My child doesn't listen to her caregiver at all

[Anonymous]

I have someone who comes in for about 15hrs a week to care for our 2 kids.

There have been many (minor) issues, but the one that is front and center right now is that my 4yo does NOT listen to the caregiver. I had hired her a couple mornings a week to make the mornings easier to get her ready for school, but she was simply not able to help get her ready for school. So I took over that role, while she watched our younger, who would often cry for me because he's having separation anxiety at this age.

When I leave the house, and I ask the caregiver to make sure she brushes her teeth, she'll say ok. But then she never does it. I ask my daughter later if she had her teeth brushed and she says no, she didn't want to. So the caregiver never pushes it, but also doesn't tell me that she never brushed her teeth! It bothers me that a) she can't seem to get my daughter to listen to her and b) she doesn't tell me anything about it and always just gives me the general, "oh they were great." when I ask her how the day went. The teeth brushing thing is just one example.

Is there a way to improve this situation? Or should I just find a new caregiver?

[Anonymous]

This is on you. Your child is a spoiled brat. Obviously, you let her get away with this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is on you. Your child is a spoiled brat. Obviously, you let her get away with this behavior.

Oh please. That's real helpful. I can get her to listen, I just have to be very firm with her and expect her to listen. The caregiver is weak in this respect, she's unable to be firm with her. My daughter has no problems with not listening at school or with other caregivers.

[Anonymous]

While I think the comment above is quite snarky, I do agree that you are ultimately responsible for how your daughter behaves around her caregiver. She needs to learn how to respect and listen. That is your duty.

The caregiver probably isn't too strict with your daughter because if she is, then perhaps your daughter may complain to you how "mean" her caregiver may be and she may lose her job.

Perhaps you can not only stress to your caregiver how important being firm and consistent is regarding your child, but also offer her specific tips on what works and what doesn't with her in regards to discipline.

Hopefully you can work this out!

In your post, it sounds like you are placing all of the blame on your caregiver, however you must take responsibility as well.

Good luck OP!!

[Anonymous]

Why do I suspect this caregiver woman is easy to take advantage of?

Some professional nannies with strong boundaries aren't liked by some parents because you CAN'T take advantage of them. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Is this person only there 2 days a week, or is she there every morning?

I think you have to be a little patient. Kids act up when the routine changes. You and she need to have a consistent routine with the same expectations if you are doing some mornings and she is doing others.

For example, my kids brush teeth first thing when they get up. No playing, no breakfast, nothing until teeth are brushed. When they try to engage me, I say, "As soon as you brush your teeth, I'll be happy to ...," or, "Until you brush your teeth, we're not talking about anything else...," or, just "Brush your teeth."

If you brush teeth after breakfast, you can still try that method. Whenever you do it, it should be the same time/same rules for both of you. You, mom, should also tell the babysitter what methods she can use to get the teeth brushed if DD refuses.

[Anonymous]

I have a few thoughts. One is that this is not an easy dynamic - nanny is only there a few hours each day and you're home, doing things in parallel with the nanny. If you were gone and nanny had full control/responsibility, it might be easier for her to take charge of the situation and your 4 yo might be more cooperative, knowing that you're not there as back up if only she acts up enough.

Second, you have to really convey to both the nanny and your child that you expect the nanny to have and take full responsibility while on duty. Empower the nanny to give consequences for bad behavior. Let your daughter know that you have full confidence in the nanny and expect DD to respect the nanny - that there will be consequences for not listening to her. Also, is there any time for them to establish a rapport outside of the morning rush? Maybe on snow days, or during the summer? Obedience comes more easily when the foundation of the relationship is warm & loving - the child should want and care about the approval from the nanny. If they have no chance to bond, then the nanny's lack of approval is meaningless and any negative consequences administered will not be as effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is on you. Your child is a spoiled brat. Obviously, you let her get away with this behavior.

This was my first thought. Her not listening to her caregiver is ok with you? You let her get away with that? The women I work for would lose their shit, if their children didn't respect me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have someone who comes in for about 15hrs a week to care for our 2 kids.

There have been many (minor) issues, but the one that is front and center right now is that my 4yo does NOT listen to the caregiver. I had hired her a couple mornings a week to make the mornings easier to get her ready for school, but she was simply not able to help get her ready for school. So I took over that role, while she watched our younger, who would often cry for me because he's having separation anxiety at this age.

When I leave the house, and I ask the caregiver to make sure she brushes her teeth, she'll say ok. But then she never does it. I ask my daughter later if she had her teeth brushed and she says no, she didn't want to. So the caregiver never pushes it, but also doesn't tell me that she never brushed her teeth! It bothers me that a) she can't seem to get my daughter to listen to her and b) she doesn't tell me anything about it and always just gives me the general, "oh they were great." when I ask her how the day went. The teeth brushing thing is just one example.

Is there a way to improve this situation? Or should I just find a new caregiver?

Your child got what she wanted: your attention. You rewarded the bad behavior and set the nanny up in the child's eyes as someone to whom she doesn't have to give respect or listen. That is on you, not the nanny.

Now, the nanny may not be capable of handling a strong-willed 4 year old, but if she isn't, she had no business taking your position.

There is very little chance that you can change the nanny's role is your daughter's eyes now. You need to find someone else and get out of the way. Let the nanny work with your daughter, and either they get out on time or there is a consequence, and the nanny is the one who will deal with it, not you.

[Anonymous]

Make a reward chart. She gets a sticker for every action you expect from her: brushing teeth, getting dressed, getting in the car when asked, listening to caregiver, etc. Tell DD that you expect her to listen and have good behavior. When she isn't listening and you are there, correct your daughter; do not jump in and take over, giving in to your daughters bad behavior. And in the future, hire someone more equipped to take charge and be firm.

[Anonymous]

I was in almost the exact same situation a couple years ago. I was hired to work with a family two days per week, they had an infant (5 months when I started) and a 3 year old. I arrived in the morning, and was there to assist the parents with getting the 3 year old ready for school (brushing hair and teeth, picking out and putting on clothes, etc): I was mostly hired to take care of the baby while big sister was in preschool, but in the mornings MB used that time to nurse baby.

From the very first day, DD1 recoiled from me (as a completely new person, in her eyes I was only there to take her away from Mommy and Daddy; my job did include dropping her off at preschool). When I tried to help with with ANYTHING she would scream and cry for mommy or daddy to do it. MB was usually busy nursing, but daddy gave in EVERY time. She learned very quickly that if she just cried and asked daddy, he would do it for her, so that's what happened EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I never was able to help her with anything. Every morning I'd arrive, try to help, she'd cry, daddy would take over, and I'd go wash the breakfast dishes in an attempt to stay out of the way and make myself useful.

I spent our walk to preschool attempting to engage her; I tried talking about her favorite characters, her favorite foods, animals, and books. I tried talking to her about maybe letting me help her get dressed, etc. She gave me the silent treatment every time; she wouldn't speak to me at all. (The walk took about five minutes.)

I tried speaking with her parents when she wasn't present, explaining that when they give in when she asks them to do things for her, then she won't ever let me help. They honestly looked shocked that I was suggesting that they not come running when their daughter cried out for them and I never brought it up again; they never changed their tactics. I think they would have fired me were it not for the facts that I was primarily the baby's nanny (not the preschooler) and they were happy with my care of the baby.

OP, YOU need to change how you handle things. I agree it may be too late for this nanny, but I think you should try to give her one more shot. Explain to your older child that nanny will help him, and you will not, because you are too busy doing X Y and Z. Explain that if he cries for you and does not cooperate with nanny there will be specific consequences (putting a favorite toy in time out for the day, loss of screen time, etc). But the most important ingredient in this recipe for success is YOUR actions: Do not help him, insist that nanny must do it and he must listen or else there will be consequences. Ideally, go into a different room where he can't see you. Tell him he can see you AFTER he has gotten dressed brushed teeth etc.

[Anonymous]

Your 4 yo obviously doesn't like nanny and may understand that if she gets nanny in trouble, nanny won't come any more. Four year olds are also known to lie, sometimes intentionally. I don't know if I'd take a 4 year olds word over a nanny's (especially about something as benign as tooth brushing).

On the other hand if this is just one example out of many where you ask nanny to do something specific and then she doesn't do it and the only feedback you get each day is "they were good" then maybe it would be worthwhile to discuss these concerns more in depth with her.

[Anonymous]

Op here and thanks everyone for the helpful suggestions. I also really appreciate the perspective from the op who was a nanny.

If at all possible, I would like to make it work. I should have mentioned that our caregiver has actually been with us for half a year. And that in the beginning, my daughter acted like she hated her. Given that she was never like this with any previous caregiver, I was surprised, but eventually chalked it up to being a developmental phase. I've talked many times to my daughter about being nice, and listening to the caregiver, and have punished her for certain behaviors. I've also talked to the caregiver about different strategies to bond better with her, and talked about the importance of being firm with our daughter who is very clever and willful.

With the exception of the morning routine, which she has only started doing 3 weeks ago, I'm not around the majority of the time, so I depend on the caregiver to take on full responsibility.

I may just cut out the morning routine help, because like a pp said, it is a tough situation with my daughter being used to a certain routine with me, and it only being 2 mornings a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It bothers me that a) she can't seem to get my daughter to listen to her and b) she doesn't tell me anything about it and always just gives me the general, "oh they were great." when I ask her how the day went.

I've also talked to the caregiver about different strategies to bond better with her, and talked about the importance of being firm with our daughter

It sounds like the nanny is not making much of an effort to engage with your family. And that you are making a lot more effort than should be necessary on your part to get the nanny on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and thanks everyone for the helpful suggestions. I also really appreciate the perspective from the op who was a nanny.

If at all possible, I would like to make it work. I should have mentioned that our caregiver has actually been with us for half a year. And that in the beginning, my daughter acted like she hated her. Given that she was never like this with any previous caregiver, I was surprised, but eventually chalked it up to being a developmental phase. I've talked many times to my daughter about being nice, and listening to the caregiver, and have punished her for certain behaviors. I've also talked to the caregiver about different strategies to bond better with her, and talked about the importance of being firm with our daughter who is very clever and willful.

With the exception of the morning routine, which she has only started doing 3 weeks ago, I'm not around the majority of the time, so I depend on the caregiver to take on full responsibility.

I may just cut out the morning routine help, because like a pp said, it is a tough situation with my daughter being used to a certain routine with me, and it only being 2 mornings a week.

If it's only 2 days per week, what difference means that they nanny needs to be there those two day? Preschoolers are great at finding inconsistencies, and it sounds like your child knows that there isn't a difference.

Ok, so nanny has been with you for 5-7 months, and mornings are new within the last 3 weeks. If you've constantly had to talk to both your daughter and nanny about you daughter not listening to the nanny, it's an untenable situation. Get a new person before your daughter gets hurt by ignoring the nanny when it really counts.