Kid Not Happy With Nanny
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Anonymous
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We hired our first FT live-out nanny almost a year ago, and now my older kids are not happy with her at all. They ask me if she is coming and seem scared of her. They complain that she's only on the phone and won't interact with them, only gives my four year old attention. And apparently she yells all the time and allegedly threatens them (according to my older two). My kids are 4, 8, and 10 so how much do I rely on their opinion vs. wonder if they nanny if just doing her job??
She and I have a great relationship, but if my kids are not happy then when do I move on? Any insight would be great. |
Anonymous
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Three kids all expressing reservations would worry me. A ten year old (who is otherwise reliable) reporting this kind of thing I would take fairly seriously.
Time for a nanny cam perhaps? And without question it's time for a very candid conversation w/ the nanny where you get her side of things and see if you can learn anything that way. |
Anonymous
Yes and at first it was fine but lately it's to the point the kids don't even want to go home...  They are not super easy since they fight alot, but yelling back at them only makes matters worse. I thought nannies knew how to deal with sibling rivalry?? Nothing sinister, just age-appropriate behavior.
I talked to her about one incident that happened not too long ago but felt like that should have been a warning for her. But she still does the same thing and took her anger at our conversation out on my kids after we talked since she felt like they "told on her"!! Then we had another talk and I told her to be open and interact with the kids. So maybe the nanny cam is the answer (as much as i hate the idea of one since trust is a big thing)... Thanks! |
Anonymous
whoa. huge huge HUGE red flag. fire her. |
Anonymous
| Move on now. No child should fear a caregiver. They should love and adore her. |
Anonymous
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1. Two out of three kids don't like her (possibly 3 out of 3). This is a red flag. Kids shouldn't dislike the nanny to that degree. If they do, you should already know why, and the reason should be obvious (child who disappeared is no longer allowed out of nanny's sight, kids aren't allowed technology due to misuse).
2. Nannies only know how to handle situations for which they've trained or had experience, and no two children act exactly the same. Yes, most nannies who work with sibling groups have multiple techniques to use to defuse sibling rivalry. But if your nanny has never worked with sibling old enough to fight or hasn't worked with siblings at all, she wouldn't have that experience. Additionally, she may have only worked with sibling groups in which the kids were 3+ years apart, which cuts down on the rivalry. 3. Discipline varies from nanny to nanny, and from family to family. Most nannies have a variety of ways of handling things because parents allow them to use different discipline methods. Example: Two kids (8 and 10) are arguing instead of getting ready for school. Natural consequences: Nanny puts clothes and shoes in a bag, tells the kids to get in the car. Kids go to class in pajamas. Nanny informs the office that the kids are tardy (not excused), hands them the bag and asks that the kids not be told that the clothes are in the office until recess. Time outs: Doesn't work in this situation. Removal of toys and privileges: Kids are told that they lost technology privileges for the afternoon/evening. 1-2-3 Magic: Unlikely to work in this situation. 1-2-3 Magic works best when it's only one child having an issue, and when the child is pushing boundaries, not when they are emotional. Reward chart: Typically only works with kids under 6, and is positive discipline. Discussion: Kids are too worked up to discuss before school. Discussion after school is too late. The other issue is that many families won't allow the nanny to use the same method they use, or everyone starts using the same thing, and then the family slacks off while the nanny tries to remain consistent. 4. There is zero excuse for a nanny to yell at charges unless they are in danger and are too far away to hear at a normal volume. 5. If the nanny scares the kids, she needs to be replaced. 6. If the nanny has an issue with your kids telling you what happens, she needs to be replaced. 7. If you have the slightest suspicion that the nanny did something to the kids because you talked to her about an issue, whether your kids informed you of the issue or not, she needs to be fired immediately. Overall, it sounds like you needed to be rid of this nanny months ago. |
Anonymous
| OMG! Get rid of her. I grew up hating our live in nanny and really resented my parents for a long time ... keeping her despite my dislike of her. I felt like my parents choose her over their kids. Your kids sound like they'd be a lot happier in after care and the 4 year old in preschool. |
Anonymous
14.57 here. I disagree. I've had charges who didn't adore me because they constantly pushed boundaries and I wouldn't put up with it. They knew I loved them and wasn't going to walk, but they had to see how far they could go. Both parents had divorced, both had remarried, both had divorced again, mom was on her third marriage. I was the fifth nanny, so I knew going in that kids had attachment issues, and the parents were upfront about the behavior issues. I've had other charges who had behavior issues, but no attachment issues, and they didn't adore me either. Yes, they finally loved me, but it didn't come easily to any of them. The only kids who are likely to love and adore the nanny are the ones who never get in trouble, are young enough that she's the only nanny they've had (or the only one they remember), and the ones who think of her as a part of the family. |
Anonymous
| This is why I don't take on charges above the age of 2. When some kids are at the age of OP and gone through so many caregivers they usually test every new nanny/sitter in so many ways imaginable and if she isn't used to this, she will crack under the pressure. OP two wrongs don't make a right, fire her now but good luck with your kids. |
Anonymous
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If your children are asking about when she will be there and seem scared you need to fire her. Kids normally don't lie at this age so they are trying to tell you something.
Lots of other great Nannie's out there and would make your kids happy. |
Anonymous
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She was angry that your children "told on her"????
Um. Fire her now. No nanny cam, get a new nanny ASAP!!! |
Anonymous
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I would talk to the older two & dig a little deeper into the reason(s) why they dislike their nanny so much.
Make sure you have discussions w/them separately just to ensure that their stories will coincide. Then w/out accusing her of anything, have a talk w/the nanny alone. Simply mention that there are some concerns on your end regarding compatibility issues. After you have the information in your hand, then proceed w/what you feel is in the best interest of the kids. Personally, whether the stories your children tell you make sense or not, the underlying factor is that they dislike their nanny. That in itself is an important factor that perhaps you should let her go. However, if they simply do not like caregivers in general, then perhaps you can talk to your kids about kindness. IMO, let her go. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Appreciate all of the feedback. Really helps to hear from other MBs who may have gone through something similar. Looks like I'll be having a talk with her ASAP to make sure we are all on the same page. She is our first caregiver FT and my kids generally LOVE their sitters. |
Anonymous
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OP, given the additional info I'm in the replace her camp also.
The most critical thing (IMO) for any adult interacting w/ a child, let alone in a caregiver role, is to be able to control one's own anger, not take things normal developmental behavior personally, and model the behavior you hope to develop in a child. Sounds like this nanny is failing miserably. Someone who has as little control of their temper as you are describing should not be nannying. Just move on. |
Anonymous
| I don't think the nanny is a professional, is she? |