, then he started coming to have lunch with her, then he started sometimes meeting them at the park, and finally we got into territory where I felt like she was, at times, letting him share childcare duties (especially at the park or something -- there were three children 3 and under).

So, I did sit down with her and say exactly what you said here: I had hired her, not him, he seemed great and I trusted her judgement, but I had also run background checks on her, interviewed her, she had the CPR and First Aid training, and I had trust in her. I also said that I knew they were young and newlywed, and loved being together, but that I would appreciate keeping the lunch dates to a rare treat (like once a month, maybe), and that she let me know if she needed help for outings.

I also said it was fine with me if he joined them sometimes at the park or somewhere (because it was fine with me), but that she was in charge, and she needed to make sure everyone was safe, and he was following whatever the rules were, too (things like, if a child says "stop," you stop if you're tickling him).

My other thought was liability, actually. I didn't have worker's comp on him, and was not interested in covering damage to his car or belongings. In fact, before we had this conversation, he broke his phone when he forgot to take it out his pocket while playing with the kids at the park (he went upside down on a bar). I did not offer to pay for that.

[Anonymous]

Your story sounds over the top, 9:19. You don't need liability insurance for your non-employee at the park, silly.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks, all- these replies have been very helpful! I am going to let it go (unless it turns into a childcare duty sharing issue, which hasn't happened yet in the 6 months nanny has been with us).

[Anonymous]

We were in a similar situation with our previous nanny who was meeting up with her BF for lunch. I knew that she was taking DD out for lunch a lot, I just didn't realize that it was actually her BF who was treating them. When I realized what was going on I wasn't thrilled (more for the lack of transparency in the way it started rather than the actual hanging out with BF thing) but I recognized that her BF worked evenings and was free during the day and it wasn't harming anyone and let it go. Fast forward a few years and even though she's no longer our nanny, they still ask to come over to visit the kids and even asked to go to church with us for Easter and then treated us to lunch afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a nanny where this got out of control. It started out with him coming a few minutes early to pick her up and say hi to the kids, then he started coming to have lunch with her, then he started sometimes meeting them at the park, and finally we got into territory where I felt like she was, at times, letting him share childcare duties (especially at the park or something -- there were three children 3 and under).

So, I did sit down with her and say exactly what you said here: I had hired her, not him, he seemed great and I trusted her judgement, but I had also run background checks on her, interviewed her, she had the CPR and First Aid training, and I had trust in her. I also said that I knew they were young and newlywed, and loved being together, but that I would appreciate keeping the lunch dates to a rare treat (like once a month, maybe), and that she let me know if she needed help for outings.

I also said it was fine with me if he joined them sometimes at the park or somewhere (because it was fine with me), but that she was in charge, and she needed to make sure everyone was safe, and he was following whatever the rules were, too (things like, if a child says "stop," you stop if you're tickling him).

My other thought was liability, actually. I didn't have worker's comp on him, and was not interested in covering damage to his car or belongings. In fact, before we had this conversation, he broke his phone when he forgot to take it out his pocket while playing with the kids at the park (he went upside down on a bar). I did not offer to pay for that.

Wow. This is all ridiculous. Do you really think your nanny needs to be reminded to tell her husband to stop if her husband is tickling them?
Why would you be liable for him at a park? Did they ask you to pay for the phone?

[Anonymous]

This is 7:15. Personally, I would say something like the following. "I've noticed your husband is here frequently when I get home. How long is he typically here before I arrive? ...Ok, thank you for telling me. It is very important to me to hear about and know what is going on during the days, so I was surprised to see your husband here regularly because we hadn't discussed other people being with you and the kids on a regular basis. I know you love your husband and he seems like a lovely person. However, we interviewed you, talked to your references, got to know you. We don't know your husband and, not knowing him, are uncomfortable with him being around our children regularly." If I was ok with him, I'd still want to do a background check if he was going to be in my house and, if this is a regular occurrence, changes are he would be when the weather isn't nice. I don't think you can be too careful. You're the parent and the one ultimately responsible for safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a nanny where this got out of control. It started out with him coming a few minutes early to pick her up and say hi to the kids, then he started coming to have lunch with her, then he started sometimes meeting them at the park, and finally we got into territory where I felt like she was, at times, letting him share childcare duties (especially at the park or something -- there were three children 3 and under).

So, I did sit down with her and say exactly what you said here: I had hired her, not him, he seemed great and I trusted her judgement, but I had also run background checks on her, interviewed her, she had the CPR and First Aid training, and I had trust in her. I also said that I knew they were young and newlywed, and loved being together, but that I would appreciate keeping the lunch dates to a rare treat (like once a month, maybe), and that she let me know if she needed help for outings.

I also said it was fine with me if he joined them sometimes at the park or somewhere (because it was fine with me), but that she was in charge, and she needed to make sure everyone was safe, and he was following whatever the rules were, too (things like, if a child says "stop," you stop if you're tickling him).

My other thought was liability, actually. I didn't have worker's comp on him, and was not interested in covering damage to his car or belongings. In fact, before we had this conversation, he broke his phone when he forgot to take it out his pocket while playing with the kids at the park (he went upside down on a bar). I did not offer to pay for that.

Wow. This is all ridiculous. Do you really think your nanny needs to be reminded to tell her husband to stop if her husband is tickling them?
Why would you be liable for him at a park? Did they ask you to pay for the phone?

No one thinks they have liability until something happens and they do. Yes, if my nanny's husband was watching my children and got badly injured doing something like climbing up a slide, did I want to get into a "thing" with them over who owed for the doctor bills that my worker's comp would not cover? As for the phone, again, he was entertaining my children. I would have paid for the nanny's phone no question. The fact that she told me about the broken phone, twice, suggested that maybe she was thinking I should chip in. I don't know. I didn't want there to be any grey area. If there's one thing I've learned from this board, if there's any grey area at all, nannies expect the NFs to pay.

And she was not telling him to stop, not in the moment, at least not when they were in the playroom at my house. I think she didn't like to be authoritarian with her husband, so she was making little "suggestions" like, "maybe you should tone it down," or, "I don't think he likes that," and he was ignoring her. I needed her to be in charge.

This is one of those job issues where I needed to be an actual manager. If you blur the lines between your personal and employment lives, you invite your boss to tell you how to manage it on the boss's dime.