Nanny spending time with husband during work

[Anonymous]

PP, we are kindred spirits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a nanny where this got out of control. It started out with him coming a few minutes early to pick her up and say hi to the kids, then he started coming to have lunch with her, then he started sometimes meeting them at the park, and finally we got into territory where I felt like she was, at times, letting him share childcare duties (especially at the park or something -- there were three children 3 and under).

So, I did sit down with her and say exactly what you said here: I had hired her, not him, he seemed great and I trusted her judgement, but I had also run background checks on her, interviewed her, she had the CPR and First Aid training, and I had trust in her. I also said that I knew they were young and newlywed, and loved being together, but that I would appreciate keeping the lunch dates to a rare treat (like once a month, maybe), and that she let me know if she needed help for outings.

I also said it was fine with me if he joined them sometimes at the park or somewhere (because it was fine with me), but that she was in charge, and she needed to make sure everyone was safe, and he was following whatever the rules were, too (things like, if a child says "stop," you stop if you're tickling him).

My other thought was liability, actually. I didn't have worker's comp on him, and was not interested in covering damage to his car or belongings. In fact, before we had this conversation, he broke his phone when he forgot to take it out his pocket while playing with the kids at the park (he went upside down on a bar). I did not offer to pay for that.

Wow. This is all ridiculous. Do you really think your nanny needs to be reminded to tell her husband to stop if her husband is tickling them?
Why would you be liable for him at a park? Did they ask you to pay for the phone?

No one thinks they have liability until something happens and they do. Yes, if my nanny's husband was watching my children and got badly injured doing something like climbing up a slide, did I want to get into a "thing" with them over who owed for the doctor bills that my worker's comp would not cover? As for the phone, again, he was entertaining my children. I would have paid for the nanny's phone no question. The fact that she told me about the broken phone, twice, suggested that maybe she was thinking I should chip in. I don't know. I didn't want there to be any grey area. If there's one thing I've learned from this board, if there's any grey area at all, nannies expect the NFs to pay.

And she was not telling him to stop, not in the moment, at least not when they were in the playroom at my house. I think she didn't like to be authoritarian with her husband, so she was making little "suggestions" like, "maybe you should tone it down," or, "I don't think he likes that," and he was ignoring her. I needed her to be in charge.

This is one of those job issues where I needed to be an actual manager. If you blur the lines between your personal and employment lives, you invite your boss to tell you how to manage it on the boss's dime.

Sorry, but this just sounds like a case of you having an idiot for a nanny. If my husband broke his phone spending time with me at my job, he and I would both know that it was on him. My husband also knows better than to touch someone else's kids except where necessary (helping them onto the swings) and would never continue a game the child asked to stop. If you have a nanny with good judgement, these are non issues.

I can't imagine a single MB here has not had their partner or friend meet them at their place of work to go out for lunch. My father was a frequent visitor to my mother's office growing up. Making an issue of this just seems mean spirited.

[Anonymous]

Huge, huge difference between meeting a friend or spouse at your office or a restaurant for lunch, vs. bringing someone a family doesn't know around that family's children, with out the family's prior approval. But lets not delve into the differences between caring for children vs. other work settings. They're obvious, and if you don't like them, chose a profession other than child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huge, huge difference between meeting a friend or spouse at your office or a restaurant for lunch, vs. bringing someone a family doesn't know around that family's children, with out the family's prior approval. But lets not delve into the differences between caring for children vs. other work settings. They're obvious, and if you don't like them, chose a profession other than child care.

1. These are not clandestine meetings. There is no secret here, and they are meeting in public. If you have given your nanny the freedom to take your child in public, they interact with people you don't know without your explicit permission daily.

2. You're right, being a nanny is different than working in an office setting. Nannies don't get lunch breaks, and we work longer hours. One of the benefits is generally having the freedom to spend your day how you like, and maybe that means meeting your husband at the park with the kids for lunch occasionally. Maybe it means your husband joining you on a walk with the kids at the end of the day before pickup. Denying your nanny these small pleasures puts you in the realm of nanny employers who won't let nanny leave the house or access the internet. The kind of people that suck to work for and don't keep good nannies very long.

3. I'm sure it's fun as an MB to toss around the old "don't like it, find a new profession" crap, but a nanny can just as easily say these are my expectations as a nanny and if YOU don't like it, feel free to find a new nanny. OP has already responded that she's going to let this go, but anyone having this issue needs to ask themselves if it is worth finding a new nanny over. Personally, a family that can't accept my husband's occasional presence in my life with their kids is not one I will work for.

[Anonymous]

I will say this: finding my first nanny was hard. I didn't know what I was looking for exactly, and the costs were staggering.

I now don't find the search that difficult. I know what it costs and I plan accordingly, and I know what I'm looking for. Yes, a nanny who quit abruptly would cause me difficulties. But, if it's that or someone doing something with my children that makes me uncomfortable, well, I know my job comes with attractive pay and benefits, and it would be better if we both find a better fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: finding my first nanny was hard. I didn't know what I was looking for exactly, and the costs were staggering.

I now don't find the search that difficult. I know what it costs and I plan accordingly, and I know what I'm looking for. Yes, a nanny who quit abruptly would cause me difficulties. But, if it's that or someone doing something with my children that makes me uncomfortable, well, I know my job comes with attractive pay and benefits, and it would be better if we both find a better fit.

That's totally your right! It's just irritating to constantly see the idea thrown around that nannies have to accept whatever an employee gives them and that's just not true. Fit goes both ways, and both sides need to decide what's worth making an issue of what isn't. You'd feel pretty silly if you made a demand of your nanny that wasn't really a big deal to you and it turns out it is to her and she quits in a huff. This could very well be one of those issues.

[Anonymous]

I'm the 12:01 poster. I'm not thowing around the idea that nannies have to accept whatever they are given. Similarly, families aren't completely at the mercy of whatever the nanny is or is not willing to do. Expectations need to be clear up front. Please don't accept a job with me if you don't like the conditions of employment. For me, those conditions include not planning to meet up with people I don't know.

That said, as situations arise that the nanny and family did not contemplate when agreeing to work together, I think both sides need to be clear and reasonable in figuring out how to handle. What is reasonable for me may not be reasonable for all nannies. If the nanny feels strongly that spending time with her husband on the job is a natural perk of the job and the family she works for disagrees, it would be time to part ways. Naturally. Though that doesn't sound like OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you just ask how long he's there? No need to go into a long winded explanation about record checks etc. You know he picks her up after work so it's safe to say that's why he's there.

Just ask him how long he's been waiting. As someone said upthread it could be all of five minutes. You won't know unless you ask a simple question.

I believe you said they are walking on the sidewalk? He isn't sitting on your front step or something.

[Anonymous]

It may.

Let your nanny know that you would appreciate getting to know her husband more.

Since he is the one picking her up after work, then it is only expected that you will see him on occasion.
Your nanny sounds like she is practicing excellent judgment in that he doesn't enter your home w/out your explicit permission nor does she leave your child alone in his care.

If it really bothers you, perhaps ask a neighbor to see what they do and for how long, etc.

But ultimately try to relax and trust her judgment.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have a problem coming home and finding my nanny's husband parked in front of the house waiting for her to get off work. That is appropriate and I have actually told off my busybody neighbor when she had her husband make him feel uncomfortable because she didn't like people parking in front of her house blocking her view. If he is coming early so he can spend time with her while she is on the job, that would bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny is great and does a great job with our toddler DS. She takes the bus to our home in the morning, and her husband picks her up at night on his way home from work. Often I come home from work to find her husband hanging out with her and DS. She has never let him inside our home (that I know of), but they will be hanging around in our front yard, walking around the neighborhood, etc. It kind of bothers me and I don't know why- I see her husband every day and he is a really nice guy. It just feels kind of inappropriate that she is spending her work time socializing. I don't know whether to say something- I don't want to make a big deal, especially when I don't know how long he has been there (he may have just gotten there 5 mins before I get home for all I know). Would this bother you?

You just jealous that it.